When people pursue the obviously wrong choice.

[WonderKid]

Yes it depends on how they grew up. And it all starts at home. Majority of households are raised by single mothers.

They take after what they see their moms date. It happened to my sister. My mom married an alcoholic, cheater, abuser. My sister goes and picks up a guy who is a weed addict, former alcoholic, non romantic, and was a cheater. But she compiled numerous excuses on why not to pursue a decent guy.

 

Around 20 I stopped pondering it. Why women went after these types of guys. Because I said, if they are incompetent with making reasonable decisions regarding dating, then I don't think that is the woman I'd want in my life. Because she won't be able to dialect being disrespected or not.

 

If I were a woman and seen a guy that only went after drama queens, sluts, and bitchy women then I wouldn't pursue him or even be interested because it shows me he doesn't even know what a real woman is.

[hotpotato]

I don't really have standards, don't know where you got that.

 

My standards are pretty basic. Be a clean and nice person, that's all I expect.

 

Maybe guys feel like youre setting the bar low.

 

"Im dating you because you dont smell to bad and are not a complete jerk." Im not sure if that would make a man feel good about dating you, almost like most any guy would do.

[carhill]

As the antithesis, my exW often opined that I grew up like 'Beaver Cleaver' and still made 'wrong' choices completely unrelated to any household/socialization issues. About the only socialization issue which had marked play was being too trusting and prone to giving the benefit of the doubt, again reflective of examples set. The 'cruel' world was quite a shock, first with violence, then with lies and manipulation. Still, the basic imprint that all people are good at their base stuck for many years, impelling numerous 'wrong choices' along the way before finally achieving a modicum of balance with cynicism and distrust in my early 30's. I don't know if the OP identifies with any of that but it's certainly one, perhaps outlier, avenue to wrong choices.

[verhrzn]

Hi Ver! Sorry to thread-jack, Phoe, but I just wanted to respond to this post for a second. I read your other thread about settling and admit that I haven't read anything else you've posted but, I guess this strikes me as an unhealthy attitude. If this is how you truly feel, you're probably broadcasting this to other people. I honestly think you're suffering from poor self esteem in a very deep way. I'm curious...have you ever gone to therapy? Sorry if you've talked about this elsewhere. It makes me sad to think you actually feel this way.

 

Hey Whirl, don't wanna thread-jack so I'll respond to this in my other thread.

 

Phoe, I wonder if maybe you're almost too perfect? I don't mean that you don't have flaws or are intentionally cocky or anything like that. I mean more like... when I meet someone who is fantastic on all levels and has it really together, and doesn't seem to display at least one flaw, I start to feel like either the person is faking something, or that I can't relate to them in some way.

 

It's like... here I am, this hobbit who has never ventured out of the Shire, and I'm talking to this tall, glamorous, wise elf. I'll admire the elf, but I'm not sure I could ever be friends with her, because I'd always feel like we were from two different worlds.

 

I mentioned early that "friction" is something a lot of sexual tension can be built off of. I think "flaws" is kind of similar. If people can't figure out what's "wrong" with you, they may start inventing reasons, thus giving them an excuse as to why they distance themselves. They could also feel like they can't relate to you, because here they are, a muck up in A, B and C, and you've just got it all perfect and together.

 

I don't fully buy the whole "You're intimidating" thing, but in this case, you really might be! A lack of any obvious flaws and a lack of any kind of "friction" (outward sexual tension or cockiness or slight bitchiness) might make people feel as if you're that glamorous she-elf... untouchable.

[contact1]

This is actually quite easy to answer and I think a few posters have mentioned it. Men like to feel needed, and I'd bet these women give out huge vibes of "help little olé me", it's commonly known as the white knight syndrome. Being needed can be a very attractive trait, to both genders in fact, and add in some ego strokes in there, it will make men want to go back.

 

You wonder why the guys, after being hurt and cheated go back? They try to rationalize the bad behavior, oh she has it rough, she can be really sweet (ego boosting), I remember the good times, etc.

 

However you Phoe, from your posts are very put together, have real control over your life, and have even mentioned before I believe that if you were alone your entire life you would be fine with it, but prefer to be with someone. And that on itself is your catch 22, you can't give off that damsel in distress scene, because you aren't, and if you tried to imitate it, well you really wouldn't be yourself and I can't see you being the type of person to pretend to be something you are not, especially for a long term relationship, it would be foolish.

 

There is no "logical" explanation, it really is like that for many people. And unfortunately also, people who are very put together, can sometimes attract people that would take advantage of it, be it for living space or financial reasons.

 

In the end, it would be best to let those that keep their hands in the burner be just an after thought, there is no real way to logically figure it out. It's like that one spider breed, where after having intercourse, the female kills and eats the male. They know they are going die, but yet they still do it, wtf is up with that???

[Phoe]

While certainly worthy of reflection, how you feel and behave isn't so different from a lot of other people. We have often differing feelings and behaviors in differing interpersonal relationships and relations. Identifying your differences and how they impel what you feel are 'wrong' choices and asking 'why' and working through to your own answer IMO is key to success. Does success guarantee a loving relationship? Nope! It simply defines parameters which you identify with as your personal style of health in relationships and relations. Will everyone agree? Nope! Will you always be a bit outlier, if you feel you are? Maybe! That's just how life goes. There's no perfect recipe for everything. There's just life.

 

 

 

I don't personally see that (the unconfident/meek/lack of self esteem stuff) but I'm one of billions. I see a young lady struggling with self-identity in intimate relationships; where she 'fits' and how she meshes with potential partners and her difficulties in choosing those partners. That can be completely separate from intrinsic personality issues. IMO, again, there's no 'perfect recipe', rather a bunch of trial and error and finding what works for you.

 

 

 

If you feel comfortable in your own skin, go with that. Work on the stuff which you find unhealthy, frustrating, or, as you put it, 'wrong'. Leave the stuff you feel healthy about aside. Will others always agree? Nope! Will men not like the real Phoe? Maybe! Who do you want to be for the rest of your life? Those choices are 100% within your control. Control over other people? Zero control.

 

If this seems like it's going in circles, that's OK! Reflection and introspection can be like that. It's an imperfect process because, well, we're imperfect. Personally, I think you'll do just fine. Just the freedom of living to have this time to ponder these issues is a real gift in my book. Who knows, maybe your next choice will be the perfect one for you. Life is like that. Good luck!

 

Thanks for the post Carhill. Lots of really sensible and thought provoking stuff there, definitely appreciate it!

 

Maybe guys feel like youre setting the bar low.

 

"Im dating you because you dont smell to bad and are not a complete jerk." Im not sure if that would make a man feel good about dating you, almost like most any guy would do.

 

I can definitely see how it's not so flattering to a man.

 

The question though, is how do they even know what my standard is? I don't talk about it at all IRL, and since men never see me dating, they have no examples to go off of. There's no evidence in front of them to show what my standards are.

 

 

Hey Whirl, don't wanna thread-jack so I'll respond to this in my other thread.

 

Phoe, I wonder if maybe you're almost too perfect? I don't mean that you don't have flaws or are intentionally cocky or anything like that. I mean more like... when I meet someone who is fantastic on all levels and has it really together, and doesn't seem to display at least one flaw, I start to feel like either the person is faking something, or that I can't relate to them in some way.

 

It's like... here I am, this hobbit who has never ventured out of the Shire, and I'm talking to this tall, glamorous, wise elf. I'll admire the elf, but I'm not sure I could ever be friends with her, because I'd always feel like we were from two different worlds.

 

I mentioned early that "friction" is something a lot of sexual tension can be built off of. I think "flaws" is kind of similar. If people can't figure out what's "wrong" with you, they may start inventing reasons, thus giving them an excuse as to why they distance themselves. They could also feel like they can't relate to you, because here they are, a muck up in A, B and C, and you've just got it all perfect and together.

 

I don't fully buy the whole "You're intimidating" thing, but in this case, you really might be! A lack of any obvious flaws and a lack of any kind of "friction" (outward sexual tension or cockiness or slight bitchiness) might make people feel as if you're that glamorous she-elf... untouchable.

 

I'm definitely flawed (I'm sure my exes would love to start a list of the flaws ).

 

I'm severely stubborn, sometimes can be too much of a perfectionist, can come off as a know-it-all, and am a bit of an oddball sometimes.

 

Sometimes I get mad at things I shouldn't get mad at. Sometimes I think negative thoughts about people without fair reason. Sometimes I'm too stuck in my own head to see another's point of view.

 

But I try to stay aware of myself. And I accept that no matter what I will still make mistakes. Plenty of them.

[Phoe]

This is actually quite easy to answer and I think a few posters have mentioned it. Men like to feel needed, and I'd bet these women give out huge vibes of "help little olé me", it's commonly known as the white knight syndrome. Being needed can be a very attractive trait, to both genders in fact, and add in some ego strokes in there, it will make men want to go back.

 

You wonder why the guys, after being hurt and cheated go back? They try to rationalize the bad behavior, oh she has it rough, she can be really sweet (ego boosting), I remember the good times, etc.

 

However you Phoe, from your posts are very put together, have real control over your life, and have even mentioned before I believe that if you were alone your entire life you would be fine with it, but prefer to be with someone. And that on itself is your catch 22, you can't give off that damsel in distress scene, because you aren't, and if you tried to imitate it, well you really wouldn't be yourself and I can't see you being the type of person to pretend to be something you are not, especially for a long term relationship, it would be foolish.

 

There is no "logical" explanation, it really is like that for many people. And unfortunately also, people who are very put together, can sometimes attract people that would take advantage of it, be it for living space or financial reasons.

 

In the end, it would be best to let those that keep their hands in the burner be just an after thought, there is no real way to logically figure it out. It's like that one spider breed, where after having intercourse, the female kills and eats the male. They know they are going die, but yet they still do it, wtf is up with that???

 

Ah yes. The damsel in distress bit is something I've always known I could never do.

 

It's been suggested to me a fair amount of times that I try it. I just can't. Like you said, I can't pretend.

 

And indeed, it ends up attracting those who take advantage.

 

I suppose for many men it is instinctual to "help" and be "needed", and my inability to cater to that instinct leaves me with far fewer men who will be interested. Many of whom, are users.

 

I sometimes wonder if my father intentionally raised me to be a dating failure, in hopes that men would stay away from his daughter

[contact1]

I sometimes wonder if my father intentionally raised me to be a dating failure, in hopes that men would stay away from his daughter

 

If I ever have a daughter, I'ma have to get your father's number for some... parental advice

[contact1]

But in all seriousness, it is best to be yourself, for when you do find someone to be with you, they are because you are just being Phoe and not disaster Sally

[Leigh 87]

I am a classic example of a woman who has gone for obviously wrong matches. It happened to me twice - going for players and unavailable men.

 

Here is my story.

 

I pursue the wrong choices because of the instant intense chemistry and attraction thing. If it is that good, I have overlooked red flags. Never again.

 

I can tell they don't give a damn about 99% of women they encounter, and I too act aloof and cold; it is an act. The friction has made "players" melt somewhat, and actually think they may want to change for me. Two of them "thought" they wanted to change only to run at the first sign of trouble, rather than opt to overcome it. It happened twice - two player types got hooked on our intense sexual friction and "thought" they wanted to change for me. I knew their true colours... I knew they would run at he first sign of trouble, rather than work to overcome it. Not ready for real emotional investments but happy to buy into the intense passion and high I gave them. But I was no better. I know who they were, when a man tells you who they are, believe them.

 

The types of guys I go for are intensely attracted to me and I them - from the get go. This can cause even the most hardened players to "melt" temporarily and genuinely think " get this high hasn't happened to me for ages, lets go with it, maybe it is for real". Not all players are bad people and they can be genuine when they want to "change" for you, but their true character makes it very hard for them to truly invest unless it is always blissful and peaches and roses; at the first sign of trouble they bolt. They never wanted to commit whole heartedly, they only "thought" they did because the big "feelings" they had for you are enough to give them instant gratification enough for them to want to chase and maintain their "high feelings" that certain women give them.

 

I guess some women like me thrive on the challenge of "almost" being the one to change a players ways. You really do, in the moment, think you can change them. And in my case, they too thought I could possibly be the one to change them.Both guys admitted as such to me when it was over. ... They admitted they let their " instant" reaction to me trigger a switch to flip in them "briefly", and they said it was a nice change from the years of " I am just not crazy about anyone so I will treat them like whatever"

 

Bad guys like to be nice once in a while when they are into someone, but I have let the instant magic misguide me to the true character of a man, which I know will shine through very easily when things stop being " blissful" 24/7......

 

In short: intense chemistry and passion that is effortless and happens early on can make you very inclined to explore it, even with the obviously wrong choice. Even the players themselves have been blinded by "feelings" and ignored their true character albeit briefly, for about 1 month or less on both occasions.

 

And the obvious wrong choice can be more appealing than those who you don't feel excited about, and who you don't care about when their name flashes up on your phone......

 

There is a healthy way to go about it, thankfully - it is called getting to know a guy who you ARE excited about, before you both try to build it into something that it is not.

 

 

 

 

Taylor Swifts "Trouble" and " Blank Space" are the stories of my life:o:(

[Leigh 87]

And Phoe - some guys prefer to go for the fiery passion with obviously WRONG long term choices.

 

You are stable and level headed and I am sure you don't garner the " she is a challenge" or " fiery passion" trigger that only comes hand in hand with friction.

 

I have a few issues and I generate a lot of" fire" from men - they are intensely attracted to me for the WRONG reasons.

 

I may get a lot of dates but I am obviously their wrong choice and they overlook it in the name of attraction and "chemistry":sick:

 

They knew the right choices won't feel like "that" but they chase the fireworks and "high" of infatuation and the feeling of falling " hard" for someone.

 

Some men seek out women they are intensely attracted to - and who they KNOW, on a subconscious level, will generate fire and passion.

 

I find players go for that excitement with the obviously wrong choices in women - they can SENSE it, they don't have the self awareness (my players certainly didn't) to know what they were doing. They wanted to chase a high and I was guilty of it too, knowing they were obviously wrong choices.

 

Lets just say, there are instant sparks and then there are "instant sparks" - the unhealthy kind that are like fireworks on steroids BECAUSE it is so shaky and unstable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You sound like such a nice and stable girl who guys don't feel that sense of " drama" about and then pursue you for the WRONG reasons.

[Phoe]

Leigh, you are quite smart and have learned from your choices.

 

Sure, you went for the fiery passion and frictiony "wrong" choice... and didn't have the best outcomes.

 

But you learn and you adapt. You try to find a balance. That passion is important to you, but you don't want to have a disastrous ending either, so you look for the happy medium, the best of both worlds.

 

Some folks just don't seem to learn though and don't have even close to the sense of self-awareness that you have of yourself.

 

It's frustrating to watch good people that I like shoot themselves in the foot over and over and over...

[Phoe]

Taylor Swifts "Trouble" and " Blank Space" are the stories of my life:o:(

 

Such a distinct difference for me! Because, while those are songs that I find catchy, I can't even remotely relate to the lyrics!

[William]

Folks, one of our hydras has taken a liking to trolling this thread so, if anything seems off and unproductive, and the member is new, just ignore it. Unfortunately, with thousands of members, we can't keep up with some of this stuff as fast as they post so we'll ask members to help by not responding to such postings and continuing to address the topic and the thread starter. Thanks!

[contact1]

Duly noted above, sorry

 

Phoe, I am a bit curious, as you mentioned your only criteria is good hygiene and being nice, but I know there has to be more. Like I'm sure you wouldn't go off dating a serial killer ( though I guess that wouldn't really make them nice ) but are there any other factors that may not be mentioned or asked? Like aside from looks and the oh ever to common height, is there a certain age you look for or have a limit to? Any kind of history or baggage that would steer you away from someone, like a previous marriage (divorcees) or children in the person's life? Religion perhaps, and not just in the context of having to be the same as yours, but also is someone who is, how to best put it, way too deep in their own religion? Intellect level of the person? I think you mentioned about financial stability before, in that they should be able to pay their own bills, correct me if I am wrong.

[Phoe]

Duly noted above, sorry

 

Phoe, I am a bit curious, as you mentioned your only criteria is good hygiene and being nice, but I know there has to be more. Like I'm sure you wouldn't go off dating a serial killer ( though I guess that wouldn't really make them nice ) but are there any other factors that may not be mentioned or asked? Like aside from looks and the oh ever to common height, is there a certain age you look for or have a limit to? Any kind of history or baggage that would steer you away from someone, like a previous marriage (divorcees) or children in the person's life? Religion perhaps, and not just in the context of having to be the same as yours, but also is someone who is, how to best put it, way too deep in their own religion? Intellect level of the person? I think you mentioned about financial stability before, in that they should be able to pay their own bills, correct me if I am wrong.

 

Being a nice person with good hygiene are the most important.

 

Looks and height don't matter one bit.

 

I'd prefer that someone not have children but it's not essential, but I've never been pursued by someone with children.

 

I'm non-religious and am not concerned with the religion of others so long as they don't try to push anything on me.

 

Age, I definitely would like to keep to my age range. I'm in my 20's, I'd prefer to date other's in their 20's. Not a rule, just a preference. All the men I've dated are in my age range.

 

Intellect level, just don't be extremely dumb. Common sense is good!

 

Yes, I'd prefer a man be able to pay his own bills. I've paid for men too many times. I really don't want to be repeatedly being asked for money.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, you are quite smart and have learned from your choices.

 

Sure, you went for the fiery passion and frictiony "wrong" choice... and didn't have the best outcomes.

 

But you learn and you adapt. You try to find a balance. That passion is important to you, but you don't want to have a disastrous ending either, so you look for the happy medium, the best of both worlds.

 

Some folks just don't seem to learn though and don't have even close to the sense of self-awareness that you have of yourself.

 

It's frustrating to watch good people that I like shoot themselves in the foot over and over and over...

 

Crashing and burning twice in the past 2 years has proved enough. I don't regret it though and the time spent with them far exceeds the fallout.

 

Me and my players didn't want to get to know one another - we wanted the high that a normal courting cannot bring.

 

I am going to see my therapist tonight in order to try to overcome my unhealthy tendency towards wanting to "almost" catch a player.

 

Players aren't all bad, they did 'think' they wanted to make something of it in both instances. For a moment they did.

 

Sometimes, two people don't register that it is the obvious wrong choice from the outset - it is a "subconscious" feeling, deep down they knew they weren't ready or I wasn't 'it' (but close, more so than other girls they have met).

 

People are good at wanting to let their "feelings" mask the reality, I think everyone on here has been guilty of it at one stage.

 

You let your feelings govern your will to stay with your ex, just the same way I did. As most people have done at some stage in their lives.

[Leigh 87]

Such a distinct difference for me! Because, while those are songs that I find catchy, I can't even remotely relate to the lyrics!

 

 

 

I am glad they are the stories of my life, I had fun but I have made the choice to NOT make this an ongoing thing in my life.

 

I had my fun, I have gambled enough and have not yet lost - I still came out with a "high", I am still better off than when I started out - I have had far more good times than the brief 'low' of each guy exiting my life.

 

Each " obviously wrong choice" guy has enhanced my life more than their break up has detracted from it.

 

If me and other women in my predicament are to continue to go for players and unavailable men, the "fun" wears off and damage will start to exceed the joy we derived from these fiery and short lived dalliances.

[No Limit]

I don't understand it either. Just joined a new guild in an online game a few days ago and seeing how the leader told me that there were many who are getting married and kids I expected the average age to be mid-20s.

 

Well, as I found out yesterday I was wrong - had a chat with one of them whose baby is due in March this year. She's 19 years old and the father of the child is a 27 year old guy who as she stated "doesn't have a grip of life" - well duh, why would you ever bother with a big boy instead of a real man? Now they're not even together anymore and apparently he hasn't shown his face in quite some time either, I doubt he's going to take any responsibility for his daughter. But why in the world would you get pregnant by losers like that?

 

Same counts from that one case in which a guy attempted to pity-coax me into becoming his side-girl a few weeks ago. If it was really true what he said - why do you bother with a girl if all she does is b!tch at you and refuse sex for 2 years already? And since they apparently got together when she cheated on her old BF with him, how can you be so blind not to see that she most likely has been having something on the side all the time?

 

Common sense isn't really all that common anymore.

[Emilia]

I am low maintenance because that's what makes me happy. I have no interest in doing high maintenance things. It simultaneously bores and exhausts me. I get no pleasure from it. I don't do it to "be different from other women". I have no qualms with whether other women want to get their hair and nails done. I don't care how long other women take to get ready, how many products they own or wear. I don't care. As long as they are happy that's fine. But don't tell me that there's some sort of ulterior motive because I simply enjoy doing something else.

 

I'm not gonna spend time and money I don't have, on things I don't want or need, simply to be what others think I should be, or be what others "think I am rejecting". I am not rejecting anything. There is nothing intentional in my "rejection". It's as if people think me "rejecting" being high maintenance is like I'm rebelling against "being a woman". As if there's some sort of mini anarchist inside me telling me to "be different".

 

No. I just do what I like. Being low-maintenance and minimalist makes me happy and eases stress from my life. Therefore I am happy and proud of myself for it.

 

If being "high maintenance" made me happy and eased stress, I'd just as quickly be proud of myself for that.

 

Quite simply, if there is something about myself that makes me happy, I am proud. And that's that!

That's all good but from what I have seen, men like women that make an effort. It's not that they want a whining Princess that complains about everything but they like women that know how to be a bit sexy and sassy. They respect it when a woman knows how to make the most of her looks. They want to be proud of having her on their arm making their mates jealous.

 

You are perfectly entitled to decide for yourself whether you wish to be low maintenance or not but people will have a certain perception of you based on that and as a regular poster likes saying: 'perception is everything'.

 

I think some of that is related to the stress you feel you would exprience by being out there more, being more competitive with other women, etc. That sort of outgoing visibility is attractive and men like it. You don't have to do it and it is completely your choice but you will be ignored more by the opposite sex as a result. Obviously not by all but by many.

 

In my experience it doesn't pay in life to be modest and quiet. Not from a work promotion point of view, not from a sexual point of view.

[Emilia]

Being a nice person with good hygiene are the most important.

 

Looks and height don't matter one bit.

 

I'd prefer that someone not have children but it's not essential, but I've never been pursued by someone with children.

 

I'm non-religious and am not concerned with the religion of others so long as they don't try to push anything on me.

 

Age, I definitely would like to keep to my age range. I'm in my 20's, I'd prefer to date other's in their 20's. Not a rule, just a preference. All the men I've dated are in my age range.

 

Intellect level, just don't be extremely dumb. Common sense is good!

 

Yes, I'd prefer a man be able to pay his own bills. I've paid for men too many times. I really don't want to be repeatedly being asked for money.

You don't have high enough expectations....

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Where'd you get the impression that nobody talks to me IRL?

 

I really meant more so romantically. Since you get no romantic attention, potential suitors aren't able to tell you whether you come across as meek because you have none of which to speak however you've stated a few times in the past you seem to be met with derision by men in general, whether you were interested in them or not. Which also gives that impression.

 

It always boggles me when people seem to have a very clear distaste for the fact that I am happy to be low maintenance and always have to put in quotations that I insist that I'm "not like other girls". As if I'm putting up a very clear and distinct barrier. That is not something I am doing. That is something that you poster who think that are simply choosing to project onto me of your own volition. That is not the way I think.

 

Phoe, gently, this whole thread is based around the fact that you're not like other girls, only the ones in your office this time...you know, the ones getting all the attention... You worded things a little differently here and posed it as a genuine question with a desire to "learn" but the basic tenor is "Why are those women getting dates instead of me when I'm so different and much better?"

 

I'm seriously not trying to berate you because I have zero qualms with you but it's almost like you have selective memory and/or next to zero recollection of your post history. If a guy says women are xyz in a thread, you are very quick to assert how you are not like that and go on to list the multitude of traits about yourself we're now all well acquainted with.

 

The tacit implication there is how unlike other girls you really are. Perhaps that's not your intent but that's the way it comes off. And honestly, if "people" - unbiased people from all walks of life at that - are saying they get a certain impression of you, how much longer can you assert we're either misunderstanding or projecting? I mean, we can't all be crazy.

 

I am low maintenance because that's what makes me happy. I have no interest in doing high maintenance things. It simultaneously bores and exhausts me. I get no pleasure from it. I don't do it to "be different from other women".

 

No one's saying that. What we are saying is that with you, it's as if you seem to take "low maintenance" to an entirely different level at which point it is more akin to no maintenance. You don't have to be a high maintenance train wreck but FROM THE TONE OF YOUR POSTS it's as if you equate having any standards at all as being some sort of dreadful, challenging bitch.

 

No. I just do what I like. Being low-maintenance and minimalist makes me happy and eases stress from my life. Therefore I am happy and proud of myself for it.

 

Okay well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having pride in that, but maybe have your pride a bit more....quietly? Because you and I have very similar standards/requirements and like-minded attitudes yet only a handful of people around here would even know that about me because I don't constantly make a point of mentioning it.

 

Anyway, you've made this whole post more or less about your chill and low maintenance attitude or what have you and how you don't want to change that about yourself while simultaneously on a thread where you claim to be wondering how to change yourself into a more desirable woman. Idgi .

[hotpotato]

Thanks for the post Carhill. Lots of really sensible and thought provoking stuff there, definitely appreciate it!

 

 

 

I can definitely see how it's not so flattering to a man.

 

The question though, is how do they even know what my standard is? I don't talk about it at all IRL, and since men never see me dating, they have no examples to go off of. There's no evidence in front of them to show what my standards are.

 

 

 

 

I'm definitely flawed (I'm sure my exes would love to start a list of the flaws ).

 

I'm severely stubborn, sometimes can be too much of a perfectionist, can come off as a know-it-all, and am a bit of an oddball sometimes.

 

Sometimes I get mad at things I shouldn't get mad at. Sometimes I think negative thoughts about people without fair reason. Sometimes I'm too stuck in my own head to see another's point of view.

 

But I try to stay aware of myself. And I accept that no matter what I will still make mistakes. Plenty of them.

 

Maybe they cant tell exactly whats going on but instead are getting that vibe from you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe they cant tell exactly whats going on but instead are getting that vibe from you.

 

Yup, I think it's probably the vibe. I have been told that I give a "wants a serious relationship" vibe and that's why player types stay away from me. I never actually say this, but I can sense that they see me as a "boring good girl". My job, apartment and lifestyle also give that impression. I have been told by some guy today that I am a "female nerd" so whatever.

 

You probably give an impression of something off-putting too. Men base their attraction on instinct even more so than women.

 

There must be a reason why despite decent looks we don't attract guys. Not sure how to change it though.

[hotpotato]

Yup, I think it's probably the vibe. I have been told that I give a "wants a serious relationship" vibe and that's why player types stay away from me. I never actually say this, but I can sense that they see me as a "boring good girl". My job, apartment and lifestyle also give that impression. I have been told by some guy today that I am a "female nerd" so whatever.

 

You probably give an impression of something off-putting too. Men base their attraction on instinct even more so than women.

 

There must be a reason why despite decent looks we don't attract guys. Not sure how to change it though.

 

Hot tater is nerdy

Eternal Sunshine is nerdy

Phoe is nerdy?

 

There could be a pattern here.