Husband broke NC again!!!

[Rainbowlove]

part of me thinks that my H is just being nice and polite and doesn't want to be on bad terms with her, but they pretty much already cleared up that they don't hate each other...then the other part thinks maybe he was just waiting until he thought I forgot or moved past it...

 

None of this matters.

 

What matters is he's not getting it.

 

He cannot be nice to a woman that he had an emotional affair with. He cannot support her. He cannot be friends with her.

 

They have already crossed the line. Once that happens, you cannot uncross it.

 

You have minimized his behavior. You are looking for excuses as to why he continues to talk to the woman he wanted to have sex with, but wouldn't do it with him.

 

Are you hearing me say that?

 

He wanted to stick himself in her, but she wouldn't.

[confusedwife1981]

None of this matters.

 

What matters is he's not getting it.

 

He cannot be nice to a woman that he had an emotional affair with. He cannot support her. He cannot be friends with her.

 

They have already crossed the line. Once that happens, you cannot uncross it.

 

You have minimized his behavior. You are looking for excuses as to why he continues to talk to the woman he wanted to have sex with, but wouldn't do it with him.

 

Are you hearing me say that?

 

He wanted to stick himself in her, but she wouldn't.

 

Yes I am and I do understand that he wanted to sleep with her but it never happened. I get what you're saying about him being polite or nice to her, it doesn't matter because he shouldn't be doing either with her but I am not sure he sees it that way.

 

I will say I am not looking for excuses why he continues contact with her, I am looking for a reason behind it, what does it really say? On the surface, I can see why he or friends or family might think I am blowing nothing out of porportion. He doesn't really think I should be as upset because we were not together when he started dealing with her again, I wanted to be separated and I left him. If I bring her or their friendship up he will just say that I was unhappy and wanted to leave so it shouldn't bother me as much. He didn't hide her from me but I can tell he feels entitled to keep the depth of their friendship to himself, like he doesn't have to explain it to me. When I wanted to question her, he told me leave her alone!

[confusedwife1981]

For my WH OW must have been worth risking our M because he did it.

 

Please be very careful. Mine would always wait for the air to clear before starting up again. I got to a point where I checked all his devices and he still managed to contact her through a second secret phone, saw her somehow.

 

I am sorry you are going through this as well. I have read alot on here and the OW/OM forum and it seems that they wait about 3 months average before starting up again...well it's been about 3 months since he "ended" things with her and of course he might be thinking I have moved past it. If you don't mind me asking, about how long did your WH wait for the "air to clear"?

[whichwayisup]

Ego feed. He likes knowing she's reaching out and it makes him feel good. This is all about him and my guess is, he feels he's done nothing wrong by having slight contact here and there. The problem is, he KNOWS he's not supposed to and has chosen not to block her on fb or anywhere else.

 

You need to ask him why he feels so compelled to keep contact with her? What is the point of trying to reconnect and fix things since he turns around and does what he's NOT supposed to do, keep in touch with her.

 

Tell him you don't trust him and that it would be best if he packed a bag and stayed somewhere else for a while. This will give you both time to think if your marriage is worth fighting for. It's a waste of your time and energy to try to fix your marriage if he continues going behind your back. Shows he isn't committed and he is putting himself first once again.

[HereNorThere]

Of course he is going to keep contacting her! He knows you aren't going to do anything about it. You've already proven to him (by staying) that cheating is acceptable to you. He's laying low right and waiting for the smoke to clear, but he'll be back it soon enough.

 

Look, you should stop checking his messages and just accept that this is part of who is. That is, unless you plan on putting your money where your mouth is, but aren't. For some reason, you're scared to let him go. A stronger person would have already had their sh*t on the lawn and divorce paper filed.

[confusedwife1981]

Ego feed. He likes knowing she's reaching out and it makes him feel good. This is all about him and my guess is, he feels he's done nothing wrong by having slight contact here and there. The problem is, he KNOWS he's not supposed to and has chosen not to block her on fb or anywhere else.

 

You need to ask him why he feels so compelled to keep contact with her? What is the point of trying to reconnect and fix things since he turns around and does what he's NOT supposed to do, keep in touch with her.

 

Tell him you don't trust him and that it would be best if he packed a bag and stayed somewhere else for a while. This will give you both time to think if your marriage is worth fighting for. It's a waste of your time and energy to try to fix your marriage if he continues going behind your back. Shows he isn't committed and he is putting himself first once again.

 

Thank you but I would have to leave, the house is technically his (he had it before we met) and I cannot afford the mortage. I am trying to get all my ducks in a row before I make my next move.

[MJJean]

 

I want to be able to think my H can have female friends, I don't want to be the wife that trys to control who hangs he out with. Of course I cannot trust him if she is still in the picture but is she really still considered in the picture? This contact is limited and I know for a fact they are not meeting up or anything like that.

 

I don't see exactly how she is plan A or #1, he cut her off to work things out with me. When I read on the OW forum, I always she people telling the OW she was not a priorty to the WH but it sounds like you are saying she is...I don't understand that

 

Nope, he gave up the right to have female friends when he became emotionally unfaithful with one of them. Frankly, he'd have been physically unfaithful but she wouldn't have sex with him. Do you fully realize what that means? The only reason he wasn't screwing this other woman was because she wouldn't allow it.

 

Yes, she is still in the picture because he is still contacting her and allowing her to contact him.

 

They aren't meeting up, but does that matter? They don't need to meet to continue an EA and just because they aren't meeting now doesn't mean they won't later.

 

I can see how she was Plan A. He was involved and wanted a physical and emotional relationship despite being married to you. She put the brakes on that and refused him the physical side. Man cannot live by conversation alone. So, since she wasn't playing ball, he came crawling back to you as Plan B.

 

I am sorry to hear that.

 

Why would a WH choose to reconcil and then undermine it by remaining in contact with OW? Is it worth the risk of losing the marriage? A part of me thinks that my H is just being nice and polite and doesn't want to be on bad terms with her, but they pretty much already cleared up that they don't hate each other...then the other part thinks maybe he was just waiting until he thought I forgot or moved past it...

 

A WH choosing to reconcile and yet maintaining contact with his OW isn't truly committed to reconciling. If he were he'd have blocked her number and deleted any trace of her contact info. Knowing how this EA caused you pain should trump any desire to "be polite". That it didn't speaks volumes.

 

I know my questions seem dumb but I am in a very confusing place in my life. So even by having this limited contact, my H is still in his affair with her?

 

I am going to confront my H with this all very soon.

 

I wouldn't say he is still in an affair with her, but being in contact with her in any form or even allowing the possibility of contact from her does put him under suspicion. I'd take a stab and guess he'd like to be in an affair with her, but since she won't do that he's holding out hope that she'll change her mind, hence the contact.

 

If he claims he's not holding out hope then he's got zero reason to not block and delete. Tell him that. Remember, he broke your trust and if he wants to keep his marriage to you he's going to have to accept some policy changes.

[confusedwife1981]

Of course he is going to keep contacting her! He knows you aren't going to do anything about it. You've already proven to him (by staying) that cheating is acceptable to you. He's laying low right and waiting for the smoke to clear, but he'll be back it soon enough.

 

Look, you should stop checking his messages and just accept that this is part of who is. That is, unless you plan on putting your money where your mouth is, but aren't. For some reason, you're scared to let him go. A stronger person would have already had their sh*t on the lawn and divorce paper filed.

 

I don't think I made cheating acceptable, alot of BS's choose to stay and reconcil.

 

You say he is laying low right now? So you think it is possible that these "innocent messages" can turn back into a full on EA again?

 

My plan is to get myself together financially BEFORE I make any mention of wanting to leave again. I don't know what his reaction will be when he finds I have been snooping again so I can to make sure I can support myself and my daughter first.

[MJJean]

Thank you but I would have to leave, the house is technically his (he had it before we met) and I cannot afford the mortage. I am trying to get all my ducks in a row before I make my next move.

 

Contact an attorney. See what can be done for you as far as rights to the house and spousal/child support. If you decide to leave you'll know where you stand.

 

I don't think I made cheating acceptable, alot of BS's choose to stay and reconcil.

 

You say he is laying low right now? So you think it is possible that these "innocent messages" can turn back into a full on EA again?

 

My plan is to get myself together financially BEFORE I make any mention of wanting to leave again. I don't know what his reaction will be when he finds I have been snooping again so I can to make sure I can support myself and my daughter first.

 

There is a difference between choosing to stay and reconcile with boundaries, rules, limitations and choosing to stay while letting the WS continue on as normal.

 

Yes and yes.

 

He doesn't get to be pissed you were snooping. He broke the trust and gave you cause to snoop. That's his fault.

Edited January 20, 2015 by MJJean

[ladydesigner]

I am sorry you are going through this as well. I have read alot on here and the OW/OM forum and it seems that they wait about 3 months average before starting up again...well it's been about 3 months since he "ended" things with her and of course he might be thinking I have moved past it. If you don't mind me asking, about how long did your WH wait for the "air to clear"?

 

My WH picked up right away with OW. The telephone contact that is, I'm still not sure if the PA picked up right away but am assuming that did too. According to OW they never really were apart

[ladydesigner]

Of course he is going to keep contacting her! He knows you aren't going to do anything about it. You've already proven to him (by staying) that cheating is acceptable to you. He's laying low right and waiting for the smoke to clear, but he'll be back it soon enough.

 

Look, you should stop checking his messages and just accept that this is part of who is. That is, unless you plan on putting your money where your mouth is, but aren't. For some reason, you're scared to let him go. A stronger person would have already had their sh*t on the lawn and divorce paper filed.

 

The bold is not helpful to anyone.

[No Limit]

Are there good divorce lawyers in your area?

[HereNorThere]

I don't think I made cheating acceptable, alot of BS's choose to stay and reconcil.

 

You say he is laying low right now? So you think it is possible that these "innocent messages" can turn back into a full on EA again?

 

My plan is to get myself together financially BEFORE I make any mention of wanting to leave again. I don't know what his reaction will be when he finds I have been snooping again so I can to make sure I can support myself and my daughter first.

 

Uggh, there's nothing innocent about those messages. Those messages are harming his family and putting his marriage at risk. Good people simply don't do that type of thing.

 

Really, he cheated on you and you're worried about his reaction to snooping? Really? Why on earth would you care about what he thinks? You need to be worried about yourself now. There's really no reason to tell him you've been snooping. It's over, done, finished and he already knows why.

 

Also, and I hate to be able to break this to you, men don't have "emotional affairs." They might have a girlfriend who won't sleep with them, but even that sounds fishy. You calling this an EA really seems like you are trying to downplay what he did.

 

Don't worry about the finances. I'm sure a good attorney will pin his ass to the wall shortly.

[Winterina]

Have an affair of similar kind, get on OLD site and start flirting... or go out with good looking guy friend...every weekend. See what happens and how you will suddenly become interesting to him again. Or he will kick you out of his life for the same thing he is doing to you now. He knows you have nowhere to go and TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

[whichwayisup]

Have an affair of similar kind, get on OLD site and start flirting... or go out with good looking guy friend...every weekend. See what happens and how you will suddenly become interesting to him again. Or he will kick you out of his life for the same thing he is doing to you now. He knows you have nowhere to go and TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right and to suggest she go cheat on her husband isn't going to solve anything, it'll make things much worse and more complicated. Not a good idea at all. Then you have two people in the marriage now who can't trust each other at all!

[Spark1111]

Yes I am and I do understand that he wanted to sleep with her but it never happened. I get what you're saying about him being polite or nice to her, it doesn't matter because he shouldn't be doing either with her but I am not sure he sees it that way.

 

I will say I am not looking for excuses why he continues contact with her, I am looking for a reason behind it, what does it really say? On the surface, I can see why he or friends or family might think I am blowing nothing out of porportion. He doesn't really think I should be as upset because we were not together when he started dealing with her again, I wanted to be separated and I left him. If I bring her or their friendship up he will just say that I was unhappy and wanted to leave so it shouldn't bother me as much. He didn't hide her from me but I can tell he feels entitled to keep the depth of their friendship to himself, like he doesn't have to explain it to me. When I wanted to question her, he told me leave her alone!

 

please excuse me for not reading the whole thread......

 

he does it because he likes the "high," the ego boost of his emotional affair. It's a drug.

 

As soon as too much time goes by, he fears she IS moving on and he can't handle that.

 

So,draw your line in the sand....Contact HER and ask her why she is still in contact with your H, the one who claims to want to reconcile with YOU!

 

Then tell him you would never stand in the way of true love and wish him and her well. Pack his bags, call a D attorney and EXPOSE the affair to trusted friends and family.

 

Is she married? Tell her H or SO of all this contact. It is SOOOOO disrespectful and proof that he does not fear your leaving him for good!

 

prove him wrong.

[Mal78]

Your gut/intuition is telling you something... go with that. I think you are right, he waited out the dust settling and is trying to test the waters with her again. I also think that the 10 day delay in response is showing he is trying to fight this within and he failed miserably.

 

Curious about this OW? How invested is/was she in him. She didn't want to have sex with him even though he wanted to with her. Why? Is she married?

 

How do you feel about contacting her?

 

Your H is obviously breaking the boundaries of your R. What do you know about their EA that has him hooked/invested?

[Friskyone4u]

First , whoever gave you the advice NOT to check on him and not trust him needs their head examined.

Second, yes you need NO CONTACT with OW. That is the first prerequisite of any reconciliation.

 

The amazing thing about this is his refusal to stop talking to her when this relationship is destroying his marriage and he has not even had sex with her. I am guessing you are sure about that one.

It is very unusual for a man to so desperately cling to his AP when he has no chance for more sex. He really needs IC because something is really off.

 

If OW was now offering PA this might be understandable but this one is truly a head scratcher to me.

[confusedwife1981]

Uggh, there's nothing innocent about those messages. Those messages are harming his family and putting his marriage at risk. Good people simply don't do that type of thing.

 

Really, he cheated on you and you're worried about his reaction to snooping? Really? Why on earth would you care about what he thinks? You need to be worried about yourself now. There's really no reason to tell him you've been snooping. It's over, done, finished and he already knows why.

 

Also, and I hate to be able to break this to you, men don't have "emotional affairs." They might have a girlfriend who won't sleep with them, but even that sounds fishy. You calling this an EA really seems like you are trying to downplay what he did.

 

Don't worry about the finances. I'm sure a good attorney will pin his ass to the wall shortly.

 

I'm not "worried" about his reaction in the sense of being fearful. I just don't know what his reaction will be and I want to be able to leave and be able to support myself and child if he reacts in a negative way.

 

I'm not trying to downplay. I call it an EA because no sex was involved. I know he wanted to very much, I read enough messages to get that gist

[confusedwife1981]

Have an affair of similar kind, get on OLD site and start flirting... or go out with good looking guy friend...every weekend. See what happens and how you will suddenly become interesting to him again. Or he will kick you out of his life for the same thing he is doing to you now. He knows you have nowhere to go and TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

 

He didn't seem very interested in me or what I was doing while we were separated apart from my daughter being extremely sad, he was too caught up in OW. She even asked him if he thought I was dating and his response was he didn't know and didn't care...

[confusedwife1981]

please excuse me for not reading the whole thread......

 

he does it because he likes the "high," the ego boost of his emotional affair. It's a drug.

 

As soon as too much time goes by, he fears she IS moving on and he can't handle that.

 

So,draw your line in the sand....Contact HER and ask her why she is still in contact with your H, the one who claims to want to reconcile with YOU!

 

Then tell him you would never stand in the way of true love and wish him and her well. Pack his bags, call a D attorney and EXPOSE the affair to trusted friends and family.

 

Is she married? Tell her H or SO of all this contact. It is SOOOOO disrespectful and proof that he does not fear your leaving him for good!

 

prove him wrong.

 

But does he even realize this is a "high" or drug? Could he be mistaking these feelings for something else? It seems so obvious here but in real life...

 

I have tried contacting her many times in the past, I was even advised on this board to stop trying to contact her. Each time she ignored me and told my H what I was doing. He then would tell me to leave her out of it.

[confusedwife1981]

Your gut/intuition is telling you something... go with that. I think you are right, he waited out the dust settling and is trying to test the waters with her again. I also think that the 10 day delay in response is showing he is trying to fight this within and he failed miserably.

 

Curious about this OW? How invested is/was she in him. She didn't want to have sex with him even though he wanted to with her. Why? Is she married?

 

How do you feel about contacting her?

 

Your H is obviously breaking the boundaries of your R. What do you know about their EA that has him hooked/invested?

 

So he is trying? When you say "fight himself within" do you mean like battling his temptation?

 

I can tell from the messages that OW did like and care about him a lot but him being separated but still married was an issue for her. She would always tell him she wouldn't sleep with him until he was divorced or moving towards divorce. I know she flipped out on him a couple times when he mentioned her swaying his decision to stay married to me. She got upset and told him she didn't want him to leave FOR HER. She didn't want the blame, I guess. She has expressed sexual attraction towards him but won't act on it.

 

She is not married and she is quite a bit younger than us (we are in our 30s, she is in her 20s). He knew her before me and liked her a lot but she ended up "dumping" him in a way, a couple months after this he met me.

 

I have tried contacting her many times in the past, I was even advised on this board to stop trying to contact her. Each time she ignored me and told my H what I was doing. He then would tell me to leave her out of it.

 

What I know of their EA is that a lot went on. The messages they shared were very personal and intimate, my H would drive long distances everyday just to see her briefly, or take her to lunch. He would rearrange his work schedule to find a way to see her. If he couldn't see her, they were texting non stop. Always making plans to see each other on the weekends. He stopped focusing on me almost completely, if it weren't for my daughter I doubt we would have been talking at all the way he was acting! I'm not sure what has him hooked, she is very pretty and with a great career, very independent. He praised her on and on about he loved how motivated and determined she was, how driven. He told her wanted to support her in everyway. He told her she was the most beautiful woman to him. Idk if it's because he liked her in the past but she "dumped" him and now she's back??

[whichwayisup]

See you are only reading one part of this, their messages. You do not know if he's seen her, spoken to her on the phone and who knows what he's told her about you and your marriage.

 

All I can say is from what you've said, this doesn't look good. He's still holding a torch for her yet he can't leave..

 

Doesn't matter actually that they haven't had sex, EA's are just as dangerous. The sex is just the icing on the cake, but the feelings are were there anyway. Or still are.

 

He is getting his fix by keeping in contact with her and he is not investing in you and the marriage as long as she's still in the picture.

[MJJean]

But does he even realize this is a "high" or drug? Could he be mistaking these feelings for something else? It seems so obvious here but in real life...

 

I have tried contacting her many times in the past, I was even advised on this board to stop trying to contact her. Each time she ignored me and told my H what I was doing. He then would tell me to leave her out of it.

 

In the context of an affair we see the chemicals and hormones our bodies release as a drug, a high, an addiction.

 

In the context of two single people meeting we see the same chemicals and hormones as infatuation in the beginning that may evolve into actual love.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

My take on it is that he is in love with her, has been for quite some time (maybe before he met you) and he's still married to you instead of being with her because she wouldn't take that final step and cement their relationship by having sex. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You're "in hand" because you're married to him and presumably will not leave him. She's "in the bush" because she will not have sex with him and may move on to another relationship any time she likes.

 

Basically, he's still with you because you're the sure thing. As long as you're the sure thing he has no reason to go NC. And if you are no longer the sure thing he may decide he really wants to be with you and has made a terrible mistake or he may breathe a sigh of relief and run off to his love as soon as he can.

 

And, yeah, no. If she wants to be "left out of it" then she shouldn't be in contact with a married man. By getting involved with another woman's husband she opened herself up to all kinds of bullsh*t and that's her own damn fault. If your husband didn't want his precious getting flack from you than he shouldn't have gotten involved with her. Period. End of story. Because of their relationship and because he is still in contact with her and she him, as far as I can see you have every right to say what you want, when you want, to whom you want and they can just deal.

[confusedwife1981]

First , whoever gave you the advice NOT to check on him and not trust him needs their head examined.

Second, yes you need NO CONTACT with OW. That is the first prerequisite of any reconciliation.

 

The amazing thing about this is his refusal to stop talking to her when this relationship is destroying his marriage and he has not even had sex with her. I am guessing you are sure about that one.

It is very unusual for a man to so desperately cling to his AP when he has no chance for more sex. He really needs IC because something is really off.

 

If OW was now offering PA this might be understandable but this one is truly a head scratcher to me.

 

I will continue checking on him for now. Yes I agree completely, and it is very confusing why he holds onto her when there was no sex. I don't know if it has anything to do with him knowing her first and wanting to be with her but she dumped him and moved on. About the bolded, I get what you are saying that it would be more understandable if she was offering a PA now but she isn't. My question is that you are saying if she did NOW want to become invovled in a PA with him, he would do it? Even after choosing me and our marriage?