Long list of hurts... too sensitive?

[harrybrown]

Why should she change from the cheating spouse?

 

Did you tell your family and kids what she did?

 

You can't control her, but there can be some consequences of treating you so badly.

 

Did she have to get tested for stds? Did she help expose the OM to his wife for their cheating?

 

Did she confess to others? I can't really see the change especially with her 2 hour "goodbye" phone call.

 

I do not see why you did not drive her over to the OM's house and tell her to have a nice life.

[Hardgrind]

When I saw your list, what came to mind is a question you need to ask and answer.

 

 

Was the affair by your wife out of character for her, or is it simply an manifestation of the core person she really is?

 

 

From your list, it sounds like the affair may be consistent with her fundamental nature. If she is not begging you to stay and is not willing to put hard work into improving the marriage, I think you can expect a lifetime of misery if you stay with her. Just my opinion. You know her better than we do so try to answer the key question:

 

 

Is cheating by your wife an aberration or is it consistent with her character and other behaviors?

[Lion Heart]

I'm sorry bro, but if my wife did a 1/4 of the things you listed on top of the cheating, I would have left. Dude your wife does not give a crap about you. She doesn't love you, she is dependent on you. I would never stay with someone that doesn't appreciate me. You have been selfless for far too long, I think its time for you to be selfish. This includes leaving your wife and finding someone that appreciates you. You will be surprised how many women out there would kill to be with someone like you. Your wife is never going to understand how good she had it until you leave her.

 

I totally agree with ^^^^^.

 

MAN HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH HER?????

 

I have to tell you, I think you're incredible. Your resilience! Don't martyr yourself.

Your focus on training that you're still thin after 31 years of THAT marriage. She's SO lucky you just didn't go to your shed in your back yard (if she let you have one, then let you go there grrr), then drink yourself stupid every single night of your marriage. You'd have a massive gut and possibly no job. Would she have preferred that man?

 

You've put in a massive innings, 31 years then the final CROWNING INSULT. An affair.

 

Why on earth is she still there? REALLY HAVE YOU WORKED THAT OUT? I'd say money, the house and "keeping up appearances" because you have children (grown now I hope?).

 

I read your list and thought "my WH did that one" miss one, he did that too, miss one, my WH probably thought I did that at times. And so on. 15 years of parts of your list and WE THOUGHT WE HAD A BAD MARRIAGE! and we did according to us.

 

According to you, did you?

 

What on earth do you hope for by R?

More even and fair communication?

More fulfilling intimacy?

Sex?

Creation of a friendship with her? (Cause your good friends don't treat you badly I hope! )

Are these BARE ESSENTIALS EVER GONNA HAPPEN?

or

A shared asset of a home? While she continues to suck you dry in a bad way.

Family times? Cause you can DEFINITELY have great times with your kids without her! Crikeys the kids may not recognize the happy, relaxed but still super fit guy you become when you leave her! And when you meet a lovely new lady (eventually) I think the kids will stop worrying about you. Be happy for their great dad that put up with so much for the love of his family.

My Dr said yesterday, think of your marriage moving forward rationally, like a business decision.

So who's gonna benefit more if you stay .... HER.

Who's gonna benefit more if you leave...... YOU.

 

 

And then what will the kids notice about their mother? (Writers license here) She's even crazier not having her verbal punching bag around any more. She's broke? Yeah too bad, too sad. Pfff

She's sorry? Um which items on your list is she so sorry about and willing to change ever? None because she'd need a labotomy to truly change after a LIFE TIME of horribly disrespectful bad bad habits and she's not gonna do it for you, why should she? You've put up with worse for 31 years!

 

Start now, kindly for a bit, if you have to. Get your own bank account. She has no access. Tell her to get a job if she's not breastfeeding or has toddlers at home. Give her nothing. Yeah those are my kind suggestions.

 

She doesn't deserve your kindness.

 

BUTT TO THE CURB

 

Lion Heart.

[mikethemechanic]

So the strategy is make her get a job, at this point your obviously not willing to divorce her. Why not give her an ultimatum to start writing her resume and to present to you by the end of next week.

[Winterina]

OP, you say "Blaming me entirely for relationship problems in the past / with me usually accepting all responsibility"

 

 

I am curious what did you do to accept the responsibility? It cannot be nothing as you would not really accept any responsibility over nothing.

 

 

It is easy to side with you when you present the problem. I would like to hear her side of the story too.

What is HER side of the story?

[Mal78]

Good people don't treat you like crap just because you have poor bounderies. They treat you like crap because of who they are. I understand that OP needs stronger bounderies, but, from the list, his wife just sounds like a selfish, nasty, person. Stronger bounderies from him won't change this, but they might help him get out of a bad relationship.

 

"You teach people how to treat you"

 

Good people, perhaps from boundary-less childhood will treat others based on what others allow. If you continue to let something be ok, no communication or verbal boundaries and inside you resent/hate being ie. Being taken advantage of. Unless you aren't willing to speak up and communicate what is/isn't acceptable to you the behaviors continue.

 

It's human nature to take from others (especially those you love), it's also human nature to give but that can also be pushed too far, advantage of or taken unknowingly for granted.

 

It can be frustrating when someone gripes about a boss, their spouse, a family member...ect over and over yet they don't do/say anything eventually you say (or want to say) "unless you don't do anything about it I don't want to hear about it"

[spanz1]

My wife ended her affair about 3 months ago and I'm undecided if I want to remain married....

 

Could not have phone sex or send me naked pics yet did with affair partner

Not realizing how addicted she was to Facebook / or how damaging it is and not considering my opinion when I warned her about Facebook in 2013

 

yeah that is probably the cruelest part of the affair. giving the affair partner all the kinky over-the-top sex you had been begging for for decades. if she refused to give me more and kinkier sex than she gave him...it would instantly be over. no R. no counselling. Part of her remorse would have to be proving to me that I was the only one she wanted, and sex acts would be the first 4 places holders on my check off list.