He dropped me

[Sarabi]

Just keep breathing. Take a bath, go for a walk, google cat videos (how can you be sad when watching cat videos?!)

 

Do not break NC.

 

You can do this!

 

Cole and Marmalade Cat Logic and a Cats Guide to Bathrooms

 

Cats being jerks

 

and as recommended to me by a lovely fellow Loveshacker, the Dear Kitten videos

All thoroughly hilarious and make me desperately wish I had a fun loving furry friend of my own to keep me entertained.

 

Back on topic; Yes. I went through NC for more than a year...And then have had brief contact and seen him(not planned, ran into him somewhere) since BUT...can safely say I feel virtually nothing now and am over it. No feelings of love. Certainly NO feelings of dislike or hate. I don't think about him all the time. Don't pine...I wish him well and hope he and his family are happy but I have no wish to go back to that place. He asked to be friends late last year but...its really not for me.

 

AND...you might not find it useful but I did have to force myself to stick to it initially. I even set a reminder on my phone when it would be 100 days since I did not contact him. I forgot I had set it so when that alarm went off, I was so happy I made a thread about it here

 

Consequently, I focused on other things last year; taking lots of overtime so I could go travelling for several friend's weddings and seeing some of my favourite singers/bands in concert.

 

You will get there

[privategal]

I just really really cant let go.

Every minute I think, just send an email to make amends.

I was so bitter, so hurt and acted out badly.

They say you cant be friends but we made it, we were successfully at it long after the A ended.

It was hard but we did it.

I think it broke because it was a Self fulfilling phrophecy.

I was always afraid because of my fear of abandonment disorder that my constant fears willed it to happen though I wasn't always verbal about it always, sometimes I was.

That fear would cause me sometimes to bring up the past and him leaving our friendship before. He had apologized in past for it and maybe felt I wouldn't ever stop bringing it up and he'd be punished for it forever.

Ive gone to ic, and continue to adjust and change.

Im terribly sad.

I said for him never to write again, so he won't.

But I want to, so much. I can't bear to lose this friendship.

Please, should I write? I don't want to let go, I don't know how.

[Josmatjes]

Can you go to your husband for support?

[privategal]

Can you go to your husband for support?

 

I have.

He knows the friendship dissolved.

He has helped me through alot.

[MuddyRock]

You say you were successfully "only friends" after the affair. You are in denial you weren't still in an emotional affair. Think about the way you are feeling, behaving, and having withdrawels. Ask yourself if you had had a falling out and stopped talking to your best female friend, if you would be feeling this way and obscessing. This is why you can't still be friends. Because it isn't just friends. Maybe this will help you realize you must let go.

[privategal]

You say you were successfully "only friends" after the affair. You are in denial you weren't still in an emotional affair. Think about the way you are feeling, behaving, and having withdrawels. Ask yourself if you had had a falling out and stopped talking to your best female friend, if you would be feeling this way and obscessing. This is why you can't still be friends. Because it isn't just friends. Maybe this will help you realize you must let go.

 

 

You are both right and wrong but the point remains there comes a time to let go. Ive made good strides toward that. Its time to start my life again. Thank you to those who reached out to help and wish everyone the best in their healing.

[jellybean89]

Does your H know you had an affair? Does he see you crying and behaving as if someone died?

 

You are still in an emotional affair .. He isn't. You can let him go, you just don't want to. I agree with the poster who said if this had been a female friend, would you be acting like this? Doubtful. Let it go. Crying and being depressed aren't going to make you friends with him again. Move on.

[privategal]

Does your H know you had an affair? Does he see you crying and behaving as if someone died?

 

You are still in an emotional affair .. He isn't. You can let him go, you just don't want to. I agree with the poster who said if this had been a female friend, would you be acting like this? Doubtful. Let it go. Crying and being depressed aren't going to make you friends with him again. Move on.

 

Maybe read up before you throw in one last dig jb, I said I was moving on. People grieve.

And at least I had the courage to share my story. You never shared yours. Just your insulting judgemental advice. Thanks.

[privategal]

Had a friendship breakup. A former ex where we tried to be friends later.

 

I showed ALL kinds of crazy over email from angry to extreme sadness, I lost it. Felt so alone and went temporarily crazy in my greif, it was too much. My coping skills weren't straight at the time.

 

My question is, if you broke up with her and she kept writing and contacting, were you ever able to forgive her once it stopped?

 

Its stopped on my end of course, Nc, but its hard to move on feeling Im looked at like a psycho now. I didn't plead for it to come back together, I just poured out ALL my heart and sorrow and emotion, and some extreme anger too. Humiliated myself.

 

Do you feel he will ever remember I was an awesome person, and not think Im a nut job?

Did you ever forgive a person later for losing it?

 

I know I will hear move on, who cares what he thinks, I get it, I am going forward, but please your perspective will help me as I do. Especially males perspective please.

 

Thanks for those of you who take time to write.

Wish everyone the best in their healing.

[PegNosePete]

I know I will hear move on, who cares what he thinks, I get it, I am going forward, but please your perspective will help me as I do. Especially males perspective please.

Exactly. Who cares what he thinks? He is your ex. His opinion matters zero. What matters, is what you think of yourself, your self-esteem. Did you learn from your actions? Are you a stronger person now? If the answer is yes then you are moving on. You need to live your life for you, not for him or for anyone else on the planet.

[seminoles84]

I went off on my last ex on 1/1/15. I also went a little crazy. It happens but honestly although I feel sort of bad and wish I didn't stoop so low, I think it helped me seal the deal and move on quicker. I haven't spoken to her since and it's actually made my life 10x less stressful! We were best friends before we tried dating and dating pretty much ruined that. Watch the video in my sig and just move on. It's too hard to be friends if you have any sort of lingering feelings. I'm sure down the road you could be friends as I'm sure I'll be friends with her at some point again.. but right after is not a good idea.

 

Best of luck!

[mightycpa]

If he's ever felt that way, I think it is easy to understand. If not, you probably do look like a nutjob.

 

If that's the case, don't worry about it. Almost everybody goes through this at least once. When he does, he'll think about you at some point, and finally be able to get what you were going through.

[Ieris]

When I was 16 I went crazy... he met some other girl la di da and 3 years later he reached out to me. He was so sorry how he treated me back then, that he knows what it feels like but we became really good friends after. He just called me 2 minutes ago actually... weird how things turn out.

[privategal]

Im really sad the moderators moved this here, I posted on breakups cause I wanted a new perspective, it shouldn't be moved to this board from another if it applies to that board right?

Either way you guys seem to have given up on me. I still need help.

The level of crazy insures friendship wont be restored but will he ever remember me as good and nice again and forgive me for all the emails with crazy emotions?

Embarrassed. They say post here instead of writing him...dont give up on me guys.

[Rainbowlove]

Im really sad the moderators moved this here, I posted on breakups cause I wanted a new perspective, it shouldn't be moved to this board from another if it applies to that board right?

Either way you guys seem to have given up on me. I still need help.

The level of crazy insures friendship wont be restored but will he ever remember me as good and nice again and forgive me for all the emails with crazy emotions?

Embarrassed. They say post here instead of writing him...dont give up on me guys.

 

No one is given up on you. It's okay.

 

Yes, he will forgive you. He will likely remember your angry words as well as the kinder more lovable you.

 

My XAP went crazy on me too a bit. I understood it as pain. I also understood it as deserved on my end.

 

Let's see, she called me a coward, ****ed-up, not worth it...said F U a million times to me, lots of angry scarcastic emails and text messages until I finally changed my number. It hurt too much to see her hurting and knowing I caused it, but could do nothing else.

 

She recently apologized and asked for forgiveness.

 

I never held it against her.

[privategal]

I do wish I had a magic wand and could tell you when he will contact you. I know it is painful and hard to sit and wait.

 

No, no. He wont write again. It was totally uncharacteristic of me but I lost it, I went crazy, when I could see he was done I went from apologizing (I did NOTHING wrong) to anger and rage saying fu, I hate you, to expressing deep heartbreak, to dont ever write me again, to Ok Im sorry. Its like I panicked , blacked out, got ill mentally (Im normally balanced) and I cant say one more thing ever, my dignity is in the gutter, my emotions wrecked, nothing can be salvaged and nothing major even happened to break it. I just treasured the friendship, some may call ea, fine, but Id say no. We just found our balance and it was an awesome cherished friendship. I loved it. Im just lost.

It cant be saved, he threw it out, then I wrecked it and made sure it was destroyed beyond recognition. Thats hurting me more.

I went away for work this week, flew to another city...thought grieving privately would help and the distractions of an unfamiliar city would help too...nope...I fell apart, didnt sleep or eat, I looked gaunt and exhausted and felt mental. After 4 unplanned messages to him this week, I was so embarrassed. I wrote to apologize too.

Im not ok. I don't know why Ive been hit SO hard but my own actions put me deeper in pain cause of the embarrassment.

[privategal]

No one is given up on you. It's okay.

 

Yes, he will forgive you. He will likely remember your angry words as well as the kinder more lovable you.

 

My XAP went crazy on me too a bit. I understood it as pain. I also understood it as deserved on my end.

 

Let's see, she called me a coward, ****ed-up, not worth it...said F U a million times to me, lots of angry scarcastic emails and text messages until I finally changed my number. It hurt too much to see her hurting and knowing I caused it, but could do nothing else.

 

She recently apologized and asked for forgiveness.

 

I never held it against her.

 

I feel its because you were the dumper and prepared to let her go and because you are a nice person thats why you kept your cool. I feel hos energy thinking as he reads my messages "shut up and go away, or leave me alone" but I truly was an awesome supportive loyal friend. I didn't deserve this. I feel so bad.

But 4 days ago after I made it 8-9 days nc, I had my balance, I told my H I cant stand to turn into strangers and become distant or feel like enemies, or lose any of my friends from back home...he said, write, tell him how you feel and you want to be friends again and why.

He DID reply, said he missed and thought of everything every day and that he just wasnt ready to be friends again.

My mind heard abandonment, rejection, and I wentl

Lowwww, instead of thinking he meant someday we could...I put nails in the coffin and glued it shut too. WHY? I am beside myself in greif and my insurance doesn't cover ic now but that didn't help last time anyways. This hurts real real bad cause its senseless.

[Tayla]

Tell your Husband to give you a hug...you seem to really need it.

[privategal]

All your pain and anguish makes me feel anxiety. Anxiety for you. I may not be the best for advice because I do not question my exmm motive or feelings for me because I have learned you should make yourself #1 and it is how you feel about them and NOT how they feel about you.

Question how he is treating you and how this makes you feel. How does this make you feel about him. If he is hurting you and making you feel down and out then this IS MUCH MORE important than only focusing on what and how he perceives you.

Place more value on yourself.

 

On the other hand if you are unable to think like this then you have to have patience and rubber band.

Rubber band is giving him space and a break to think things over, mull over issues, and get back with you when he is ready. Continuing to call or message him will stretch him farther away.

My thoughts are with you and I hope the pain eases up. It is not a nice feeling to be hurt and missing a friend.

 

Thank you for this. Giving him space is not an option he is gone and has pushed me away for good. I think I knew this time was permanent and thats why I took it so hard.

When I had the chance to leave it behind a few months back when I moved he could sense he was going to be left and so he pulled me closer in. He was just being the warmest, most supportive, caring, expressive...he REALLY wanted to stay friends through the move.

 

So once I decided we would stay friends and I wouldn't close that chapter

chapter, than I really believed we had graduated. All the pain and craziness we shared over the years, we survived it and we were just gonna stand by eachother as friends. It was the best feeling.

I value friends, I have only a handful of close ones, I dont have time to make more, and I dont need alot. But for him to be around so long was amazing and where I thought itd never break now that it survived us parting ways to new cities, it broke fast and easy and without warning. Its the shock thats pushed me this far.

I thought I did value myself. I thought I did. I guess I don't as my self esteem suffered horribly. And the month apart and all the emails made me look like a crazy lunatic when Im normally so cool, Im successful and independent and kind.

I really just feel like anyone would be lucky to have a friend like me. But I was cast away and feel degraded and I guess I had tied all my self worth to this friendship or something.

[privategal]

Tell your Husband to give you a hug...you seem to really need it.

 

He does. I came home from my trip this week to roses too. He loves me so much when I dont love myself at all.

[Rainbowlove]

Thank you for this. Giving him space is not an option he is gone and has pushed me away for good. I think I knew this time was permanent and thats why I took it so hard.

When I had the chance to leave it behind a few months back when I moved he could sense he was going to be left and so he pulled me closer in. He was just being the warmest, most supportive, caring, expressive...he REALLY wanted to stay friends through the move.

 

So once I decided we would stay friends and I wouldn't close that chapter

chapter, than I really believed we had graduated. All the pain and craziness we shared over the years, we survived it and we were just gonna stand by eachother as friends. It was the best feeling.

I value friends, I have only a handful of close ones, I dont have time to make more, and I dont need alot. But for him to be around so long was amazing and where I thought itd never break now that it survived us parting ways to new cities, it broke fast and easy and without warning. Its the shock thats pushed me this far.

I thought I did value myself. I thought I did. I guess I don't as my self esteem suffered horribly. And the month apart and all the emails made me look like a crazy lunatic when Im normally so cool, Im successful and independent and kind.

I really just feel like anyone would be lucky to have a friend like me. But I was cast away and feel degraded and I guess I had tied all my self worth to this friendship or something.

 

You have to make peace within yourself somehow.

 

You were broken and reacted like a broken person.

 

All the more reason to work towards letting him go. This relationship, as it stands in its current state, is not serving you well.

 

So you blew up. So what? You wigged out on him. So what?

 

He can't be your friend. Work on you. Day to day.

 

Don't crucify yourself for being human. You don't have to be perfect. Forgive yourself.

[privategal]

You have to make peace within yourself somehow.

 

You were broken and reacted like a broken person.

 

All the more reason to work towards letting him go. This relationship, as it stands in its current state, is not serving you well.

 

So you blew up. So what? You wigged out on him. So what?

 

He can't be your friend. Work on you. Day to day.

 

Don't crucify yourself for being human. You don't have to be perfect. Forgive yourself.

 

Thank you, I will try. I guess I could drone on and on and go over it a million times but if hes gone, thats it. Making peace with myself isn't a choice in the long run, I've got to keep living and fight my way back. I think I hit rock bottom this week being out of town alone. I sobbed and wailed I never saw or heard myself this way. I never knew I had these depths of pain inside me.

If I had just let it be he would have maybe seen the light, been able to think of his actions and maybe we would've had peace, he would've at least thought, i let go of a good friend.

But instead what all my emails put in his mind is that maybe he dodged a bullet, he would think now, Im dealing with someone who is crazy, he would think Im better off without this drama.

I hate that I couldn't stay away and be calm and cool and go on with my life.

Now I erased the good in me cause I lost it.

I told him I was deleting my email and changing my number and there would be no way to ever find me again. I know now I was doing now in hindsight was hoping he would say stop, dont, I was seeking reaction, seeking anything.

Im telling you we were such cool friends before this I couldn't BELIEVE he was serious,.and could leave it behind.

But its like you Rainbow, in the end you changed your number cause she went off the deep end. I feel thats what I did here, I pushed too far inadvertently, I made him want to forget me cause I took a painful thing and made it WAY more painful and disgraced myself.

I hoped he would just see I valued it and he hurt me bad. I thought if we could just talk.

I just cant understand,

Who throws people away?

I even don't understand why you threw your friend away too. I wonder that often. If you didn't hold it against her, why you didn't talk to her, comfort her, be nice to her and find a way to peace and understanding.

A friend makes you stronger if you can sort it out, you should've. I know I was just trying to sort it out.

[Rainbowlove]

Thank you, I will try. I guess I could drone on and on and go over it a million times but if hes gone, thats it. Making peace with myself isn't a choice in the long run, I've got to keep living and fight my way back. I think I hit rock bottom this week being out of town alone. I sobbed and wailed I never saw or heard myself this way. I never knew I had these depths of pain inside me.

If I had just let it be he would have maybe seen the light, been able to think of his actions and maybe we would've had peace, he would've at least thought, i let go of a good friend.

But instead what all my emails put in his mind is that maybe he dodged a bullet, he would think now, Im dealing with someone who is crazy, he would think Im better off without this drama.

I hate that I couldn't stay away and be calm and cool and go on with my life.

Now I erased the good in me cause I lost it.

I told him I was deleting my email and changing my number and there would be no way to ever find me again. I know now I was doing now in hindsight was hoping he would say stop, dont, I was seeking reaction, seeking anything.

Im telling you we were such cool friends before this I couldn't BELIEVE he was serious,.and could leave it behind.

But its like you Rainbow, in the end you changed your number cause she went off the deep end. I feel thats what I did here, I pushed too far inadvertently, I made him want to forget me cause I took a painful thing and made it WAY more painful and disgraced myself.

I hoped he would just see I valued it and he hurt me bad. I thought if we could just talk.

I just cant understand,

Who throws people away?

I even don't understand why you threw your friend away too. I wonder that often. If you didn't hold it against her, why you didn't talk to her, comfort her, be nice to her and find a way to peace and understanding.

A friend makes you stronger if you can sort it out, you should've. I know I was just trying to sort it out.

 

I tried many times to make peace with my XAP. She was not in a place for peace. I tried to comfort, explain, apologize and even said, I hope the day comes when you forgive me we can try to be in each other's life to some degree. But that thought is selfish on my end. It's unfair to all parties involved because we were not friends, we were lovers on a deep level.

 

In my mind, I didn't throw her away, though I'm sure she felt that and at the time of our ending, believed that's exactly what I was doing.

 

Our relationship had become toxic and unhealthy for me and for her too. We needed a break from the drama and pain. She was unable to do it, so I did and it sucked. It felt like I was falling on my own sword. I broke her heart and mine.

 

In our last correspondence, she said I was right and she did need me to let go. That doesn't mean she doesn't love me still and that I don't still love her. I do. I always will and told her that in our last email in Dec. She said she loved me too.

 

Painful. No way around it. Loving someone doesn't always mean hanging on to them is best. Sometimes a break is necessary.

 

I think of her daily. She fills my heart still and there's a place for her always.

 

I struggle still. This week has been hard. I've cried more this week than the last three months. And sometimes I'm like...why I am all the way back here to this painful place?

 

Truth is we are where we are. We need to find ways to ground and center ourselves. It's a daily intention to not contact her out of pain. I miss her deeply, but she needs me to leave her alone, so I will respect that and hope someday I get an email from her saying...I'm okay and happy. That may or may not ever happen. It's entirely up to her and for her to decide what she needs in her life.

 

Try to do the same. Let go and see where it takes you.

[privategal]

I tried many times to make peace with my XAP. She was not in a place for peace. I tried to comfort, explain, apologize and even said, I hope the day comes when you forgive me we can try to be in each other's life to some degree. But that thought is selfish on my end. It's unfair to all parties involved because we were not friends, we were lovers on a deep level.

 

In my mind, I didn't throw her away, though I'm sure she felt that and at the time of our ending, believed that's exactly what I was doing.

 

Our relationship had become toxic and unhealthy for me and for her too. We needed a break from the drama and pain. She was unable to do it, so I did and it sucked. It felt like I was falling on my own sword. I broke her heart and mine.

 

In our last correspondence, she said I was right and she did need me to let go. That doesn't mean she doesn't love me still and that I don't still love her. I do. I always will and told her that in our last email in Dec. She said she loved me too.

 

Painful. No way around it. Loving someone doesn't always mean hanging on to them is best. Sometimes a break is necessary.

 

I think of her daily. She fills my heart still and there's a place for her always.

 

I struggle still. This week has been hard. I've cried more this week than the last three months. And sometimes I'm like...why I am all the way back here to this painful place?

 

Truth is we are where we are. We need to find ways to ground and center ourselves. It's a daily intention to not contact her out of pain. I miss her deeply, but she needs me to leave her alone, so I will respect that and hope someday I get an email from her saying...I'm okay and happy. That may or may not ever happen. It's entirely up to her and for her to decide what she needs in her life.

 

Try to do the same. Let go and see where it takes you.

Im incredibly humbled by your story, I admire your strength. Im sorry you're hurting. I think in our stories I am her (your xap) and you are him (my xap)

I only wish friendship and peace were possible in the end, at this point I'd give anything but all the signs point to let go, give up, move on, and Im gearing up for a recovery and getting my peace back. So so grateful you shared.

[Rainbowlove]

Im incredibly humbled by your story, I admire your strength. Im sorry you're hurting. I think in our stories I am her (your xap) and you are him (my xap)

I only wish friendship and peace were possible in the end, at this point I'd give anything but all the signs point to let go, give up, move on, and Im gearing up for a recovery and getting my peace back. So so grateful you shared.

 

And that's really all we can do in the end. Find ways to comfort ourselves.

 

I've been at this battle for a long time. It seems endless somedays and even pathetically hopeless.

 

Just when I think I'm at the brink and can't possibly go on this way, I feel a little peace and happiness creep in. I try to hold on to those good feelings.

 

Before my affair, I was always a happy and peaceful person. To struggle to find inner peace and happiness again seems unnatural. It's been my biggest life's challenge.

 

When I finally get to wholeness again, I hope I'll say it was worth the journey. I'm not there yet, so I'll keep going one day at a time.

 

Stay strong.