Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

[Tallan]

I'm not sure if it is just me in my situation. But I think if you have thefeeling that you don't want to be there, then how can you flip your feelings to grow the love and compassion that comes with a healthy relationship. Are we kidding ourselfs by staying!, then burying our heads deeper into the dirt and teaching our children the same????

[Hope Shimmers]

I cannot say whether anyone else is guaranteed success or happiness...i can only tell my story...and tell the mistakes i made hoping that they wont make the same ones.

 

I have never professed to have all the answers...how can i have the answers for others?

 

Fair enough. I thought you and your H were on here primarily to push R as the way to go, and to push a certain book. If that is not the case, then I apologize.

 

the bottom line is still this...My husband and i have been married 42 years...we are happy. We have made many mistakes...we are happy....we have lived a very good life...we are happy

 

I was reacting to all of the story, how you got to the 42 years of marriage, and from what you said not all of them were happy. Just stating what I am remembering from your post. But okay.

 

We support those who are struggling, we pray for those who are hurting.

 

We are not the enemy...we are regular people just like everyone else...we have hurt...we have survived.

 

No agenda...no judgement.. no argument.

 

I've been here trying to do that here since 2008. No one is judging. All of us are here to support those who are struggling. Just not all with the same advice.

 

by the way the title of this thread is Does the BS wish they had divorced their WS 5,10, 20 years later?

 

the answer is NO

 

That's your answer. Not everyone's.

[Hope Shimmers]

Marriages do recover. Sometimes, even the most 'evil' are worthy of redemption.

 

There was nothing 'evil' about this story.

[Hope Shimmers]

Where did I just read that quote, never look down on someone unless you are helping them up?

 

Oh yeah....

 

I'm thinking I'm about done. Eventually we become the company we keep.

 

Good for you, autumnnight. See you around.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hope Shimmers...We have no agenda. We have recommended a FREE book that helped us. We have shared our story...the good the bad and the ugly. Reconciliation worked for us...we recognize it can't and it won't work for everyone. We are not here to condemn those who choose divorce. Each family must decide what is best for them.

 

If you read our posts...not the posts of others opinions about our story...but our posts about our story....you will see exactly what i have just described for you. No where will you find we have judged anyone else's decisions.

 

The hardest part of our marriage was between 1983...when i had my affair...and 1985 when he had his. It was a very tough 2 years. The rest of our 42 years has been good....even great. Marriage is not easy even under the best of circumstances....adding infidelity into the mix adds a whole different set of issues. This thread is asking those who have survived this horrible trauma of infidelity...if years down the road you wish you would have divorced. I am sure there are some who wish they had divorced.

 

However...our answer is no...we do not wish we would have divorced. This is a personal question and not one we can answer for anyone else...and we haven't tried to answer it for anyone else. How can we? The question is not asking others opinions about our marriage....it is asking each of us as individuals who have reconciled...if we wish we had divorced. I am sure there are those here...who would have chosen to divorce in our circumstances....and that would have been the right answer for them. But it was not the answer we chose...and we do not regret the choice we made to reconcile. In our eyes, we are just married. I am his wife...he is my husband...and we have been married 42 years. In my opinion...that is a successful reconciliation....

 

It has been a lively, interesting discussion. Since i am new here...it has been quite revealing about personality types and opinions of some of the folks who have responded.

[velvette]

I've seen a lot of recent threads on here lately about why a BS would stay with a cheater. The reality is many people do stay in the marriage for one reason or another. However, what are the long term effects of staying. I'm curious about those that have R and are 3, 5, 10 years or more out. Do you regret staying married to your cheating spouse? Do you wish you would have divorced? Or are you truly in a trusting, loving happy marriage?

 

 

We are about 10 years out from reconciliation.

 

 

We have never been happier.

 

 

I didn't stay for any reason other than I still loved my H, valued my M and believed we could be happy. Of course, I also believed my H felt the same or I would not have stayed.

 

 

When things I love break, I try to fix them before I will throw them out. If a favorite vase breaks and I can glue it back together, I will and love it all the more. Come to think of it my H is much the same way. He darns his favorite socks rather than throw them out.

 

 

I don't have any regrets and am very happy we didn't D.

[road]

I have to agree with road here.

 

 

 

What can I say?

 

 

Except that Great Minds think alike.

[merrmeade]

I was too blindsided - too stunned - too hurt and too ashamed to face the reality of "could I ever forgive". I was too young to realize how horrible the decision to stay with her and just swallow my feelings really was. I needed help and a shoulder to cry on. I needed people around me who could tell me that rug-sweeping was stupid and never works for long. Mostly, I needed counseling from a professional. I think nearly all of us at LS would strongly encourage a young BH to find someone he trusted to talk to. I think if I would have worked through this back then, I wouldn't be here at LS today.

I don't have time to read this whole thread right now but just need to say this post was a semi-Eureka for me. Yes. That was it exactly and I never understood it. That is, why in hell I reacted the way I did the very first time I found out he'd cheated with someone. It was 3 or 4 years into the marriage, the OW accidentally called my place of work to inquire about a job and blurted that they'd "almost screwed" a few months back, H put all the blame on her and the rest is almost verbatim what you described. Too blindsided, stunned, hurt, ashamed, young to understand, ask the right questions of myself, know the significance, know what it would do to me, know what he really was. Too naive and, therefore, blindsided. Thanks. Drifter.

 

And so do I with I'd divorced my WH's motherf--king ass? You can bet every bone in your body I do. But I didn't even come close to the D word. My brain walked away from it in a very few days and went back to the La La Land of rug-sweeping, don't-think/talk-about-it numbness and jacked up distractions. And he went on to another A in a couple of years.

 

So why not D now? That's answered in Drifter's next post but with a whole different circumstances. Getting old isn't an excuse but protecting your kids and who or whatever else would collapse if you did, is an explanation at any rate. I'm trying to protect my kids from having to take care of either of their parents when the time comes and accept this is more like a business or roommate situation with benefits. So the f--k be it. And similar to Zenstudent's way of dealing with it, we all have the option of happiness within.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If i felt the way you have described here about my Husband...or if i thought he felt this way about me...I don't care if i have to sell pencils on the corner....I would divorce and start over.

 

I am not going to "exist" in a relationship.

 

Our marriage is the very most important thing in my life. My relationship with my husband means more to me than my children, my parents, my dog....

 

If i harbored animosity toward him...if i despised him...if i felt "nothing" toward him...I would get out.

 

Marriage is about 2 people putting the other above everything else..including ourselves. I truly love my husband so much to put his needs above my own.

How could i do that if i did not love him?

 

I am not making a judgement call here for anyone else....I am just stating that...for me...co existing is not enough. I wont do it...I don't care how old I am.

[merrmeade]

And maybe I will.

[Selfish]

And maybe I will.

 

What stops you? Not a snarky question but genuine.

 

You often see OW told "if the marriage was bad they'd leave". I have read that so many times. But yet many BS also choose to stay with a bad marriage.

[merrmeade]

And maybe I will. Of course, it's not too late. But whether I stay or go is not even my concern. I'm happy for you, Adamses. I will love and revere my parents to my dying day for giving me the model of deep, effulgent love through life-long commitment to one person. I remember being in love and being loved unconditionally. I did that (and do) for my children.

 

I also have affection for my H and he for me - don't get me wrong. I like and enjoy his company. We have compatible sensibilities, politics and values when it comes to everything (except actually living them consistently). There are many things about him that I like, but I have a lifetime of betrayals to work out of my system — whether I'm living under the same roof the SOB or not.

 

I SHOULD have divorced him many years ago, yes, but I wasn't grown up enough to know it. That is my response to the thread, but realizing and saying that does not also mean I feel I should do so now. My marriage, the question of leaving or staying are all academic. How I view love and marriage in the future, also academic. Right now, I am still reacting, and that is the best thing I can do for myself.

 

Reacting means feeling what I should have felt two years ago, and more digging into what it means — that is, what is right and true about what happened, what that means about who he was then and who he is now. I'm also working through what it means about the people it affected who are still in my life. I'm coming to terms with much of this. For some of it, I need more information from him. It's a complicated history with family members and other intrigue. I need to understand. I need to decide what I think about what REALLY happened, and that will get me myself back.

 

I don't give a rat's ass about anything else. I don't care about true love. I don't care about the future. I don't think I'll be able to move on until I grab it ALL with all my being and all my rage and incinerate it.

 

Don't worry. I don't own firearms. No violence anticipated...

Edited February 9, 2015 by merrmeade
Emphasis

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will admit I have trouble trying to follow your line of thinking. I don't mean that as a criticism....I just can't seem to get a grip on you. In your threads...I think I see one thing but I find I am misunderstanding where you are coming from.

 

 

Please accept my apology if I misunderstood you.

[merrmeade]

I will admit I have trouble trying to follow your line of thinking. I don't mean that as a criticism....I just can't seem to get a grip on you. In your threads...I think I see one thing but I find I am misunderstanding where you are coming from.

 

Please accept my apology if I misunderstood you.

No apology needed and I am grateful for myself and others for the way you share yours and your husband's incredible accomplishments and values.

 

You've done nothing wrong, dear Mrs. Adams! Probably it's more that I'm not consistent than that you misunderstood.

 

I think, hope, that all of us here change over time. Since starting IC a couple of months ago, I'm changing even faster. I'm not the mealy-mouthed, confused idiot I was 2.5 years ago when I first posted on LS, or even the same as a few days ago.

 

Also, it's called Loveshack, but we don't all have to end up giving romantic love the top priority in life.

 

I answered the thread - yes, I wish I'd divorced the SOB 30 years ago - but then went on to say I'm not sure I need to divorce him now and why. Why is that I need to focus on how I feel and let 'er rip.

[Selfish]

But how can you have self respect and stay married to someone you view as a son of a biatch?

[Mrs. John Adams]

No apology needed and I am grateful for myself and others for the way you share yours and your husband's incredible accomplishments and values.

 

You've done nothing wrong, dear Mrs. Adams! Probably it's more that I'm not consistent than that you misunderstood.

 

I think, hope, that all of us here change over time. Since starting IC a couple of months ago, I'm changing even faster. I'm not the mealy-mouthed, confused idiot I was 2.5 years ago when I first posted on LS, or even the same as a few days ago.

 

Also, it's called Loveshack, but we don't all have to end up giving romantic love the top priority in life.

 

I answered the thread - yes, I wish I'd divorced the SOB 30 years ago - but then went on to say I'm not sure I need to divorce him now and why. Why is that I need to focus on how I feel and let 'er rip.

 

Thank you...emotions run deep sometimes..and it is never my intention to cause hurt or pain....

Sometimes I am misunderstood and my words are twisted to mean something I never intended..I don't want to do that to anyone else.

 

So can you help me understand?

 

You are content to stay with a man who hurt you. He is not remorseful...you cannot forgive him...but you have an amiable relationship...and that satisfies you both.

 

You regret not divorcing sooner..but are willing to continue as you have because that was the choice you made. You find it easier to remain than to leave.

 

Do I have this part right?

[drifter777]

If i felt the way you have described here about my Husband...or if i thought he felt this way about me...I don't care if i have to sell pencils on the corner....I would divorce and start over.

 

I am not going to "exist" in a relationship.

 

Our marriage is the very most important thing in my life. My relationship with my husband means more to me than my children, my parents, my dog....

 

If i harbored animosity toward him...if i despised him...if i felt "nothing" toward him...I would get out.

 

Marriage is about 2 people putting the other above everything else..including ourselves. I truly love my husband so much to put his needs above my own.

How could i do that if i did not love him?

 

I am not making a judgement call here for anyone else....I am just stating that...for me...co existing is not enough. I wont do it...I don't care how old I am.

My response to the bolded - in fact your whole post is:

 

You might think you know what you'd do in this situation but, let me assure you, you don't. Until it happens we ALL think this same thing. Then it happens and your world explodes. Reason goes out the window and you do whatever you do out of an animalistic survival instinct.

[merrmeade]

Maybe I can't. Maybe I'll come to that. But don't you see? I'm not on the fencepost at the moment and not saying I might not be later.

 

Is it treason to say I maybe I don't need for my main source of happiness to be marriage? Can't there be self-respect in this?

I'm trying to protect my kids from having to take care of either of their parents when the time comes and accept this is more like a business or roommate situation with benefits.

Whether I stay in this situation is a question I don't need to answer today. What I said that I DO need to deal with is my own anger. Stay or go, that will determine what I do about self-respect.

[drifter777]

But how can you have self respect and stay married to someone you view as a son of a biatch?

Can you accept that you just don't understand this and you never will? That doesn't make others with this view wrong - it makes them different.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My response to the bolded - in fact your whole post is:

 

You might think you know what you'd do in this situation but, let me assure you, you don't. Until it happens we ALL think this same thing. Then it happens and your world explodes. Reason goes out the window and you do whatever you do out of an animalistic survival instinct.

 

You are absolutely correct...we don't know what we would do in any given situation..including cheating. I did not speak for anyone else...I did not give her advice and I made that clear..that I was speaking for myself only.

 

I have been to the depths of hell and back....I have been on both sides of the equation...I have suffered hurt and disappointment and betrayal...all caused because I cheated first.

I was 28 years old...I had two small children...and I did not have a pot to piss in...but I offered to leave....because I did not want to stay in a marriage with a man I had hurt. I wanted to stay because he wanted me.

 

I meant it then..I mean it now. If John doesn't want me..I will leave.

[Selfish]

Can you accept that you just don't understand this and you never will? That doesn't make others with this view wrong - it makes them different.

 

Maybe if people qctually explained it. But you see this is a discussion forum whede people discuss things. Personally I don't see how one can stay with someone they despise. It isn't a healthy enviroment for kids so that excuse is weak. I do get taking your time. But neither you or mermeade or fresh out. You have had years. Mermeade still may leave and my question was only why she personally was staying (as she has not had much to say that is good about her husband up until now). I was curious as to her whys for putting up with an unremorseful sob. Your motives are clear. You have resigned yourself to your mistake of staying ten years ago and feel staying is your better option now.

[Selfish]

Maybe I can't. Maybe I'll come to that. But don't you see? I'm not on the fencepost at the moment and not saying I might not be later.

 

Is it treason to say I maybe I don't need for my main source of happiness to be marriage? Can't there be self-respect in this? Whether I stay in this situation is a question I don't need to answer today. What I said that I DO need to deal with is my own anger. Stay or go, that will determine what I do about self-respect.

 

Main source of happiness being marriage is not what I was talking about. It was about liking yourself and having self respect but continuing to live with someone who you think of in such a derogatory way and who acts like his cheating was just a little forgivable whoopsie and shouldnbe just got over.

 

People who have marriage of conveniences that work always respect one another.

[autumnnight]

I think people always have reasons for staying. I do think some people are just not honest with themselves about what those reasons actually are.

[badkarma2013]

I think people always have reasons for staying. I do think some people are just not honest with themselves about what those reasons actually are.

 

*******************************************************************

 

As good of an answer as I have read on this post!

[merrmeade]

Personally I don't see how one can stay with someone they despise. It isn't a healthy enviroment for kids so that excuse is weak. I do get taking your time. But neither you or mermeade or fresh out. You have had years. Mermeade still may leave and my question was only why she personally was staying (as she has not had much to say that is good about her husband up until now).

And I've tried to answer as best I can, but I never said I despise him. The fact that I don't have much good to say is that I have a lot of resentment, and I come on LS, feel validated and vent like hell. I don't need for LS posters to love him. I need for them to understand me so that I can help and be helped. I'm sure I'm not the only one that does that. I don't have kids in the house. I haven't had years with this. I learned parts about two affairs 2.5 years ago and got the rest (trickle-truthed) over the next 26 months. And, as I've explained, I did not deal with my feelings then. I put everything on hold to do it together the Shirley Glass way or whatever I thought that was. Didn't work, and I'm still a mess. Also went abroad and stewed a while. Whatever, I did not deal with the raw feelings and I can't deal with stay/go or do anything less visceral than feel. Point is, there's no formula or pattern that fits all.