Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

[flowergirl14]

I've seen a lot of recent threads on here lately about why a BS would stay with a cheater. The reality is many people do stay in the marriage for one reason or another. However, what are the long term effects of staying. I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out. Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse? Do you wish you would have divorced? Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

[dichotomy]

No

No

It has its moments.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm all in to see the answers on this question.

 

But how many happy BS's will be here after that many years?

[toolforgrowth]

I'm very curious to read the responses from BS's who chose R. I dumped my xWW as fast as I could and never once regretted that decision (best decision I've ever made, tbh), so it'll be interesting to hear from people on the other side of the fence.

[jm2013]

I'm very curious to read the responses from BS's who chose R. I dumped my xWW as fast as I could and never once regretted that decision (best decision I've ever made, tbh), so it'll be interesting to hear from people on the other side of the fence.

 

Do you have kids with your ww?

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm very curious to read the responses from BS's who chose R. I dumped my xWW as fast as I could and never once regretted that decision (best decision I've ever made, tbh), so it'll be interesting to hear from people on the other side of the fence.

 

How long did it take to feel whole again?

[autumnnight]

But how many happy BS's will be here after that many years?

 

This is a good question and one I think could be asked of WS's as well. I have a theory that once a couple or person has truly recovered and moved forward, we probably don't hear about it because, since they are no longer defining any part of their life by the A, they no longer have to go to forums to post about it.

[katielee]

I think hubby and I would be doing very well if it were not for the triggering I have. 3 years out.

[ladydesigner]

I am one who wished they had divorced. I am currently in Limbo. I experienced False R after thinking we were getting past the A and OW blah blah blah, but nope I ended up finding out the A never ended. 2 years of R down the drain here!

[dichotomy]

Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

 

 

Forgetting affairs and maybe the associated trust issue - how many long term normal married folks do you think would describe their marriage as truly loving and happy?

 

A Google search of "how many marriages are happy" or variations of such questions..... yielded a lot of interesting reading....including the designation "semi happy" and how common it is for many average married folks to have considered divorce at one (or many) points in their marriage.

 

I am not saying truly happy marriages are rare - just that maybe marriage is sometimes more than being happy.

Edited January 20, 2015 by dichotomy

[katielee]

dichotomy makes a good point. I remember my mom telling me that people have bad years, even decades of their marriages being bad. Jeez.

[NotCamelot]

I think hubby and I would be doing very well if it were not for the triggering I have. 3 years out.

 

 

 

Almost 3 years for us too. And it is getting better all the time. I don't regret staying married.

 

 

Triggering at times is a problem for me. Though it is a lot less often.

 

 

But I fully expect that we will still be together for the rest of our lives. We renewed our vows last year. And, I can see a huge difference in her.

 

 

So, the OPs question was to people 5, 10, 20 years after D-day --- I will be back here in 20 years ( hopefully still alive ) to still say I am glad that we stayed together.

[toolforgrowth]

Do you have kids with your ww?

 

Yes, one daughter. She was 4 at the time, and is now 7.

[toolforgrowth]

How long did it take to feel whole again?

 

Once I realized that she wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be with, when I realized that there was literally nothing special about her. She's a user; she uses people for her own benefit and gives nothing back in return.

 

I started to feel a lot better when I lived my life for me. I did what wanted, when I wanted. I also got REALLY close to my daughter, she was my rock throughout the whole ordeal. I can't imagine my life without her.

 

I did things that made me whole. I developed really good friendships with awesome people; I got a big promotion at work; I became the best daddy I could possibly be; and I had fun with some pretty ladies. Life was better with my xWW gone, it just took me a little time to realize it. I actually started to look forward to life without her, to being free.

 

But I'm an optimistic guy by nature...at least when it comes to me. I can survive anything and get back up swinging.

Edited January 20, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[drifter777]

I've seen a lot of recent threads on here lately about why a BS would stay with a cheater. The reality is many people do stay in the marriage for one reason or another. However, what are the long term effects of staying. I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out. Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse?

Yes, I regret it every day.

Do you wish you would have divorced?

Yes, I wish I would have divorced. Right after d-day I should have walked away and never looked back. I planned on walking away when our youngest graduated high school but complications delayed that by a few years. Then, as I was moving firmly toward leaving, we became parents again to our grandson.

Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

As others have said, the definition of "happy" marriage is pretty much relative to every one of us. As far as trusting - I don't think the BS will ever trust like they did before the cheating so something is lost forever there. Loving? Also pretty hard to define but I think its possible for a WS & BS to find love for each other again.

[bigman1]

In my own informal survey of people that I personally know who were the betrayed, EVERY SINGLE ONE THAT DIVORCED is happy that they divorced. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

 

One woman told me that the first thing she had to do was figure out who she was as an individual again. She's still single and "loving every minute of it". A relative whose marriage I watched fall apart and was with when he found out his wife cheated has remarried, had more kids and is stupidly happy. Another male relative who was younger and had 2 kids is "loving life" and has his kids. A friend who had young kids divorced his wife and had more kids with his new wife and is "happy as hell". I have more, but in case they are or ever come to this site, I don't want to out myself to them.

 

The only miserable ones that I know are the ones that stayed. Oh, I know of one guy who refused to let his wife confess and rugswept (I learned from her friend that she had cheated); he seemed happy, but he never had a Dday. His parents also stayed together despite infidelity. There could be more, but EVERYONE that I know who left IS happy. No regrets, they say except for holding on too long. Damn, I personally know a lot of people who have been through this crap.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for.

[HereNorThere]

This place is great because there are posters that experienced infidelity years ago and you can see where they are at now.

 

It seems the majority of them stay tormented the rest of their lives. Some are willing to admit it, but most have to wake up and convince themselves of their decision every day. If you are into sharing and not jealous, the sex part usually fades within 5 years or so, but the trust never really comes back. I'm only speaking majorities here. Of course, there is the occasional couple that comes away unscathed, but I really haven't ever seen one.

[autumnnight]

This place is great because there are posters that experienced infidelity years ago and you can see where they are at now.

 

It seems the majority of them stay tormented the rest of their lives. Some are willing to admit it, but most have to wake up and convince themselves of their decision every day. If you are into sharing and not jealous, the sex part usually fades within 5 years or so, but the trust never really comes back. I'm only speaking majorities here. Of course, there is the occasional couple that comes away unscathed, but I really haven't ever seen one.

 

Again, I think you may not see it because the people who recoiver, move on, and no longer need to hang onto the A aren't still hashing it out online years later.

[road]

I regret for being trickle truthed 30+ years.

[HereNorThere]

Again, I think you may not see it because the people who recoiver, move on, and no longer need to hang onto the A aren't still hashing it out online years later.

 

I agree about loveshack, but I'm also talking about real life experiences.

 

See, you can't ever "uncheat" so when you stay with a cheater, you're married to a cheater. Just that realization alone is always going to be unnerving.

 

A 50 year old man who killed someone when he was 18 is still a murderer, even if he hasn't killed since. If someone abuses your child, you wouldn't allow that person to be around your child again because you know what they are capable of. Some things just simply can't be undone.

[katielee]

I personally know several happily recovered couples...

[Bootsie]

I've seen a lot of recent threads on here lately about why a BS would stay with a cheater. The reality is many people do stay in the marriage for one reason or another. However, what are the long term effects of staying. I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out. Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse? Do you wish you would have divorced? Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

 

 

Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse? No

 

 

Do you wish you would have divorced? No

 

 

Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage? Yes, most of the time.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I know this is about people who stayed, and though I'm now divorced, I stayed...for a long time. I discovered the cheating in the first year of our marriage. I had just given birth to twins. He continued to habitually cheat throughout the marriage. I stayed 10 long, painful years...

 

In the beginning, discovering the cheat is one of the most painful things you can experience. The hurt and the deep pain inside. Then by years 5-7, it was rage. We would have HUGE blowups and he would deny, deny, deny. The only times he would confess was when we talked about it non-chalantly. I would speak as if I knew for sure and it didn't bother me, and he would casually admit to his indiscretions as if it was all kinda funny. He never believed I would leave.

 

By years 8-10, I had become numb inside. I didn't care what he was doing. I had 4 children to care for, a full time job, and I felt better when he wasn't home. I encouraged his going out with friends. He would come home at 7am from a night out and I would simply ask if he had fun. I didn't even like him as a person anymore and dreaded the sex I felt I had to give every few months. I wished he would find a steady gf, instead of the one night stands he loved to entertain, just so he would leave me be to live my life and raise the kids. By the time I left, I felt NOTHING for him anymore. His apologies, begging and pleading fell on def ears. I was done.

 

The worst part in all this is that even though I left, even though I have a wonderful man in my life and I'm truly happy, the years left a deep scar within me. I'm not the same person anymore. You could almost say my heart is cold from enduring the years of pain. I love my guy now with every bit of my being, but I know that if things ended tomorrow, there would be very little tears and I would move on with my life. I never shed a single tear when I left my marriage of 10 years. All I felt was joy. Because after all those years, I managed to find myself and become truly happy with myself. But at the same time, I closed off myself and my emotions from other people. I can cut ties with people and never look back. I am almost what you can call emotionally detached. My guy sees it all the time, and doesn't understand. Sometimes he thinks I'm mad at him about something. I'm not. It's just who I've become.

 

But this is the price I paid for trying to honor the vows I took and keep my family together. In the end, it wasn't worth it.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Smthn_Like_Olivia

[Mal78]

I've seen a lot of recent threads on here lately about why a BS would stay with a cheater. The reality is many people do stay in the marriage for one reason or another. However, what are the long term effects of staying. I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out. Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse? Do you wish you would have divorced? Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

 

I've expressed this before on other threads.... I wish I never knew. It's been 18 years and I still have my moments of doubting the authenticity of my marriage based on the darkest moment in my life. I know I trust my H. I know he would not betray me in the same way however I have equated so many other things he has done or said back to his choice to betray me in the most ultimate way.

 

I wish I could divorce him however I'm in love with him. On that very note I question and have always questioned if he is in love with me. No doubt he loves me but this doesn't compete with the gut wrenching feeling he has never been in love with me and I have denied him the opportunity to be in love. Because of me he will never truly know what that feels life. I'm selfish in that I won't D him.

 

We have talked in length many times about if I died I want him to find love and fall in love in a real genuine way. He says all the right ie. Things I might want to hear such as, "I will not find love again"

 

I also, selfishly want to see what that looks like. I love him so much that I would love to see this. I know it would be beautiful and this women would get the best parts of him x100. He would be so happy it would be so amazing to witness.

 

Back story: I got pregnant in highschool. He was sleeping with several girls (his infidelity was after we were married) and he eventually was backed into a corner and we became a family. Pressure from both families to "do the right thing" so he did. I, however loved him and wanted it. I got what I wanted. He didn't. He eventually had to "learn" to love me.

 

Something I live with and feel guilty about every day of my life.

[flowergirl14]

I am 1 1/2 years out and still have trust issues, think about divorce quite a bit. The biggest problem for me is that my wh treated the kids, me and even my mom like sh*t during the affair. I didn't know he was having an A. I truly believe I would have left. I thought about divorce a lot during that time. By the time I discovered the A it was over and he was starting to come out of the affair "fog." I thought the man was depressed maybe a midlife crisis. I would pray about it. I even wasted my birthday wishes hoping that things would get better. Had i known that he was cheating I would have ended the abuse and mistreatment to us all. Regardless of why he was such a jerk I should not have tolerated that garbage. To think that his "depression" was because he missed his affair partner. WTF! Going forward I will not allow that behavior towards us again. I wonder if I'll ever get past that. Even now when he makes statements about the lack of ethics of politicians or criminals I'm like and this is coming from the mouth of a cheater. A person who has many of the same traits as a criminal. As someone else said, if you chose to stay, your staying knowing your partner is a cheater. You just don't forget or at least I haven't yet.