Public Declaration: I am a D*rk........

[Laurynn]

Hi everyone....

 

Well it's my turn to ask for a little advice, please :-)

 

Remember a few weeks back when I told wrote about the 'celebrity' I'd been corresponding with....and he wanted me to meet him (for the first time, face to face) the night he got into town, at his hotel (the lounge) for drinks but I chickened out/didn't think it would 'look right'?

 

Well okay, he's a recording artist...and a fairly well known one. (single) We didn't actually hook up that week he was here, because that Sunday night had been his only 'free' night (away from doing interviews, PR, etc).

 

After he got back to his home town/city, we continued to email......we both shared a lot of personal stuff (me more than him)......everything was platonic...but as the days passed, I got to learn more about him and really liked the person that he was (or portrayed in what he wrote). A few days later, he surprised me by phoning me. We talked for nearly 2 hours. It was a great conversation. He told me that he regretted not having been able to meet me that Sunday....but that he'd possibly be back here in April to do more songwriting, etc...and that we could meet then.

 

We've chatted on Instant Messenger a few times now. It's usually at the end of the day (he's on tour)....when he's in his tour bus, having a drink and relaxing. We have some pretty comical conversations. The guys in his band get in on the action and steal the laptop and send me hilarious pics of him haha. They all seem like a lot of fun.

 

I admire him, first and foremost, as a recording artist. I've been impressed by his work since he first came out (a few years ago). He's an amazing song writer, musician, singer. From what I can tell, success (and he is very successful) hasn't hurt him..meaning, he's very down to earth and sincere.

 

During our past two conversations, he's told about the origins of two of the love songs/ballads he's released. They were both written for a girl he was once in love with (but things didn't work out between him because he was just starting out in the business and he had to devote all his time to his career). That sort of stung when he told me all this.......now when I listen to those songs, it sort of makes me uncomfortable.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what's up with him. Tonight when we were chatting, he was telling me that he has one last song to write for his upcoming album...it has to be a love song and he needed some ideas. (I write poetry, so that's why he told me this..I've even given him some of my best and he was quite impressed)..........he told me the title for a song he's been working....then proceeded to tell me where that title originated. It seems that when he was here in my city a couple of weeks ago, he met up with a girl he'd met this past summer (she lives here).....and he really likes her. Well! My heart sort of sunk when he was telling me all of this. He was going on and on about how she wasn't just beautiful on the OUTSIDE, but on the inside too. Groovy. I asked if they keep in touch while he's on the road.....he of course stated that they try to as much as possible. Okay, now my heart is sinking a little lower.

 

All this time, I've been very careful to NOT come across as some lovestruck 'groupie'......I didn't want to scare him off (as I'm sure tons of women through themselves at him on a daily basis). I wanted him to get to know me as a 'friend', not a groupie (and me get to know him that way as well). Well I *guess* he was telling me all of this stuff because he just needed to get it off his chest....OR, was he telling me it all so that there'd be no misunderstandings as to his feelings for me? (meaning: that we're simply friends)?????? He was sort of asking me for advice .......and as much as I was quite saddened, I just bucked up and gave the best advice I could......doing my best to act like I was happy for him and wished 'them' the best (though it doesn't sound like they really have a 'relationship').

 

Maybe he's just trying to test me? To note my reaction? He just sort of blurted it all out. Then we'd get talking about something else, and he'd just blurt out this *name* (Kristine)......I was like, "huh? who's Kristine"?....and then he'd tell me that that was her name. I'm thinking, "frig, I don't really want to hear this sh*t..what do I look like, Ann Landers?" .......

 

What's possibly interesting is....he made a point of letting me know that he didn't sleep with her (one night stand)...because he just can't do that with someone he has feelings for / really wants to get to know. So why tell ME this? To impress me? Some hidden message in there? (remember, I didn't meet him because I was afraid he'd think I was just some groupie who'd hop into bed with him, and I jokingly told him as much).......maybe he made this whole thing up just to let me know that he's not promiscuous? He then went on to tell me that a lot of the promoters in the music industry often have 'working girls' available for the singers after the show....but that he's not into that. So what's he doing...trying to subtly let me know that he's not a pig?

 

He's been very complimentary to me...he's told me that I'm a very eloquent writer (hehe)....that I'm obviously 'very intelligent' (boy do I have him snowed haha).....and that I'd be a good song writer/loved my poems and might restructure them to make them into songs. (wow, was *I* flattered!....unless he's just being nice and telling me that)....

 

I know this whole thing is pretty pointless.....I'm not a trusting enough person to ever have a long distance relationship with someone...(been there, done that..far too hard)......and this is a guy who possibly has 25 women throwing themselves at him every night.

 

He's already told me that it's very hard for him to be in a relationship, because he's never in a place for more than 2 weeks at a time AND although he has a lot of 'very beautiful and very successful women' asking him out (gee, pretty modest, hey? LOL), he quickly realized they were more interested in 'the product, than the person'......

 

I know he's enjoyed our conversations......we've talked about personal stuff that he's admitted to never having talked about with anyone else before (the death of a family member, a pet, etc)........

 

I guess I should just be thankful that I've been given the opportunity to get to know someone like him.....and count my blessings that a friendship is developing, and throw out of my mind, any silly dreams of there ever being an 'us'.....

 

What do any of you make of all this? Guys, why would a guy make such an effort to tell a woman about his dating/girl situation? (He's not stupid, he must slightly suspect that I possibly have tiny feelings for him haha).

 

I'd appreciate any and all feedback/advice/insights...

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

One other thing to add to above....

 

We supposedly never had a chance to meet while he was down here for a week becuz he was so busy (cept for that first night that I chickened out)........but tonight in chat, he made a point of letting me know that he'd 'seen' her twice while he'd been here. That sort of felt like a slap in the face. (she's a part time waitress at a bar so maybe him and his crew went to her bar, not sure) I know it's not what he intended to do, but it was almost like he was rubbing in my face that he was busy but not 'too busy' to see her, and TWICE.

 

I know, I know...I'm far too analytical and I probably read too much into things.

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

Well, a lot of things could be happening here and I agree, you can't be too analytical...although it's almost impossible not to be.

 

He is FIRST and foremost a performer. Because of the material he writes about, he is obviously sensitive. He has no meaningful relationships with anybody other than for business purposes and is likely quite lonely. So while he can get sex from almost anybody anytime, he is seeking to relate to a female on a deeper, more intimate and intellectual level...that's where you come in.

 

Both of you have already established how difficult it would be to have a relationship with this man, with his schedule and geographical movement, not even considering the dozens of females that throw themselves at him for a sampling of "product." If he ever found a lady to have a relationship with, she would either have to be the strongest, most secure woman on the planet, or she would have to be by his side throughout his tours.

 

The man is needing a lot more emotional, spiritual, intellectual, etc., companionship and support than he is able to get on the road. Because of his admiration for your poetry, lyrics, etc., and the fact that he spends a great deal of time chatting, emailing, talking on the phone to you, etc., he has shown a great deal of interest in you as a person. People like this man do not interact with others to this degree unless they are meeting important needs that they have.

 

I think getting laid is as far back in his mind as it could possibly be. As you said, that is well provided for him at each venue while he's on tour. I'm sure he can pick up the phone anytime and get ten ladies in a matter of minutes.

 

Now, things start getting a bit more complicated. This guy is sharper than your average knife. He is no dumby. He's been around the block enough times and has memorized all the addresses, the people and almost every blade of grass.

 

He mentions these other ladies to you go get this stuff off his chest. He has grown to trust in you, your judgement and your knowledge of love. But, in my opinion, he is using this safe ground of friendship on which to dump a lot of stuff on you for your edification BECAUSE...should his relationship with you grow to a higher lever, he would be precluded from discussing these types of things. It is appropriate as this stage.

 

In other words, he is wanting you to know just how superficial and unfulfilling his love life is right now. He is wanting to lay it all out while he is free to do so.

 

Frankly, I think this man is very interested in you and wants to take his sweet time. BEFORE he is a performer, he is a MAN. And, as you know, men like challenges!!! His interest in you peaked the moment you let him know you didn't want to rush down to the hotel lounge and meet him for a drink a few weeks ago. That set off dozens of alarms in his brain...for one, that you considered yourself a valuable enough of a person not to put yourself out for some well known, but perfect stranger you met on email...albeit a famous person. Second, you established yourself as a challenge. You heightened his interest incredibly.

 

Regardless of the subject matter of your conversations and mail exchanges now, if you are interested in him and are skillful with your words, I really do think he has a vital interest in you as more than just a buddy and it seems he's taking the time to build on that.

 

Now, if you end up throwing yourself at him at some point, you would blow it. You have to continue to be strong, to be somewhat coy and to be a friend. You can't let him know you are disturbed or jealous about him talking about other women...at this point. That would throw this whole thing off a bit.

 

I give you my word that within a very short time he will start throwing major hints at you. That is when you will have to continue to be part coy and part receptive...if that's what you wish to do...if you are interested in this guy. Remember, he is wanting a relationship with meaning and substance. It sounds like his thoughts and feelings run pretty deep and by nature he's a very lonely man. Right now, you are fulfilling a great need he has for someone who cares about him for him. You have to continue fulfilling that need by placing a far greater emphasis on him and much less on his singing.

 

He does want to share this song writing experience with you, and I encourage you to do so in a professional way without alluding to his success as a singer, etc.

 

You need to get things from him for your ownself or this will grow very old. You have to decide what those are and just how you can get them. If this is just a novelty thing for you, it will grow old fast. You must get things provided to you in all this or you will grow to feel a very one-sided deal and resent it.

 

This whole thing is going to blossom if you can grow closer to him, something he never has the opportunity to do with all these other groupies who pass back and forth and probably have the intellectual and emotional capacity of an ameoba...at least incredibly insufficent to meet his needs and without the skills to know how.

 

Sounds like you have something to build on and you should keep doing just what you're doing.

 

Oh, no, don't worry about him talking about this girl. As a matter fact, the more coy you are about it the more you will blow his mind. This guy has NEVER, EVER gotten a reaction like you gave him from any other girl. He is playing mind games, or better said...testing you, with his conversations about other women. Don't even give him the slightest hint you are bothered or jealous. THAT WILL BLOW HIS MIND.

 

At this very moment, he may be just needing a friend to vent to but he is sufficiently sensitive and smart enough to recognize greater value in a friendship and the desire for more when the time comes.

 

I think the guy is pretty cool. You just have to keep doing what you're doing.

 

What I don't understand is why you want to put so much energy into this when you have said you aren't interested in a relationship with a guy who travels all over. Now, if it does get serious, you could travel with him. It could get interesting. You're the one who has to decide what you want to do here...I guess it's a little early for thinking about that...but I certainly believe if things keep going the way they are that the issue will be up for consideration in the future.

 

This guy is pretty brilliant. If he is being honest with you and it NOT a whore dog like he claims he isn't and he really doesn't womanize, etc., it sounds like he could be a truly great catch.

[Rachel]

Hey Laurynn;

 

I agree with everything Tony has said. I think there's definitley a level of interest on both parties here. However, I think you want to make sure he knows you are a LIVING

[Rogue]

This is one of those occasions where you need a lot of self control, Laurynn. This guy impresses a lot of girls, and one more wide-eyed woman won't matter. But a woman not too impressed with his achievements, a woman who can coolly look him in the eye, someone like that would be very interesting.

 

My advice? Simply don't be too blown away by him. He's a "celebrity" not a golden statue. He, like all other human beings, wants to be cared about for himself even if only by a friend. He probably has his own set of problems, his own set of issues to deal with, his own chips on his own shoulders. Success may have actually added to his problems, and making genuine friends may be tough for him.

 

Just be a calm smiling friend. Don't ask for more than the warmth of his friendship. Try to take an interest in him in a way other people don't. I'm sure he gets lots of comments on his song lyrics as it is.Try another angle instead. Try to get him to open up about other things that bother him, and just listen and try to understand. Being understood is an important need of all human beings. Make that connection if you can.

 

This way, by being just a friend, you don't set yourself up for a heartbreak. You don't end up getting your nerves mangled with "what ifs", and even if it never pans out between the two of you, at least you've made a friend. If he wants more than that later on, you can bet he'll chase you.

[Laurynn]

Hi all...

 

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to respond, I appreciated your insights immensely. This whole thing is sort of weird for me to talk about becuz it all seems sort of 'fantasy-like' and I really am a realist, without a doubt.

 

Few things I'd like to mention, in regards to what you've written.

 

I've loved music since the age of 6, when I got my first record player. As a young kid, I used to sit and write out the words to my parents dorky records (haha).....while other kids were playing 'dolls', I was dreaming about being a singer....standing in my bedroom, with a hairbrush for a microphone and singing my little heart out hahaha. Music has remained an integral part of my life all these years. Of course I learned years ago that being a singer/songwriter was just not my calling (though I really never TRIED songwriting)...so that was that. But I've truly admired those who've followed their dreams and 'made it'....

 

Anyway, when this guy first emailed me back, I was absolutely on cloud 9. That someone like *him* would take the time to write to "lil' ol' me"..ya know? When he suggested that maybe while he was here that week, that we get together for dinner, or drinks I was beside myself. As you can imagine. Throughout our conversations, I could tell that he was a pretty down to earth guy (though somewhat guarded, which is understandable...he didn't know for *sure* who he was telling things to, right?..I could have been some reporter/journalist from the National Enquirer for all knew).

 

From the very start, while I wanted him to know that I greatly admired his talent and musical abilities, that I wasn't the typical groupie who only wanted to know if he "wore boxers or briefs" haha. As a way of getting to know him, I asked him lots of really unique questions...so unique that he even said so, enjoyed answering them because they were 'original and not like the usual boring interview questions' (then he wanted to know if I'd gotten them from Cosmo and how did he rate? haha).

 

Although I'm sincere, I've done my best to show him that I care about HIM the person...not HIM the big singer......because I've tried to put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view......that there are many women out there who are attracted to him ONLY because he's succesful/famous/wealthy/has some good connections, etc. *I* am a real person, and I only like *real* people. I've never been one for glamour or glitz, I prefer 'down to earth'.

 

Anyway....yeah, I see him as a guy who's cautious and guarded.....as someone who only allows himself to open up/acknowledge his feelings by writing songs......but other than that, he's pretty careful to keep his feelings to himself. I understand that he's probably quite lonely.....with his schedule, being on the road so much, that doesn't exactly foster the opportunity to have a meaningful, semi-normal relationship with someone. I feel badly for him, for this. I know he loves what he's doing...it's his passion....but he's also a human being too....one with emotional needs and companionship needs, like pretty much all of us.

 

I see him starting to open up to me more, and I'm quite flattered....that he thinks enough of me/trusts me enough to just be 'himself'.

 

Last night he wrote something a little strange (well, maybe strange isn't the word)......he was telling me that he has one song left to write for his album, it has to be a love song......and he told me to 'pour my heart out' because he could use some inspiration. So Tony, what do you make of that? haha. We ended up talking about so many things that I sorta didn't focus too much on that statement. Was there a hidden meaning there?

 

Towards the end of our conversation, he told me something like, "well I'm going to have one last cigarette and then I'm going to bed..does that sound good you to you HONEY?"

 

He's being just a tiny bit more flirty.

 

Now him and this other girl....as he was telling me about her, warning bells were going off....(being the analytical person that I am haha).....I wondered to myself if he was a) making it all up TO b) note my reaction. Maybe he was trying to figure out if I'm a trusting person, or the jealous type? Obviously if he ever considered some kind of relationship with me, he'd know it wouldn't work if I was some jealous type...seeing how he's on the road so much. So maybe this was all a test?

 

After he'd finished telling me about this girl, he said something like, "so what is the answer oh wise and powerful guru"......I jokingly asked what the *question* was haha....because I really didn't know if he was joking/whether he was asking for my advice, or what. He really didn't answer that.

 

I guess I'll just continue to play it cool and be there for him whenever he needs a friend. If he needs relationship advice, okay, I'll give it. LOL

 

The realist in me says there couldn't possibly be a future for 'us'......our lifestyles are too different, for one thing. And then there's my 'trust issue' (which I won't deny....that's a result of having been cheated on by past men)

 

Tony, you had some awesome insights. As I read your response, I was amazed....you were right on the money....what you said made good sense....darn good sense.

 

I think for the sake of my heart, I'll concentrate my efforts on finding a 'good man' here, around where I live...and focus my efforts with him as being just 'really good friends'.....then just see where it all takes me.

 

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate it.

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "and he told me to 'pour my heart out' because he could use some inspiration. So Tony, what do you make of that? haha. We ended up talking about so many things that I sorta didn't focus too much on that statement. Was there a hidden meaning there?"

 

No real hidden meaning. He probably did need some inspiration. You may be one of the few REAL connections he has with the REAL outside world. He's looking for some genuine reactions from people who aren't trying to kiss his butt.

 

He seems like a pretty good guy. Judging from your last paragraph or two, it sounds like you may end up breaking his heart...which could be a whole new CD release for him.

[sparkle]

Hi Laurynn,

 

Nothing more to add here really...Tony, Rogue and Rachel gave wonderful tips as usual. Just wanted to repeat the advice about having self-control and playing hard to get.

 

Act interested but not too interested. Keep him on his feet. Be the first to end the conversations, and do so before they start turning stale.

 

And of course make sure you casually mention interesting daily activities, like the great evening you had or the concert you saw or the hot date etc.

 

You said you were wondering about the deeper meaning of why he asked you for some insight on his love song he's writing. You could bring up the topic again if you're curious. Ask him if he's gotten any ideas or started writing it yet.

 

Meanwhile, don't focus all your energy and effort on this guy. Don't hesitate going out and finding guys in your town, and enjoy hanging out with them. The less you make this guy seem like the #1 priority in your life, the more interesting you will seem to him.

 

Well good luck! I'll be waiting to hear an update in the future