Husband broke NC again!!!

[bathtub-row]

Please forgive me everyone but part of my confusion comes from this:

 

I read the ow/om forum as well but never posted. I see on there all, OW spilling out all things MM has done or said to them that proved he wanted her above all else. Most of the responses are that he will never leave his wife and so on, they are not a priority. If OW posted about this minimal contact, she would be told she was nothing to him, not important, he only finds time every few days so she is not on his mind...

 

Ok then I post my story here and it seems like General vote that my H does want his OW over me, that she is plan A and a priority over me and my feelings and hearing that just hurts so bad. I'm sorry to admit that I found comfort in those posts, it made me think that my H was just saying things he didn't mean, that he couldn't possibly want her over me in the big picture.

 

I'm sorry people, I am going to get it together.

 

My thoughts on this topic are this: most men - not all, but most - do not put love as high on their list as women do. So, when we experience the effects of that, we're blindsided. Love falls lower on their list, where money, reputation, and responsibility are very much at the top. I'm not saying this is either good or bad. I'm just saying that it's very different from the way women prioritize love. And our mistake is in thinking that men think like we do. They don't.

 

These days, I view men in the same way I view a white tiger. Inspiring to look at but, if you get too close, you risk getting ripped to shreds. Maybe there are tame tigers out there, but they have strength, claws and teeth and always have the ability to turn on you. I know it's likely that men see women in much the same way. It seems that relationships with the opposite sex, for the human race, is plagued with many complexities.

Edited January 25, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Friskyone4u]

Confused

I think you have it correct. Judge your husband by what he does not what he says. He is telling you he wants to be with you BUT he refuses to totally end contact with her. And probably has gone underground with it .

You cannot indefinitely control his behavior but you CAN refuse to live in a marriage with three people in it . He needs to be knocked off the fence.

You need to ascertain your legal rights , do not tell him.

If you cannot through snooping determine that this contactnhas stopped you file for divorce . You can stop it anytime you want to but that will it clear to him that you have chosen to end your marriage rather than live in infidelity.

 

I am going to say it again. Men do not lose their marriage for platonic friends unless they are thinking with their penis instead of their brain. His behavior and attitude tells you which head he is thinking with. If you stay and accept this woman in his life you will be looking over your shoulder for a long time .

Don't get confused by the advice you are getting. Without total no contact that is verifiable the chances of a successful reconciliation are dramatically reduced.

Hang in there.

[confusedwife1981]

We have only been married 3 years, known each other for about 4 years.

 

I just got so focused on everyone saying she was a priority and plan A when I don't view this limited contact as such. Yes it is disrespectful to our reconciliation but it doesn't mean he will run off to her first chance. He had his chance to be done with me completely and chose not to be. When I said I wanted to come home, he let me and when I wanted the friendship to end, he told her they couldn't hang out or spend time together anymore, she took that kinda hard but he still did it and hasn't had ANY contact besides these few messages.

 

He hasn't even replied to her last message in a few days now. She is not on his mind, he used to text her constantly but now he is only replying every few days if that. At the time he told her they might be able to be friends again in a few months but here we are and they are not friends again. All he is giving her is a message every few days.

[confusedwife1981]

He's communicating with her knowing full well that he's willing to risk your marriage.

 

That is why people here have posted just how disrespectful he's willing to be to you by texting her.

 

Since he's totally willing to risk it - why would you stay?

 

 

See an attorney and find out if he's obligated to pay you a monthly amount if you divorce? He may be staying married because it's cheaper to have you live there free than divorce you.

 

How long have you been married? Do you work? How much does he earn - and you earn?

 

Married 3 years. He makes in the $55,000-$60,000 range and I make like $19,000.

[confusedwife1981]

 

Perhaps this is true. If his OW was posting on LS, we'd all say, he's with his wife, move on...he's using you, he's not going to leave her, he wants his cake and eat it too...

 

None of that is important here. That's really the HUGE piece you are missing. It doesn't matter if she's 1st or 2nd in his life...SHE SHOULDN'T BE IN HIS LIFE AT ALL.

 

I'm not yelling, more pointing out the obvious.

 

And the other HUGE piece you are missing is that YOU ARE NOT CONFRONTING HIM. You are not exposing their contact, their disrespect, his lies...etc.

 

The other HUGE piece you are missing is...WHY ARE YOU WILLING TO ALLOW IT?

 

Put an end to it already. Talk to him about his contact with her. See what he says and come back to us.

 

I do want to confront him BUT I do not know if he will be 100% AND I will lose my only way to check. If inform him and he chooses to lie then no doubt he will hide everything from me. I want evidence that he CANNOT deny, so if that means watching until I have some damning evidence the affiar has restarted. This is the closest to the truth I have been, I feel like.

[confusedwife1981]

Every situation is different. Sure, your H might be where he is because he wants to be there, but the question is...why? Is he there because he loves you and wants to truly make amends and fix whatever underlying issues that lead to the affair or is he there because his AP rejected him? Is he there because it's easier than unraveling his life through a divorce or is he there because he doesn't want a life without you?

 

Considering he hasn't blocked her so she can't reach out to him nor he to her, I'm going with he'd be out the door if she was willing to take him. It's not like blocking someone is difficult. It takes all of 3 minutes.

 

And, again, I'd bet that she sent out a mass text on New Years and did not intentionally break NC, but he sure jumped on it.

 

No the New Years text was kinda personal just to him. I can tell by certain ways they used to talk to each other.

 

It's like he doesn't want her, or want to put in effort in with her but he doesn't want to lose the option all together. But I know he doesn't want to lose me, like I said he had his chance that be rid of me if he truly wanted.

 

I wish she would have just talked to me, saw I am a real person who is invested in my H. I think I could have convinced her to leave him alone for good. I'm not just worried about him, I am worried about her. Everyone here seems to think she has some power over my husband, that if she snapped her fingers, he'd go running. I don't see that. But I do see that she isn't going to stop contacting him if she doesn't feel like it. I think he does good until she comes around.

[ladydesigner]

No the New Years text was kinda personal just to him. I can tell by certain ways they used to talk to each other.

 

It's like he doesn't want her, or want to put in effort in with her but he doesn't want to lose the option all together. But I know he doesn't want to lose me, like I said he had his chance that be rid of me if he truly wanted.

 

I wish she would have just talked to me, saw I am a real person who is invested in my H. I think I could have convinced her to leave him alone for good. I'm not just worried about him, I am worried about her. Everyone here seems to think she has some power over my husband, that if she snapped her fingers, he'd go running. I don't see that. But I do see that she isn't going to stop contacting him if she doesn't feel like it. I think he does good until she comes around.

 

Well the OW more than likely already knows you are a real person invested in their M, and I'm sure does not care. I'm not trying to be mean here. But the OW is looking after her own best interests which include the MM not the BS.

 

The reason why we think the OW still has some power is because your WS has not gone NC with her. If there is contact between an AP and WS of any kind it is considered an A in my eyes.

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is a problem as well. It is technically his house and i can't afford the mortagae and I would have to leave but all my ducks aren't lined up yet...The first time I had to leave because he said i couldn't afford the mortagage and he wasn't going to leave and pay for me to stay, so I had to leave.

 

Is this a 2nd marriage or something? Have you talked to a lawyer? Something about this doesn't sound right.

[the_artist_1970]

No the New Years text was kinda personal just to him. I can tell by certain ways they used to talk to each other.

 

It's like he doesn't want her, or want to put in effort in with her but he doesn't want to lose the option all together. But I know he doesn't want to lose me, like I said he had his chance that be rid of me if he truly wanted.

 

I wish she would have just talked to me, saw I am a real person who is invested in my H. I think I could have convinced her to leave him alone for good. I'm not just worried about him, I am worried about her. Everyone here seems to think she has some power over my husband, that if she snapped her fingers, he'd go running. I don't see that. But I do see that she isn't going to stop contacting him if she doesn't feel like it. I think he does good until she comes around.

 

The OW is not going to talk to you. It's obvious that she doesn't care that he is M and she doesn't have empathy when it interferes with what she wants. You can't rely on the OW to have any feelings for you at all. It's in the make up of OW to pretend or not care that the W exists at all (hard to understand but true). It's up to your DH to get the OW and all of the OOW out of your marriage completely. People only respect your marriage as much as you do. Your DH doesn't understand that you did not sign up for polyamorous marriage. You signed up for monogamy. You obviously believe in monogamy which is your right. Your DH doesn't have the right to put you into a polygamous marriage without your permission. The earnest lies on your DH to protect his marriage and you from a third party. If he doesn't get that, I suggest you pack your bags, move in with a friend/relative and leave him so that he can lead the single life.

 

Also, it isn't about this one woman (it usually isn't). It's about your DH being a cheater because he has proven that he cheats. Maybe you should let her have him and let her go through with his cheating. Also, don't feel bad that the OW is younger. A young woman who needs to be with a much older man has serious issues of her own. With all of these young, attractive guys out here, that is the best she can do (ha ha she doesn't know what she is missing by missing out on a guy her age). Her and your DH sounds like they will make a perfect pair. A cheater and a woman who wants to be with someone who is old enough to be her father (YUCK)!

[Baby123]

We have only been married 3 years, known each other for about 4 years.

 

I just got so focused on everyone saying she was a priority and plan A when I don't view this limited contact as such. Yes it is disrespectful to our reconciliation but it doesn't mean he will run off to her first chance. He had his chance to be done with me completely and chose not to be. When I said I wanted to come home, he let me and when I wanted the friendship to end, he told her they couldn't hang out or spend time together anymore, she took that kinda hard but he still did it and hasn't had ANY contact besides these few messages.

 

He hasn't even replied to her last message in a few days now. She is not on his mind, he used to text her constantly but now he is only replying every few days if that. At the time he told her they might be able to be friends again in a few months but here we are and they are not friends again. All he is giving her is a message every few days.

 

 

It sounds like your trying desperately to convince yourself that your what he wants. I think the reason your R sounds so concerning is all the admiration he appears to have for her and the pity he's been giving you. IMO hes reconciling because its practical and safe. He's to scared to take a chance on her incase she leaves him.

[beach]

I think he responds to her because he wants to... That, and the fact that he knows you're not going to change anything.

[Gigigirl]

I don't understand your focus on this OW. Is it because you can put a name and a face to her? Is she more real to you than his other affairs?

 

Were you this concerned about his other cheating (like when you were dating and right before your wedding date)?

 

I am very bothered that he admitted to her he has cheated on you in the past. I have NO idea why a man would admit this, it almost sounds like a guy trying to get all his flaws out on the table, a man trying to be honest about his past with a woman he cares for. But in doing that, he has totally disrespected you and has downplayed his commitment to you. Most MM will make it seem like this is their "first" time cheating but this guy wanted her to know up front he does not take you or your marriage serious. I can't think of any other reason to tell her that.

 

I am also bothered that he would discuss your financial short comings with her of all people. Yes, he never said you were a bad wife or person but he discussed your particular business with another woman! I would be furious if my H or SO told another woman my business in any capacity-whether we were separated or not. That isn't right, he is your husband!

 

No wonder this OW won't step off, she still feel welcome in your husband's life. Your hubby has let her know multiple times that communication/contact is still welcome even though now things have to be limited because he is "working on his marriage" aka you are on his trail because this is not reconcillation IMO. He has also let her know he cheated in the past already. She has no reason to believe he is truly serious about you and in a way he wanted her to believe that. She isn't taking your marriage seriously because HE/ YOUR HUSBAND has not done anything to force her to take it serious like telling her to get lost, blocking all forms of contact, including you when she contacts and shutting her back down with you by his side.

[sandylee1]

It's up to your H to tell her not to contact him again, but he left that door open for her.

 

I may have asked before, but have you two been to MC?

That might help him understand how you feel, because I think you are afraid to really tell him

 

Boundaries need to be set up.

 

Do you think he'd be okay if you had an EA and had been trying to get the OM, to sleep with you? Is that acceptable to him? Then on discover you still maintained contact even if it was minimal? Ask and see what response you get?

 

The problem here is not primarily the OW but your H. You say she doesn't have magical powers and you don't think he'll go if she clicks her fingers. If you don't believe this, then what are you worried about?

 

If he makes it CRYSTAL CLEAR he's not interested and continued contact is hurtful to his wife. Try writing him a letter expressing how you feel.

 

You could also go into his fb account and block her.:-)

[confusedwife1981]

Is this a 2nd marriage or something? Have you talked to a lawyer? Something about this doesn't sound right.

 

No this is our first marriage. He had the house before we met and I cannot afford the expenses by myself and he refused to pay for the house and an apartment for himself so we could offically seperate so I had to move out.

[confusedwife1981]

The OW is not going to talk to you. It's obvious that she doesn't care that he is M and she doesn't have empathy when it interferes with what she wants. You can't rely on the OW to have any feelings for you at all. It's in the make up of OW to pretend or not care that the W exists at all (hard to understand but true). It's up to your DH to get the OW and all of the OOW out of your marriage completely. People only respect your marriage as much as you do. Your DH doesn't understand that you did not sign up for polyamorous marriage. You signed up for monogamy. You obviously believe in monogamy which is your right. Your DH doesn't have the right to put you into a polygamous marriage without your permission. The earnest lies on your DH to protect his marriage and you from a third party. If he doesn't get that, I suggest you pack your bags, move in with a friend/relative and leave him so that he can lead the single life.

 

Also, it isn't about this one woman (it usually isn't). It's about your DH being a cheater because he has proven that he cheats. Maybe you should let her have him and let her go through with his cheating. Also, don't feel bad that the OW is younger. A young woman who needs to be with a much older man has serious issues of her own. With all of these young, attractive guys out here, that is the best she can do (ha ha she doesn't know what she is missing by missing out on a guy her age). Her and your DH sounds like they will make a perfect pair. A cheater and a woman who wants to be with someone who is old enough to be her father (YUCK)!

 

I know the OW doesn't care about me or my marriage. I just thought she would because she was so against sleeping with him while we were still married so I thought she would have a little decency to at least talk to me. She doesn't believe she should have to explain her part because we were seperated.

[confusedwife1981]

I don't understand your focus on this OW. Is it because you can put a name and a face to her? Is she more real to you than his other affairs?

 

Were you this concerned about his other cheating (like when you were dating and right before your wedding date)?

 

I am very bothered that he admitted to her he has cheated on you in the past. I have NO idea why a man would admit this, it almost sounds like a guy trying to get all his flaws out on the table, a man trying to be honest about his past with a woman he cares for. But in doing that, he has totally disrespected you and has downplayed his commitment to you. Most MM will make it seem like this is their "first" time cheating but this guy wanted her to know up front he does not take you or your marriage serious. I can't think of any other reason to tell her that.

 

I am also bothered that he would discuss your financial short comings with her of all people. Yes, he never said you were a bad wife or person but he discussed your particular business with another woman! I would be furious if my H or SO told another woman my business in any capacity-whether we were separated or not. That isn't right, he is your husband!

 

No wonder this OW won't step off, she still feel welcome in your husband's life. Your hubby has let her know multiple times that communication/contact is still welcome even though now things have to be limited because he is "working on his marriage" aka you are on his trail because this is not reconcillation IMO. He has also let her know he cheated in the past already. She has no reason to believe he is truly serious about you and in a way he wanted her to believe that. She isn't taking your marriage seriously because HE/ YOUR HUSBAND has not done anything to force her to take it serious like telling her to get lost, blocking all forms of contact, including you when she contacts and shutting her back down with you by his side.

 

I told my H when decided to work on the marriage that I wanted to talk with her, all of us together, to confirm it was just a friendship and that it was over. He told me no straight away, told me to leave her out of this and went to facebook to try and hide her from me. He had no idea I had already figured out who she was a few months prior.

 

Yes I do not understand why he would tell her that he had cheated on me and or discuss my financial problems with her. I didn't really understand what he was trying to achieve with that.

 

I guess it is harder for me this time but I am able to see her, see that she's real. I never really figured out my H's other affairs because according to him they were ONS type of deals. But it was different with her, she was easy to find because he wasn't hiding her. He refuses to be my friend on facebook but he was friends with her, tagging her in everything, always liking her pics and posts.

[confusedwife1981]

It's up to your H to tell her not to contact him again, but he left that door open for her.

 

I may have asked before, but have you two been to MC?

That might help him understand how you feel, because I think you are afraid to really tell him

 

Boundaries need to be set up.

 

Do you think he'd be okay if you had an EA and had been trying to get the OM, to sleep with you? Is that acceptable to him? Then on discover you still maintained contact even if it was minimal? Ask and see what response you get?

 

The problem here is not primarily the OW but your H. You say she doesn't have magical powers and you don't think he'll go if she clicks her fingers. If you don't believe this, then what are you worried about?

 

If he makes it CRYSTAL CLEAR he's not interested and continued contact is hurtful to his wife. Try writing him a letter expressing how you feel.

 

You could also go into his fb account and block her.:-)

 

No we have not been to MC, he seemed like he wanted to go but right now money is tight and it is getting pushed back.

 

He knows exactly how I feel about her and the situation. I am not afraid to tell him how I feel, I am worried about being lied to again and not having a means to verify. If I tell him I know about the recent contact, no doubt he will figure out I have been looking and will change the passwords. Also anything that happened between them or was said between them during our separation, he refuses to talk about.

 

The reason I say he won't go running back to her when she clicks her fingers is because he "dumped" her in a way. Like I said he could have chosen her but he didn't. And for the most part he has stuck to his word about not dealing with her anymore. But I am worried that he stays in our marriage out of obligation or pity. I am confused because I feel like if he wanted her that bad, he wouldn't stay with me out of obligation, but then again with everything he said to her and the fact they still contact each other makes me feel like he doesn't want to let her go.

 

I have thought about going in and blocking her, or sending a nasty message pretending to be him but the way she operates she would figure it wasn't him and tell on me.

 

Update: He messaged her back a few days ago but now she is ignoring him.

[ArtsAndCrafts]

You can leave if you want to. Grab a wad of household money & go see a lawyer. If your income disparity is that great, you will probably get awarded spousal support for a decent period. You are entitled to marital assets. You CAN leave if you need to.

 

And you should. He's a habitual cheater & liar. He gave you an STD. Stop making excuses and leave his sorry butt.

[the_artist_1970]

No we have not been to MC, he seemed like he wanted to go but right now money is tight and it is getting pushed back.

 

He knows exactly how I feel about her and the situation. I am not afraid to tell him how I feel, I am worried about being lied to again and not having a means to verify. If I tell him I know about the recent contact, no doubt he will figure out I have been looking and will change the passwords. Also anything that happened between them or was said between them during our separation, he refuses to talk about.

 

The reason I say he won't go running back to her when she clicks her fingers is because he "dumped" her in a way. Like I said he could have chosen her but he didn't. And for the most part he has stuck to his word about not dealing with her anymore. But I am worried that he stays in our marriage out of obligation or pity. I am confused because I feel like if he wanted her that bad, he wouldn't stay with me out of obligation, but then again with everything he said to her and the fact they still contact each other makes me feel like he doesn't want to let her go.

 

I have thought about going in and blocking her, or sending a nasty message pretending to be him but the way she operates she would figure it wasn't him and tell on me.

 

Update: He messaged her back a few days ago but now she is ignoring him.

 

What???? Tell on you to YOUR husband??? Please take back your power. And your DH not friending you on FB but is friends with her??? That is too disrepectful.

[confusedwife1981]

What???? Tell on you to YOUR husband??? Please take back your power. And your DH not friending you on FB but is friends with her??? That is too disrepectful.

 

Well that is what she has done in the past. I tried to reach out to her multiple times and each time she told my H. He would tell me to leave her alone. We were friends on FB while dating then shortly after he unfriended me. He had always been her friend on there prior to me because he knew before. He deleted her in Oct after I said I wanted to find her and talk to her in attempt to hide her.

[purplesorrow]

Well that is what she has done in the past. I tried to reach out to her multiple times and each time she told my H. He would tell me to leave her alone. We were friends on FB while dating then shortly after he unfriended me. He had always been her friend on there prior to me because he knew before. He deleted her in Oct after I said I wanted to find her and talk to her in attempt to hide her.

 

The only reason to unfriend is because he has something to hide. Facebook isn't the only place he 'unfriended' you! He is protecting her from his own wife. You should be the one he is protecting. Gently, what are you getting out of the relationship? Have you reached a point where it hurts more to stay than to leave?

[bathtub-row]

T

I know the OW doesn't care about me or my marriage. I just thought she would because she was so against sleeping with him while we were still married so I thought she would have a little decency to at least talk to me. She doesn't believe she should have to explain her part because we were seperated.

 

She kind of has a point. The only thing is, if he ended things with her, then she should leave him alone. It's probably not so much that she doesn't think you're real or uncommitted to your marriage, it may be the impression your husband gave her about his feelings toward your marriage. It's hard to see but, the truth is, you don't need to focus on her. It's your husband who needs to answer for what he has done and what he's doing.

 

This is the biggest problem when trying to reconcile while someone else is in the picture. It's up to you whether this is worth it, if you can accept what he's doing or if you plan to put rules in place or not.

 

The current situation isn't working because you have too many conflicting thoughts in your head. As I said before, when we're confused, it's usually because what we see and what we hear are not matching up.

 

Your situation kind of reminds me of a bad time during my management career. I had employees who liked to stir the pot, gossiped, etc. But they did their jobs so I figured I shouldn't fire them. What I realized is that their attitudes and behavior were just as important as the way they did their jobs. Nowadays, I will fire someone for bad behavior as much as I'd fire them for doing a bad job. How that correlates with your situation is that you're overlooking your husband's behavior because you think it's minimal. But it has you doing a real mental dance.

 

Even though I'm a former OW, I was also cheated on once. I filed for divorce right away but we later got back together. Things were going ok between us but I wasn't sure I could get past the whole thing. He was verbally abusive and had an abusive personality so it was doomed anyway. While we were back together trying to work things out, though, he called me one day while I was having lunch with my sister. During the conversation, he casually mentioned that he was at a bar in the vicinity of where the OW lived. My sister said that she saw my face turn white and my whole demeanor changed. There was no reason for him to be there and it was completely out of his way.

 

When I got home, I told him that I was leaving him. He was completely shocked that I'd leave him over something so minor but, as far as I was concerned, he proved to me right then that he was willing to risk hurting me again, that he had no respect for our marriage, and he was throwing the affair in my face. In my opinion, that's exactly what your husband is doing and that's why you're so upset about it.

Edited January 31, 2015 by bathtub-row

[sandylee1]

Confusedwife

 

I feel so sorry for you because you seem financially stuck in this marriage. Does you H see it as just HIS money or do you have access to marital funds?

 

You need a relationship where you are respected and I don't think this will happen with your H. Thinking about the future, have you thought about going back to school so you can get yourself a career and be financially independent?

 

Being dependant can mean you take an awful lot of crap. I knew a coworker who called his wife a parasite because didn't make any money. This was many years ago, but I vowed no man would be able to say that to me. You'll feel so much better.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I feel bad for you, as this happened to me. He was caught a few times still contacting her. He just ended up getting a secret month to month phone. Which I caught him on at 2-3 in the morning.

[the_artist_1970]

Well that is what she has done in the past. I tried to reach out to her multiple times and each time she told my H. He would tell me to leave her alone. We were friends on FB while dating then shortly after he unfriended me. He had always been her friend on there prior to me because he knew before. He deleted her in Oct after I said I wanted to find her and talk to her in attempt to hide her.

 

Your husband doesn't deserve you. If you continue to take this sort of abuse from him your self esteem will be destroyed. No man is that good to put up with that kind of treatment.