He dropped me

[privategal]

Its not about that, its time for you to redirect your focus. Either commit to your marriage or maybe its time to let your husband go. You are actually stealing his life at this point. He deserves a woman who loves and longs for him the way you do for this other guy.

 

All this energy you've spent on this guy, all the years that your husband could have had to find a woman willing to give him that energy.

 

I'm sure this isn't a topic you want to talk about, but you need a reality check and a jolt to redirect your focus or should I say direct your focus since it seems your focus has always been this other guy.

 

Stop stealing your husbands life, focus on him or let him go.

 

Id like for you to stop hijacking my threads.

Its not the topic and I feel its out of line.

Especially after my comment back to you, you should have stepped back.

 

Please kindly not post replies to me on my threads..

Thank you.

[Ruffian1]

OP: I just really wanted to understand what caused him after so long to cut me off after so many expressions of happiness and feeling blessed to have my friendship and how we'll always be friends and stick together.

 

 

Why don't you just ask him. You have been with him for 20 yrs, certainly you have the ability to talk candidly and openly about this with him, no?

[privategal]

OP: I just really wanted to understand what caused him after so long to cut me off after so many expressions of happiness and feeling blessed to have my friendship and how we'll always be friends and stick together.

 

 

Why don't you just ask him. You have been with him for 20 yrs, certainly you have the ability to talk candidly and openly about this with him, no?

I cant ask him, we had a MINOR, so minor disagreement, if it was even THAT, and he was DONE, no discussion he was just out.

I poured my heart out after in a few emails but his only response was we needed to go our seperate ways. I told him I hated him for doing this, expressed lots of anger at being coldly cut off without discussion...he wished me well, I told him never ever come back or contact me again. Weve been in strict NC (not even sure he knows what that means) but my dignity is at stake, he asked that we move on so I am.

Contacting him would be seen as attention seeking and would show him I cant let go.

Plus I said dont ever come back or contact me again...then I email him? I can't.

[privategal]

Wow! I did not catch the part of you being involved that long. I thought mine was for being longer than a few years, but yours spanned almost a lifetime. So much :love: to you!

 

Thank u I know. Only a small fraction of that was EA. But still...longgg

[privategal]

He will come around. Men when mad, steam and disconnect, go silent. When they recollect their wits and thoughts and feel they can talk, they come back. Especially if it was a minor argument. If this is not the case, I apologize for my input.

I have broken up with mine again and told him to never contact me again. I was not as nice as you. I called him an utter failure and how does it feel to be inadequate and on and on. We have been together awhile, but I have a feeling i severed the line beyond repair which is for the best.

I hope things mend as you please.

 

He wont be back. I asked him to never write me again ever.

Awe but Im sorry for you too. Big hugs. If it makes u feel better, I wasn't nice ...but I started nice, really tried...then....RAGE...expressing hate even. Terrible.

Id have preferred the friendship die a natural death like we slowly grow apart, Im sure we all wish for a different ending.

I did go to ic in past. I have fear of abandonment and read this week that rage is common its a natural response like a defense mechanism. I went into panic crisis mode. I didn't take it well, I was horrified and shocked.

 

You are right however, if you did damage beyond all hope, it is for the best. When you later forgive him, apologize to him mentally from the heart for closure. Ive heard the person recieves it. Plus maybe it helps let go.

Im a LONG loonnggg way from there.

 

I moved away in Nov and since it had been a tough road for us over the years, and this was a chance to start fresh, I was pulling away slightly preparing for a peaceful goodbye...forever, he sensed it, felt it and did EVERYTHING to stay close convincing me the friendship was worth it and we could stick together. So he called, wrote, everyday, kept himself CLOSE...then broke it off. Keep thinking HE needed to be the one to walk away but make sure his memory would be here first, learn my patterns, hear about new city and job and get all the insight...then BAIL. It really hurt cause I could have began fresh here without him. He almost forced his way here with me mentally. Its excruciating all the whys...sorry for the rant. Im wishing you healing and peace.

[Josmatjes]

I cant ask him, we had a MINOR, so minor disagreement, if it was even THAT, and he was DONE, no discussion he was just out.

I poured my heart out after in a few emails but his only response was we needed to go our seperate ways. I told him I hated him for doing this, expressed lots of anger at being coldly cut off without discussion...he wished me well, I told him never ever come back or contact me again. Weve been in strict NC (not even sure he knows what that means) but my dignity is at stake, he asked that we move on so I am.

Contacting him would be seen as attention seeking and would show him I cant let go.

Plus I said dont ever come back or contact me again...then I email him? I can't.

I told my ap that I never wanted to hear from him ever again and that he was dead to me! Yep...that did it..so far 1 month.... No texts....I did run into him briefly but it was awkward and we still haven't texted each other so I think it's finally over.

You get stronger everyday... I'm starting to do things that I forgot I enjoyed....being me again...give yourself a chance to heal,it's still fresh...

[privategal]

I told my ap that I never wanted to hear from him ever again and that he was dead to me! Yep...that did it..so far 1 month.... No texts....I did run into him briefly but it was awkward and we still haven't texted each other so I think it's finally over.

You get stronger everyday... I'm starting to do things that I forgot I enjoyed....being me again...give yourself a chance to heal,it's still fresh...

 

I did read your story and sympathized with you.

Its good that its over for you.

Its hard to see the good for me now, but I think it will come if I stay gone and in NC.

I have swings where I feel like just write me already...that says to me Im in denial or bargaining.

I just passed the phase where I've wanted to write and still try and bury the axe and be his friend...I almost wrote several times earlier in the week. Ive gone to my car each day on my break at work and break down in private cause I have to force smiles and cheer all day.

Once this phase passes and winter passes I have hope.

Its cold, snowy, gray...and I can't get out much to just see life and have adventures.

I need that. I cant wait to smile again. I dont have friends in the new city either so it gets lonely, I travel and work a TON so theres not much time to meet people.

Blah. I hope you stop shopping in the place u ran into your XAP at. Seeing him will rip the bandaid off every time. Best way is to be dead to them and vice versa.

So prroud of you for one month. Keep going forward.

[stellamaria]

Aww, I sympathise with both of you.

 

I am in a similar position. My AP was my best friend, since school (we are 34 now) and we've helped each other through a lot. It was just friendship except we had a one night stand in 2009 and then in Nov last year we briefly turned it into a PA.

 

Now we're NC. There has been a big fall out. He's playing the field and rubbing my face in it and I have lashed out in rage, hurt, confusion, desperation and all of that. He hasn't been the nicest of guys either - he's diagnosed narcissistic personality and truly sees things differently to me. He has betrayed me and proved time and time again he has no regard for my feelings or wellbeing, and he's sent me to the edge of my sanity.

 

But I miss him so much.

 

I also have a happy marriage. Ah, sigh.

[Josmatjes]

Don't get me wrong..it's still hard.

It's like what rainbow love said, everyday is a new emotion that you are powerless over. The good news is that I'm going longer periods of not thinking about him and I think that is a step in the right direction. The no contact is key. You have to step out of the game. Cause it could goon forever.

There is a part of me that misses him but the other stronger part is mad .I'm angry at myself also...

[privategal]

Aww, I sympathise with both of you.

 

I am in a similar position. My AP was my best friend, since school (we are 34 now) and we've helped each other through a lot. It was just friendship except we had a one night stand in 2009 and then in Nov last year we briefly turned it into a PA.

 

Now we're NC. There has been a big fall out. He's playing the field and rubbing my face in it and I have lashed out in rage, hurt, confusion, desperation and all of that. He hasn't been the nicest of guys either - he's diagnosed narcissistic personality and truly sees things differently to me. He has betrayed me and proved time and time again he has no regard for my feelings or wellbeing, and he's sent me to the edge of my sanity.

 

But I miss him so much.

 

I also have a happy marriage. Ah, sigh.

Im so sorry, learn from me, not quite 2 decades but this was an old friend for many years until we had EAP then a similar torture to your began. It went on all these years, bad, great,.wonderful...repeat. Mine isn't narcissistic and I do believe he cared but not now.

I think since I moved away I can no longer serve him. Its a hard thing to deal with the fallout.

For YOU, it doesn't sound like you're in NC so he can still hurt you, you are keeping tabs and following who he is seeing.

You gotta let him go. Let this fallout be the final one.

I'm focused on my healing now and you can too but you're gonna have to close the door!!

[privategal]

Don't get me wrong..it's still hard.

It's like what rainbow love said, everyday is a new emotion that you are powerless over. The good news is that I'm going longer periods of not thinking about him and I think that is a step in the right direction. The no contact is key. You have to step out of the game. Cause it could goon forever.

There is a part of me that misses him but the other stronger part is mad .I'm angry at myself also...

 

I am not sure Im ready to let go, or want to. I dont have the choice so Im forced to. It takes 2 to be friends. We were a little different, our A has been over for many many months so we were truly friends. I thought we actually were the exception to all those people that say you cant be friends after. I thought we conquered it and made it. I guess I was dead wrong.

He was the type to HATE not to talk to me and he'd contact alllll the time, EVERY chance he got so I know with him not writing he truly let go and that's REALLY hard to accept. He doesn't need me anymore. I did nothing to deserve it, I was a great and loyal friend.

[beatcuff]

OP, i apologize in advance if you already addressed this, but i did read all the posts. you had a EA with him, never PA, you were never alone with him, you saw him a handful of times a year at social events, he made you feel good (said the right thing at the right time), he always appeared to put his W first.

 

what did HE think you had. it appears he thought you were just friends and never realized how much you wanted more.

 

this happened to me, very similar to your situation but over a 3 year period. it was only when a mutual friend came up to me and told me she was preparing to leave her H --- i realized how badly my 'being friendly' was misinterpreted. btw she never told me, we only had light fun conversations nearly always with others involved.

[privategal]

OP, i apologize in advance if you already addressed this, but i did read all the posts. you had a EA with him, never PA, you were never alone with him, you saw him a handful of times a year at social events, he made you feel good (said the right thing at the right time), he always appeared to put his W first.

 

what did HE think you had. it appears he thought you were just friends and never realized how much you wanted more.

 

this happened to me, very similar to your situation but over a 3 year period. it was only when a mutual friend came up to me and told me she was preparing to leave her H --- i realized how badly my 'being friendly' was misinterpreted. btw she never told me, we only had light fun conversations nearly always with others involved.

 

Oh no, there was never any misinterpretation on my part, we both knew after EA ended that we were settling for, trying hard for platonic.

I also put my spouse first and we didn't discuss spouses much, but when we did it was always positive. The chemistry remained strong on his behalf toward me, always complimentary always initiating every call and email to me, very engaged and connected, friendly but with affection, just not sexual, but always he was RIGHT on the line of EA again, we just kept control, I doubt either of us wanted to at ALL but we didn't want the A to risk marriages. So just being friends was a moral choice amongst us but make NO mistake, I read into nothing, he was ALL in with the friendship. ALL IN.

Its eeevvveeerrryyything I can do to not reach out to him RIGHT NOW.

So mixed up. Just because the friendship was awesome.

[Josmatjes]

I am not sure Im ready to let go, or want to. I dont have the choice so Im forced to. It takes 2 to be friends. We were a little different, our A has been over for many many months so we were truly friends. I thought we actually were the exception to all those people that say you cant be friends after. I thought we conquered it and made it. I guess I was dead wrong.

He was the type to HATE not to talk to me and he'd contact alllll the time, EVERY chance he got so I know with him not writing he truly let go and that's REALLY hard to accept. He doesn't need me anymore. I did nothing to deserve it, I was a great and loyal friend.

 

I understand. During my A, he couldn't go an hour without talking or texting. Needed to hear what I was doing , how I was. I definitely think he felt strong feelings for me, loved me. But our spouses will not even let us say hello.its so painful to me because I lost my best friend.

But when we realized we couldn't be friends anymore, he started to cut me off. Like he said he'd text and wouldn't, or he wouldn't ask how I was or he'd look like bored when I spoke...it hurt so bad. I still don't understand how someone can turn off emotions like that. I always believed that when you love...you love forever....

I know it's for the best though, doesn't make it any easier but I'm slowly getting my life back.....you will too!

[Rainbowlove]

but always he was RIGHT on the line of EA again, we just kept control, I doubt either of us wanted to at ALL but we didn't want the A to risk marriages.

 

PG, I really think this is your answer.

 

If he didn't want to risk his marriage and realized there was a part of him that was always battling to keep it platonic, maybe he realized he was losing that battle or just simply didn't want to battle anymore.

 

I get it.

 

I could never be just friends with my XAP and I know she could never be just friends with me. It would be a big lie. We'd always want more and more of each other, physically and emotionally.

 

You were never physical with him, but perhaps that urge kept nagging at him and the pain of it and the internal struggle to keep you and him safe and at arms length and his internal betrayal of his wife became too much to bear.

 

Who knows why, but it seems plausible to me.

[stellamaria]

Im so sorry, learn from me, not quite 2 decades but this was an old friend for many years until we had EAP then a similar torture to your began. It went on all these years, bad, great,.wonderful...repeat. Mine isn't narcissistic and I do believe he cared but not now.

I think since I moved away I can no longer serve him. Its a hard thing to deal with the fallout.

For YOU, it doesn't sound like you're in NC so he can still hurt you, you are keeping tabs and following who he is seeing.

You gotta let him go. Let this fallout be the final one.

I'm focused on my healing now and you can too but you're gonna have to close the door!!

Yeah, I agree. Thanks for your advice.

 

We are in complete NC now. Blocked on IM and social media. This fallout is the last one. We tried for 6 weeks or so to be friends and that was when he was flaunting his dates in my face. Now we're NC. I don't have a clue who he's seeing. I doubt anyone would hang around for long, he's been single for 10 years or so and not really in an emotional place to actually be in a relationship. But then again I did, so...

 

I was addicted to the high of having his infatuation, being infatuated in return, but then there was the lows that really, this was never gonna end well. He needed more than an affair, and I couldn't have left my H, wouldn't want to.

 

But I am grieving the loss of what I thought for many years was a real friendship.

[Biere123]

Stella, why wouldn't you leave?

[privategal]

I understand. During my A, he couldn't go an hour without talking or texting. Needed to hear what I was doing , how I was. I definitely think he felt strong feelings for me, loved me. But our spouses will not even let us say hello.its so painful to me because I lost my best friend.

But when we realized we couldn't be friends anymore, he started to cut me off. Like he said he'd text and wouldn't, or he wouldn't ask how I was or he'd look like bored when I spoke...it hurt so bad. I still don't understand how someone can turn off emotions like that. I always believed that when you love...you love forever....

I know it's for the best though, doesn't make it any easier but I'm slowly getting my life back.....you will too!

 

I completely understand you. Maybe he was coming out of the fog. Really facing that its going to be harder and riskier for him to have you around and started feeling like what's the point. He may have loved you at the time, but the trauma of his d-day forced him to really look at what he is doing and it got very real and heavy fo.

[privategal]

PG, I really think this is your answer.

 

If he didn't want to risk his marriage and realized there was a part of him that was always battling to keep it platonic, maybe he realized he was losing that battle or just simply didn't want to battle anymore.

 

I get it.

 

I could never be just friends with my XAP and I know she could never be just friends with me. It would be a big lie. We'd always want more and more of each other, physically and emotionally.

 

You were never physical with him, but perhaps that urge kept nagging at him and the pain of it and the internal struggle to keep you and him safe and at arms length and his internal betrayal of his wife became too much to bear.

 

Who knows why, but it seems plausible to me.

 

Maybe so but we weren't discussing that, that we couldn't have the A anymore or all the longing or pain of not being together. We were just being cool, talking about life, career, family, mostly easier things, it was underlying maybe but we just weren't really always talking about us...more just being penpals and being fun support and getting through life.

Im mentally exhausted and EVERY minute my heart is saying reach out and fix this, then my mind is cruelly reminding me he doesn't want to hear from me, he wants to move on...then the tears, eff this whole process.

We should just be normal. I wasn't asking for more time, attention, wasn't over communicating, being needy, bringing up affair. I just feel so mixed up.

[privategal]

I know this will be merged with my other thread but for now, please give me strength not to reach out to my xeap whom for several months after the A we were having success at being friends.

A falling out led to NC and I believe a final end.

Please help me not to break NC.

I thought I saw progress but my hand is on the trigger to reach out, fix it, fix friendship, apologize, anything just to feel better and normal.

I dont have any friends in my new city, I need my friend back, I hate being strangers and the void.

I need hope that if I keep going I can make it.

Im broken bad, Im embarrassed Im not coping better.

I feel the anger fade and the heart soften to just reach out and make amends.

It was left so bitterly, more on my end.

Help me be strong. Tell me if you went nc and never went back.

How your life is better? There isnt anyone out there who feels reaching out could help right?

I need you guys Im sorry.

[Friskyone4u]

Take your hand off the trigger. If you don't you will have many more days of feeling like you do now.

You will be right back where you started if you do not stay NC , being used and at some point discarded.

 

Strength to you. Go total dark

[eye of the storm]

Just keep breathing. Take a bath, go for a walk, google cat videos (how can you be sad when watching cat videos?!)

 

Do not break NC.

 

You can do this!

[Rainbowlove]

I emailed a couple times to say lets let this go and just have a nice normal friendship, arguments blow over...but he just said we have to go it alone now, that he doesn't want this arguing for us, he is too stressed for it and he doesn't want to do this to me anymore either.

 

You did reach out already a couple of times and he gave you an answer.

 

You are in a pattern with him that is negative. Push/pull and unhealthy.

 

You could contact him again and risk being rejected. Or he says, okay, let's keep at this...

 

And then you feel better until next time he goes cold and shuts you off.

 

You are looking for a way to avoid the pain. You can't avoid it. You have to walk through it.

 

I'm sorry, I wish there was an easier way to let go and say goodbye. There isn't.

 

But in the end, it's your call. You can reach out or you can try to overcome.

 

It does get easier. Even easier sucks sometimes, but we just keep walking thru it.

 

Mumford & Sons, Below My Feet

 

 

This song helps me keep walking....

Edited February 6, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Josmatjes]

I'm 9 months past dday and 1 month no texting ( ecxecept for my run in) .

In the beginning o tried nc like 3 times and I couldn't get past 3 weeks...felt like someone ad ripped my soul out. The pain was almost unbearable, I missed him so much . I wanted him back but I slowly realized over time that he was gone and not coming back. It's been a really reality check for me.

Don't text honor call. Keep your dignity. Take it one day at a time and I swear it does get a little easier every day. Also read the post on here. Private message me or anyone if you need to talk. We are all supportive of each other here.

Hugs....

[privategal]

Something stirred my emotions badly, very badly today, I literally was on my knees sobbing onto my bed. But I pulled together, I looked a wreck but I got out of the house, got some errands run, feel a little stronger and kept my dignity. I know I wont reach out this weekend. Im hoping with some dates with my hubby and some rest I will feel better and stronger next week. Thank you to those who sent support. Keep it coming, I want to succeed, I think I am just feeling low without any friends and rejected and unloved.

I miss my friend, not any affair or rejection, just that feeling of peace and knowing someone loves you and is in your corner was of great comfort to me.

I'll do my best to find comfort within, and focus. I've been praying around the clock and am not extremely religious but am only able to tolerate christian music as it doesn't stir my emotions like popular music. Oh man.