Seeking Arrangement Situation gone wrong

[TOtiger]

A girlfriend of mine suggested using Seeking Arrangements Dating website which is based on the concept of a sugar daddy seeking a sugar baby and vice versa.

 

I find the situation unique, so why not get an outsiders opinion. I have been on disability and I am currently in the appeal process with my Insurance company. I am not receiving any financial assistance until my claim is finalized. It's been 5 months living on my savings, credit and bank loans to pay my bills. I never wish this situation on anyone, but it does happen and luckily I do see my claim coming through in another 5 months.

 

Though I am unable to work at this moment, I was open to dating and meeting people. The idea of SA and having an older and possibly compatible mate assist me in my situation was definitely attractive.

 

I was on the website for 2 weeks and met 2 men in person. The first was very sweet, kind and understanding. He wanted to help me but was honest and said he could only cover a small portion of my expenses (rent/food).

 

How bizarre are these conversations? Hence the entertainment I'm sure as you decide to read this.

 

We became friends and Texted and stopped talking when he met a sugar baby that was right for him.

 

I then met a second man who I also hit it off with. In his profile he stated only a couple things: 1. He was willing to "donate" $4000/month and 2. He was looking for a girlfriend to have dinners with, gifts and travel. In my profile I briefly described my situation saying that I had a loss in income and would be open to an arrangement that would help in this short term situation.

 

Now, here is where things got blurry. Me and this guy are now seeing each other, he's very sweet, kind and funny. All we do is laugh and joke around when we see each other. On our first date he asked what I was looking for. I did not bring up money situation as I thought that was tacky. I answered truthfully as I am looking for a companion and he said he was looking to date and have a girlfriend.

 

We've been on several dates at nice restaurants and bars, which would be common if we were dating without the website. We talk about our future dates and how I can help him with decorating. It feels very natural and it is now odd we met on the website.

 

We went to the movies last night because I knew he wanted to see Interstellar (I already saw it but said I would take one for the team as I knew he really wanted to). I also gave him a free voucher for 1 ticket for the movie. He was very hesitant , paid, then looked at me and said, "you owe me $14 for the movie". It was in a non joking manner and my jaw dropped. We then went to the concession stand because I was hungry and didn't have dinner. He again didn't offer and I ordered a pizza slice, he then added a second slice for himself and didn't offer to pay. I then a geeky said that I would take care of the food because I was upset at him. Even the guy at the counter joked and said, if you're mad at him, shouldn't he pay?

 

My mood changed 180, I became confused and angry as $20 to me is 3 days worth of food rather then 1 meal. I hate to sound petty, but if I was working I would happily of offered because I could.

 

Other information, could be insignificant: he's an Arab Christian who stated his net worth as $10 million dollars. He is quite thrifty and only spends money when it's a good deal. His wealth is in real estate and he barely spends money on himself - somewhat flashy but not overly for the city we live in. We are both the same age. We were also intimate for the first time that morning and went to the movie that night.

 

I'm curious to see how others look at this. I'm pretty open, is it gold digging? It was, but I was ok giving him a chance as a boyfriend and not bringing up the monthly allowance - even though I am falling further and further into debt as I wait for my insurance company.

 

This was our 4th date and I feel insulted that he asked me to contribute.

 

Should I now go back to our original reason for meeting and bring up the allowance? Should I just wait it out and give

The guy a chance? Or should I just look for someone else that won't ask me to chip in when I have zero means to do so and it's a choice between paying my bills or splitting a cheque?

[PegNosePete]

WTF? Why on earth would you think that a dating site where older guys can effectively "buy" women, or at least buy their affections, is a good idea?

 

SMH. Crazy. You really need your head read if you think this is a good way to get a proper relationship.

[TOtiger]

That's the basis of the arrangement - each one is unique. I'm not saying it's right for everyone - but it does happen. I was open to meeting someone who was financially capable of helping me once meeting me and go from there.

 

Of course it is not the "ideal" way of finding a relationship. I wasn't currently searching but thought I would give it a try based upon other stories from mutual friends.

 

It all

Depends on how you look at it. The concept of men "paying" for a woman is the oldest story in the book.

[Minnie09]

Wow, that is weird.

He probably took advantage of the situation, and since he got to have sex with you earlier that day, he didn't care anymore.

I would also doubt that his stated income is correct, and I believe that the 4,000$ allowance was just a lie, too, in order to take advantage of whatever girl falls for it.

 

You are a pretty girl, if that's you in the picture, and IF you really want SB/SD relationships, I don't think it would be that hard for you to find a "decent" guy.

The question is: Is this really what you want? There are a lot of risks involved. You never know who you're attracting and who you get to hang out with. Be extra careful! And IF this is really what you want to do, then maybe just don't be so upfront with your details. Don't reveal too much, and don't talk about money right away. Be more subtle.

[PegNosePete]

The concept of men "paying" for a woman is the oldest story in the book.

Yes. And are you happy to enter that profession?

If so, then next time you need to get your $400 before putting out.

Edited January 20, 2015 by PegNosePete

[Minnie09]

Yes. And are you happy to enter that profession?

 

As long as there are websites out there that support that type of "exchange", and people who use these websites, this will happen, no matter what. OP decided to try it. There's nothing wrong with that. She's an adult, and she can make her own decisions. She didn't ask anybody what they thought of those types of arrangements. She just told her story.

[Gaeta]

The concept of men "paying" for a woman is the oldest story in the book.

 

Yes it's called prostitution.

[PegNosePete]

She didn't ask anybody what they thought of those types of arrangements.

Yes she did:

I'm curious to see how others look at this.

 

Sure, she can make her own decisions. And my opinion is that she must be crazy if she makes decisions like these.

[TOtiger]

Well, by definition that's what it is. There are ways around it legally that would claim else wise. It's essentially looking for someone who is successful. I did my due diligence - I researched him, his company, his income, I even looked up his rental properties under his name. I found him on Facebook as well and we have mutual friends in the Arab community, I am Caucasian Christian. So he was not misrepresenting his income, it checks out. He wasn't misrepresenting his desire for a girlfriend as I am happy with our dating situation - but him splitting the bill is in poor taste given the background.

 

I've had poor experience with online dating as you can also find all sorts, this was just recommended as something for me to explore. I'm comfortable with judgement because I'm comfortable with who I am as a person and I don't feel guilty for exploring other relationship dynamics.

 

It's humour in the story itself, I mostly laugh at myself that I can't even find a man even if he has to pay for it

[jezzika]

I don't think this guy is for you.

 

Men, especially respectful ones who know about your situation, are not going to make you pay for a movie and food on a date...and definitely not after being intimate with you. A real Sugar Daddy would not behave this way.

 

If you are really looking for an arrangement type relationship, then this guy is not for you and you need to move on to find the one that is right.

 

I'd cut my losses and not go on a 5th date with him at all.

[Redhead14]

A girlfriend of mine suggested using Seeking Arrangements Dating website which is based on the concept of a sugar daddy seeking a sugar baby and vice versa.

 

I find the situation unique, so why not get an outsiders opinion. I have been on disability and I am currently in the appeal process with my Insurance company. I am not receiving any financial assistance until my claim is finalized. It's been 5 months living on my savings, credit and bank loans to pay my bills. I never wish this situation on anyone, but it does happen and luckily I do see my claim coming through in another 5 months.

 

Though I am unable to work at this moment, I was open to dating and meeting people. The idea of SA and having an older and possibly compatible mate assist me in my situation was definitely attractive.

 

I was on the website for 2 weeks and met 2 men in person. The first was very sweet, kind and understanding. He wanted to help me but was honest and said he could only cover a small portion of my expenses (rent/food).

 

How bizarre are these conversations? Hence the entertainment I'm sure as you decide to read this.

 

We became friends and Texted and stopped talking when he met a sugar baby that was right for him.

 

I then met a second man who I also hit it off with. In his profile he stated only a couple things: 1. He was willing to "donate" $4000/month and 2. He was looking for a girlfriend to have dinners with, gifts and travel. In my profile I briefly described my situation saying that I had a loss in income and would be open to an arrangement that would help in this short term situation.

 

Now, here is where things got blurry. Me and this guy are now seeing each other, he's very sweet, kind and funny. All we do is laugh and joke around when we see each other. On our first date he asked what I was looking for. I did not bring up money situation as I thought that was tacky. I answered truthfully as I am looking for a companion and he said he was looking to date and have a girlfriend.

 

We've been on several dates at nice restaurants and bars, which would be common if we were dating without the website. We talk about our future dates and how I can help him with decorating. It feels very natural and it is now odd we met on the website.

 

We went to the movies last night because I knew he wanted to see Interstellar (I already saw it but said I would take one for the team as I knew he really wanted to). I also gave him a free voucher for 1 ticket for the movie. He was very hesitant , paid, then looked at me and said, "you owe me $14 for the movie". It was in a non joking manner and my jaw dropped. We then went to the concession stand because I was hungry and didn't have dinner. He again didn't offer and I ordered a pizza slice, he then added a second slice for himself and didn't offer to pay. I then a geeky said that I would take care of the food because I was upset at him. Even the guy at the counter joked and said, if you're mad at him, shouldn't he pay?

 

My mood changed 180, I became confused and angry as $20 to me is 3 days worth of food rather then 1 meal. I hate to sound petty, but if I was working I would happily of offered because I could.

 

Other information, could be insignificant: he's an Arab Christian who stated his net worth as $10 million dollars. He is quite thrifty and only spends money when it's a good deal. His wealth is in real estate and he barely spends money on himself - somewhat flashy but not overly for the city we live in. We are both the same age. We were also intimate for the first time that morning and went to the movie that night.

 

I'm curious to see how others look at this. I'm pretty open, is it gold digging? It was, but I was ok giving him a chance as a boyfriend and not bringing up the monthly allowance - even though I am falling further and further into debt as I wait for my insurance company.

 

This was our 4th date and I feel insulted that he asked me to contribute.

 

Should I now go back to our original reason for meeting and bring up the allowance? Should I just wait it out and give

The guy a chance? Or should I just look for someone else that won't ask me to chip in when I have zero means to do so and it's a choice between paying my bills or splitting a cheque?

 

Just because there are sites out there for this and that these types of arrangements do exist, doesn't mean they are right.

 

They are buying a "relationship" and you are buying bigger problems for yourself.

 

And, now that you "think" you want to have a real relationship, I'd say that you've realized that these sites are trouble. However, I'm thinking you're thinking with the same objective . . find someone who is a pushover and will be your sugar daddy while he is thinking he has someone who is invested in him for a real relationship.

 

You are attempting to pull the wool over a man's eyes.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Business is business, and if you made an arrangement out of a situation like this, then you need to enforce the arrangement...you're not there getting to know him or be his best pal, and it would be stupid of you to get caught up in a situation like that too thinking it'll by chance to turn into something good...i think it'll just more likely backfire at you.

 

If this guy is worth that much money then you shouldn't be paying at all, especially for low priced casual crap and this is your supposed arrangement. He's also not treating you respectfully, he's basically trying to see how far he can push you and how much you will bend, you're being way too easy when you need to just enforce your "business" rules.

 

If you don't act like you know what you're doing, these guys will manipulate you and take advantage of you. This was the arrangement and agreement, don't budge, you can play nice as long as he's playing by the rules you agreed upon.

 

I would suggest being very forward and clear about what you want and expect, you're not going to make a good business woman being shy and beating around the bush.

[Friskyone4u]

Unfortunately what is going to happen here is you will move on to another Sugar Daddy who will gladly provide you with the income you need and probably more and you will start to trade sex for money. It does not matter that even what you are doing now is still a form of prostituting yourself. You are an adult. You can do what you want.

The real long term impact for you is that the chances are that even after your insurance claim comes through you will see all this easy money and continue doing what you are doing. Anything I have ever read about women being unable to get out of prostitution has said a major reason was the easy money.

So now your bills are paid , your have plenty of spending money, and then you meet a man your own age that wants a relationship with you.

Well, what do you then. Tell him the truth about your secret life or begin the relwtionship cheating on him. Probably 90% of men you meet will bail on you immediately if they discover what you are doing and the more involved your relationship becomes with the guy you meet and like the harder it will be to hide.

You are on a very slippery slope here that could effect the rest of your life. You claim you started this to get through this tough period. The rubber will hit the road six months from now when you see what you will do if some guy is handing you $5000 a month to be his sex partner and be available . We"all see if you can walk away and live the mundane life of just working a regular job and paying your own bills

[stillafool]

Why didn't you tell him what you wanted? You were on a site to get a Sugar Daddy and you should have told him you were looking for money in exchange for sex. That is what you want and you should have gotten it straight before you had sex with him. Honestly I think it is a bad idea to hustle yourself for money. Can you get some Nanny jobs where they pay you under the table until you get disability? Surely there are other things to do for money rather than sale sex.

Edited January 20, 2015 by stillafool

[orangetree]

Usually I would say it doesn't matter if the guy you're dating is poor or a millionaire- You shouldn't let him always pay everything. He already paid for the first three dates, which is already more than enough. I don't get that culture where a man pays everything. Me as a woman would feel bad about it. Not just for him paying everything, but also for me and my pride and dignity. I never ever want to depend on a man. If a man pays more than me it's fine, but I want to pay my part as well.

 

Anyway, since this guy was actively looking for a sugar baby on that website, he should have expected that you expect him to pay everything. My personal opinion on this is as well that it's more than a bad idea to look for a relationship on a website like that. I highly doubt you'll find any decent man on a website like this and I'm sure many men are just there to take advantage of naive girls.

 

Don't you have friends and family who can financially support you for a while? Can't you move back to your parents house until you can work again? IMO everything is better than having to date a guy for his money.

 

And by the way, even if you keep dating this guy and he starts paying everything and it goes well for a while- Don't forget that he was actively looking for a young pretty woman that was looking to trade sex for money. Do you think this will change? When he gets bored of you, he'll be back on that website again to look for his next sugar baby. Or he already does, trying to see if there is something better out there, someone he'd prefer to invest his money in.

[CarrieT]

Now, here is where things got blurry. Me and this guy are now seeing each other, he's very sweet, kind and funny. All we do is laugh and joke around when we see each other. On our first date he asked what I was looking for. I did not bring up money situation as I thought that was tacky. I answered truthfully as I am looking for a companion and he said he was looking to date and have a girlfriend.

 

You met him on a site for these sorts of things and need to consider it a business arrangement.

 

You were not a good business person because you did not seal the deal and confirm the income before handing over the merchandise.

 

You screwed up by thinking that bringing up the arrangement was "tacky" when that is the only reason you met him?

 

I predict you aren't going to be very good at this...

[MissBee]

I don't have any experience with the whole sugar baby thing, but have read blogs by women who do it and from what I gather they are pretty stringent about certain things and approach it like a business arrangement, well the serious ones anyway. I get though that for you this isn't a lifestyle choice but something you're doing because of circumstances so perhaps you haven't researched the ins and outs of how it works. I'd suggest starting with Googling blogs on sugar baby lifestyles to help you understand how more seasoned SBs operate and how they deal with these men and how they navigate these arrangements. Rich or not, people take what they can and do what you allow. With serious SBs who are stringent, they cannot do certain things but this man probably realized you didn't really know how to maneuver it so decided to take advantage because of it. While this situation mixes business and pleasure, the reality is that as an SB you need to make the business part upfront, I think good SBs who are successful know the art of being business forward while still wrapping it in some type of idea of pleasure.

 

I'd change my mentality if I were you, where I'd put the "arrangement" over the companionship and regular dating aspect. If it later turns into that, alright, but since you're doing this for a specific purpose, stick to that and don't get sidetracked like you did with this guy.

 

I'd cut him off. He is on the website so knew what he was signing up for. I don't know how you verify these people. Does the site do so or do you just learn his name and Google him or what? In any case, if he is wealthy and seeking a sugar baby, he shouldn't be asking you to pay for movie tickets and concession stand snacks...I mean wtf...I haven't a clue what he's thinking and I wouldn't try to figure it out if I were you. I'd cut him off and move on to someone else who is willing to work within the parameters of what the whole sugar baby/sugar daddy arrangement is about.

Edited January 20, 2015 by MissBee

[oldshirt]

Once upon a time a man met a woman at a high society ball. They danced and talked for awhile and were making pleasantries. At some point in the evening the told the woman he found her ver enchanting and desirable and asked her if she would go to bed with him for $1,000,000.

 

She thought for a moment, then responded with a smile and said, "yes, I suppose I would."

 

To which the man responded that he did not have a million dollars at his disposal at that time and would she accompany him to bed for 25 bucks.

 

The woman then became indignant and responded angrily, "why I certainly shall not!! What do you think I am?!"

 

The man replied, "my dear lady, we have already established what you are. Now it's simply a matter of agreeing on the price."

 

 

 

Think about that.

[MissBee]

Tried to edit to add:

 

I'd cut him off and move on to someone else who is willing to work within the parameters of what the whole sugar baby/sugar daddy arrangement is about. But also, like I said, people do what you allow and will bamboozle you if you don't seem to know what you're doing. It seems you went on this site without much knowledge or forethought about how this thing works, you seem shy about asking about the money and okay with approaching it like ordinary dating, but for this kind of arrangement that mentality won't work. You have to be the one to set the tone and you should start by reading blogs like I said, I think there might even be Youtube videos, of women who are seasoned and experienced SBs and learn from them before going back out there.

[CALOVELY]

He knows the deal and is trying to get it for free. Ditch him and move on to a different guy. This is business and continuing a relationship with someone who does not uphold their contract is ridiculous. If you were a lawyer would you continue to represent a client who did not pay his bill? No, you would not.

[CALOVELY]

Once upon a time a man met a woman at a high society ball. They danced and talked for awhile and were making pleasantries. At some point in the evening the told the woman he found her ver enchanting and desirable and asked her if she would go to bed with him for $1,000,000.

 

She thought for a moment, then responded with a smile and said, "yes, I suppose I would."

 

To which the man responded that he did not have a million dollars at his disposal at that time and would she accompany him to bed for 25 bucks.

 

The woman then became indignant and responded angrily, "why I certainly shall not!! What do you think I am?!"

 

The man replied, "my dear lady, we have already established what you are. Now it's simply a matter of agreeing on the price."

 

 

 

Think about that.

 

Your moralizing does not pay her bills and is not helped by your judgement.

[oldshirt]

Your moralizing does not pay her bills and is not helped by your judgement.

 

My intent is not to moralize or judge ; just telling it like it is. If you are going to turn tricks to pay bills, then turn tricks to pay the bills. No matter how you church it up or try to paint it a purdy color it is still exchanging sex for money (or at least the implied potential of sex for money)

 

If you have bills and want men to pay them and are offering sex (whether actual or implied) in return, then why not go to Nevada and make several thousand a week. Why not find a porn production company and make porns for a grand a day?

 

Finding some lonely, rich old man and offering to be his GF for a weekly fee is prostitution where the police treat it as such or not.

 

I can understand choosing that over turning tricks on the street, but there are other legal ways to make a way lot more money on your back.

[CALOVELY]

My intent is not to moralize or judge ; just telling it like it is. If you are going to turn tricks to pay bills, then turn tricks to pay the bills. No matter how you church it up or try to paint it a purdy color it is still exchanging sex for money (or at least the implied potential of sex for money)

 

If you have bills and want men to pay them and are offering sex (whether actual or implied) in return, then why not go to Nevada and make several thousand a week. Why not find a porn production company and make porns for a grand a day?

 

Finding some lonely, rich old man and offering to be his GF for a weekly fee is prostitution where the police treat it as such or not.

 

I can understand choosing that over turning tricks on the street, but there are other legal ways to make a way lot more money on your back.

 

Understood. Perhaps she does not have the resources for a plane ticket to get to Nevada. Also, many women falsely believe that sites like SA are somehow safer than backpage advertisements and think a "nice, older gentleman" would never do anything harmful. As evidenced by the OP's post, that is not true. This guy sure is taking advantage of her and he knows darn well that he is.

[Redhead14]

The crux of this situation is about morals and the depths a person/woman will go to out of desperation. It is about what all this will do to you as woman when and if you get out of your difficult situation. Acts of desperation are usually a result of the fact that the person does not want to face the issue head on and drill down into it on a real level, they don't want to look at it too deeply, work on it, etc. or they don't want anyone to know they are in trouble and don't talk to anyone they trust. They just want to get out of it.

 

Its about your future as a woman and having a fulfilling life later on and being able to live with yourself. You are choosing a temporary/"quick" solution to a problem. And once you've used this kind of thing to get out of trouble, you will continue to make the same mistakes and you will revert to those "quick/easy" solutions for the rest of your life and never really solving anything.

 

Go to a financial advisor, go to your relatives, explain the situation, get serious, professional, quality advice for handling these things and learn how to manage from there.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Redhead14

[TOtiger]

This conversation is about sugaring, this is a concept of a mutually beneficial "relationship". It is what you make of it, but with millions of users online understand it is a common approach. Everyone has their reasons. To compare it to street walking is passive aggressive - understand everyone has a story.

 

These "relationships" can be short term or long term, anyone I have spoken to has had a sugar baby for 3 to 5 years. The men want the company and the illusion it is not for money but to help financially because they can. This is not for the average joe with $ for a romp. that is why the agreement is the most important and where I have made my mistake.

 

 

Due to my disability I will go 10 months with zero compensation and unable to work during that time as the Insurance company will use that information against me. I have exhausted my resources and I have no one I can ask. Yes, the desperation is true. But I did not even bring up set arrangement because I enjoyed this guys company - we are the same age, we live in the same neighbourhood, have friends in common - it all seemed like the two of us just got curious about this website because the other methods of meeting people didn't work.

 

 

I was naive because, it is very true from the comments he is consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of why we met to begin with.

 

 

I was honestly open to forgoing the allowance all together because in the brief time of getting to know him I was happy. Now he pulled what I consider a douchebag move at the movies over something very trivial which gave me a red flag (how ironic given the circumstances) that maybe it's not real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't understand the negative comments - it's a type of lifestyle that exists, the moral compas is based upon what the person wants, but the end of the day it's two consenting adults coming to the table with their expectations, including an allowance for the SB to enjoy how she pleases