confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I have posted here before in the past, my thread is titled "OW contacting my husband, why won't he tell her go away" and also "my husband's female friend". I wasn't able to get back into my old account. Update on my story. I have continued snooping on my H even though I was warned against it here. My last thread was about OW telling my husband happy new year and he responded back but then she never replied. Well like a week later, she messages him again, just asking how he was, small talk and he engaged in it as well, asked her how she was. She starts talking about moving away etc..and he doesn't reply. He just stops the convo. I think to myself "good, maybe he really isn't interested in her anymore, why would he stop talking to her". Well 10 days later my H REACHES OUT to her, picking up the convo where they left off 10 DAYS ago. I do not understand that. Why try to continue a convo that ended 10 days ago, she hasn't attemtped to reach out to him in the time frame but he reached out to her first. He hasn't reached out in awhile, he only responds if she contacts him first but now he is contacting her about a stupid convo that ended 10 days. ]She replied to his messages (by the way, these a very generic convo's, nothing too too personal), then the convo stops again. A couples days later, he reaches out to her again, restarting the same convo about her moving away. I am seriously considering divorce but I want some opinons on what he and this girl are doing. This type of communication is confusing me. It's like they won't let go fully...idk I don't H is cheating anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Well 10 days later my H REACHES OUT to her, picking up the convo where they left off 10 DAYS ago. I do not understand that. Why try to continue a convo that ended 10 days ago, she hasn't attemtped to reach out to him in the time frame but he reached out to her first. Because he's not over her. Because he is thinking about her in those ten days and wants to respond, but is trying to resist (maybe) and then temptation gets the better of him. Have you confronted him yet? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 What type of affair were they involved in, and for how long and how long ago? It really depends on what you guys agreed upon, after D-Day. I don't remember your story, but as I said, it depends on what your "rules" were, and how forthcoming he was after being found out, and whether or not you think he's made improvements as far as your R is concerned. Maybe he thinks it's ok to catch up every now and then, since nothing else is going on anymore between them, and the A is over in his eyes anyhow.......so no worries. If he thinks it's OK, he probably doesn't feel like he needs to stop communication 100%, and/or keep you posted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I personally think breaking no contact only re opens the wound. It makes it so much harder for you to heal. Its really up to you what you want to do but for me I think I would be talking to a lawyer. I think your H needs to see how serious it really is. If you never hold him accountable to other than screaming at him then your doomed to just live with it. I am really sorry you are going through this. I never support staying with a cheater. They just keep punishing you over and over until your so far down it takes you years to pick yourself back up and by then they have already moved on with there lives and enjoying each day. Clay 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 What type of affair were they involved in, and for how long and how long ago? It really depends on what you guys agreed upon, after D-Day. I don't remember your story, but as I said, it depends on what your "rules" were, and how forthcoming he was after being found out, and whether or not you think he's made improvements as far as your R is concerned. Maybe he thinks it's ok to catch up every now and then, since nothing else is going on anymore between them, and the A is over in his eyes anyhow.......so no worries. If he thinks it's OK, he probably doesn't feel like he needs to stop communication 100%, and/or keep you posted. [sIZE=3]It was mainly an EA, she wouldn't get physical with him. It lasted for maybe 4-5 months. My rules were I did not want him to be friends with her anymore and to cut all contact with her. There was no DDay, since he and I were seperated at the time and living apart. He claims they were just good friends but I thought otherwise and wanted her gone completely. I read countless messages between them AFTER he was supposed to cut her off, just him explaining that he never wanted to stop being her friend, he wished things were different, that he still liked her alot and was attracted to her. Told her she could still contact him AFTER I told him I didn't want them communicating anymore. [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Because he's not over her. Because he is thinking about her in those ten days and wants to respond, but is trying to resist (maybe) and then temptation gets the better of him. Have you confronted him yet? No I have not. I feel like he would just lie or tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing. But judging from their past messages they put on this act like they are "innocent friends". IDK anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 No I have not. I feel like he would just lie or tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing. But judging from their past messages they put on this act like they are "innocent friends". IDK anymore. If he does this, then you have all the answers you need. It is a big deal. He isn't NC. They are not innocent. He needs to put you and your feelings first and he's not. Confront him. If he feeds you the BS, tell him to pack a bag and not to return as long as he's talking to her. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Instead of asking why is he communicating with her again? Ask yourself...Do I want to be with someone who is longing, lusting, day dreaming or whatever after someone other than you. It is very hurtful..I know. The cheating bs just keeps eroding the bs even when the affair is over probably for years to come. Its a tough pill to swallow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 [sIZE=3]It was mainly an EA, she wouldn't get physical with him. It lasted for maybe 4-5 months. My rules were I did not want him to be friends with her anymore and to cut all contact with her. There was no DDay, since he and I were seperated at the time and living apart. He claims they were just good friends but I thought otherwise and wanted her gone completely. I read countless messages between them AFTER he was supposed to cut her off, just him explaining that he never wanted to stop being her friend, he wished things were different, that he still liked her alot and was attracted to her. Told her she could still contact him AFTER I told him I didn't want them communicating anymore. [/sIZE] Your rules don't really matter here. You can't force him to stop. If he loved you and respected reconciliation enough, he would have nc on his own. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 If he does this, then you have all the answers you need. It is a big deal. He isn't NC. They are not innocent. He needs to put you and your feelings first and he's not. Confront him. If he feeds you the BS, tell him to pack a bag and not to return as long as he's talking to her. This is a problem as well. It is technically his house and i can't afford the mortagae and I would have to leave but all my ducks aren't lined up yet...The first time I had to leave because he said i couldn't afford the mortagage and he wasn't going to leave and pay for me to stay, so I had to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 [sIZE=3]So is it really impossible to reconcil while he is in contact with her? Even though it is very limited contact? Is he undoing what we are working towards? I can see him telling me I am making a big deal out of nothing just based on the context of the messages...they aren't personal [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 This is a problem as well. It is technically his house and i can't afford the mortagae and I would have to leave but all my ducks aren't lined up yet...The first time I had to leave because he said i couldn't afford the mortagage and he wasn't going to leave and pay for me to stay, so I had to leave. Then play the game. Get yourself in a position financially and then get out. It sounds to me like you are plan B. I'm sorry to say that b/c I know it hurts. He will continue to emotionally abuse you and lie to you b/c he doesn't want to stop talking to her. You deserve better than 2nd best. If you won't put yourself first, neither will he. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 [sIZE=3]So is it really impossible to reconcil while he is in contact with her? Even though it is very limited contact? Is he undoing what we are working towards? I can see him telling me I am making a big deal out of nothing just based on the context of the messages...they aren't personal [/sIZE] NO. NO. NO. She means something to him and it's more than friendship. They had an EA. She wouldn't have sex with him...but he likes her and is attracted to her. As long as she's in the picture, do you trust him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 He would not put up with you doing this, so why do you have to have all the heartache? Do you have kids together? That is a big issue. I do hope you find peace someday. You will not with your H because he is still in contact after you drew a line in the sand. Check with an attorney so that you know your options. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Your rules don't really matter here. You can't force him to stop. If he loved you and respected reconciliation enough, he would have nc on his own. This 1000%^^^^ I couldn't understand for longest time either, but the above was true in my case. My WH broke NC multiple times. Sometimes enforced by me and others by him, but his A with the OW never ended. I found out I was in False r 2 years later. I'm so sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 NO. NO. NO. She means something to him and it's more than friendship. They had an EA. She wouldn't have sex with him...but he likes her and is attracted to her. As long as she's in the picture, do you trust him?[/QUOTE] I want to be able to think my H can have female friends, I don't want to be the wife that trys to control who hangs he out with. Of course I cannot trust him if she is still in the picture but is she really still considered in the picture? This contact is limited and I know for a fact they are not meeting up or anything like that. I don't see exactly how she is plan A or #1, he cut her off to work things out with me. When I read on the OW forum, I always she people telling the OW she was not a priorty to the WH but it sounds like you are saying she is...I don't understand that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I don't see exactly how she is plan A or #1, he cut her off to work things out with me. When I read on the OW forum, I always she people telling the OW she was not a priorty to the WH but it sounds like you are saying she is...I don't understand that Because you have asked him to stop talking to her and he has NOT. Stop telling yourself this OW is just a friend - she's not. If they were friends, their contact wouldn't be a secret to you. Why don't the three of you have dinner (as friends) and discuss it? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am seriously considering divorce I wouldn't be considering it. I'd be doing it. he's still in the affair. I'm so sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I know for a fact that if my wife broke N/C she would get the divorce papers the next day. Cheating is one thing but continuing cheating(or even talking) after seeing all the pain it causes is quite another. It would confirm all the bad things I think about her right now. No question, divorce would be my choice. I feel for you, best of luck. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 It is my feeling that when someone cheats they have officially proven that they cannot handle opposite sex friends, so that should be off the table. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 This 1000%^^^^ I couldn't understand for longest time either, but the above was true in my case. My WH broke NC multiple times. Sometimes enforced by me and others by him, but his A with the OW never ended. I found out I was in False r 2 years later. I'm so sorry. I am sorry to hear that. Why would a WH choose to reconcil and then undermine it by remaining in contact with OW? Is it worth the risk of losing the marriage? A part of me thinks that my H is just being nice and polite and doesn't want to be on bad terms with her, but they pretty much already cleared up that they don't hate each other...then the other part thinks maybe he was just waiting until he thought I forgot or moved past it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwife1981 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I wouldn't be considering it. I'd be doing it. he's still in the affair. I'm so sorry. I know my questions seem dumb but I am in a very confusing place in my life. So even by having this limited contact, my H is still in his affair with her? I am going to confront my H with this all very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am sorry to hear that. Why would a WH choose to reconcil and then undermine it by remaining in contact with OW? Is it worth the risk of losing the marriage? A part of me thinks that my H is just being nice and polite and doesn't want to be on bad terms with her, but they pretty much already cleared up that they don't hate each other...then the other part thinks maybe he was just waiting until he thought I forgot or moved past it... For my WH OW must have been worth risking our M because he did it. Please be very careful. Mine would always wait for the air to clear before starting up again. I got to a point where I checked all his devices and he still managed to contact her through a second secret phone, saw her somehow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I know my questions seem dumb but I am in a very confusing place in my life. So even by having this limited contact, my H is still in his affair with her? I am going to confront my H with this all very soon. Answer to that is yes unfortunately! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 It is my feeling that when someone cheats they have officially proven that they cannot handle opposite sex friends, so that should be off the table. I agree with this 100%. OP the sooner you stand up for yourself the better off your life will be. Clay 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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