toolforgrowth Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think by and large, divorcing immediately after infidelity is discovered is the best thing for a BS to do. It puts you back in the driver's seat of your life and your destiny, and also sets a clear boundary. Infidelity is a marriage killer the majority of the time. There are outliers, like the Adams. Statistically, there are always outliers (I work in IT with business intelligence software, so I'm very data conversant and am very good at interpreting data). But when we're talking about a 2% - 4% probability of your case being an outlier, it's so statistically insignificant that I don't even pay any attention to it. It's the 96% - 98% I'm concerned with. Anyone who is unsure about R shouldn't attempt it. If your WS really wanted you back, they would understand and give you space until you can make a decision. Plus you just need time to observe their behavior, if it's still something that's at least on the table. If you're even slightly unsure, don't do it. R is something that both partners have to commit to. I couldn't commit to it, personally. I knew that if I got back together with my xWW, it would only be a matter of time before the shoe was on the other foot and I cheated on her, even if she had been the picture perfect remorseful WS; my regard for her and her feelings was so low (still is) that I could have easily done to her what she did to me and not bat an eye. What does that tell you? Lol It told me that there was no love left on my heart...only contempt. She became less than human, and I would have treated her as such. That's not fair to either her or me. I think BS's want things to work out, initially. But as time goes on, you become numb to your WS and they don't even seem real to you anymore. I would have crapped all over her...I know it. That's just not healthy for either of us. Better to let myself go, and to let her go in the process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Sadly, it looks like the Adams' are gone. I can't say I blame them. You couldn't pay me enough to subject myself to sharing something so painful only to deal with crap. We are still here. It is amazing that my wife could be attacked like she was trying to help people who are dealing with infidelity. There are more people that go on and live a happy lives than many here would expect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 We are still here. It is amazing that my wife could be attacked like she was trying to help people who are dealing with infidelity. There are more people that go on and live a happy lives than many here would expect. For the BH who can't get past the sex I believe successful R is very rare. He may stay in the relationship but never recover. This is just too sad and way too common. Men need to know that divorcing a WW is a better path to recovery then they are being told by outsiders who think "saving" a marriage is Gods work. Who cares if he lives miserably ever after... Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Men need to know that divorcing a WW is a better path to recovery for some men There, fixed that for ya. You do not speak for all men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I'm 3 and a half years out. No, I don't regret staying. We have healed and moved past his affair. We have a good and happy marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) For the BH who can't get past the sex I believe successful R is very rare. He may stay in the relationship but never recover. This is just too sad and way too common. Men need to know that divorcing a WW is a better path to recovery then they are being told by outsiders who think "saving" a marriage is Gods work. Who cares if he lives miserably ever after... I agree with you that divorce more often than not is the right answer for many people. I try to not judge a person in their choice to reconcile or divorce....I believe only they can choose what's right for them. my goal is to offer support to others in whatever they decide. Either way...divorce or reconciliation...is a difficult road to travel. Edited February 3, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Sadly, it looks like the Adams' are gone. I can't say I blame them. You couldn't pay me enough to subject myself to sharing something so painful only to deal with crap. Did they get crap on another thread? Or maybe deleted from this one? I noticed some folks questioning them, but nothing worse. I must have missed something... Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I would have crapped all over her...I know it. That's just not healthy for either of us. Better to let myself go, and to let her go in the process. That is exactly how I felt.... i knew i would turn into someone that I did not like very much at all. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 There, fixed that for ya. You do not speak for all men. Yeah - ok. I usually avoid the absolute so as to not upset folks. BTW: are you a BS or WS? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I experienced betrayal, but not a literal A. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 That is exactly how I felt.... i knew i would turn into someone that I did not like very much at all. Exactly. I could never cheat on my girlfriend...I couldn't even fathom it. But my xWW? I'd be nailing anything with pulse with no remorse. That's not who I want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Did they get crap on another thread? Or maybe deleted from this one? I noticed some folks questioning them, but nothing worse. I must have missed something... some was on another thread and some has been deleted Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 We are still here. It is amazing that my wife could be attacked like she was trying to help people who are dealing with infidelity. There are more people that go on and live a happy lives than many here would expect. This is not meant as an attack. When a WW first says it was just a ONS. Out of the clear blue WW just hooked up with the OM. That there was no EA. Then WW comes back and says she and the OM flirted for awhile before sleeping with the OM. Well that is a EA. Then when a WW repeatedly states it was only one time. Then after the longest of time she lets out an oh by the way I was to hook up with the OM a second time. And the only reason it did not happen was because the OM canceled. Being a FWW is more then to stop seeing the OM. She needs to stop minimizing her involvement. She is still sugar coating things. And you do not see this. I don't know what you and your WW have said to each other for the past thirty years. I can only form an opinion on what the both of you post. Your WW is trickle truthing us in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 This is not meant as an attack. Your WW is trickle truthing us in my opinion. Thank you for your opinion, but you are wrong. I live with her, you do not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 This is not meant as an attack. When a WW first says it was just a ONS. Out of the clear blue WW just hooked up with the OM. That there was no EA. Then WW comes back and says she and the OM flirted for awhile before sleeping with the OM. Well that is a EA. Then when a WW repeatedly states it was only one time. Then after the longest of time she lets out an oh by the way I was to hook up with the OM a second time. And the only reason it did not happen was because the OM canceled. Being a FWW is more then to stop seeing the OM. She needs to stop minimizing her involvement. She is still sugar coating things. And you do not see this. I don't know what you and your WW have said to each other for the past thirty years. I can only form an opinion on what the both of you post. Your WW is trickle truthing us in my opinion. I have to agree with road here (and I have never, ever in my life agreed with road on anything). Except for the last line - I don't think she is trickle truthing - I think she is telling the truth as she knows it. But it doesn't change the facts, and I agree, this is in no way a "one-night stand". It would have been more had the OM gone along with it (who knows how much more - but more) - that seems clear from the story posted. I suppose I am one of those horrible people who "attacked" Mrs Adams. Sorry, but I don't see it that way. I see it as calling out the facts that I see and giving my opinion - respectfully. The Adams' are of course welcome to come here and promote reconciliation, but just like anyone else who posts here, they should be ready to accept opinions of others who don't necessarily agree with everything they say. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 And that is fine. We all have our opinions. I do not feel I have ever been trickle truthed and I am the BS.....so, at least in my reconciliation that is all that counts. And by the way, I do not think reconciliation is for everyone. I think divorce is best in many situations. The bottom line is that if both in a couple are happy with where they are, and we are, and we are both here. That is all that counts. If a couple is not happy with their situation they need to evaluate if reconciliation or divorce is the best answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 To go a step further. It is a one night stand in the definition that it was a one time occurrence. If you go by the strict rule that a ons is a bar pick up, no, that is certainly not the situation. If you go by the broader point that a ons is a one time occurrence, then yes, that is what it was. But, I find it strange to argue semantics, because it was what it was and she has never denied what it was. It does not make it any better or worse what ever you call it. I know what happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 And that is fine. We all have our opinions. I do not feel I have ever been trickle truthed and I am the BS.....so, at least in my reconciliation that is all that counts. And by the way, I do not think reconciliation is for everyone. I think divorce is best in many situations. The bottom line is that if both in a couple are happy with where they are, and we are, and we are both here. That is all that counts. If a couple is not happy with their situation they need to evaluate if reconciliation or divorce is the best answer. Yes that is true. And clearly you are happy with your wife, regardless of the facts. That is terrific, and it doesn't matter what the rest of us think or what she would have done back then, or that she still can't guarantee that she wouldn't do it again but thinks she would not (quoting her words). If that is good enough for you, then that is ALL that matters. For sure. I believe you are also correct that R is not for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I will interject...no where here will you see me call what i had anything other than an affair...i don't call it an ea...a pa...a ons....i call it an affair. No where here do you see where i say...reconciliation is the only answer.. I say divorce may indeed be the answer and many times it is the right answer. We are perfectly willing to accept what others choose to be the right answer for them. We are not here to judge...we are not here to preach...we are here to support....whatever decision others make. I said i cannot guarantee that it will not happen again...because i swore it would never happen the first time.... I have learned to never say never....i have assured him i will take my own life before i ever let it happen again. I believe he is confident that it won't. Edited February 4, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I have learned to never say never....i have assured him i will take my own life before i ever let it happen again. I believe he is confident that it won't. Yep, I believe this 100% 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I will interject...no where here will you see me call what i had anything other than an affair...i don't call it an ea...a pa...a ons....i call it an affair. No where here do you see where i say...reconciliation is the only answer.. I say divorce may indeed be the answer and many times it is the right answer. We are perfectly willing to accept what others choose to be the right answer for them. We are not here to judge...we are not here to preach...we are here to support....whatever decision others make. I said i cannot guarantee that it will not happen again...because i swore it would never happen the first time.... I have learned to never say never....i have assured him i will take my own life before i never let it happen again. I believe he is confident that it won't. Maybe it's just semantics, but you should be able to guarantee him that it won't happen again (my opinion). YOU are the only person responsible for your behavior. In your story of the A back then, it almost seemed like you were outside looking in and someone else was running the show. YOU need to run the show and that means that you guarantee to your BH that you don't cheat again. Ever. It's YOUR behavior so you control it and stop insinuating that it's under the control of some mystery phantom power and you might lose control again. Again, my opinion. I think the issue for many people (me included) is that people can't predict the future. In your case, your A really wasn't a one-night stand and might have progressed had OM allowed... but your husband and you chose to rug-sweep for 3 decades before arriving to this point. Now you're deliriously happy, it's all special, etc, but what about the decades before? How is anyone reading your story supposed to judge whether or not they will be deliriously happy should they choose to wait 3 decades after the A is over to repair/recover? How is a betrayed spouse supposed to know what to do? Given the details of your situation (for example), I would divorce, because it wasn't a one-night stand, it was an affair, and there was no clear indication that the WW made the decision to end it. I sure as hell wouldn't wait around for decades just in case it turned special again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I cannot say whether anyone else is guaranteed success or happiness...i can only tell my story...and tell the mistakes i made hoping that they wont make the same ones. I have never professed to have all the answers...how can i have the answers for others? I can tell you this is what happened to me...this is how i handled it...these are the mistakes i made...and these are the successes i have had. That's it.... You are entitled to your opinion...you have the right to decide how to handle your own situation...but you cannot change my story...you cannot change who we are...you cannot change our outcome. You can agree...you can disagree...you can hate me...you can love me... the bottom line is still this...My husband and i have been married 42 years...we are happy. We have made many mistakes...we are happy....we have lived a very good life...we are happy We support those who are struggling, we pray for those who are hurting. We are not the enemy...we are regular people just like everyone else...we have hurt...we have survived. No agenda...no judgement.. no argument. by the way the title of this thread is Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later? the answer is NO Edited February 4, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Marriages do recover. Sometimes, even the most 'evil' are worthy of redemption. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Marriages do recover. Sometimes, even the most 'evil' are worthy of redemption. Yes, some do recover. We feel very lucky that ours did recover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Where did I just read that quote, never look down on someone unless you are helping them up? Oh yeah.... I'm thinking I'm about done. Eventually we become the company we keep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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