Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

[Glarner]

Yes selfish...I concur...it was what I felt and did for thirty years...and it was not enough. I was genuinely sorry for my transgressions...but remorse is much deeper...much more raw. Remorse is taking responsibility for causing the pain your spouse feels...gut wrenching sorrow tha you know and accept that responsibility.

 

I never understood why John could not just get over it...why he continued to punish me year after year. Why couldn't he just move on? Why? Fear...pure fear...how could he ever trust me again to not hurt him if I did not know how he felt? When I finally understood it...everything fell into place.

 

As the bs..you are looking for reassurance that you can live with the WS and not be scared all the time if the "next" time.

 

Until John KNEW that I truly understood how he hurt....he feared I might hurt him again.

 

I hear that in the voices here...I hear they don't have that reassurance...they don't have the remorse from their spouse to say I forgive you for what you have done to me. Without remorse forgiveness cannot come...without forgiveness..healing cannot come either.

 

I am no expert...I can only tell you what I did wrong...and I did not give John remorse...I am sorry is a start...but what are you sorry for? I was sorry I committed adultery...I was sorry I made a bad choice....I was sorry I hurt John...but now I understand I hurt him...I destroyed his trust...I took away his comfort...I took away the life we had...

 

And I can never take it away or give him back what I destroyed. But I can help him heal and I can make him comfortable and I can give him reassurance.

 

Does this make sense?

 

You know something came to me today..

 

When I came to understand remorse...it was like this...

 

It hit me....oh my god...what have I done to you! Not what have I done to me..not what have I done to this marriage...it was oh my god....what have I done to you John!

That's when I knew that after thirty years it was what he needed to know...that I truly understood what I did to him.

 

Wow. This post is truly stunning Mrs. Adams. This revelation is exactly what happened to my WW finally - 20 years after her affair. Why, oh why did it take so long? I don't understand. But I am happy to move forward. Thank you for describing it so well.

[Mrs. John Adams]

hey..only 20 years? It took me 30...some of us are slow learners.

 

As long as we get there...right?

[Confused48]

I think something to note here is that both confused and meremeade (who are living at limbo) say their spouse is remorseful to a point but what they describe is not remorse. At least not the type of remorse needed to rebuild a healthy relationship.

 

There are people who genuinly regret the pain they caused their spouse. But it is more of a "I'm sorry I hurt you/if I hurt you". Then there are people who genuinly regret the affair itself AND the pain it causes. They are sorry they cheated and if they could do it over they would not enter into the affair in the first place.

 

 

I'm getting both of these sentiments. I feel a lot of the "sorry I hurt you" WS really does not like to hurt others, anyone, much less those close to WS. So WS genuinely feels bad about the pain caused, I'm sure. But then there is the blame shifting and justification,,, ugh.

 

I'm also more than certain WS wishes the A never happened. Not just to spare me pain but even more for WS's own self. The A resulted in a lot of pain, humiliation, loss of self respect, etc. for WS. So it's not so comforting to me that WS wishes the A never happened bc it is mostly bc it was so tragic for WS.

 

It isn't even the whipping that WS get hear about "sorry they were caught because otherwise they'd still have their cake". Though that is true for some it often is that they are sorry for the pain they caused. But still do not truly regret the affair.

 

I do wonder about this. If WS had not been caught, WS would take it to the grave, I know. So then there would be no pain, humiliation ..... Wait ....now that I write this I realize that there still would be pain, humiliation loss of self respected, etc. maybe just not to the same degree.

 

Because no one is a mind reader And they don't know what is in their ws head I am far more in favour of divorce than reconciliation. Staying in a marriage waiting for someone to change, no matter the situation, isn't healthy for anyone. But I do understand people give second chances. And I am thankful I got one. But I don't think it is a deserved gift. And I don't think any ws should act like it is. And i don't think any bs should feel be obligated to give one.

 

So that is why I ask "why do you stay". What is the true reason for staying. Specially when the love is severely damaged and the respect gone. Sometims answering that question, really answering, can clear a lot of cobwebs.

 

I am thinking it is hopeless. That I need to leave. I'm moving in that direction. Laying the ground work. I've told WS I intend to leave. I'm sure WS thinks I won't. With good reason. I'm still very subject to the charms of WS. It helps that I keep coming here to be reminded of the truth of my situation. It gives me strength to keep moving towards ending it with WS. I think I will get there in due time.

 

However then I see stories of WS that did not "get it" for 20 and 30 years. It makes me wonder if maybe I should give my WS a bit more time. WS is so good for me in some ways. And we do have young children.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Only you can answer that..but I would like to ask you some questions..you don't need to answer them out loud.

 

Did you have a great marriage before the affair?

Did you love and adore each other?

Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to heal each other?

Are you happy..except for the triggers?

Has your spouse given you complete transparency?

Has your spouse satisfied all of your questions about the affair?

 

I think these questions at least will give you some idea if the reconciliation is moving in the right direction.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

As the bs..you are looking for reassurance that you can live with the WS and not be scared all the time of the "next" time.

 

Until John KNEW that I truly understood how he hurt....he feared I might hurt him again.

 

 

This part stuck out for me. I used to live in fear that someday she might hurt me again, but I reached a point where I accepted that she may CHEAT on me again, but I don't think she could ever hurt me the same way again.

 

I'm not sure what this means. Not sure if it means I don't love her as much? Not sure if it means I will never make myself as vulnerable and trusting as I was before? Not sure if it means that on some level I expect it to happen?

 

I sort of chalk it up to a heart only being able to be truly broken once.

 

Or something like that....I just don't know.

 

But what I do know for certain is that at the slightest hint of any future shenanigans, that's it. Like a lot of people, I used to say that before D-Day too, but this time I say it with the conviction of experience.

[badkarma2013]

This part stuck out for me. I used to live in fear that someday she might hurt me again, but I reached a point where I accepted that she may CHEAT on me again, but I don't think she could ever hurt me the same way again.

 

I'm not sure what this means. Not sure if it means I don't love her as much? Not sure if it means I will never make myself as vulnerable and trusting as I was before? Not sure if it means that on some level I expect it to happen?

 

I sort of chalk it up to a heart only being able to be truly broken once.

 

Or something like that....I just don't know.

 

But what I do know for certain is that at the slightest hint of any future shenanigans, that's it. Like a lot of people, I used to say that before D-Day too, but this time I say it with the conviction of experience.

 

*****************************************************************

 

I think were are ALL changed after D-DAY..

 

Would my WW ever do what she did to me again...Who knows....I never gave her or myself a Chance to see....I simply did not care..

 

I ended it and have been the better for it...

 

I understand and applaud couples who can R....Just never seen it work much here and in people i know...

[Selfish]

*****************************************************************

 

I think were are ALL changed after D-DAY..

 

Would my WW ever do what she did to me again...Who knows....I never gave her or myself a Chance to see....I simply did not care..

 

I ended it and have been the better for it...

 

I understand and applaud couples who can R....Just never seen it work much here and in people i know...

 

Ironically the people I know about who cheated most are from the outside in very happy. The ones who divorced that I know of were because their spouse actually had an exit affair or were seriel cheaters.

[toolforgrowth]

My xWW wasn't worth waiting 5 years to find out, much less 20. She has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Sticking around on the off chance that she MIGHT see the light someday was not enough. I wasted enough of my life on her, and she isn't deserving of one second more.

[DKT3]

*****************************************************************

 

I think were are ALL changed after D-DAY..

 

Would my WW ever do what she did to me again...Who knows....I never gave her or myself a Chance to see....I simply did not care..

 

I ended it and have been the better for it...

 

I understand and applaud couples who can R....Just never seen it work much here and in people i know...

 

Yes, changed. I thought about this for a long time. I doubted that I could give her me again, I didn't think I could invest the way I did. Honestly even today I'm not sure I can. Is that fair?

 

Don't get me wrong, I love her and I just can't see myself without her in the future. I simply haven't been able to be as free with her as in the past. Its that second that it takes to question what I see her do or hear her say. Its that look of dissapointment she has to see on my face as I internally question her, for that second. Is it fair?

 

I get that feeling of "will it happen again". I remember sitting across from her at dinner and looking thru her as if she wasn't there, so deep into my own head that she was simply an object, and her looking down unwilling to make eye contact, asking is it worth it? Then it wasn't, then I couldn't imagine trusting her again. Divorce for me was a must. I didn't give her a chance to show remorse or regret. Hell she hadn't even confirmed the affair yet, how could there be remorse.

 

As I said before, you have to do what's best for you in that moment.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Trusted then busted

 

Maybe it means that it would not totally turn your world upside down? Or take you by surprise?

 

John was so completely taken aback by my affair. He was totally convinced that I could never betray him.

 

See what I did to this precious man? I cannot stomach it. How did I ever become that person?

 

Anyway..I totally understand where you are coming from...and I so don't blame you. When the rug is pulled out from under you and you fall...and you stand on the rug again..you watch your balance...just in case someone yanks it out from under you again. You might stumble...but you won't fall on your a$$.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[autumnnight]

Maybe it means that it would not totally turn your world upside down? Or take you by surprise?

 

John was so completely taken aback by my affair. He was totally convinced that I could never betray him.

 

See what I did to this precious man? I cannot stomach it. How did I ever become that person?

 

Anyway..I totally understand where you are coming from...and I so don't blame you. When the rug is pulled out from under you and you fall...and you stand on the rug again..you watch your balance...just in case someone yanks it out from under you again. You might stumble...but you won't fall on your a$$.

 

I apologize if this is off topic. I don't know if it completely is. I think sometimes the reason it just isn't worth it to some is because of their understanding of what the marriage might have to be like or what their role in the marriage might have to be like post-affair. Based on your post above, what do you see as your role in the marriage after D-Day?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Trusted then busted

 

Maybe it means that it would not totally turn your world upside down? Or take you by surprise?

 

I think so. I mean, if it happened again, I would still be surprised I suppose, and very disappointed in both her, and in myself for giving her a second chance. But in the end, I think the odds of it NOT happening again are now far greater. But turn my world upside down? Actually, it would, in that we'd be divorced, and I'd likely not see my kids everyday. But it would not break my heart. I would accept her choice and protect myself.

 

 

John was so completely taken aback by my affair. He was totally convinced that I could never betray him.

 

I was here too. 150% trust. Never doubted her for a moment when she told me where she was, what she was doing, who she was with etc. The thought that she might be lying never even entered my mind.

 

Almost as bad, is I thought she felt the same way about me. Turns out she assumed ( justification) that at somewhere in my business travels, or "boys Trips" I had cheated on her. It really hurt me to learn that we never had the kind of trusting relationship I thought we did. We had such a good thing going, that I assumed it was mutual.

 

 

 

 

...

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think so. I mean, if it happened again, I would still be surprised I suppose, and very disappointed in both her, and in myself for giving her a second chance. But in the end, I think the odds of it NOT happening again are now far greater. But turn my world upside down? Actually, it would, in that we'd be divorced, and I'd likely not see my kids everyday. But it would not break my heart. I would accept her choice and protect myself.

 

 

 

 

I was here too. 150% trust. Never doubted her for a moment when she told me where she was, what she was doing, who she was with etc. The thought that she might be lying never even entered my mind.

 

Almost as bad, is I thought she felt the same way about me. Turns out she assumed ( justification) that at somewhere in my business travels, or "boys Trips" I had cheated on her. It really hurt me to learn that we never had the kind of trusting relationship I thought we did. We had such a good thing going, that I assumed it was mutual.

 

 

 

 

...

 

I totally understand...and can relate. And agree.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I apologize if this is off topic. I don't know if it completely is. I think sometimes the reason it just isn't worth it to some is because of their understanding of what the marriage might have to be like or what their role in the marriage might have to be like post-affair. Based on your post above, what do you see as your role in the marriage after D-Day?

 

My role? The very same as it was pre dday. Do you have some specific question? I will answer as honestly as I can

 

I apologize if this is off topic. I don't know if it completely is. I think sometimes the reason it just isn't worth it to some is because of their understanding of what the marriage might have to be like or what their role in the marriage might have to be like post-affair. Based on your post above, what do you see as your role in the marriage after D-Day?

 

Autumn...my role is exactly the same as it was before the affair. If you have a specific question in mind I will answer as honestly as I can.

Edited February 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[autumnnight]

I hope that didn't sound bad. I am not exactly sure how to ask what I am asking.

 

I am wondering if in order to achieve what is referred to as recovery, the couple has to make a deal with each other? The BS makes a deal that he/she will live with a past that cannot be changed. And the WS kind of lives with the fact that the past will always define them? In other words, neither will move forward without the A being pretty definitively attached to who they are and what they do?

 

I think the fairy tale part of me kind of thought there was some land where the BS truly forgives - not forgets ever, but lets go of it as what defines the WS. And that the WS comes to a place where they do not have to "qualify" their goodness as always being "in spite of what they did."

 

I am thinking maybe that is not how it is. Maybe it is a kind of..."it's good, but we always remember it's not as good as it could have been."

 

In other words, not only does it never go away, it must always be an addendum.

[Selfish]

I hope that didn't sound bad. I am not exactly sure how to ask what I am asking.

 

I am wondering if in order to achieve what is referred to as recovery, the couple has to make a deal with each other? The BS makes a deal that he/she will live with a past that cannot be changed. And the WS kind of lives with the fact that the past will always define them? In other words, neither will move forward without the A being pretty definitively attached to who they are and what they do?

 

I think the fairy tale part of me kind of thought there was some land where the BS truly forgives - not forgets ever, but lets go of it as what defines the WS. And that the WS comes to a place where they do not have to "qualify" their goodness as always being "in spite of what they did."

 

I am thinking maybe that is not how it is. Maybe it is a kind of..."it's good, but we always remember it's not as good as it could have been."

 

In other words, not only does it never go away, it must always be an addendum.

 

My husband does not define me by my short affair years ago. If you asked him to say what he loved and disliked about me he would mention things in the now. It isn't a fairytale. It is just a different personality. My affair does not come up in arguements or whatnot. He said a few years back one day when we were having a difficult time in our marriage that if he left today it would be because of my actions (or his) today and not because I had an affair.

 

The biggest thing is my husband believes in change, redemption and second chances being able to work. He saw and believed my remorse. And he loved me enough to stay. He also isn't an overthinker.

 

What I did will never go away as in the fact it happened and can't be undone. But neither of us are tortured by it. WouLD i still change it if I coukd even though the only consequence left I have to supper is it being a permanet black mark on my past? Yes, i would. I would spare my husband that pain. And I would spare myself the self loathing.

 

Those few months of "fun" were not worth it. Even now when my life is good. I have no fond memories of that time. I wish more people grasped that before crossing the line. Sadly people will make their own choices and very few will grasp the damage of an affair (even if undiscovered) before it is too late.

[Confused48]

Only you can answer that..but I would like to ask you some questions..you don't need to answer them out loud.

Did you have a great marriage before the affair?

 

The best I've ever had. The best I could even imagine. Yet not without issues. What I thought was normal ups and downs of living with someone. I'd never been married before but had long term relationships. I've never experienced or wittnesed a LTR that did not have ups and downs like we had. WS had unrealistic expectations, IMHO. I do think now that WS would say we had a terrible relationship. I also think that is typical of WS who have an A, to justify by rewriting history.

 

 

Did you love and adore each other?

 

At times it was mutually. Probably more often than not. It was one sided at times.

 

Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to heal each other?

 

Yes, within reason. I don't know if this CAN be healed though. I often think, with respect to WS, "You did what? With who?" I'm so d isgusted. I don't see how any amount of regret for the past by WS or feeling of security for me going forward, can ameliorate that kind of sentiment.

 

Are you happy..except for the triggers?

 

Not really. I don't feel safe. I feel like plan B, not so much plan B to the AP as plan B to whatever fantasy perfect world WS is able to conjure up in WS mind.

 

Has your spouse given you complete transparency?

 

WS does not hide anything now. I have full access with no resistance to anything. I do feel that WS is not hiding and will not hide anything of significance from me going forward. As far as what happened, no. There is still TT and minimizing.

 

 

I was here too. 150% trust. Never doubted her for a moment when she told me where she was, what she was doing, who she was with etc. The thought that she might be lying never even entered my mind.

 

Me three.

It really hurt me to learn that we never had the kind of trusting relationship I thought we did. We had such a good thing going, that I assumed it was mutua

 

Until Dday, I thought we both believed it was just normal ups and downs. I had no idea the fantasy marriage my WS expected to have.

 

IMO WS needs to get to where T&B said his WS got to. Understanding the things that drove WS to the A. The need for external validation, the entitlement, etc. WS may get to that but is not getting to it on a timeline that I'm satisfied with.

 

WS certainly won't do it for me. After I'd been here long enough to know about these issues in a WS, a year or so after Dday, I asked WS if WS would seek help. WS responded that there was nothing wrong with WS, it was all me that was the problem, WS was happy with the way WS was. Now with the passage of more time and more infliction of pain from consequences and fallout, WS is begining to desire some change in own self. Too late? Yeah, maybe,

[Confused48]

I would spare my husband that pain. And I would spare myself the self loathing.

 

Those few months of "fun" were not worth it. Even now when my life is good. I have no fond memories of that time. I wish more people grasped that before crossing the line. Sadly people will make their own choices and very few will grasp the damage of an affair (even if undiscovered) before it is too late.

 

^^^^^ this! This is why WS are so valuable on this site. Brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I'm crying in public at JFK. This is so moving. I just hope my WS has some of this inside of WS.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hope that didn't sound bad. I am not exactly sure how to ask what I am asking.

 

I am wondering if in order to achieve what is referred to as recovery, the couple has to make a deal with each other? The BS makes a deal that he/she will live with a past that cannot be changed. And the WS kind of lives with the fact that the past will always define them? In other words, neither will move forward without the A being pretty definitively attached to who they are and what they do?

 

I think the fairy tale part of me kind of thought there was some land where the BS truly forgives - not forgets ever, but lets go of it as what defines the WS. And that the WS comes to a place where they do not have to "qualify" their goodness as always being "in spite of what they did."

 

I am thinking maybe that is not how it is. Maybe it is a kind of..."it's good, but we always remember it's not as good as it could have been."

 

In other words, not only does it never go away, it must always be an addendum.

 

Autumn...

 

John and I did not "make a deal". I said...I understand you have to do what is best for you..I will leave and ask for nothing. He said..I dont want you to leave..I want you. The decision was made...we would stay together.

The affair will forever leaves it's ugly scar on our marriage...but it does not define our marriage or who we are. We have lived a happy life...raising our children, taking wonderful vacations, working at our jobs...life goes on.

Triggers would occur..mostly around the anniversary date of my affair...and since I was only wth the OM one time...the date is easily pinpointed. The triggers could cause John depression for a short while...we would discuss it...I would cry and say I was sorry and ask what he wanted me to do....he would say he loved me and wanted it to go away. I would ask if he wanted me to leave..he would say no....and we moved Into the next year.

 

For thirty years

 

And then I read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair...and then I knew exactly what he was looking for and how I had failed him all those years.

 

I can only tell you my experience..I have never claimed to have all the answers and God knows I did so many things wrong....but as you have described your scenario..it does not apply to our situation.

 

We had a wonderful marriage, exciting and fun, passionate and solid....until I made the choice to cheat. For thirty years after..we had a good marriage...loving and sweet, passionate and exciting...until I discovered remorse in its truest form.

We now have a marriage of passion, love, admiration, respect, and comfort. And let me stress this....now after being married 42 years..there is a comfort they was never there before...one of trust and acceptance..one of complete surrender.

It is hard to explain...we don't have a fairy tale relationship...we have a complete one. I would exchange all the dreams a young girl has of a fairy tale ending with a prince on a white horse saving her from the dragon for the chance to lie in my beloveds arms and know that accepts me for who I am and loves me in spite of it.

[badkarma2013]

Originally Posted by Selfish View Post

I would spare my husband that pain. And I would spare myself the self loathing.

 

Those few months of "fun" were not worth it. Even now when my life is good. I have no fond memories of that time. I wish more people grasped that before crossing the line. Sadly people will make their own choices and very few will grasp the damage of an affair (even if undiscovered) before it is too late.

 

 

*******************************************************************

 

I have read hundreds of accounts both WSs and BSs.....Your last sentence sums it up ... with regard to WSs:VERY FEW ever grasp the damage they have caused..

 

I truly believe speaking as BH...(Selfish.. not speaking for you and you spouse)..Most WWs are very sorry for getting caught ..Their A not so much..

 

They may be sorry for the fallout...the soul crushing pain the BS is going thru...But would have never stopped until caught...

 

I admire your BH...I simply could not do it....I knew i would never let it go...and i imagine there are many BHs who filed for D and felt the same...and most of us are left with minimizing,TT and more lies..

 

Again admire your attempt to R...I could not enter into something I knew in my soul would fail..

 

PS: With regard to your above(top of page) Post ....Did you and your marriage appear happy before your A?

Edited February 13, 2015 by badkarma2013

[Selfish]

 

I have read hundreds of accounts both WSs and BSs.....Your last sentence sums it up ... with regard to WSs:VERY FEW ever grasp the damage they have caused..

 

I truly believe speaking as BH...(Selfish.. not speaking for you and you spouse)..Most WWs are very sorry for getting caught ..Their A not so much..

 

They may be sorry for the fallout...the soul crushing pain the BS is going thru...But would have never stopped until caught...

 

I admire your BH...I simply could not do it....I knew i would never let it go...and i imagine there are many BHs who filed for D and felt the same...and most of us are left with minimizing,TT and more lies..

 

Again admire your attempt to R...I could not enter into something I knew in my soul would fail..

 

PS: With regard to your above(top of page) Post ....Did you and your marriage appear happy before your A?

m

I think there are many ws who never thought they would cheat and are disgusted and appaled with themselves after. On other sites where WS are more protected you can see their pain and despair over what happened. And of course many are unrepentant to the end. We are all very different people. I was not a person who could lead a double life. Secrets are not my thing. Why I thought somehow I could have an affair and take it to my grave never be caught or affected by it I don't know. But I did.

 

My marriage was not bad. It did not "appear" good it was good. My affair had nothing to do with the state of my marriage or even my view of my marriage. As for things beyond me simply choosing to be selfish and greedy I had npd and was in denial over it. And I also had no sexual experience outside my husband. And for many people that is okay. I'm not saying people who don't have multiple partners cheat. Or it made my cheating okay. But in the spirit of honesty I know for me, curiousity was a part of the puzzle.

[flowergirl14]

When I started this thread I had no idea how it widely it would resonate with ls members. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll have another 5 or 10 years in this marriage. Everytime I have a bad day regarding his A and Im upset about it, he starts saying he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. In other words, when the heat is on him he wants to flee. He just won't be completely honest. Its TT and minimizing. I would say we are much happier than pre affair days. 80 percent of the time we are happy. The other 20 ? Maybe its my conscience saying don't forget who your dealing with. Don't forget the lying, secrecy, disgusting behavior. Don't forget that I shoul not have been treated that way. He screwed me over once he will again. My H says I want to keep playing the victim. But..I realize that by him not wanting to be honest Im still distrustful and angry. I realize I can't make him be that spouse that does everything in their power to heal this marriage. whatever happens in the next few years I am thankful that this forum exists. Period. Everyone on here "gets it."

[Selfish]

When I started this thread I had no idea how it widely it would resonate with ls members. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll have another 5 or 10 years in this marriage. Everytime I have a bad day regarding his A and Im upset about it, he starts saying he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. In other words, when the heat is on him he wants to flee. He just won't be completely honest. Its TT and minimizing. I would say we are much happier than pre affair days. 80 percent of the time we are happy. The other 20 ? Maybe its my conscience saying don't forget who your dealing with. Don't forget the lying, secrecy, disgusting behavior. Don't forget that I shoul not have been treated that way. He screwed me over once he will again. My H says I want to keep playing the victim. But..I realize that by him not wanting to be honest Im still distrustful and angry. I realize I can't make him be that spouse that does everything in their power to heal this marriage. whatever happens in the next few years I am thankful that this forum exists. Period. Everyone on here "gets it."

A huge, huuuge problem is him saying he doesn't want to be married when things get tough. It could mean a lot of things and none of them good.

 

I told my husband many times (until he asked me to stop) that if he wanted to divorce me I wouldn't take a cent from him or fight him in court. But I never said it when he was asking me questions or in a manipulative way. I just wanted him to not feel trapped. I would NEVER have told him I questioned staying to him. I always made it clear that I was not going to leave him unless it was what he wanted. I can't imagine me being the one to threaten divorce.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. Have you had him read the post for WS pinned at the top?

[drifter777]

Flowergirl: you WS is an ass. You just can't heal on your own. All you can do is learn how to swallow it back down when you trigger. This is bullsh*t and a horrible thing for your WH to do to you and a horrible way to live. IC might help you decide how you want to move forward with your life so find a good counselor.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When I started this thread I had no idea how it widely it would resonate with ls members. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll have another 5 or 10 years in this marriage. Everytime I have a bad day regarding his A and Im upset about it, he starts saying he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. In other words, when the heat is on him he wants to flee. He just won't be completely honest. Its TT and minimizing. I would say we are much happier than pre affair days. 80 percent of the time we are happy. The other 20 ? Maybe its my conscience saying don't forget who your dealing with. Don't forget the lying, secrecy, disgusting behavior. Don't forget that I shoul not have been treated that way. He screwed me over once he will again. My H says I want to keep playing the victim. But..I realize that by him not wanting to be honest Im still distrustful and angry. I realize I can't make him be that spouse that does everything in their power to heal this marriage. whatever happens in the next few years I am thankful that this forum exists. Period. Everyone on here "gets it."

 

 

Flowergirl...I don't hear remorse in his statements to you and until he understands the pain he caused you....you may not be able to forgive him to trust that he will not hurt you again.

 

Has he read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair?