Husband broke NC again!!!

[confusedwife1981]

See you are only reading one part of this, their messages. You do not know if he's seen her, spoken to her on the phone and who knows what he's told her about you and your marriage.

 

All I can say is from what you've said, this doesn't look good. He's still holding a torch for her yet he can't leave..

 

Doesn't matter actually that they haven't had sex, EA's are just as dangerous. The sex is just the icing on the cake, but the feelings are were there anyway. Or still are.

 

He is getting his fix by keeping in contact with her and he is not investing in you and the marriage as long as she's still in the picture.

 

He told her alot of initmate things about our marriage, about my finacial status, about some of our issues. He even told her about the times he cheated on me in the past. He told her way too much, but he admitted to she was his friend and he could talk to her.

 

I agree he is not 100% focused while in contact with her but he refuses to stop. If I confront him about what I have seen so far, I am sure he will find another way to contact. The OW is going away that easily either so she may find ways to continue contact.

 

I know this because after everything hit the fan about their friendship and I asked him to stop all communication, he still told her she could contact him and they could still talk sometimes.

 

I know I can't force him but how to make someone WANT to stop talking to another person all on their own?

[Minnie09]

Please forgive me, everyone, but my harsh analysis is this (and I know very well that this may sound rude, and heartless, and cold, and mean - but the OP needs to understand this - and she has no time to lose):

 

He is interested in the OW, no doubt. Period. End of story.

 

He is simply still with you, because she doesn't want him - plain and simple. So, in order to keep her in his life to some extent, aka as much as SHE allows it, he just sugarcoats the "rejection" and now calls it a friendship. Which is utterly ridiclous, OMG!!!! He is lying to himself and to you, and possibly to her. However, trust me when I say this, SHE knows very well, that he wants more, and that he would jump through hoops, in order to get it. At the SAME time (while staying with you, because she has rejected him), and very sadly so, he also doesn't care whether or not his marriage will eventually fail because of her. He just doesn't care. He respects her more than you. He finds her more attractive than you. He admires her more than you. He dreams about her. He wants to be with her. And the fact that they haven't had sex (and probably never will, because she doesn't give two hoots about him and because she's in no way sexually and physically attracted to him, she just likes to be CHASED) makes the attraction and the desire even stronger (again: for him, not for her).

 

So: Summary - He can't have whom he really wants, therefore he stays with you, but if you dare ask questions and/or interfere/or contact her/ or or or ....... he will protect her, not you, call you out, not her, put his foot down, in order to put you in check, not her, and so on and so forth. You are disrespected and you can never get your husband's respect back, as long as you stick around. PLUS: She knows and he knows, and you need to understand this: If she DID give him a chance to be with her romantically, he would move the proverbial mountains and dump you, his loving wife, in a heartbeat. It is NOT your decision. It is not even HIS. Your life depends on this OW, and what SHE decides - how does THAT make you feel?

 

My advice: ACT NOW.

[MJJean]

I will continue checking on him for now. Yes I agree completely, and it is very confusing why he holds onto her when there was no sex. I don't know if it has anything to do with him knowing her first and wanting to be with her but she dumped him and moved on. About the bolded, I get what you are saying that it would be more understandable if she was offering a PA now but she isn't. My question is that you are saying if she did NOW want to become invovled in a PA with him, he would do it? Even after choosing me and our marriage?

 

I don't see what's so confusing about it. So, they're not having sex...as far as you know...yet. But the emotional bond is there. He loves her. that's why he is still in touch with her. Because he loves her and doesn't want to let her go and he's hoping she will change her mind.

 

He told her alot of initmate things about our marriage, about my finacial status, about some of our issues. He even told her about the times he cheated on me in the past. He told her way too much, but he admitted to she was his friend and he could talk to her.

 

I agree he is not 100% focused while in contact with her but he refuses to stop. If I confront him about what I have seen so far, I am sure he will find another way to contact. The OW is going away that easily either so she may find ways to continue contact.

 

I know this because after everything hit the fan about their friendship and I asked him to stop all communication, he still told her she could contact him and they could still talk sometimes.

 

I know I can't force him but how to make someone WANT to stop talking to another person all on their own?

 

You can't make him want to stop talking to her. Only she or he could do that and they are obviously not going to stop on account of you or your marriage.

 

Exactly how many times has he cheated on you? Considering he has cheated what sounds like multiple times and he refuses to stop contact with his affair partner why are you still with him? It sounds like he has a marriage of convenience and you have a marriage of inconvenience!

 

Don't think for a red hot second he wouldn't pack a bag and go running if she crooked her finger and told him she wanted him. He would. You'd be lucky if he even bothered to leave you a note.

 

You deserve better.

[confusedwife1981]

In the context of an affair we see the chemicals and hormones our bodies release as a drug, a high, an addiction.

 

In the context of two single people meeting we see the same chemicals and hormones as infatuation in the beginning that may evolve into actual love.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

My take on it is that he is in love with her, has been for quite some time (maybe before he met you) and he's still married to you instead of being with her because she wouldn't take that final step and cement their relationship by having sex. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You're "in hand" because you're married to him and presumably will not leave him. She's "in the bush" because she will not have sex with him and may move on to another relationship any time she likes.

 

Basically, he's still with you because you're the sure thing. As long as you're the sure thing he has no reason to go NC. And if you are no longer the sure thing he may decide he really wants to be with you and has made a terrible mistake or he may breathe a sigh of relief and run off to his love as soon as he can.

 

And, yeah, no. If she wants to be "left out of it" then she shouldn't be in contact with a married man. By getting involved with another woman's husband she opened herself up to all kinds of bullsh*t and that's her own damn fault. If your husband didn't want his precious getting flack from you than he shouldn't have gotten involved with her. Period. End of story. Because of their relationship and because he is still in contact with her and she him, as far as I can see you have every right to say what you want, when you want, to whom you want and they can just deal.

 

 

I get what you are saying about the bird in the hand analogy. My H used to ask her if she would wait for him and she flat out told him no she would not wait.

 

She also told him she has too much going on in her life to be more than friends with any guy. She told him she could only be his friend for the time being.

I have stated in other threads I felt like I was picked by default because of this.

 

As far as me being a sure thing, well I left him over the summer and he didnt do much to win me back, he instead focused on her.

[Clay]

I think your just plan B and until you have had enough of him putting you there your going to continue to stay being plan B.

 

I hate the games cheaters play. They break you down until you don't think you can ever do any better then they just continue cheating.

 

Clay

[MJJean]

I get what you are saying about the bird in the hand analogy. My H used to ask her if she would wait for him and she flat out told him no she would not wait.

 

She also told him she has too much going on in her life to be more than friends with any guy. She told him she could only be his friend for the time being.

I have stated in other threads I felt like I was picked by default because of this.

 

As far as me being a sure thing, well I left him over the summer and he didnt do much to win me back, he instead focused on her.

 

He cheated. You left and then came back, He didn't even have to work at winning you. He's still talking to her and you're still there. Yeah, you're the sure thing. He's now pretty certain you won't leave permanently.

 

You are correct. You were picked by default.

 

The fact that you left and he concentrated on her and did nothing or very little to win you back speaks volumes.

 

At this point, I'd call her and let her know she can have him with my compliments. I'm only for reconciling if both parties want to give it a try and if the WS is 100% repentant and putting everything s/he has into the marriage. If not, all bets are off in my book.

[Rainbowlove]

They break you down until you don't think you can ever do any better then they just continue cheating.

 

No one can make anyone feel like they can't do any better. No matter what games are played.

 

No one is responsible for anyone else's feelings. She is responsible for her feelings regardless what her H is doing. She has choices.

 

Right now, she's choosing to stick her head in the sand about what's really going on here:

 

Because

 

She's not financially in a position to leave

 

Because

 

She thinks they are just friends

 

Because

 

She's worried he will blame her for not trusting him

 

Because

 

She's worried everyone else will think she's blowing things out of proportion

 

Because

 

She thinks he will continue to contact her no matter what she says or does

 

And the list of excuses goes on.

 

She has got to want to hold him accountable and she doesn't. She hasn't confronted him.

 

This isn't about her H playing games as much as it is she's allowing him to play games.

[aliveagain]

I have posted here before in the past, my thread is titled "OW contacting my husband, why won't he tell her go away" and also "my husband's female friend". I wasn't able to get back into my old account. Update on my story. I have continued snooping on my H even though I was warned against it here. My last thread was about OW telling my husband happy new year and he responded back but then she never replied.

 

Well like a week later, she messages him again, just asking how he was, small talk and he engaged in it as well, asked her how she was. She starts talking about moving away etc..and he doesn't reply. He just stops the convo. I think to myself "good, maybe he really isn't interested in her anymore, why would he stop talking to her". Well 10 days later my H REACHES OUT to her, picking up the convo where they left off 10 DAYS ago. I do not understand that. Why try to continue a convo that ended 10 days ago, she hasn't attemtped to reach out to him in the time frame but he reached out to her first.

 

He hasn't reached out in awhile, he only responds if she contacts him first but now he is contacting her about a stupid convo that ended 10 days. ]She replied to his messages (by the way, these a very generic convo's, nothing too too personal), then the convo stops again. A couples days later, he reaches out to her again, restarting the same convo about her moving away. I am seriously considering divorce but I want some opinons on what he and this girl are doing. This type of communication is confusing me. It's like they won't let go fully...idk I don't H is cheating anymore.

 

My opinion is that she is fishing. She knows she holds some power over your husband and is testing to see how much power she still has. I think she is ready to make a move, something she thought she had with someone else didn't work out. Younger women are often attracted to older men for financial reasons. Rather than spending years building their own financial security they are more than willing to take someone else's. What you and your husband have may be more than she has now.

 

Telling your husband she is thinking of leaving is her way of fishing to see how much of a hold she still has on him. Once she knows he's all in she will probably make her move. That's just my opinion but I don't think I'm too far off the mark. You need to decide if being married to your husband is what's best for you in the long run. He has a history of cheating. Regardless of when they met, separated or not, your not separated now so why is he engaging? He is engaging because he wants to, that's all. You may never be enough for him, he seems to need a lot of female validation. You need to confront him and the house is 50% yours in fact everything is 50% yours. Talk to a lawyer before you confront him.

[ladydesigner]

He told her alot of initmate things about our marriage, about my finacial status, about some of our issues. He even told her about the times he cheated on me in the past. He told her way too much, but he admitted to she was his friend and he could talk to her.

 

I agree he is not 100% focused while in contact with her but he refuses to stop. If I confront him about what I have seen so far, I am sure he will find another way to contact. The OW is going away that easily either so she may find ways to continue contact.

 

I know this because after everything hit the fan about their friendship and I asked him to stop all communication, he still told her she could contact him and they could still talk sometimes.

 

I know I can't force him but how to make someone WANT to stop talking to another person all on their own?

 

You have to lay down strict boundaries NOW. Unfortunately you can't make a person stop talking to another, but you could definitely make things more difficult and see what your WH is willing to do to save the M when NC (No Contact) is established. My WH fought NC too, but he continued his A is why. That should have been a clear indicator to me that my WH was still knee deep in the A.

[confusedwife1981]

No one can make anyone feel like they can't do any better. No matter what games are played.

 

No one is responsible for anyone else's feelings. She is responsible for her feelings regardless what her H is doing. She has choices.

 

Right now, she's choosing to stick her head in the sand about what's really going on here:

 

Because

 

She's not financially in a position to leave

 

Because

 

She thinks they are just friends

 

Because

 

She's worried he will blame her for not trusting him

 

Because

 

She's worried everyone else will think she's blowing things out of proportion

 

Because

 

She thinks he will continue to contact her no matter what she says or does

 

And the list of excuses goes on.

 

She has got to want to hold him accountable and she doesn't. She hasn't confronted him.

 

This isn't about her H playing games as much as it is she's allowing him to play games.

 

I get that but he did make moves to be with me. HE cut her off, HE told her that they couldn't hang out anymore, that he has to try with me and he couldn't fully while still in such close contact with her. He asked her to understand, asked to think how she would feel if she was me. They went a long time without talking before SHE decided to reach out on New year's. He had made no attempts to contact her until this happened. Once back in Oct-Nov she asked to talk to him and he told her he didn't know if he would be able to and then she just stopped contacting him all together until recently. I think he is/was trying to move past her but she keeps popping up. At least that's how I see it

 

I don't think some lovesick puppy would do all the above to an OW he loves so much...his actions told her he chose me.

[confusedwife1981]

My opinion is that she is fishing. She knows she holds some power over your husband and is testing to see how much power she still has. I think she is ready to make a move, something she thought she had with someone else didn't work out. Younger women are often attracted to older men for financial reasons. Rather than spending years building their own financial security they are more than willing to take someone else's. What you and your husband have may be more than she has now.

 

Telling your husband she is thinking of leaving is her way of fishing to see how much of a hold she still has on him. Once she knows he's all in she will probably make her move. That's just my opinion but I don't think I'm too far off the mark. You need to decide if being married to your husband is what's best for you in the long run. He has a history of cheating. Regardless of when they met, separated or not, your not separated now so why is he engaging? He is engaging because he wants to, that's all. You may never be enough for him, he seems to need a lot of female validation. You need to confront him and the house is 50% yours in fact everything is 50% yours. Talk to a lawyer before you confront him.

 

Not at all about the finances. This girl has a great career and I actually think what she earns is equal to my H. She is very indepenpent and he always told her he loved that about her.

 

I am confused about her telling him she might move...why would that be fishing? And why would he seem so focused on that part of the convo. I know he has said that he hates where we live now and wants to move. He also told her once that he wanted to move away and forget all this mess here.

 

I am going to confront, I am getting everything lined up. I want to know and understand exactly what this is, so he or anyone else cannot tell me I am blowing up nothing, he will downplay and minimize his feelings for her but I want objective opinons, I don't want to be tricked anymore.

[Rainbowlove]

his actions told her he chose me.

 

And now that he's talking to her behind your back, what are his actions telling you?

[confusedwife1981]

And now that he's talking to her behind your back, what are his actions telling you?[/QUOTE]

 

They are telling me he wants to have small talk with her. No it is not ok and I am not saying I can accpet that, which is why I am getting myself together and I will confront him with all my facts. But if we go strictly be actions, I see him wanting to engage in small talk but not nesscarily more or that it will turn into a full on EA again...it wasn't enough in the messages to determine that and also he is only messaging her every few days, making her wait for a reply...that action doesn't tell me she is a priorty to him...

[Clay]

No one can make anyone feel like they can't do any better. No matter what games are played.

 

No one is responsible for anyone else's feelings. She is responsible for her feelings regardless what her H is doing. She has choices.

 

Right now, she's choosing to stick her head in the sand about what's really going on here:

 

Because

 

She's not financially in a position to leave

 

Because

 

She thinks they are just friends

 

Because

 

She's worried he will blame her for not trusting him

 

Because

 

She's worried everyone else will think she's blowing things out of proportion

 

Because

 

She thinks he will continue to contact her no matter what she says or does

 

And the list of excuses goes on.

 

She has got to want to hold him accountable and she doesn't. She hasn't confronted him.

 

This isn't about her H playing games as much as it is she's allowing him to play games.

 

I really don't deny what you are saying. I do think she needs to stand up for herself. I do think the dynamics of their relationship plays a big role. Some people come into relationships with self esteems issues to start so who knows.

 

Clay

[MJJean]

I get that but he did make moves to be with me. HE cut her off, HE told her that they couldn't hang out anymore, that he has to try with me and he couldn't fully while still in such close contact with her. He asked her to understand, asked to think how she would feel if she was me. They went a long time without talking before SHE decided to reach out on New year's. He had made no attempts to contact her until this happened. Once back in Oct-Nov she asked to talk to him and he told her he didn't know if he would be able to and then she just stopped contacting him all together until recently. I think he is/was trying to move past her but she keeps popping up. At least that's how I see it

 

I don't think some lovesick puppy would do all the above to an OW he loves so much...his actions told her he chose me.

 

Relationships are complicated. It's entirely possible he told her that in an effort to get her to chase him due to the previous dumping she gave him and the fact that she wasn't willing to have sex with him while he was married. Threaten to end it, to go NC, and hope she has a panic response and becomes willing to sleep with him/be with him for real.

 

Not to mention he could put in a token effort and then later say he tried so that he could be the good guy.

 

Wouldn't be the first time I've seen both.

 

She probably sent out a mass Happy New Year text to all of her contacts and he happened to be still on her contacts list.

 

But who reached out or why doesn't matter. The point is that he is still in contact with her and that he specifically said to her in the past that he'd stay in contact with her despite knowing your wishes and feelings. If he was serious about your marriage he'd have gone NC. He would have deleted her from his phone and then blocked her number and blocked her from any social media he uses. He didn't. He's not trying to move past her.

 

He's cheated on you before. He's still in contact with his AP. He's likely in love with her. Why is this so confusing for you? It's really very simple. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want to be alone, either. He knows he can keep pulling his bullsh*t and that you'll maybe leave temporarily at worst. Basically, he knows you're his doormat and he has no problem wiping his boots on you!

Edited January 21, 2015 by MJJean

[MJJean]

And now that he's talking to her behind your back, what are his actions telling you?[/QUOTE]

 

They are telling me he wants to have small talk with her. No it is not ok and I am not saying I can accpet that, which is why I am getting myself together and I will confront him with all my facts. But if we go strictly be actions, I see him wanting to engage in small talk but not nesscarily more or that it will turn into a full on EA again...it wasn't enough in the messages to determine that and also he is only messaging her every few days, making her wait for a reply...that action doesn't tell me she is a priorty to him...

 

Let's try this again...

 

He's a serial cheater who is maintaining contact with his latest affair partner and doesn't care that it upsets you. Period. That's enough to damn him right there all by itself.

 

Making her wait for a reply is a tactic. It's called "playing hard to get". Oldest trick in the book. Always leave them wanting more. Make them chase you. And, again, it doesn't matter if he is texting her recipes or long love poems. He shouldn't be texting her at all and he knows it!

[aliveagain]

Not at all about the finances. This girl has a great career and I actually think what she earns is equal to my H. She is very indepenpent and he always told her he loved that about her.

 

I am confused about her telling him she might move...why would that be fishing? And why would he seem so focused on that part of the convo. I know he has said that he hates where we live now and wants to move. He also told her once that he wanted to move away and forget all this mess here.

 

I am going to confront, I am getting everything lined up. I want to know and understand exactly what this is, so he or anyone else cannot tell me I am blowing up nothing, he will downplay and minimize his feelings for her but I want objective opinons, I don't want to be tricked anymore.

 

If her career is that great why is she thinking of moving away(would she still stay working with the same company, do you know?) It's fishing to gauge his level of interest, it worked, he's engaged her and on that very subject. Why is he focused on her moving away, because he doesn't want to loose her. I think there is more to their relationship than you know about.

[confusedwife1981]

He cheated. You left and then came back, He didn't even have to work at winning you. He's still talking to her and you're still there. Yeah, you're the sure thing. He's now pretty certain you won't leave permanently.

 

You are correct. You were picked by default.

 

The fact that you left and he concentrated on her and did nothing or very little to win you back speaks volumes.

 

At this point, I'd call her and let her know she can have him with my compliments. I'm only for reconciling if both parties want to give it a try and if the WS is 100% repentant and putting everything s/he has into the marriage. If not, all bets are off in my book.

 

He has her phone number hidden. She asked him to delete after I freakout her out by contacting her. He refsued to delete it and told her he would make sure no one got it. I still haven't found it.

[Rainbowlove]

He has her phone number hidden. She asked him to delete after I freakout her out by contacting her. He refsued to delete it and told her he would make sure no one got it. I still haven't found it.

 

That's just so messed up.

[confusedwife1981]

If her career is that great why is she thinking of moving away(would she still stay working with the same company, do you know?) It's fishing to gauge his level of interest, it worked, he's engaged her and on that very subject. Why is he focused on her moving away, because he doesn't want to loose her. I think there is more to their relationship than you know about.

 

[sIZE=3]Well she is a nurse, so she has oppurtunites everywhere for her career. Thats what i meant by she has a great career, she can go anywhere and get a good job.

 

When he responsed about her moving, it just sounded like a friend or he was being polite. What got me is he stopped replying to the original message, let it die but then 10 days later started it back up asking her where she was moving.

[/sIZE]

[ladydesigner]

He has her phone number hidden. She asked him to delete after I freakout her out by contacting her. He refsued to delete it and told her he would make sure no one got it. I still haven't found it.

 

My WH put OW's name under a new name I wouldn't figure out (but of course did). These WS's get sneaky if they want to.

[MJJean]

That's just so messed up.

 

Truth!

 

I was in a similar situation years ago, but it wasn't an EA. It was some stupid drama relating to a friend who was toxic. I told my DH to hand over the phone number so I could give friend a piece of my mind. He said no, he didn't want unnecessary drama and he knew friend was full of it, so let it drop. I said that if he didn't give me friends number I would consider that him protecting friend and basically prioritizing friend over me. He didn't even take a full breath before he handed me his phone.

 

[sIZE=3]Well she is a nurse, so she has oppurtunites everywhere for her career. Thats what i meant by she has a great career, she can go anywhere and get a good job.

 

When he responsed about her moving, it just sounded like a friend or he was being polite. What got me is he stopped replying to the original message, let it die but then 10 days later started it back up asking her where she was moving.

[/sIZE]

 

Because he spent 10 days obsessing over her leaving and starting a new life without him and then waiting before contacting her so he wouldn't look desperate and could begin playing hard to get.

 

My WH put OW's name under a new name I wouldn't figure out (but of course did). These WS's get sneaky if they want to.

That is so common it must be in the Cheaters Code of Conduct handbook.

[Broom]

How do you know their messages aren't code and cleverly designed to seem innocent in case you stumbled upon them?

[Bartlett67]

The *only* thing I can't figure out is how are you are confused. He's actively engaged in an affair. He's made minimal gestures in an attempt to placate you, but is still, obviously, planning to keep it going with her. You have only one thing to decide: is this how you want to live?

 

You don't get to decide whether or not he'll keep pursuing her. He's made it clear he will. You can, however, decide whether or not you enjoy being the doormat on which he wipes the sh*t off his shoes. That's your decision to make.

[MJJean]

If her career is that great why is she thinking of moving away(would she still stay working with the same company, do you know?) It's fishing to gauge his level of interest, it worked, he's engaged her and on that very subject. Why is he focused on her moving away, because he doesn't want to loose her. I think there is more to their relationship than you know about.

 

Being that she is an experienced nurse she might be legitimately moving for a better position/better pay. Around here hospitals pay LPN's and RN's $40 just for submitting a resume and coming in for an interview. They'll offer higher pay than a competent nurse's current position as well as pay something toward moving expenses to lure nurses in.