He dropped me

[privategal]

I'm still making peace with it. I still have my days when it hurts like hell, but those days are less and the pain is not nearly as intense as it was a year ago.

 

Making peace with letting her go is a process; a day to day process. I've learned to accept the good days with the bad and I try not to control them or my emotions. If I'm struggling, I let myself struggle until it passes and it does pass. I expect to experience these waves of pain and missing for as long as it takes. I'm in no hurry to wish it away b/c it's teaching me.

 

I think once someone is in your soul like that they always will be. She's a part of me in everything I do. Not being with her doesn't take away my love for her.

 

I know why I came into her life and how meeting me has change her life. I know why she came into my life and how meeting her has change my life. We were destined to meet, to love and say goodbye.

 

I accept that I was a stepping stone in her life. And even though I know we were both hurt very badly by having to say goodbye, I believe it was the right thing to do for both of us.

 

We will both heal. We will both move on. I'll always love and remember her and want her happiness and safety in life.

 

What lessons has meeting him taught you? I focus on my own learning and healing, rather than the loss of her and us.

 

Still seems so backwards to love someone and have to let them go. Seems senseless and useless for some one to be part of you but not part of your life.

I dont know if Im in denial but it seems wrong not to be together in some fashion. To suddenmy becomes strangers is jarring and unatural.

 

Only lesson I learned maybe is highlighted abandonment issues that I didn't know I had til he abandoned me. Other than that I learned the deep pain of lost love, a lesson I could have lived without.

[Rainbowlove]

Still seems so backwards to love someone and have to let them go. Seems senseless and useless for some one to be part of you but not part of your life.

I dont know if Im in denial but it seems wrong not to be together in some fashion. To suddenmy becomes strangers is jarring and unatural.

 

Only lesson I learned maybe is highlighted abandonment issues that I didn't know I had til he abandoned me. Other than that I learned the deep pain of lost love, a lesson I could have lived without.

 

I think you are still in shock of it ending and yes, even a bit of denial.

 

He has severed the cord. It's brutal to have that connection and bond one minute and gone the next.

 

You were having an emotional affair with this man. It wasn't just friendship, that's the first part of denial. This was a long emotional affair.

 

He was clearly torn to pieces about how he felt about you and what it was doing to you and him and both your families.

 

I imagine he felt just as trapped and tortured as you. The highs and lows of the affair become normal because you feel when you don't have them, you are in such agony. So you take them back...over and over again to avoid feeling the hurt.

 

He's more than a friend to you. Let's start there. He was providing emotional support to you for over two decades.

 

Does your husband know about this OM? Sorry if I missed that part.

[privategal]

I think you are still in shock of it ending and yes, even a bit of denial.

 

He has severed the cord. It's brutal to have that connection and bond one minute and gone the next.

 

You were having an emotional affair with this man. It wasn't just friendship, that's the first part of denial. This was a long emotional affair.

 

He was clearly torn to pieces about how he felt about you and what it was doing to you and him and both your families.

 

I imagine he felt just as trapped and tortured as you. The highs and lows of the affair become normal because you feel when you don't have them, you are in such agony. So you take them back...over and over again to avoid feeling the hurt.

 

He's more than a friend to you. Let's start there. He was providing emotional support to you for over two decades.

 

Does your husband know about this OM? Sorry if I missed that part.

 

Yes, my husband knows he was my best guy friend other than himself. I know you arent tetinh to do so but I was avoiding talking about spouse just because I read time and time again the attacks on peoples marriages and holes punched in people saying I love my husband.

I just really wanted to understand what caused him after so long to cut me off after so many expressions of happiness and feeling blessed to have my friendship and how we'll always be friends and stick together. Wasn't ready for this, but will face it.

[Rainbowlove]

Yes, my husband knows he was my best guy friend other than himself. I know you arent tetinh to do so but I was avoiding talking about spouse just because I read time and time again the attacks on peoples marriages and holes punched in people saying I love my husband.

I just really wanted to understand what caused him after so long to cut me off after so many expressions of happiness and feeling blessed to have my friendship and how we'll always be friends and stick together. Wasn't ready for this, but will face it.

 

I for one know you can love your spouse and someone else at the same time.

 

No beatings from me.

 

You many never fully understand why he turned away from you - other than something about your relationship was causing him pain and he needed to stop the bleeding.

 

Take it in stride and know that you can heal from this.

 

Be strong.

[privategal]

thank you for your insights rainbowlove, hope for your healing too.

Its a tough part of life losing a friendship and love.

onward and upward I guess...thanx again!

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks PrivateGal and RainbowLove for posting your thoughts. I really needed to read them today.

[Lessons]

I'm still making peace with it. I still have my days when it hurts like hell, but those days are less and the pain is not nearly as intense as it was a year ago.

 

Making peace with letting her go is a process; a day to day process. I've learned to accept the good days with the bad and I try not to control them or my emotions. If I'm struggling, I let myself struggle until it passes and it does pass. I expect to experience these waves of pain and missing for as long as it takes. I'm in no hurry to wish it away b/c it's teaching me.

 

I think once someone is in your soul like that they always will be. She's a part of me in everything I do. Not being with her doesn't take away my love for her.

 

I know why I came into her life and how meeting me has change her life. I know why she came into my life and how meeting her has change my life. We were destined to meet, to love and say goodbye.

 

I accept that I was a stepping stone in her life. And even though I know we were both hurt very badly by having to say goodbye, I believe it was the right thing to do for both of us.

 

We will both heal. We will both move on. I'll always love and remember her and want her happiness and safety in life.

 

What lessons has meeting him taught you? I focus on my own learning and healing, rather than the loss of her and us.

 

Rainbowlove, this is a beautiful post. After many attempts to end our affair, this is where xMM and I are at today. He ended up divorcing, I am still married, and we will never be a "couple" in real life. . . and we are both okay with that now. We have both accepted that we were put on the same path to learn something together, and then move on. He sent me this link during one of our final postmortem conversations. It sounds similar to what you have experienced as well:

 

The Transition Person & The Interim Lover

 

Life is too short to look back and only feel bitterness when a relationship ends. I believe that everyone in our lives is put there for a reason, and even when we make "bad choices", we can learn and grow from the experience. You sound like you are further along in the healing process than I am, but I love your perspective. Thank you for sharing your healing journey - privategal and GirlStillStrong may not quite be ready to see that far into the future, but your words really touched me.

[privategal]

It has been since mid January since we've been friends.

Im still so upset. I just hate myself for having the opportunity to say goodbye and leave it all behind, with a new job a new city and no reminders here.

It really feels like he insisted to not say goodbye and be my friend as I transitioned here so he would not be the one who was left, but rather he would end it with me when he was ready, on his terms.

The thing that keeps me crying some days is...there was some pleading emails from me at the end, pleading to keep the friendship, pleading to get back to normal and let a silly argument go, then when he said we need to just move on and go our seperate ways, then the angry emails from me, probably 6 or more, full of rage...I would end them with "do not dare reply to me" and he wouldn't (when thats ALL I wanted was a reply truthfully).

 

Then...I finally say, I will begin healing and never reach out again and I dont want you to eithet, ever again. He responded kindly wishing me love, nothing but happiness and success.

It was STILL a slap in the face...he lives mr? Wishes me happiness?

Then WHY have to abandon the friendship he worked so hard to keep?

Over and over again he stressed, I want you in my life, together we are great, your a great friend, you taught me so much, lets not let arguments come between us...

Then....gone.

I dont know why I cant feel better. Theres no contact at all now, I won't reach out for dignity sake and healing, but the ending was so raw and hurtful and the forever not speaking again, its more than I can bare. Nearly 2 decades. How do you even begin to heal?

Im angry, restless, its hard to focus at work, I feel thrown away and left like trash.

I cant understand. Sadddddd. Help me???

[Wifeinpain]

Something you said in another post gave me the chills, it hurt to read but I think it would be therapeutic for me to understand it as theres a small peice of me that feels he did the same as you...

You wrote (paraphrasing) "I knew when I left her it would take years to get over her" how did you make peace then to let go of someone you loved so deeply ingrained in your soul? What did uou do with the thoughts of pain it would bring to her and you?

Its not even a question or doubt as to whether he truly loved me.

I just wonder in the end why dont you just keep it simple and just keep on loving?

For us there was some drama but very little as we didn't have the complexity of ever building a future beyond the promises to always be friends and have eachothers back.

Neither of us wanted more time or had jealousy per se of spouses or the like. It seemed simple to just check in every day and share a laugh, some love and support. It didnt seem to hinder our lives or take away from our primary relationships. So sometimes I think...whats the big deal? Why the breakup? If someone adds to your life even if its not fitting to the social standard or old fashioned tradition, its still a friend who loves you and why cut that out if its gonna hurt both parties? Thank you for your support.

Im still moving forward. My dignity and pride wont allow me to reach out and try to be where Im not wanted, I WILL stay NC.

Looking for answers may seem like dwelling, but its in the interest of healing.

 

Just curious if your spouses knew of your friendship, or if you had to hide it? I only wonder because it would be great if the other two spouses could be allowed to find that special friend to make them happy.

[Wifeinpain]

What you're saying might be more relevant if there was still a choice to be made as to whether to keep ap or not. He made the choice to go.

So the choice was made.

 

But when we both had a choice, I didn't ever even doubt for a moment whether I should be with my husband. I want to always wanted to.

In this century its naive to think that all moral guidelines around marriage are the same and that all marriages are black and white.

Unfortunately millions of people bethrothed do love others.

It can happen, it does happen, it happened to me.

 

Yes it can, but the others in the relationship should know the marriages are open so they can have it happen for them, as well.

[privategal]

I am not sure if these words will help and I feel the same as you do, hurt because of the lack of response to feelings and emotions. It feels like you are practice batting with a machine that is chucking balls with near sighted throws and 150 mph balls, it is impossible and there are no favorable outcomes to this.

I have been thinking that men who get involved in affairs that are not exit affairs or a love at first sight affair (cannot live without you) ARE unable to problem solve adequately and lack this not only in the affair but in their marriages also. Mr. Abysmal (exMM) in my case, has mentioned several times he wishes he never had gotten married, but chooses to stay. He is not good at comforting, loving, or being, 'that guy,' loving and comforting.

A man who is capable of true love, comforting, and caring are those who do not cheat, stand up, straighten their shirt, and leave the marriage before cheating. They are then able to date and provide the good character and redeeming qualities most women wish for.

I like to mind movie the men who are unable to cope effectively and employ the cheat and repeat behavior, as sitting at the house in their dirty undies, hand stuffed in the bacon streaked underwear, scratching their musty balls, all in the comfort of their family home.

 

Sorry to hear your struggling too.

Its just an aweful thing to have a world of hurt inside but not have the outlet or no relief.

Similiar to you picturing him in a disgraceful way, my only source of comfort is to hate him. Unfortunately I know this only keeps me mentally bonded to him so eventually I hope to forgive and FORGET.

It sucks to have let go of the A and at the pleading of him give true friendship a chance and I still paid.

Thought I was walking the straight line being platonic and good but now I lost twice, once in "love" then lost my friend.

Deserving here of the pain I know I am a horrible person but having zero love from parents growing up I waa always seeking more and more and more love.

 

Im trying to find my own love from within so I dont repeat the cycle. I will never befriend a male ever again, ever.

[Rainbowlove]

It has been since mid January since we've been friends.

Im still so upset. I just hate myself for having the opportunity to say goodbye and leave it all behind, with a new job a new city and no reminders here.

It really feels like he insisted to not say goodbye and be my friend as I transitioned here so he would not be the one who was left, but rather he would end it with me when he was ready, on his terms.

The thing that keeps me crying some days is...there was some pleading emails from me at the end, pleading to keep the friendship, pleading to get back to normal and let a silly argument go, then when he said we need to just move on and go our seperate ways, then the angry emails from me, probably 6 or more, full of rage...I would end them with "do not dare reply to me" and he wouldn't (when thats ALL I wanted was a reply truthfully).

 

Then...I finally say, I will begin healing and never reach out again and I dont want you to eithet, ever again. He responded kindly wishing me love, nothing but happiness and success.

It was STILL a slap in the face...he lives mr? Wishes me happiness?

Then WHY have to abandon the friendship he worked so hard to keep?

Over and over again he stressed, I want you in my life, together we are great, your a great friend, you taught me so much, lets not let arguments come between us...

Then....gone.

I dont know why I cant feel better. Theres no contact at all now, I won't reach out for dignity sake and healing, but the ending was so raw and hurtful and the forever not speaking again, its more than I can bare. Nearly 2 decades. How do you even begin to heal?

Im angry, restless, its hard to focus at work, I feel thrown away and left like trash.

I cant understand. Sadddddd. Help me???

 

We are all different people and react to situations differently. Your rage in those moments was a response from deep hurt.

 

My XAP would rage on me, too. I never raged back. Ever. It's not who I am. Even when she ended it with me, I'd say...okay, I understand and I love you. No response is better than the other. We are only who we are.

 

The reality is he cannot be your friend.

 

When relationships end where there is deep love, it's excruciating. You had two decades with him. I'm sorry to say, but you have a long road a head of you in terms of healing.

 

There's no quick fix of the broken heart and soul. It's literally taking each day as they come. One foot in front of the other every day. One day you feel sadness. The next day you feel anger. The next day confusion, sadness and anger...it cycles between emotions. Until you reach a place where they are spaced out...and you see less of the emotions.

 

The only way out of the cycles is to respect them. To honor your true feelings. To accept that you are powerless over them and the current time and space. To allow yourself to grieve deeply. This means go somewhere and cry for however long you need to cry. Keep crying until it stops. Don't shove the pain aside. It won't leave you until you address it. Feel the intensity of the pain.

 

Most importantly, while you are grieving, do things that make you feel good about you. Remember who you were before you met him? Hobbies? Try new things.

 

You have to make an effort of moving forward everyday. Meditate. Exercise.

 

Sometimes we spend too much time trying to understand what happened rather than feeling what we need to feel. We get stuck in our heads and then our fear and then our pain.

 

If you are unable to get out of the sadness, consider professional help.

 

One foot in front of the other...

[Rainbowlove]

Something else I did, and I know it seems corny or odd, but I literally felt as though my XAP had died. It was a death to me. A major life loss.

 

We had many special dates; first time we realized we were in love. We called it Happy Self-Actualization Day. It was our special anniversary. We never really had a chance to celebrate that day together.

 

Last year, I decided to celebrate it without her. I can't stop the day from coming, so why not honor it.

 

I went to a special place of ours, sat on a rock, over-looked the pond and wept. I remember how hollow and sorrowful I felt remembering her. I sat there for an hour exactly saying goodbye the whole time.

 

As I was leaving, I picked up sticks, rocks, acorns, leaves, bottle caps...anything I could find on the ground and made a pile, a resting place of sorts.

 

It was our funeral.

 

Again, it may sound foolish, but it helped me say goodbye in special way.

[Lovewilltearusapart]

I am going to be in full NC, its all I can do. I wish I could undo this mess and find a way to live my life now without the hurt and loss and regret for wasting all that time on a man who could leave me so easily multiple times, this time being final.

 

 

Any non judgemental thoughts from any other mow or mom?

 

I just want to say, our stories are different but I understand the hurt you are feeling. Regardless of the circumstances, this is a loss and you have to grieve it. I am only one week in NC and I'm hanging on but it's not easy. I think in your case, with the length of the affair, this will take a while to get over but it's a process and you have to work through it. Be strong.

[privategal]

Something else I did, and I know it seems corny or odd, but I literally felt as though my XAP had died. It was a death to me. A major life loss.

 

We had many special dates; first time we realized we were in love. We called it Happy Self-Actualization Day. It was our special anniversary. We never really had a chance to celebrate that day together.

 

Last year, I decided to celebrate it without her. I can't stop the day from coming, so why not honor it.

 

I went to a special place of ours, sat on a rock, over-looked the pond and wept. I remember how hollow and sorrowful I felt remembering her. I sat there for an hour exactly saying goodbye the whole time.

 

As I was leaving, I picked up sticks, rocks, acorns, leaves, bottle caps...anything I could find on the ground and made a pile, a resting place of sorts.

 

It was our funeral.

 

Again, it may sound foolish, but it helped me say goodbye in special way.

 

You are a really beautiful soul, a wonderful person. Im still uncertain why you had to let her go if you loved her so much but I wish I had it in me to be as calm and respectful in my goodbye. Sometimes Im back in the denial phase like, no way he will write today, neither of us could do without this bond.

The A part had long been over, the friendship had resilience, we just kept going, leaving out the sex all together. We just were happy .

I don't get it but I sure am greiving.

I may have a similiar goodbye type ceremony like yours someday but it would have to be when I am closer to acceptance. Right now, Im sad, mad, angry, confused Im a mess.

My job requires me to interract with people and help people and smile alot. But Im so broken its literally everything I can do to not show it. I hate myself. I feel ugly, small, abandoned, unlovevable, I wouldn't want to love me even.

Thank u though, despite the emotion Im showing here, Your words are helping...

[privategal]

Think about it like this. You were raw, open, and shared your emotional pain with him. He disregarded it! Had his wife sent him the same... HE WOULD HAVE CONFRONTED IT IMMEDIATELY, and comforted her, shown care, and love.

This hurts, yes, but it is the truth.

Hate is good in these circumstances, but understanding the hate is important to. I feel the hatred now and will use it this afternoon to pull iron, weights and envision him as dead, as I am working out. Punch punch...dead. Punch punch...dead.

 

I am heading to the gym now.

Honestly, I was never jealous of his wife,.always knew he loved her first and most and she was his priority, I wasn't. I was always clear. Thank u so much for writing.

[privategal]

I just want to say, our stories are different but I understand the hurt you are feeling. Regardless of the circumstances, this is a loss and you have to grieve it. I am only one week in NC and I'm hanging on but it's not easy. I think in your case, with the length of the affair, this will take a while to get over but it's a process and you have to work through it. Be strong.

 

You be strong too. This same thing happened last year, it was just dead and over but I didn't ask him not to ever contact me again so it rekindled after months, but this time I said don't come back. I closed the door so I could fully heal.

I hope you will start to feel better to and stay firm to blocking and NC. Its very hard but it gets easier. That's why I brought up going through this last year. To tell you I know from experience the intense pain starts to wain after about a month for me. I hope its the same this time. Please hang in there. Hugs.

[DKT3]

You are a really beautiful soul, a wonderful person. Im still uncertain why you had to let her go if you loved her so much but I wish I had it in me to be as calm and respectful in my goodbye. Sometimes Im back in the denial phase like, no way he will write today, neither of us could do without this bond.

The A part had long been over, the friendship had resilience, we just kept going, leaving out the sex all together. We just were happy .

I don't get it but I sure am greiving.

I may have a similiar goodbye type ceremony like yours someday but it would have to be when I am closer to acceptance. Right now, Im sad, mad, angry, confused Im a mess.

My job requires me to interract with people and help people and smile alot. But Im so broken its literally everything I can do to not show it. I hate myself. I feel ugly, small, abandoned, unlovevable, I wouldn't want to love me even.

Thank u though, despite the emotion Im showing here, Your words are helping...

 

Wow, how would you feel to read this written by your husband about another woman?

[privategal]

Wow, how would you feel to read this written by your husband about another woman?

 

 

The same as any mow or mom, terrible.

I wasn't trying to justify.

[privategal]

Wow, how would you feel to read this written by your husband about another woman?

 

Was reading your comments on many other threads, not sure why you hang out on the boards, without reading your backstory but I feel you derail threads. Your comments are off topic many times, how was your question of help and how can I not see your comments on my thread cause I cant actually tolerate being kicked while Im down.

Im not sure if your an AP or XAP or BS but Id like to not hear your thoughts and Im trying to say that as respectfully as I can.

[Rainbowlove]

The same as any mow or mom, terrible.

I wasn't trying to justify.

 

It won't help you right now to beat yourself up further.

 

You are human, not a perfect human. No one is.

 

No one is justifying anything. There is no need for it.

 

This is where you go to share openly your hurt and your frustration regarding missing someone you lost.

 

The goal here is to find a way to keep moving forward, not looking back and not adding more insult to injury.

 

Hope your gym workout was a good release of energy.

 

Day by day, one foot in front of the other and positive affirmations.

[DKT3]

You are a really beautiful soul, a wonderful person. Im still uncertain why you had to let her go if you loved her so much but I wish I had it in me to be as calm and respectful in my goodbye. Sometimes Im back in the denial phase like, no way he will write today, neither of us could do without this bond.

The A part had long been over, the friendship had resilience, we just kept going, leaving out the sex all together. We just were happy .

I don't get it but I sure am greiving.

I may have a similiar goodbye type ceremony like yours someday but it would have to be when I am closer to acceptance. Right now, Im sad, mad, angry, confused Im a mess.

My job requires me to interract with people and help people and smile alot. But Im so broken its literally everything I can do to not show it. I hate myself. I feel ugly, small, abandoned, unlovevable, I wouldn't want to love me even.

Thank u though, despite the emotion Im showing here, Your words are helping...

 

The same as any mow or mom, terrible.

I wasn't trying to justify.

 

Its not about that, its time for you to redirect your focus. Either commit to your marriage or maybe its time to let your husband go. You are actually stealing his life at this point. He deserves a woman who loves and longs for him the way you do for this other guy.

 

All this energy you've spent on this guy, all the years that your husband could have had to find a woman willing to give him that energy.

 

I'm sure this isn't a topic you want to talk about, but you need a reality check and a jolt to redirect your focus or should I say direct your focus since it seems your focus has always been this other guy.

 

Stop stealing your husbands life, focus on him or let him go.

[Rainbowlove]

Was reading your comments on many other threads, not sure why you hang out on the boards, without reading your backstory but I feel you derail threads. Your comments are off topic many times, how was your question of help and how can I not see your comments on my thread cause I cant actually tolerate being kicked while Im down.

Im not sure if your an AP or XAP or BS but Id like to not hear your thoughts and Im trying to say that as respectfully as I can.

 

Ignore him. Skip over him.

 

Focus on the support.

[Josmatjes]

Something else I did, and I know it seems corny or odd, but I literally felt as though my XAP had died. It was a death to me. A major life loss.

 

We had many special dates; first time we realized we were in love. We called it Happy Self-Actualization Day. It was our special anniversary. We never really had a chance to celebrate that day together.

 

Last year, I decided to celebrate it without her. I can't stop the day from coming, so why not honor it.

 

I went to a special place of ours, sat on a rock, over-looked the pond and wept. I remember how hollow and sorrowful I felt remembering her. I sat there for an hour exactly saying goodbye the whole time.

 

As I was leaving, I picked up sticks, rocks, acorns, leaves, bottle caps...anything I could find on the ground and made a pile, a resting place of sorts.

 

It was our funeral.

 

Again, it may sound foolish, but it helped me say goodbye in special way.

 

That is beautiful!

 

My eAP and myself ad many special places... I may do what you did in the spring to say goodbye....

 

I'm so glad you are doing better and I wish you happiness...

[privategal]

Ignore him. Skip over him.

 

Focus on the support.

 

So grateful for support. I really need it.

Ive had good moments but REALLY bad ones.

Thank you.