Husband broke NC again!!!

[veggirl]

Well that is what she has done in the past. I tried to reach out to her multiple times and each time she told my H. He would tell me to leave her alone. We were friends on FB while dating then shortly after he unfriended me. He had always been her friend on there prior to me because he knew before. He deleted her in Oct after I said I wanted to find her and talk to her in attempt to hide her.

 

Wow. Your husband wont even be FB friends w/ you.

 

You do realize that is because he was hiding you from all the women he was pursuing right?

 

is he your first relationship? Have you ever been in a healthy relationship?

[coolheadal]

I have posted here before in the past, my thread is titled "OW contacting my husband, why won't he tell her go away" and also "my husband's female friend". I wasn't able to get back into my old account. Update on my story. I have continued snooping on my H even though I was warned against it here. My last thread was about OW telling my husband happy new year and he responded back but then she never replied.

 

Well like a week later, she messages him again, just asking how he was, small talk and he engaged in it as well, asked her how she was. She starts talking about moving away etc..and he doesn't reply. He just stops the convo. I think to myself "good, maybe he really isn't interested in her anymore, why would he stop talking to her". Well 10 days later my H REACHES OUT to her, picking up the convo where they left off 10 DAYS ago. I do not understand that. Why try to continue a convo that ended 10 days ago, she hasn't attemtped to reach out to him in the time frame but he reached out to her first.

 

He hasn't reached out in awhile, he only responds if she contacts him first but now he is contacting her about a stupid convo that ended 10 days. ]She replied to his messages (by the way, these a very generic convo's, nothing too too personal), then the convo stops again. A couples days later, he reaches out to her again, restarting the same convo about her moving away. I am seriously considering divorce but I want some opinons on what he and this girl are doing. This type of communication is confusing me. It's like they won't let go fully...idk I don't H is cheating anymore.

 

Why oh, why do you put of with this nonsense! You know what to do and you should act on it. You tell him what you want and you tell him now! Stop wasting all this time trying to figure out what's going on. You will never know the truth because your no her and you not your husband. They're doing whatever they both pleases.

 

So you found, and now either leave or get him out of the house. This is no way to live daily. Each day you waste your life on him knowing that you and him are not on the "SAME PAGE" anymore.

 

This is how your life is now: HER + HIM + YOU! Is this how your going to live for the rest of your years. I hope the answer NOPE!

[HelenaHandbasket]

Wow. Your husband wont even be FB friends w/ you.

 

You do realize that is because he was hiding you from all the women he was pursuing right?

 

is he your first relationship? Have you ever been in a healthy relationship?

 

I didn't even know mine had a profile on there until I searched. When I kept asking him why he wasn't accepting my friend request, his answer was "I forgot my password". Yet, he immediately hid everything on his timeline that was still public. I made a copy of all his friends. This is how I found out about so many of the other women except the "one" he said was the only one. While venturing to the other women friends Facebook profiles, I saw so much information they made publicly including dates and times they were with him, where they were.

[confusedwife1981]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support.

 

I am getting myself together financially and considering going back to school. This and my child are my first priorities right now.

 

I have decided to stay until I have everything I need together especially since my child was traumatized with the first moving out

 

I am still watching my H's contact with the OW and they are still chatting here and there but it doesn't seem to be growing into anything. I mean it's been like a month of meaningless convo, I think if something was going to happen between them it would have already started.

 

Maybe it will fade out but I still have my plan B.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support.

 

I am getting myself together financially and considering going back to school. This and my child are my first priorities right now.

 

I have decided to stay until I have everything I need together especially since my child was traumatized with the first moving out

 

I am still watching my H's contact with the OW and they are still chatting here and there but it doesn't seem to be growing into anything. I mean it's been like a month of meaningless convo, I think if something was going to happen between them it would have already started.

 

Maybe it will fade out but I still have my plan B.

 

This should be your plan a. It's a great plan.

[confusedwife1981]

This should be your plan a. It's a great plan.

 

Well getting my finances together is my plan A, because it is my priorty with my child. What i meant it that I am staying in the meantime and keeping an eye on things but I still have my plan in the works. But he hasn't been being bad and he isn't putting much effort into talking to her so I hope it leads no where...but I still have my plan.

[sandylee1]

Glad to see you have a plan. Just keep telling yourself you can do better than him and you deserve better. Show your daughter what a healthy relationship looks like, so she never ends up in this situation.

 

 

Please keep posting to let us know you are okay. I was thinking about you the other day.

[Clay]

I think its a great plan as well.

 

My kids were what helped me keep things together.

 

Clay

[MuddyRock]

I think a better plan wow be to calmly tell him that you will be leaving if this contact continues. If there is any chance you want to reconcile you need to be honest as well.

If you are in America you would get spousal support and half the value of the home. He would have to buy you out even though he had it before you married, unless of prenup.

 

. I don't think you understand that a divorce doesn't mean you are high and dry. He may be ordered to pay rent plus half the mortgage. Just because he refused before doesn't mean that's the way it is once it goes to court.

[confusedwife1981]

Glad to see you have a plan. Just keep telling yourself you can do better than him and you deserve better. Show your daughter what a healthy relationship looks like, so she never ends up in this situation.

 

 

Please keep posting to let us know you are okay. I was thinking about you the other day.

 

Thank you for this and I will.

[confusedwife1981]

I think a better plan wow be to calmly tell him that you will be leaving if this contact continues. If there is any chance you want to reconcile you need to be honest as well.

If you are in America you would get spousal support and half the value of the home. He would have to buy you out even though he had it before you married, unless of prenup.

 

. I don't think you understand that a divorce doesn't mean you are high and dry. He may be ordered to pay rent plus half the mortgage. Just because he refused before doesn't mean that's the way it is once it goes to court.

 

Yes that is my next step. But it seems the contact is going nowhere and I would be happier if he fought her off without me pressuring him, so I know that it what he really wanted. Judging by how intense he seemed during their friendship and how cold he is acting toward her now seems like it is going nowhere, if it was I think something would have happened already.

 

I know I won't be high and dry, I am going to get my plan together.

[beach]

It seems irrelevant that it's innocent now - it's STILL an ego feed for him - from her.

 

And all it takes is one text from her saying let's meet.

 

And by texting he's willing to risk you, your trust and your relationship.

 

So the text represents his willingness to risk losing you.

 

Saying nothing means you think it's ok.

[katielee]

Yes that is my next step. But it seems the contact is going nowhere and I would be happier if he fought her off without me pressuring him, so I know that it what he really wanted. Judging by how intense he seemed during their friendship and how cold he is acting toward her now seems like it is going nowhere, if it was I think something would have happened already.

 

I know I won't be high and dry, I am going to get my plan together.

 

how are you ok with him lying to you about contact though? Even if they never get together, he's hasn't told you about contact. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

[confusedwife1981]

It seems irrelevant that it's innocent now - it's STILL an ego feed for him - from her.

 

And all it takes is one text from her saying let's meet.

 

And by texting he's willing to risk you, your trust and your relationship.

 

So the text represents his willingness to risk losing you.

 

Saying nothing means you think it's ok.

 

I'm not saying I think it's ok. To be honest I think she would have suggested meeting up by now, and I don't think he's dumb enough to get caught up with her again...they just keep having meaningless convo that leads nowhere.

[confusedwife1981]

how are you ok with him lying to you about contact though? Even if they never get together, he's hasn't told you about contact. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

He doesn't know what all I have seen yet. Right now the contact is very limited and leading no where, I don't think he even really likes her anymore, just being polite. I'm just keeping quiet until I have my pan together.

[trolloperative]

Certainly don't tell him you have his FB password and been spying. Keep monitoring and yes become financially independent. At least one good thing will come of the marriage.

[confusedwife1981]

Hi everyone. So things between my H and I have actually been doing better, maybe because I have been focusing more on myself and haven't really had time to check up on him.

So I decided to snoop again and I see that he still has very little contact with the OW, but lately he has been seeking her out, like contacting her first. She wished him a happy Valentine's Day. He told her it was just ok. And then he asks her if she did anything...she didn't respond. Why would he ask her that? She didn't ask him what he did. I found the question to be very bold and direct. Like what else do people really do on Valentine's Day? Please I would like some thoughts on why he asked it, I don't think it was an innocent question... And please no lectures that I shouldn't be snooping, that I shouldn't worry what he is doing and that I just need to divorce him...I know all this already. Please I would just like some insight into that question. Thank you guys

[minimariah]

sweetie, let it go.

 

either confront him and talk to him about it OR divorce him.

he clearly isn't over the OW.

[Minnie09]

For the umpteenth time: he is still genuinely interested in what she's been up to. He doesn't respect you enough to let her go. He does not care whether or not you snoop. Apparently, he is willing to risk everything, including his marriage with you, in order to stay in touch with this other woman.The fact that he asked her what she did on Valentine's Day means that he is fishing. Is there anybody else in her life? Is there anybody else in her life who's important to her? Is she romantically involved? Does she like the guy? Does she still like your husband? The list goes on and on and on.......whatever it is it is not good for your M, because apparently his priorities are elsewhere. There is nothing else you need to know. Confrontation. Talk to him. Or if you don't want that, file for divorce. I know you don't want to hear that but that's the only thing I can tell you. Nothing else makes sense in this situation anymore. The more you drag it out the more he will lose respect for you, if this is even possible. In my opinion, he doesn't have much respect left in the first place. Summary: at this point in his life, she takes priority over you. The fact that you don't do anything about it means that he doesn't have to change anything about the situation, either.

[HurtHusband]

Personally, I would find it very hard to accept if my W was communicating with her affair partner. Yes I know you said you can't divorce. You also can't police him 24 hrs a day. But it just proves that he can't stop.

My wife is in touch with an old flame, I read her emails. She does'nt know I know her ion for her phone. She sent him a letter and valentine's day chocolates. He is overseas and married and it's unlikely she will see him soon ( although he could come over here this year ) I have kids and can't divorce her yet.

 

I have days where it gets me down, and other days I don't think so much about it. I uploaded photos of all the emails to a private photo hosting site. I thought his wife may be interested to know at some stage.

 

You can't beat yourself up about this, it is hurtful behavior. But either set a timeline for divorce and than stop caring about it.. Or if your going to stay married than find some friends yourself. Living with doubt is not comfortable.

Try to take care of yourself, look after yourself.

[TrustedthenBusted]

. Please I would just like some insight into that question. Thank you guys

 

Sorry. But the question really doesn't matter. ANything any of us would say about it is pure speculation, based on minimal info.

 

What DOES matter ( obviously) is that if you said there is to be no contact, there is to be no contact - and this is contact.

 

I told my wife if I ever see her send that asswipe so much as a text of a smiley face, I'm gone. And I meant it. At some point you have to choose wether you have zero tolerance, or not.

 

If you choose not....well.... then you can expect a lifetime of unanswered questions like this one.

 

Very sorry though..I know you are in a tough spot.

[jm2013]

Sorry. But the question really doesn't matter. ANything any of us would say about it is pure speculation, based on minimal info.

 

What DOES matter ( obviously) is that if you said there is to be no contact, there is to be no contact - and this is contact.

 

I told my wife if I ever see her send that asswipe so much as a text of a smiley face, I'm gone. And I meant it. At some point you have to choose wether you have zero tolerance, or not.

 

If you choose not....well.... then you can expect a lifetime of unanswered questions like this one.

 

Very sorry though..I know you are in a tough spot.

 

Did your wife break no contact in the beginning or was she completely done upon discovery?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Did your wife break no contact in the beginning or was she completely done upon discovery?

 

 

I preface this with by admitting that you never REALLY know what the hell these people are doing. But here is a summary:

 

D-Day - I call him, and we discuss the various choke holds I will be putting him in soon. I tell him any additional contact will result in his untimely death. ( This lead to cops being sent to my home, and a very ugly evening ) Then later that night I tell her that I am leaving her, and to start packing. ( Irrational, I know. But that night I just wanted them both to get NOTHING )

 

Next morning, after her begging not to be left, WW and I call him again, where SHE tells him NC, and I reiterate that I've perfected the armbar, and will have no problem ripping his stubby little arm off and mailing it to his mother.

 

The following day, she returns to work ( where he works ) and I secretly monitor her IMs from home. She sends " I'm sorry about all this" He writes back. " I hope you are ok " She writes back " I am. Bye." And then she blocked him in their corporate IM system.

 

This was a clear breach of the NC we had JUST agreed on, but it was the day after D-Day, and to be honest, so much was still up in the air.

 

She told me there was no contact between them again, for maybe a year, when she had to deal with him via email as he requested a cross country transfer ( she works in HR ) she handed the assignment off to one of her minions, and only had minimal responses to him, all professional, and written as if they didn't know eachother.

 

It was a thought thing to get through, but we made it. At this point, there hasn't been any contact in years, professional or otherwise as they've both moved on to different companies, and different states.

 

For me, it really boils down to the point where we said " OK, we're deciding to stay together, and THIS is what I require in order to commit to that"

[flowergirl14]

My H was still looking up the OW on fb recently. She remarried!(My H is a dumb *ss. She moved on he didn't what?) Anyway there was no contact obviously but more importantly. Why do I want to be with someone who isnt thinking about me who isnt investing in ME. So what if your husband or mine is still here in the marriage. They arent in mind or spirit. It is crushing. Remember its not what he tells you. Its what he shows you. By him contacting the ow he is showing you his true feelings. Now what are you going to do about it. Start making plans for you. I suspect that if the ow became available again they would jump. Everyone stays for different reasons. Just work towards the point where you want the best for yourself.

[No Limit]

Respect. His Valentine's Day being "just okay" would have made me go to him and slap him with a bouquet of roses until the last petal fell off. And then get a divorce lawyer.