Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?

[lovesickgirl]

Do people really change their dating habits?

 

I just recently found out my ex of 2 years had been cheating on me. The cheatee came forward and we compared stories. The way he treated her was déjàvu to my relationship.

 

He's mentally abusive, great compulsive liar and narcissistic.

( yes I have blocked him out of my life completely)

 

I found out yesterday the girl he denied he was dating is now his official gf.

He treats her like a princess, something I saw out of him for me only a few months.

 

I posted in another forum "my cheating ex has a new gf, ouch"

The new girls friend posted "stop harassing him and my best friend aka the new and improved girlfriend"

 

Double ouch. I can't help but wonder will he finally man up and become a man or once a cheater always a cheater? Do people really change for the better when they've been at their worst?

 

I want feed back and stories.

I personally would like to think that sometimes we are set in our ways unless we truly want to change for ourselves, no one else.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Oh lovesickgirl, this is such a hard question to answer,

It's akin to asking who is the world's best dancer,

So instead of giving you an answer that is naught,

I shall give you an answer from an experience that was taught.

 

I've only every cheated once, and it was arguable at best,

However, technicalities aside, it still made me feel like ****,

Even though the person I was with completely deserving,

The stress and negativity that followed was insanely unnerving.

 

I was foolish and I was young,

I was selfish and I was dumb,

But if you were to ask me if I ever wanted to do it once more,

I'd be quick to say no....I'd rather just leave the cheating whore.

[insert_name]

It depends on whether the person has learnt from it. I broke a girl's heart and I still feel bad about it- so I'm pretty confident I would not cheat again.

[lovesickgirl]

Well to sum up my entire relation with him

 

The life of a Narcissist is filled with paradoxes. He desires the stability that a loving relationship brings, but he cannot tolerate routine and boredom. He fears being abandoned, yet feels claustrophobic and has an uncontrollable desire to flee. He seeks love and adoration from others, but wants to be alone. Simply put, a Narcissist is NEVER happy. Always remember that the primary goal of a Narcissist is to obtain Narcissistic Supply. Everything he does – everything – is to alleviate the anxieties that come with his impairment.

[me85]

I'd like to say no, that's not always true but I think maybe it is. I've never cheated but I've been cheated on by someone who had a history of cheating.

[carhill]

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?

 

No more or less than any other personality characteristic or behavior is permanently engrained.

 

He apparently did cheat on you. That's unacceptable. Go with that.

[KimmyBee]

I think that phrase is so silly. No one knows every cheater. I think people can change but I hear more about cheaters cheating again. I wouldn't forgive one... too many trust issues to deal with. He will probably cheat again... He sounds so childish and has issues. He may regret it in time.

[TashaTudor]

My ex narcissist cheated for the majority of the marriage. He's now with his mistress. He told me that he has finally found "the one". On Facebook, they seem so in love.

 

Just before I left him, I found out that he had recently set up an Ashley Madison acct. So he was starting to cheat on her also.

 

Cheaters cross a moral threshold. Once they pass that threshold, it becomes easier for them, just another vice. Narcissist cheaters are particularly prone to cheat, imo. The supply has to be there. The minute they feel threatened by possible abandonment or loss of narcissist supply, they busily find new sources. Some keep a set of back up supply of relationships that they keep on rotation. A lot of cheaters stay in contact with old exes as a "just in case".

 

I do think once a narcissist always a narcissist. And narcissist tend to cheat.

[EmperorR]

I don't but doesn't mean I'll take the risk to find out.

[orangetree]

'Once a cheater always a cheater'- Definitely not. Of course there are tons of people who will cheat over and over again, doesn't matter what partner they have. But there are many people who are different.

 

I'm an example- I cheated on my ex once, for non-legimate reasons like I wasn't really happy and not so much in love anymore (I know I should have broken up much sooner, but I was so used to him and didn't want to completely live without him). Ever since I never cheated again. I've been with a new man for 2.5 years now and I have never cheated on him, neither do I have the desire to. I'm 99.999% sure I'll never cheat again.

[Amandat1990]

I honestly can say that no I don't believe that for a second, I was in a situation where I was the one who cheated on my spouse (only emotionally, no sex, kissing involved.) I thought I was going to die from the overwhelming amount of guilt I was feeling about the whole thing. when I finally came clean, it become clear to me that I was about to lose my husband, I realized then how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, that I couldn't love without him in my life. When you are in a situation such as this, sometimes when the guilt hits, its a reality check. I know for a fact that I will never go to that place no matter what is going on in my marriage. Not everyone is the same, but I do believe in the power of second chances, I was lucky enough to get one, and im sure I wont mess it up.

[Justanaverageguy]

I honestly can say that no I don't believe that for a second, I was in a situation where I was the one who cheated on my spouse (only emotionally, no sex, kissing involved.) I thought I was going to die from the overwhelming amount of guilt I was feeling about the whole thing. when I finally came clean, it become clear to me that I was about to lose my husband, I realized then how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, that I couldn't love without him in my life. When you are in a situation such as this, sometimes when the guilt hits, its a reality check. I know for a fact that I will never go to that place no matter what is going on in my marriage. Not everyone is the same, but I do believe in the power of second chances, I was lucky enough to get one, and im sure I wont mess it up.

 

I think the word you used there - "guilt" - is key and has a lot to do with repeat cheaters. Guilt is specifically an emotion concerned with how your action will affect others. When you feel guilty, you recognize that your actions were wrong and not in line with your values - because they will have negative consequences for someone else. Your reaction described above is normal. You were tempted to do something wrong, maybe even crossed the line a little .... but your "guilt" intervened and stopped you because you realized how it would affect your husband. That's a normal, healthy human reaction. That's how it is meant to work.

 

I have seen up close people who either do not get that "guilt" emotion when cheating or are able to completely block it out. Perhaps because they have learned to push through and ignore the emotion it no longer holds the same power it once did - or maybe because they just never felt it as strongly. I'm not really sure but this is the key thing I have seen with people who repetitively cheat.

 

These people did not have a great deal of regard for how their actions would affect their partner. Instead what these people do feel is normally intense shame - if / when they get caught or even after the fact if they get away with it. But guilt and shame are not the same thing. Shame is actually not concerned with how your actions affect others. It is purely concerned with how an individual is perceived by others - and also how they perceive them self. It is a completely self focused emotion.

 

eg: I feel guilty for cheating - because it would hurt my partner.

I feel shame for cheating because it means I am a bad person - It means I don't hold the virtues of loyalty, honesty and faithfullness. Others would view me negatively if they found out.

 

Shame is all about - ME - who I am and how I am viewed. Guilt is about how your actions affect others. The difference between people who repetively cheat comes down to how people feel these two emotions.

 

If you find someone who has cheated previously and you ask them about it .... and their answer is about how bad they feel about it. About the pain and remorse they feel due to the pain it caused their partner. (Similar to Amandat did above) They will likely have learned from that mistake and not do it again.

 

If you ask them and they tell you how much of an assehole/bitch their ex partner was - how they were awful, treated them badly even "deserved it". I would steer well well clear. Thats narcissistic deflection to try and offload their shame and means they will likely repeat offend. These claims are almost always grossly exaggerated and basically means the person feels they have a justification to cheat under the right circumstances.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Diezel]

I believe that "Once a cheater in a relationship, always a perceived cheater in that relationship."

 

Once that bond is fractured, it will NEVER be the same. No matter what anyone could ever say about how much their current relationship assimilates their pre-cheating relationship, once that is out of the bag, nothing is ever the same.

[PegNosePete]

No I do not believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater".

But I do believe "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

I would never reconcile with or take back a cheater.

[Clay]

I do believe in Once a cheater always a cheater. It doesn't mean some cheaters learn from there experience and walk away from doing that but it does not change that they are more prone to go that way if things are not working out the way they want. The odds you find a person that will only cheat once in there entire life is extremely rare. The other questions are not just about cheating.

 

Do you really want to be with someone that has no problem betraying your trust and intentionally hurting your feelings for there own gain. A person like this doesn't really just have to cheat to do this. They can do this in many other ways. I think this is the part that bothers me the most. Imagine if you have kids and the kids are getting in the way of them doing what they want. What makes a person think they wont hurt them as well.

 

I think cheating is just the tip of the Iceberg to how messed them they really are. Your best to just get away from someone like that all together.

 

Clay

[Not_Mike]

I cheated on an old girlfriend. She found out, mad as hell of course. I never cheated again the 5 years we lived together. But she did remind me of the cheating often, all 5 years. She never got over it. We broke up because I found out she was cheating. She said she had been revenge cheating as soon as she caught me. She said most were one night stands on girls trips. But there were a few long term relationships. She said about 8 men total. So no, a cheater will not always be a cheater.

[mercuryshadow]

It is hard to say for sure; I don't believe there is a definitive answer to this. I believe I was involved with a calculating opportunist who also had a big disconnect to his conscience. This kind of person, I discovered, will become a repeat offender. From your perspective, you have to be mindful of patterns. In other words: mistakes are mistakes until they are repeated consciously.

 

I hope you don't waste your time and energy on this guy anymore. The good news is: inherent cheater or not, he's not your problem now. And anyone who seeks you out to make you feel worse than you already do is NOT secure in their situation. Keep that in mind.

[drifter777]

I believe that most cheaters have narcissistic tenancies and feel entitled to a better life just because - well - just because. They find a reason to cheat, whether it is real or not, and will likely continue doing it until they are caught. Then they have to decide whether their narcissistic needs are better served by keeping their BS satisfied by not cheating. Or else they risk it all - because they are entitled to satisfy their every want - and just smooth it over and find a new partner for affair-sex. These people are who they are and will always be cheaters even if they stop having sex with people other than their spouse.

[Davey L]

No more than any other kind of behaviour. Like saying once a thief always a thief.

 

Patterns of behaviour can be hard to change. Mostly they change as we age and mature. I think if each of us look at how we behaved 10, 20 or 30 years ago we see things we did that we would not consider doing now.

[No Limit]

Maybe not all cheat again, but the majority does. So yeah, once you cheat, you're out, bye bye.

[BeholdtheMan]

it become clear to me that I was about to lose my husband, I realized then how much I loved him and how much he meant to me, that I couldn't love without him in my life

 

One characteristic of cheaters is that they usually take their partners for granted. Often, they only realise their partners' importance upon almost losing them.