Husband broke NC again!!!

[Baby123]

This story reminds me a bit of my situation, the married couple were older than me and I'm in my 20's- a career girl.

 

 

In my situation me and the MM had a very short A and he moved out and we lived together (5 days a week for a year- I was still in full time education). He went back to reconcile, she was financially dependent on him, was pulling stunts like OD'ing and the kids begged him to give her one last shot.

 

 

They went on holiday and a some dates over the course of a few months- I let him see both of us for a while (the biggest mistake of my life) and he ended up going NC with me for her.

 

 

In this time she used to try to ask to do things like take family photos to post on social media to try to upset me and he would never let her, she contacted me once and he flipped at her and she used to ask him to tell me I meant nothing to him, and he would never- I was still his priority deep down. In the meantime I constantly updated my social media to show how happy I was and I never broke NC- this killed him and he said he could not stop thinking about me.

 

 

He said those 6 weeks were the most painful of his life, it made him realise he needed to D, it made him make a choice- it was me. His passion was for me. He contacted me andeventually I relented with the condition he divorced - he did and now we are together and very very happy.

 

 

I think you should be cautious, it sounds like he's in R for practical reasons but his heart is elsewhere.

[No Limit]

They are telling me he wants to have small talk with her.

 

No. He wants to be with her, he wants to screw her, he has feelings for her - most likely affair fog feelings, but feelings nonetheless - and you're just sitting back and hold your hands to your eyes until eventually you'll be given evidence that their affair never truly ended (since they are still in touch, it indeed never ended, it just turned emotional only - well, at least as far as you know).

[Spark1111]

Why would you still want a man who cheats on you and at the very least, does not respect you enough to stop lying to you and continues contact with his EA partner in secret?

 

Why do you want this man? He might have moved home but he certainly does not seem remorseful or transparent. THOSE are the actions that count.

 

Am I correct that you have one child together?

 

Pack a bag, or better yet, pack his bag and tell him it's over.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will cherish and RESPECT you.

 

If you stay, I can virtually guarantee you he will do this again and again and again to you.

 

How sad....

[Bartlett67]

Stop everything your doing and see an attorney.

[Friskyone4u]

Confused Wife

If your husband is putting your entire relationship on the line for an ex AP that he refuses to have NC with them in answer to your question I am saying I believe if she came back and wanted it that he would enter into PA with her again.

I am also assuming you are sure it had stopped

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Does you husband actually love you? Because I recall all the things he said to her about you, but you choose to believe it's just what people in an affair say or that he didn't mean it.

 

He basically said you were financially dependant on him and that's why he was with you, also because of your daughter.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to realise he's with you out of pity. Because as a cashier you don't have much money.

 

 

Have you been to MC? Try asking your husband what he really wants. He's. Heated before this and it xoesn look like the cheating is a deal breaker for you. You realise that if She let him, he'd have her in a heartbeat right?

 

See an attorney to get an idea of how things you be for you if you divorced because even if it's not this woman, he has no respect for you and its just a matter of time. He could be waiting till your daughter gets older to leave. All the while your getting older, when you could have moved on with a loving faithful respectful husband. Not one who says if he won the lottery he'd give you half and get divorced.

 

Apart from breaking nc how are things in your marriage now?

[Lion Heart]

I'm gonna try to write a letter to you that your betraying husband can't or won't write (my hand is shaky because I'm feeling your pain and this is so many people's stories, it's been mine).

 

I'm sorry this is harsh, REALLY HARSH but he may NEVER BE MAN ENOUGH to write it himself. (Literary license here).

 

To my poor long suffering wife,

 

I'm sorry I married you. Yes at the time I had feelings for you and wanted a family. I thought I could make it work but in hind sight you were a rebound. I wanted security and you offered it. You gave me a daughter, I know! I should've been happy! But all my affairs, my total and complete infatuation and obsession with OW has taught me that I don't want you. In comparison with AP I just don't love you NEARLY ENOUGH. Sorry but I just don't. I don't want you to stay but you just stay. So I'm putting a roof over your head and that's the absolute best I can do for you out of obligation.

 

If OW had stayed with me before I married you and could love me back like I've loved her? God I'd be the happiest man alive. I've been searching for that exact same feeling with someone, ANYONE and after years of searching, she comes back! Who cares if she never sleeps with me again, I'd do anything for her. And now I've got her back and she's not seeing another man, I've got a chance. I'll never stop trying even if she marries someone else and has 10 children. I want those children to be mine but I wouldn't care. Not you, nor our precious daughter can drag me back! I've tried but I can't and now I don't even want to try because I'm in love with OW.

 

I really don't want to hurt you anymore. I can see you're going crazy asking everyone else WHY? WHY? And it's impossible for me to talk to you about it because you're in a world of confusion and we'd argue. I don't want to argue with you. It's a waste of time. I've tried NC because you told me to. Never because I wanted to. Yes I've done everything I can to see OW during NC and will do as long as I'm breathing, whether you stay or go.

 

It's over between us. I'm pining, yearning and addicted to OW. it's not gonna work between us. The best thing for you is to cut and run. Once you've healed somewhat I know someone will be able to give you what I can't. I can't. Stop expecting it. I can't.

 

Your unfaithful, betraying husband.

 

(Yes ALOT of literary license there but it's a summary of your descriptors in your threads. That was one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write and I'm a stranger. BUT I'M a stranger who has empathy. Maybe I can see things more clearly than you right now.

I could be entirely wrong! I WANT TO BE WRONG!

But if I were you, after you've packed to leave and organised your next place to live, get a stamped envelope, write your new address on the front, print out my letter and leave a highlighter.

just ask him to highlight the correct parts and mail it to you.

JUST SO YOU KNOW. Yeah he may just rip it up and throw it away. The truth hurts ALOT in these circumstances.

I'm so sorry.

Heal

create

Love your baby girl, she needs her mumma

 

With all the good energy and strength I can send, you can do this

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Please leave or at worst stay and get trained up as a Counsellor that specializes in infidelity, God knows there's plenty of work!

 

LH

[bathtub-row]

I know my questions seem dumb but I am in a very confusing place in my life. So even by having this limited contact, my H is still in his affair with her?

 

I am going to confront my H with this all very soon.

 

You're confused because what you see and what you hear are in conflict with one another. In other words, you know you're being lied to but you don't want to act on it.

 

As a former OW, I can tell you that affairs rarely end completely. xMM and I would still be in an affair to this day if I were ok with it. I'm not sure what the OW or your husband are doing but I can pretty much guarantee you that he wants to have an affair with her. It makes no sense why he chose to stay with you and do what he's doing, but that is, in fact, what he's doing. As in a lot of cases like this, he probably cares about you and doesn't want to uproot his life, but he still wants this OW. It really boils down to what you will tolerate.

 

I would recommend getting your financial ducks in a row, and I wouldn't bother confronting your husband about this stuff. He'll just keep lying. And I'm not sure why anyone would've told you not to check up on his computer, etc. How else would you know anything? If he has nothing to hide, then there would be nothing to find. You may want to take a peek at his cell phone records. That's a story that doesn't lie.

 

You really have a couple of choices -- either walk away from this once you're financially stable, or ignore what he's doing and see if it fizzles out. Regardless, even if he does nothing with the OW, you now know for a fact that he will do things behind your back. That's not a very comforting thought.

[bathtub-row]

And, again, it doesn't matter if he is texting her recipes or long love poems. He shouldn't be texting her at all and he knows it!

 

This comment is spot on. I can't remember if it was during the height of our affair or during one of our many break-ups, but MM texted me a picture of a Christmas bear once. His wife saw it and went through the roof. He must've told a fantastic lie because it seemed to die there. I always wondered what on earth she thought the reason was that he was texting something like that to me in the first place.

[LifesontheUp]

He even told her about the times he cheated on me in the past.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

But, this stood out for me.

 

He's a serial cheater, so why on earth are you putting yourself through this again.

 

Are you not worth anything? Why don't you count? Why do you put up with his s**t?

[confusedwife1981]

Why would you still want a man who cheats on you and at the very least, does not respect you enough to stop lying to you and continues contact with his EA partner in secret?

 

Why do you want this man? He might have moved home but he certainly does not seem remorseful or transparent. THOSE are the actions that count.

 

Am I correct that you have one child together?

 

Pack a bag, or better yet, pack his bag and tell him it's over.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will cherish and RESPECT you.

 

If you stay, I can virtually guarantee you he will do this again and again and again to you.

 

How sad....

 

I am not sure why I stay. I believed he wanted to work on our marriage. A side from this contact, he hasn't had any other type of contact with her. He is keeping his distance from her which I thought was a good step but I guess it doesn't matter now.

 

No my daughter is not his, she is from a previous relationship but he loves her like she's his own. We do not have any children together and he is adamant about not wanting more. Ever.

[confusedwife1981]

Confused Wife

If your husband is putting your entire relationship on the line for an ex AP that he refuses to have NC with them in answer to your question I am saying I believe if she came back and wanted it that he would enter into PA with her again.

I am also assuming you are sure it had stopped

 

I know the meeting up and hanging out has completely stopped. They haven't seen each other in a few months. For awhile there was 100% NC until she broke it again.

[confusedwife1981]

OP

 

Does you husband actually love you? Because I recall all the things he said to her about you, but you choose to believe it's just what people in an affair say or that he didn't mean it.

 

He basically said you were financially dependant on him and that's why he was with you, also because of your daughter.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to realise he's with you out of pity. Because as a cashier you don't have much money.

 

 

Have you been to MC? Try asking your husband what he really wants. He's. Heated before this and it xoesn look like the cheating is a deal breaker for you. You realise that if She let him, he'd have her in a heartbeat right?

 

See an attorney to get an idea of how things you be for you if you divorced because even if it's not this woman, he has no respect for you and its just a matter of time. He could be waiting till your daughter gets older to leave. All the while your getting older, when you could have moved on with a loving faithful respectful husband. Not one who says if he won the lottery he'd give you half and get divorced.

 

Apart from breaking nc how are things in your marriage now?

 

He claims he loves me. Yes he said all those things about me and they were true but he also said I wasn't a bad wife. I didn't know for a fact if he really meant those things because I think it's possible he was saying them to downplay our marriage to her.

 

Would a man really stay with a woman out of pity? I see it here all the time "he's where he wants to be" so that is not with me? He had the chance to leave me completely but he didn't. My daughter is not his so there is no custody battle or anything difficult but still he chose to be with me. Does that not count for anything at all?

 

We haven't been to MC yet but he is willing to try it. He says he wants to see if our marriage can work. That's what he wants.

 

Apart from the breaking NC things are kinda just going. They are ok but not wonderful. She asked him how he was doing and he told her he was just barely making it. Whatever that means.

 

I am get my finances together and I will at least get an opinion from a lawyer on my future options.

[confusedwife1981]

You're confused because what you see and what you hear are in conflict with one another. In other words, you know you're being lied to but you don't want to act on it.

 

As a former OW, I can tell you that affairs rarely end completely. xMM and I would still be in an affair to this day if I were ok with it. I'm not sure what the OW or your husband are doing but I can pretty much guarantee you that he wants to have an affair with her. It makes no sense why he chose to stay with you and do what he's doing, but that is, in fact, what he's doing. As in a lot of cases like this, he probably cares about you and doesn't want to uproot his life, but he still wants this OW. It really boils down to what you will tolerate.

 

I would recommend getting your financial ducks in a row, and I wouldn't bother confronting your husband about this stuff. He'll just keep lying. And I'm not sure why anyone would've told you not to check up on his computer, etc. How else would you know anything? If he has nothing to hide, then there would be nothing to find. You may want to take a peek at his cell phone records. That's a story that doesn't lie.

 

You really have a couple of choices -- either walk away from this once you're financially stable, or ignore what he's doing and see if it fizzles out. Regardless, even if he does nothing with the OW, you now know for a fact that he will do things behind your back. That's not a very comforting thought.

 

Thanks for your input from the other side of things. It sounds like the main/only reason your affair ended was because of you and sticking to your self control, not because of anything your exMM did/or wanted. This concerns me alot, I wish she would go away because I am finally seeing it is hard for him to resist her. He did great at NC for 2 months until she popped back up. Makes me think he only did great because she wasn't reaching out.

[confusedwife1981]

 

This comment is spot on. I can't remember if it was during the height of our affair or during one of our many break-ups, but MM texted me a picture of a Christmas bear once. His wife saw it and went through the roof. He must've told a fantastic lie because it seemed to die there. I always wondered what on earth she thought the reason was that he was texting something like that to me in the first place.

 

I get it. He shouldn't be texting her ANYTHING unless to say "Don't ever contact me again". The christmas bear seemed innocent probably but was there an underlying meaning to the bear? On the surface my H seems to just be making polite convo about her possbily moving away in a couple years but underneath I think there is another reason why he is focused on it. OR he could care less but just wants to have a reason to talk to her?

[confusedwife1981]

Please forgive me everyone but part of my confusion comes from this:

 

I read the ow/om forum as well but never posted. I see on there all, OW spilling out all things MM has done or said to them that proved he wanted her above all else. Most of the responses are that he will never leave his wife and so on, they are not a priority. If OW posted about this minimal contact, she would be told she was nothing to him, not important, he only finds time every few days so she is not on his mind...

 

Ok then I post my story here and it seems like General vote that my H does want his OW over me, that she is plan A and a priority over me and my feelings and hearing that just hurts so bad. I'm sorry to admit that I found comfort in those posts, it made me think that my H was just saying things he didn't mean, that he couldn't possibly want her over me in the big picture.

 

I'm sorry people, I am going to get it together.

[MJJean]

Please forgive me everyone but part of my confusion comes from this:

 

I read the ow/om forum as well but never posted. I see on there all, OW spilling out all things MM has done or said to them that proved he wanted her above all else. Most of the responses are that he will never leave his wife and so on, they are not a priority. If OW posted about this minimal contact, she would be told she was nothing to him, not important, he only finds time every few days so she is not on his mind...

 

Ok then I post my story here and it seems like General vote that my H does want his OW over me, that she is plan A and a priority over me and my feelings and hearing that just hurts so bad. I'm sorry to admit that I found comfort in those posts, it made me think that my H was just saying things he didn't mean, that he couldn't possibly want her over me in the big picture.

 

I'm sorry people, I am going to get it together.

 

Every situation is different. Sure, your H might be where he is because he wants to be there, but the question is...why? Is he there because he loves you and wants to truly make amends and fix whatever underlying issues that lead to the affair or is he there because his AP rejected him? Is he there because it's easier than unraveling his life through a divorce or is he there because he doesn't want a life without you?

 

Considering he hasn't blocked her so she can't reach out to him nor he to her, I'm going with he'd be out the door if she was willing to take him. It's not like blocking someone is difficult. It takes all of 3 minutes.

 

And, again, I'd bet that she sent out a mass text on New Years and did not intentionally break NC, but he sure jumped on it.

[MJJean]

 

I get it. He shouldn't be texting her ANYTHING unless to say "Don't ever contact me again". The christmas bear seemed innocent probably but was there an underlying meaning to the bear? On the surface my H seems to just be making polite convo about her possbily moving away in a couple years but underneath I think there is another reason why he is focused on it. OR he could care less but just wants to have a reason to talk to her?

 

Of course he was looking for an excuse to talk to her! If he didn't want to talk to her, despite your feelings, he wouldn't be talking to her. At all. Ever. Under any circumstances. Period. It's not complicated.

[LifesontheUp]

Confused,

 

Again, he is a serial cheater. He is still in contact, be it minimal or not with his latest OW.

 

Why do you put up with this?

 

He should have NO contact at all.

 

You are letting him do this to you.

 

Pack his bags and tell him to go. Unless you want to go through this throughout the rest of your life

[Rainbowlove]

Most of the responses are that he will never leave his wife and so on, they are not a priority. If OW posted about this minimal contact, she would be told she was nothing to him, not important, he only finds time every few days so she is not on his mind...

 

Perhaps this is true. If his OW was posting on LS, we'd all say, he's with his wife, move on...he's using you, he's not going to leave her, he wants his cake and eat it too...

 

None of that is important here. That's really the HUGE piece you are missing. It doesn't matter if she's 1st or 2nd in his life...SHE SHOULDN'T BE IN HIS LIFE AT ALL.

 

I'm not yelling, more pointing out the obvious.

 

And the other HUGE piece you are missing is that YOU ARE NOT CONFRONTING HIM. You are not exposing their contact, their disrespect, his lies...etc.

 

The other HUGE piece you are missing is...WHY ARE YOU WILLING TO ALLOW IT?

 

Put an end to it already. Talk to him about his contact with her. See what he says and come back to us.

[Timshel]

Please forgive me everyone but part of my confusion comes from this:

 

I read the ow/om forum as well but never posted. I see on there all, OW spilling out all things MM has done or said to them that proved he wanted her above all else. Most of the responses are that he will never leave his wife and so on, they are not a priority. If OW posted about this minimal contact, she would be told she was nothing to him, not important, he only finds time every few days so she is not on his mind...

 

Ok then I post my story here and it seems like General vote that my H does want his OW over me, that she is plan A and a priority over me and my feelings and hearing that just hurts so bad. I'm sorry to admit that I found comfort in those posts, it made me think that my H was just saying things he didn't mean, that he couldn't possibly want her over me in the big picture.

 

I'm sorry people, I am going to get it together.

 

You are correct in your observation that most often the OW is not genuinely important to the MM. If you read posts to BS, the consensus is MM is not sincere or invested in the BS either. I hope you are able to be objective enough to see that while a person is engaged in an affair, they are taking neither relationship seriously and are engaged with themselves in filling some void. They are running from themselves.

 

I think some people are just cheaters and require professional diagnosis and treatment if they care to change. Others are discontented and choosing a really crappy way to resolve conflict. They are aware that something is empty and unfulfilled, yet turn to an AP in an attempt to pacify themselves. As opposed to dealing with the issues that haunt them.

 

There really is no contradiction OP, though I understand that you are searching for one. What I have read about you is that, like your husband, you are unwilling and scared half out or your mind to FACE and DEAL with the current state of your marriage. I observe that you are coming from a place of fear.

 

Rather than interpret all of our advice as an insistence to end your marriage, I would suggest that you are being strongly encouraged to face the truth/problems and address them.

 

You may very well keep your marriage and we all would hope so. The question is: Will the course of events move the two of you towards a more fulfilling partnership that is founded in integrity, or not?

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

But, this stood out for me.

 

He's a serial cheater, so why on earth are you putting yourself through this again.

 

Are you not worth anything? Why don't you count? Why do you put up with his s**t?

 

Ugh! I didn't see this part. That's just inexcusable.

[Spark1111]

I can see why you would take some solace in him talking to her only occasionally and moving back with you, but as a BS who has successfully reconciled with her fWH, he just doesn't act like a man who has much to lose...namely you.

 

So sorry. I know how much that must hurt.

 

You must be a force to be reckoned with, someone who states clearly what she will and won't tolerate: You must demand respect, kindness and exclusivity and if he won't deliver, you must be fully prepared to move on.

 

where is your anger lady? You are a woman scorned....STILL being disrespected!

 

You must respect yourself, your needs and your feelings FIRST, otherwise no one else will.

 

Why did he cheat previously? Why did you take him back? Did you do so too easily? Was there IC, MC, soul searching, remorse and transparency on his part?

 

or did you both rug sweep and not voice your true pain, demand answers, and pretend it didn't happen like so many couples do?

 

Why does he not want children with you?

 

You seem like a sweet kind lady and it is obvious to all your good nature is being soooo taken advantage of.....find the steel in your spine and stand up for what you want in a relationship. if he doesn't deliver, be prepared to walk away. No empty threats.

 

like many cheaters, he desires what he cannot have and neglects what he does have. Raise your standards and DEMAND, or set him free to be with his OW or some other woman.

 

based on all you have posted, he does not respect nor cherish you. You are being played for security.

 

make him insecure. tell him YOU no longer want him since he seems to want someone else.

 

No kids? set yourself free. Today. Find a man who loves and cherishes you for you.

 

I'm rooting for you!

[beach]

He's communicating with her knowing full well that he's willing to risk your marriage.

 

That is why people here have posted just how disrespectful he's willing to be to you by texting her.

 

Since he's totally willing to risk it - why would you stay?

 

 

See an attorney and find out if he's obligated to pay you a monthly amount if you divorce? He may be staying married because it's cheaper to have you live there free than divorce you.

 

How long have you been married? Do you work? How much does he earn - and you earn?