SUNFLOWER2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) is there ever a chance to get back after a break uP? Edited January 20, 2015 by SUNFLOWER2015 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 No contact is the best thing you can do in this situation. It helps you to heal and it stops him from stringing you along, which is really a euphemism for emotional torture. Spending lots of time with him and waiting for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wants you... is like taking an axe to your self-esteem in the long run. Stop doing this, for yourself. It will also force him to take a cold, hard look at what he wants. If he says he doesn't want you, don't let him have you. Let him feel that loss completely. I also strongly advise keeping to yourself until you realize that you deserve to be more than an option, that you deserve more than waiting around for someone to make up his mind. I understand it's soooo hard when dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of loss. Staying NC will help you get strongest, fastest. Getting back together is a bad idea, even if he wants it, if you haven't reconnected with that safe place of strength within yourself. Set some boundaries. If he comes back and he is willing to respect your boundaries, keep him. If he comes back, but wants you to compromise any part of your stance on what is best for you--which includes firmly saying NO to being led on and yanked around--cut him loose. If you continue to answer his messages, give him your schedule, always agree to meet, when you want more and he isn't giving it, communicates you're willing to settle for less. If you're not okay with that... don't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SUNFLOWER2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 thank you that's a great answer and response. it is hard because I start to miss him to and want to be around him so I agree but feel bad after because no conversation comes up about us and I realize he is still unsure and it hurts all over again, I don't want to settle for less so I think it's time for me to toughen up and break all ties even if he contacts me I need to not respond or let him know unless he has something to talk about as to a change of heart there is really no reason to continue to see eachother, that seems so hard for me to do at this point but I think it's the right choice. I can't bring up to him how I feel and want us to have another chance because this was his choice... Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 It will hurt horribly for a while with NC... but compared to any other route, it will hurt the least (intensity--better than continually breaking open a fatal wound), it will hurt for the shortest amount of time (you're not dragging out the past), and as long as you commit to yourself--working out, spending more time with friends, doing the things you love--you WILL make it through to the other side and you WILL feel better. And then... you realize you can get through ANYTHING. You completely call the shots when it comes to your own happiness, which is awesome. ^And this is exactly the frame of mind you need to attract a healthy relationship... any relationship, with whoever it may be. Focus first on feeling the ground beneath your feet before worrying about which path you'll take. I would have been an unstable, distrustful basket case had my boyfriend come back when my pains in NC were the worst... at about 6-8 weeks into the breakup. You will gain incredible insight to yourself, your patterns, and the whole situation as time goes by, and in realizing these things, you'll be empowered to make better decisions, you might approach the same situation differently. You might be open to new ideas. Who knows. I know when it hurts, it feels impossible to see any good coming out of situations like this. But you will with time, I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SUNFLOWER2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 great advice! thank you so much. Did your boyfriend ever come back and want you back. or you stuck to NC and moved on and felt better and found something better? Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I didn't mention that he came back, initially, because NC is ultimately all that matters, and had I not adhered to NC, I wouldn't have healed the way I did, which was instrumental to functionally getting back together. Catch 22! I think whether or not an ex returns is such an individual/situational thing. He came back after about four months (absolute silence on my part since the breakup), but the important thing is... four months down the road, I was 99.99999998% over him. He hadn't disappeared from my mind completely, but I no longer woke up thinking about him, I was done crying, and I had reached a place where I was seriously interested in dating another guy. If my boyfriend had come back when I wanted him back the most... the pain was the worst at the 6-8 week mark... I still would have been a raging basket case in hysteria mode. I was not mentally fit to step back and examine the totality of our situation with detachment. So I have to stress, first and foremost, until you are NC for long enough to realize, "OMG, I'm healed," you're not fit for ANY relationship... with an ex or otherwise. While my ex did return and we did get back together, the really important thing was that I was healed and could make lucid decisions. I had detached to the point where I would be okay with walking (and I still am) if he ever decides to flake out on me or yank my chain. Reaching that point of detachment is so critical to maintaining your healthy boundaries. Our breakup was situational. I'm a few years older and my boyfriend moved away to start school. From everything I've read, breakups spawned by life change are the most easily reconciled. While it was a horrible experience, it was what he needed to realize that he wanted to be with me, only me, and take me seriously (I live almost an hour away, while he could just go bang any of the 10,000 chicks in close quarters around him). He's made a point every single day since he came around to show me he loves me. He calls, brings me flowers... he showed up randomly the other day with a ton of groceries. O_O The day he came back and stood in front of my house with flowers, I didn't open the door, and instead called him to ask what he wanted. He gave me a huge speech about how he screwed up, wanted to grow with me, and that I was a gift to humanity (after that last part, I decided to open the door ). For this sort of situation, me disappearing off the face of the earth was the best move I made... next to doing my best to be good to him during the initial relationship, so he did realize what he lost. I didn't give him a million headaches in the beginning, and we had the most unique connection. We talked about the breakup, and, despite the fact he missed me SO MUCH, had I reached out to him, it would have grossed him out, because he made it clear he didn't want to be with me. I respected that decision; as cold as his NC was, he at least respected that decision and didn't crumb me, either. He had to come back to me 100% because he wanted to, of his own free will, and there was no way for that to happen unless I disappeared. It also would have been messed up if he came back and I lingered in the picture... I'm sure the same thing would have happened again, and he never would have missed me enough to come back committed. I'm sure we COULD have hooked up over one of his breaks, and he could have dumped me again, and I would have been a train wreck back at square one; I'm thrilled I stuck to NC and never did any of that. He also A) would have never gotten to miss me and B) would have lost huge respect for me for engaging in such desperate behavior. Instead, my silence, and my decision to stick to what's best for me (blocking him without caving) displayed my value. The real moral of the story is: I felt better on my own, being myself, doing my thing. My boyfriend did come back, but it only worked the second time around, yes, because he changed, but more than that, because I found out just how incredibly strong I am during NC. He doesn't ever want to take me for granted again (cool). He also knows now I will kick anyone to the curb who takes me for granted. So far, it's been great, and now I know, that no matter what, I'll always be great. We're both grateful we can be great together. As long as you treat yourself with respect, you will attract and keep someone who appreciates you. You'll be okay in the end, no matter what. The process of getting from here to there really sucks, especially in the beginning, but one day you'll realize you are there, and it didn't take as long as you thought. (I love my friend who told me that last bit, and while I didn't believe him, I was so happy he was right!) Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 great advice! thank you so much. Did your boyfriend ever come back and want you back. or you stuck to NC and moved on and felt better and found something better? Hope will never lessen the pain of missing him... You need to NC heal and work on yourself... Come out on top a better you... Based on some experience here on LS from what I read... Sometimes they comeback... Most times they don't... It happens by the time you have moved on and just don't care... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SUNFLOWER2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Wow!! I love your story and I'm very happy for you. It makes sense completely and for things to ever work again you have to be in a good place with yourself. Did he ever try to contact you during those 4 months and you just ignored him or you had blocked him from being able to contact you? While I do not contact my ex he is always the one reaching out to me every so often and I do respond im thinking now I should just not and truly have the no contact. The while remaining friends just isn't feeling good and I don't think In the end it's the best route to take when I need to heal, I can't know his motivates for trying to stay connected to me but I need to do stay strong and do what is best for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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