He dropped me

[privategal]

I read here a lot and opened an account to share my story but didn't have the guts until now. I hate to see people log into a board such as this to share the most vulnerable secret then just get torched.

 

 

Mine was an ea, too ashamed to admit how long, nearing 2 decades.

Many fallouts and the shame is that I kept allowing him back in with the hot cold. I convinced myself friends, friends, friends, that's all I am and all I want.

 

 

When things were good they were SO good. So much supporting loving caring words. When he was plugged in, he could make you feel like the greatest person in the world. The friendship could lift the darkest day. We had so much fun and laughter and the funnest bond.

He always did express he did love and miss me daily. Then some sort of argument, and hed be dumping the friendship again.

 

 

Seems like anyone could relate to not letting that kind of thing go. I guess the leaving and coming back, makeup to breakup was so the norm, and my self esteem damaged by the being deserted many times (went to ic, learned I had abandonment issues) that I just kept allowing more coming back. I felt happier when we were friends, the arguments weren't bad, didn't last long, I got used to it. Pretty sad huh?

 

 

Id like to keep the topic to my friend and I but will say were both past our 30s both married later so almost both married a decade. We had basic talk of our marriages, neither of us seeming unhappy, it was weird. Its not like we seemed miserable needing eachother to fill a void. Im not sure what was needed of me? The sexting type things were over so long ago. that side had taken a nosedive and didn't return so it isn't like I was fulfilling anything for him.

 

 

If I believed in it, I would say we are twin flames, the volatile back and forth even though the arguing was short lived, seemed so crazy, seemed to come from no where.

 

 

Well, I finally left town this year, thank god. I thought it was a chance to leave it all behind, start fresh, it had been shaky grounds, not able to regain our balance like we normally did. I left for my husbands work not for my friend but it felt good to look forward to a clean slate.

 

 

I couldn't leave him behind as planned, suddenly there were more stronger than before professions of love for our friendship, that we had worked through so much and would be there for eachother and stay in eachothers lives for support and love. He was SO sincere, it was palpable the love pouring from his words.

 

 

Well you can guess what happened to this idiot (me). Not having trusted my gut I brought the friendship and baggage to a new city and fresh start only to be left again a few months into it. I think he saw a chance for me to be happy and away from him and it took one small tiff and he ended it.

 

 

I do think this time, I am 99% sure it is for good. My gut and heart can sense it, I hurt deeply because I trusted it would be different. Im embarrassed and ashamed. I emailed a couple times to say lets let this go and just have a nice normal friendship, arguments blow over...but he just said we have to go it alone now, that he doesn't want this arguing for us, he is too stressed for it and he doesn't want to do this to me anymore either.

 

 

Im telling you, I hate myself for making this bed. Im sleeping in it, and drowning in it too. Im crying privately. I just got a new job too and Im trying to hold it together. Im playing victim in my mind and trying to slap that down and be clear, it was a wrong decision for me to be involved in it and Im taking responsibility, I just couldn't see my way out after so many years. IC didn't help, the advice from 2 therapists wasn't better than what you can google. I just wish this never happened. I regret the day it all started SO many years back. It has been such a rollercoaster we were so close, so great, yet its so tormented.

 

 

I am going to be in full NC, its all I can do. I wish I could undo this mess and find a way to live my life now without the hurt and loss and regret for wasting all that time on a man who could leave me so easily multiple times, this time being final.

 

 

Any non judgemental thoughts from any other mow or mom?

[GirlStillStrong]

I just wish this never happened. I regret the day it all started SO many years back.

Are you sure?

 

Because it doesn't seem like it. It seems as though you are holding onto it for dear life, reliving it, thinking about it, unable to let go.

 

If you want to feel better you need to learn how to detach emotionally from this guy. 20 years is a long time to do anything, especially be in a relationship with someone.

[Rainbowlove]

You'll get lots of opinions here.

 

I'm not going to judge you. Not one bit. You are hurting enough and I know your pain.

 

I'll tell you - I'm a believer in the Twin Flame experience b/c I've had it.

 

Someone posted a really good article here the other day, I can't remember her name...but I read it over and over again and it made so much sense.

 

Read it.

 

How to Remove Attachments to Past Relationships | Spirit Science

 

Also, even if you are having a TF experience, it doesn't mean you are meant to be together. There are lessons that need to be learned both on your end and his end.

 

Let him go. Cry privately. I've done it too. Grieve the loss. Do what it takes to heal from the loss.

 

One day at a time and you can overcome these dark days.

[GoldieLox]

If I'm not being too presumptuous here... what kind of things did you guys argue about? Was things related to your relationship? It sounds like it was a pretty intense friendship for many years. I'm just curious as to the dynamics here, why all the arguing?

[privategal]

Are you sure?

 

Because it doesn't seem like it. It seems as though you are holding onto it for dear life, reliving it, thinking about it, unable to let go.

 

If you want to feel better you need to learn how to detach emotionally from this guy. 20 years is a long time to do anything, especially be in a relationship with someone.

 

 

Yes, Im doing all the things you mentioned and am embarrassed for that and feel ashamed, the wound is fresh, the pain and mourning the loss have only just begun, its been over for a week today. Hate myself for feeling so stung. I should have left it alone when I moved. Or long before that even.

[Rainbowlove]

Yes, Im doing all the things you mentioned and am embarrassed for that and feel ashamed, the wound is fresh, the pain and mourning the loss have only just begun, its been over for a week today. Hate myself for feeling so stung. I should have left it alone when I moved. Or long before that even.

 

Should haves serve no purpose.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Focus on the here and now. What can you do now to help yourself heal?

 

Keep moving forward. It will get better. Your heart will heal. You just have to go through all the hard stuff first.

[privategal]

If I'm not being too presumptuous here... what kind of things did you guys argue about? Was things related to your relationship? It sounds like it was a pretty intense friendship for many years. I'm just curious as to the dynamics here, why all the arguing?

 

 

We argued because of the push pull hot cold. Each time he would come back I would forgive, things would be beyond amazing, a beautiful friendship anyone would be envious of. We would seem stronger and very close and just tons of support and then the hot cold would begin or I would attempt to bring up why we fell apart in the past, try to get clarity on past to make future healthier and it would blow up. Things like that. We would fight like a couple, cause at one time we behaved EXACTLY like a couple and knew it was wrong so we went down the path of friendship but that of course wasn't easy. Especially with the constant professions of love still, which I believed he meant platonically its just he was so soft to me, so protective and always calling emailing and texting....he kept me hanging on, or rather I kept myself hanging on...

I saw a gentleman post recently about carrying the torch so long have seen some others in similar long terms ea or a. Not many though. Its ludicrous. SOme parts of me were like, well, we made it this far now, why throw it all away, whats the point were obviously forever connected. sigh

[GirlStillStrong]

Girl, first things first. You need to STOP feeling ashamed, forgive yourself for being human, and stop beating yourself up over this. People make mistakes. I've made LOTS. And continue to do so. This shame thing you've got going on is neurotic. Seriously. You should talk to someone trained in these kinds of things.

[irishguy]

Are you not happy in your marriage

[privategal]

Im happy. The friendship made me even happier...

[DKT3]

Im happy. The friendship made me even happier...

 

How is it your happy when you really want another man?

 

This obsession clearly takes away from your ability to commit to your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Im happy. The friendship made me even happier...

 

But on the expense of your spouse.

 

Why not then have an open marriage that way your husband can find another woman to make him even happier too.

[privategal]

Our relationship began before my marriage. But I didn't want to inquire about or talk about marriage just the fallout of an ea and how I can cope and move forward after so much time.

[DKT3]

Our relationship began before my marriage. But I didn't want to inquire about or talk about marriage just the fallout of an ea and how I can cope and move forward after so much time.

 

But its really all one thing. If this other guy is the man you love why end it? Why not let the two unloved unwanted spouses go so you can have your "twin flame"

 

Life is too short, and far too short to be manipulated into being someones "because I can't have him guy".

 

My point is if this relationship is that important why not commit to it? It started before marriage so what stopped it?

 

The anwser to that question holds the anwser to the question you asked here. Alone with that commit to your husband and marriage, doing so from the start would make it next to impossible to be in this situation.

 

I get that you would like to compartmentalize here, but the truth is being fully comitted to one room makes the second irrelavent. I don't know which guys stands in which room, through I will say the one you decide on shouldn't be because you can't have the one you want.

[Friskyone4u]

Just amazed you could carry on EA for so long in same city and not turn it into PA. You sure about that one???

 

You have right . Move on an maintain NC

[whichwayisup]

Our relationship began before my marriage. But I didn't want to inquire about or talk about marriage just the fallout of an ea and how I can cope and move forward after so much time.

 

Then how do you know if you're truly happy with your husband? You've basically had two men meeting all your needs from day one of your marriage. Does your husband know him? Or has the other guy been kept a secret?

 

The thing is, what you didn't inquire to talk about on here actually does affect how you move forward in so many ways.

[DKT3]

Just amazed you could carry on EA for so long in same city and not turn it into PA. You sure about that one???

 

You have right . Move on an maintain NC

 

Could have been a pretty one sided thing, he didn't seem interested in her sexually according to what she has shared to this point.

[privategal]

But its really all one thing. If this other guy is the man you love why end it? Why not let the two unloved unwanted spouses go so you can have your "twin flame"

 

Life is too short, and far too short to be manipulated into being someones "because I can't have him guy".

 

My point is if this relationship is that important why not commit to it? It started before marriage so what stopped it?

 

The anwser to that question holds the anwser to the question you asked here. Alone with that commit to your husband and marriage, doing so from the start would make it next to impossible to be in this situation.

 

I get that you would like to compartmentalize here, but the truth is being fully comitted to one room makes the second irrelavent. I don't know which guys stands in which room, through I will say the one you decide on shouldn't be because you can't have the one you want.

 

What you're saying might be more relevant if there was still a choice to be made as to whether to keep ap or not. He made the choice to go.

So the choice was made.

 

But when we both had a choice, I didn't ever even doubt for a moment whether I should be with my husband. I want to always wanted to.

In this century its naive to think that all moral guidelines around marriage are the same and that all marriages are black and white.

Unfortunately millions of people bethrothed do love others.

It can happen, it does happen, it happened to me.

[privategal]

Just amazed you could carry on EA for so long in same city and not turn it into PA. You sure about that one???

 

You have right . Move on an maintain NC

 

Im sure I would remember if it was a pa...

We didnt meet ever alone always in a crowd, always limited time

A few hours at a bar. I saw him every few months, the rest calls texts and emails.

There was touching during goodbyes, kisses not full on but on the lips. It was extreme self control. His guilt too was strong and he loves his wife alot I presume, so I think he could feel by not succumbing to pa he wasn't crossing a line.

[GirlStillStrong]

How are you doing today? My heart is heavy the past day or so, letting go of MM, his strength and support in my life, and all the hopes and dreams I had for our future. Have been tempted to call him a couple of times but I know that will get me back into a situation that is not conducive to what I want for my life. It's difficult, I'm depressed, and even distraught at times but I know I'll get through this. Life goes on. I broke one of my own long-held rules, which is not to get involved with married or even separated men, so I guess I (re-)learned my lesson.

[Rainbowlove]

Our relationship began before my marriage. But I didn't want to inquire about or talk about marriage just the fallout of an ea and how I can cope and move forward after so much time.

 

How you move forward from here is to just keep moving forward.

 

You allow yourself to really feel the pain of letting him go. It's going to take you a long time. Don't expect to feel better over night or anytime soon. And unfortunately, you are going to feel extremely alone in your pain b/c you can't share it with your husband. So that means a lot of emotions up and down and that means crying when you are doing dishes and blaming it on peeling onions...

 

However, I do think as time goes by and if you do your work, you'll begin to see things a little differently (maybe).

 

NC has a way of changing our perspective of what was real and what wasn't very real.

 

Please stick with NC and give yourself a chance to come back to you. I have a feeling you lost a bit of yourself over time trying to balance two men in your life.

[privategal]

Something you said in another post gave me the chills, it hurt to read but I think it would be therapeutic for me to understand it as theres a small peice of me that feels he did the same as you...

You wrote (paraphrasing) "I knew when I left her it would take years to get over her" how did you make peace then to let go of someone you loved so deeply ingrained in your soul? What did uou do with the thoughts of pain it would bring to her and you?

Its not even a question or doubt as to whether he truly loved me.

I just wonder in the end why dont you just keep it simple and just keep on loving?

For us there was some drama but very little as we didn't have the complexity of ever building a future beyond the promises to always be friends and have eachothers back.

Neither of us wanted more time or had jealousy per se of spouses or the like. It seemed simple to just check in every day and share a laugh, some love and support. It didnt seem to hinder our lives or take away from our primary relationships. So sometimes I think...whats the big deal? Why the breakup? If someone adds to your life even if its not fitting to the social standard or old fashioned tradition, its still a friend who loves you and why cut that out if its gonna hurt both parties? Thank you for your support.

Im still moving forward. My dignity and pride wont allow me to reach out and try to be where Im not wanted, I WILL stay NC.

Looking for answers may seem like dwelling, but its in the interest of healing.

[privategal]

How are you doing today? My heart is heavy the past day or so, letting go of MM, his strength and support in my life, and all the hopes and dreams I had for our future. Have been tempted to call him a couple of times but I know that will get me back into a situation that is not conducive to what I want for my life. It's difficult, I'm depressed, and even distraught at times but I know I'll get through this. Life goes on. I broke one of my own long-held rules, which is not to get involved with married or even separated men, so I guess I (re-)learned my lesson.

 

I do hurt. Im off work and home alone. Where I used to get up and smile and feel inspired to start the day and do some work, I feel kinda small and useless and alone. I too feel NC is the best course. Im trying to channel gratitude and even some anger. I think Im in a new city, hes stuck in the same place, same job, I feel it will even be harder for him to move on.

Many articles state the dumper suffers more sometimes.

I do think time heals. I look for stories on here that point that out, that the deep pain and greif fade in time. I want to rush past this stage but we can't, gotta go through it. Really sucks.

I hope you STAY NC, block him and feel better each day.

[Realist3]

Something you said in another post gave me the chills, it hurt to read but I think it would be therapeutic for me to understand it as theres a small peice of me that feels he did the same as you...

You wrote (paraphrasing) "I knew when I left her it would take years to get over her" how did you make peace then to let go of someone you loved so deeply ingrained in your soul? What did uou do with the thoughts of pain it would bring to her and you?

Its not even a question or doubt as to whether he truly loved me.

I just wonder in the end why dont you just keep it simple and just keep on loving?

For us there was some drama but very little as we didn't have the complexity of ever building a future beyond the promises to always be friends and have eachothers back.

Neither of us wanted more time or had jealousy per se of spouses or the like. It seemed simple to just check in every day and share a laugh, some love and support. It didnt seem to hinder our lives or take away from our primary relationships. So sometimes I think...whats the big deal? Why the breakup? If someone adds to your life even if its not fitting to the social standard or old fashioned tradition, its still a friend who loves you and why cut that out if its gonna hurt both parties? Thank you for your support.

Im still moving forward. My dignity and pride wont allow me to reach out and try to be where Im not wanted, I WILL stay NC.

Looking for answers may seem like dwelling, but its in the interest of healing.

 

What were your arguments about?

[Rainbowlove]

You wrote (paraphrasing) "I knew when I left her it would take years to get over her" how did you make peace then to let go of someone you loved so deeply ingrained in your soul? What did you do with the thoughts of pain it would bring to her and you?

 

I'm still making peace with it. I still have my days when it hurts like hell, but those days are less and the pain is not nearly as intense as it was a year ago.

 

Making peace with letting her go is a process; a day to day process. I've learned to accept the good days with the bad and I try not to control them or my emotions. If I'm struggling, I let myself struggle until it passes and it does pass. I expect to experience these waves of pain and missing for as long as it takes. I'm in no hurry to wish it away b/c it's teaching me.

 

I think once someone is in your soul like that they always will be. She's a part of me in everything I do. Not being with her doesn't take away my love for her.

 

I know why I came into her life and how meeting me has change her life. I know why she came into my life and how meeting her has change my life. We were destined to meet, to love and say goodbye.

 

I accept that I was a stepping stone in her life. And even though I know we were both hurt very badly by having to say goodbye, I believe it was the right thing to do for both of us.

 

We will both heal. We will both move on. I'll always love and remember her and want her happiness and safety in life.

 

What lessons has meeting him taught you? I focus on my own learning and healing, rather than the loss of her and us.