if you aren't official, is that not cheating?

[Jay13094]

long story short, we've only been together for 2 1/2 months, but during those months we moved really quickly and we were basically a couple, exclusive, he basically moved into my apartment, and he's met my family/friends etc. He treated me extremely well (the best I've ever been treated) and everything was.... perfect. We never had a title, but i never asked mainly because it was basically a relationship. About 3 weeks ago he started to act weird, and said "don't you think we moved too fast" "what are we gonna do when i leave" (theres a possibility he was going to move to another state). He left for vacation for 2 weeks shortly after this conversation, so we would of approx had 1 month left together. So this whole time im thinking "this sucks, we wanna be together but can't b/c he has to move" "i should get over him b/c he seems to be wanting to end things" he did not contact me during his time out of the country which i tried understanding.

 

When he came back, we had a talk to see if he still wanted this with me or not.. he told me he did, and don't want to end things. "we're serious you know.. and if we keep going down this path we're going to be bf/gf and i don't know if im ready for that i mean we're basically in a relationship you know" so he was saying lets take a step backwards. i told him well im not seeing anyone, and he said the same. The conversation ended with him saying "everything's going to work out"

 

days later i noticed he was kind of shady with his phone, and would keep texting this one girl. He fell asleep at my house and i looked through his phone (i know i shouldn't have, and never would of before but my intuition was telling otherwise). I read things I did not want read, so i told him to leave. He then did not understand why i was upset as "you're expecting me to be faithful to you.. and thats what a bf would be.. but im not your bf" while if i did this to him 2 months ago, he would of freaked.. its like since he found someone else to distract him he's been changing up his story and his attitude from before. I was saying "lets end this" and he has the audacity to tell me "end what?" "us" "there is not us.. how can we end something if there was never an us??" so here i am just so frustrating and losing it. I became good friends with this couple that he's close friends with and he still wants to hang out, and be in my life because "she's a really chill girl" If we hang out, we would still be hanging out in pairs.... and i don't understand how he can just switch from saying he likes me a lot to just seeing me as a friend? He told me he liked the other girl, but said "its easy to like someone" he hasn't been in contact with me, its only been a week. I know i need to get over this guy. But what do i do if and when he contacts me, and wants to hang out in person. Do i act cool and im fine, or do i not even give him the time of day. He's playing games right now, and i know how simple it is, but i still want your advice.

[CarrieT]

He's a player who moved WAY too fast (literally - into your apartment!?!?!)

 

Dump him and move on. There is no "being friends" with people like this. He wasn't ready to be a committed relationship and - for the record - you should know someone for at least twelve months before living with them and don't introduce them to family for three to six months.

[FancyFace]

Cut contact immediately.

 

This guy is an absolute douche that isnt worth it at all. He is a liar, user and a bloody cheat who doesnt deserve any of your time or effort. If you want friends, join Meetup, go out and meet new people, heck a goldfish would be a better friend than this guy. Friendship and Intimate Relationships are based on the same basic principles, basically love, care, trust and respect. This guy has not exhibited any of these traits so that means as he was a crappy bf, he will be a crappy friend. Plus by pulling the friend card, he has an avenue to come back to use you for money, sex, a place to stay, company, an ego boost when he feels like it. Don't give him the chance.

 

CUT CONTACT and start the process to move on with your life.

[Jay13094]

i was in an exclusive relationship with this guy for 2.5 months. All my friends knew we were together, his friends knew. He never asked me to be his gf but we took things really fast- he started being really couple-y with me posting pictures of us on his instagram, dates, basically moving in my apartment, pda in public, you name it. we were dating just w/o a title. I recently found out he was talking to another girl, and i got super upset and ended things with him. He's saying he didn't do anything wrong because "but i'm not your bf" he played that card on me, and took the cheap way out. But he did mention that we were serious, and basically in a relationship and the next step is bf/gf but he wasn't ready for that b/c of all the expectations. I feel like I got cheated on, but i wasn't even his girlfriend. Am i trippin? did i expect too much?

[Jay13094]

another thing i'll add- i even asked him before i found out about the girl if he wanted to end things with me cz he was a little weird and he said no. i asked if he wanted to see other ppl, and he said thats not what he's trying to say. I told him you're wasting my time if not and i said im not seeing other people, and yes- he told me he wasn't either and the conversation ended with "everything going to work out"

[Ieris]

You caught him off-guard, he was back tracking and trying to cover his own ass. None of what he says matters because he will say anything to get himself out of the situation so don't put too much thought into it.

 

Simply accept it, he wasted your time so don't waste yours now trying to piece together his bullsh*t excuses. All that crap he says means nothing.. don't cling onto nothing.

 

Let him go...

[Halcyon]

This guy is a royal douche nozzle you made the right choice breaking up with him. Rather than owning being caught he tried to blame it on you, there is no reasoning with people like this all they can think of is themselves.

[somedude81]

How come you guys didn't have the BF&GF / exclusivity talk before sex and especially before he moved in with you?

[Jay13094]

I didn't think we had to even talk about it because it was unnecessary since we seemed to be on the same page. He didn't officially like "move in" he just started leaving a lot of his stuff

[KimmyBee]

What he said about not being your boyfriend is just so childish. He is not willing to take responsibility of his actions. He does not respect you. I would have left him too.

[carhill]

To me, it sounds like some information came your way which impelled you to choose to discontinue association, as you are free to do at any time in life, his explanations notwithstanding. Regardless of labels, this situation didn't sit well with you so your exercised your exit rights.

 

Personally, I'd leave it at that and, as a potential benefit of this dating experience, seek to more clearly define your exclusivity with a future dating partner if and when that time arises.

 

If you have been sexually active with him, I'd suggest a panel to confirm lack of STD's. Health is so important. Good luck!

[Elle1975]

Put his stuff in a box, give the box to him, close door. Yap yap, he's fishing for other girls, and cover his ass with the "next step is gf" bs, don't drink the Koolaid. Dude is a douche.

[Elle1975]

Stop buying what he's telling you. Dude is a liar, and a manipulator. He's counting on your affection to be able to crash at your place.

 

Next!

[bigtrouble]

i was in an exclusive relationship with this guy for 2.5 months. All my friends knew we were together, his friends knew. He never asked me to be his gf but we took things really fast- he started being really couple-y with me posting pictures of us on his instagram, dates, basically moving in my apartment, pda in public, you name it. we were dating just w/o a title. I recently found out he was talking to another girl, and i got super upset and ended things with him. He's saying he didn't do anything wrong because "but i'm not your bf" he played that card on me, and took the cheap way out. But he did mention that we were serious, and basically in a relationship and the next step is bf/gf but he wasn't ready for that b/c of all the expectations. I feel like I got cheated on, but i wasn't even his girlfriend. Am i trippin? did i expect too much?

 

He had a poor excuse.

"Taken for Granted" is well defined in your relationship.

I would suggest you go NC and heal.

[Jay13094]

what am i supposed to do during NC if he contacts me?? i'm friends with his friends so us running into each other during NC is high too. Do i act like nothings wrong, or do i give him the cold shoulder. And so we do all agree that he's the problem is being selfish, and is considered cheating? or would we just not use that term and more "played me"

[Halcyon]

Since he cheated on you. Block/Delete his contact details, he is not worth a minute of your time. He was being unfair and he knows it but tries to deflect the blame onto you which is not cool in anyway.

[Jay13094]

I've been with this guy for 2.5 months. In the beginning he was crazy about me and moved things kind of fast but we both established it felt right. He started to be very coupley with me such as adding pictures of us on his Instagram. Spoils me, Pda in public, we were exclusive. Just had no "label" on it. We hung out almost daily, he would drive 30 min to just sleep at my house and wake up at 6am for work. (I know for a fact it wasnt because of physical cz he barely intiated it)

 

Ther was a chance he might have to move for a job which is why I thought the only problems we had in our relationship was him moving. Never did I think there was another girl in the picture.

 

2 weeks ago I found him texting another girl and he would talk to he while he was with me. I ended up looking at his texts and got super upset at what I saw so I told him to leave. Before i found out about her, literally 3 days before we had a talk and I asked if he still wanted to do this. He said yes. He also told me that we are serious, and basically already in a relationship. Our next step is to be officially labelled but he said he isn't ready for that. Which to me would change nothing since I already see him as my bf. But our convo ended with "everything's gonna be ok"

 

After I found out about him he pulls the "i dont know what you're upset, you're expecting me to be faithful, and that's what a bf is but I'm not your bf.."

 

"Let's end this" "end what" "us" "there is no us... How are we gonna end something when we weren't an us???"

 

This is where I lost it and was very hurt. How he can just switch up his story like that when I knew those 2 months were real and he even said. I know he's trying to not feel as bad but he has to know he's wrong.

 

I've been in NC for only a week since its been that long but I can't help but miss him and have a string of hope that he regrets losing me cz I treated him really well. I know the other girl is talking to her ex and another guy at the moment so while Karma will do its thing.. It hurts me to see that after he tells me how much he likes and cares for me he doesn't seem to be hurting or missing me at all. Is that cz he's already talking to someone else?? I really can't wrap my head around it.

[Josmatjes]

You have to stay no contact so he takes you seriously. If you break no contact then he will think he can walk all over you!

You can do it! Be strong!

[dumbass2]

He does sound pretty cold and handled things like a jerk but,

 

Sounds like you fell for him, but he never got to the same point. It was just dating to him. This happened to me last when things took off way too fast. You had different expectations of where things were going. You sound a little like me in that I got to a point with my ex girlfriend where I felt we needed to set some ground rules or put a label on it because I had met her on a dating site. I tried to push things because I really really liked her and was falling in love with her and it worked for a while, but then fell apart because she wasn't where I was at.

 

There is no time table for the stages of a relationship, but it's usually best if things start a little slower if it's going to last. If there is open and honest communication then there is no worry about labels. Some people get scared off by labels. Maybe because they are coming out of a relationship and just aren't ready. If you try to force a label on things too early, you miss the opportunity to grow a relationship naturally and truly get to know someone. If you're dating for a few months, hopefully there are some talks along the way with how things are going and no one trying to force the other to commit to something too early. I've learned to just let things grow and not try to force them. I've learned to have more open and honest communication, that way we are both clear as to where we both are at along the way. If it gets to a point to where I want more, then I have to be ready to have the talk and if it is not what the other person wants, then I have to be ready to accept that or end the relationship and try to find someone who wants what I want.

[Zahara]

I've been in NC for only a week since its been that long but I can't help but miss him and have a string of hope that he regrets losing me cz I treated him really well.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. There was no need to respond to you that way.

 

If he appreciated how you treated him, you wouldn't be where you are. He wasn't with you because of how you treated him but for other superficial reasons that made him easily disregard you.

 

I know the other girl is talking to her ex and another guy at the moment so while Karma will do its thing.

 

Maybe he isn't even into this girl but views her as an opportunity as well.

 

It hurts me to see that after he tells me how much he likes and cares for me he doesn't seem to be hurting or missing me at all.

 

It's not uncommon. People can spew words. It's easy. But actions present their true nature.

 

Is that cz he's already talking to someone else?? I really can't wrap my head around it.

 

I don't think he was very invested in you and that is why he was able to detach and disconnect easily. I just said this in another thread. Guys that shoot off the blocks fast, pursuing you hard, most times end up crashing and burning quickly. He did exactly that. And the moment you questioned him, he went on his way.

[Jay13094]

I've been in NC with this guy for about a week now. I ended things with him because while we were in an exclusive relationship (you can see my other posts) and i saw him texting another girl and read things that hurt me so I told him we can't do this anymore. He plays the "im not your bf card" on me so i'm really hurt. He seems to be moving on and having a great time not missing me at all- while i'm here sulking badly (he was my first serious relationship) we're in our early 20's.

 

I found out the other girl contacted him asking "if i talk to other ppl would you get mad?" "i would just start talking to someone else" "oh haha im just kidding.. i was just saying" this is the exact scenario he gave me, (meaning she's already talking to someone else) but its happening to him instead. he's saying "should i start talking to someone else??" (to his friend). But he isn't saying like "oh maybe i should talk to *me* again". I know he wasn't as invested in him as i was in him.. but our two months were very real and i just can't seem to let go of it. As soon as he met someone else he changed his story and attitude- but you think he's just moving on and not looking back and that's what i have to do and let go of the string of hope?

[I'mBatman]

I've been in NC with this guy for about a week now. I ended things with him because while we were in an exclusive relationship (you can see my other posts) and i saw him texting another girl and read things that hurt me so I told him we can't do this anymore. He plays the "im not your bf card" on me so i'm really hurt. He seems to be moving on and having a great time not missing me at all- while i'm here sulking badly (he was my first serious relationship) we're in our early 20's.

 

Two months? Serious? To be honest it doesn't sound very serious if he says your not even exclusive. I can say with almost certainty that everyone here will agree you should cut him out of your life and never look back. Don't speak to him if he contacts you again. Delete his number and unfriend/block him from social media. He sounds like a real jerk.

 

Two months is nothing and there are awesome guys out there (like me and the others on here ) who don't do crap like this. Have some respect for yourself. You deserve someone who wont treat you like crap. Someone who would be blowing up your phone begging you back right now.

[Zahara]

The two months were real to you, it wasn't "real" to him.

 

Go back and read the advice on your other thread.

 

You need to let this go. He's bad news and even if he came back, it wouldn't be a good thing for you.

[stillafool]

Considering he's in his early 20's he has more than likely moved on. Too many fish in the sea at his age. I would suggest you move on also. He's really too young to settle down unless he falls head over heels in love and even then it wouldn't be a good idea.

[AlexfromBoston]

Jay, as others have said, he's a player. I used to do the same thing and actually had two of my most recent exes go through my phone, only to find some unsavory texts. Essentially, he doesn't want to completely lose you so he is going to keep you in his back pocket...under the guise of a friendship. So basically, you're allowing him to have a quasi-relationship with you, while giving him the green light to see other women. All the while, he knows damn right well that he could just pick up the phone and have you running back at a snap of his finger. You know how to strike back at a player, by completely shutting off all contact with him. Trust me, as a former player I can cite one specific example. After I left the Marines I returned to Boston and resumed a relationship with the girl I had been dating prior to shipping out. Well, things were going fairly well but being the player that I was, I was utilizing online dating apps to meet different women on the side. Well, I ended up meeting this Puerto Rican girl named Valeria and we hit it off. The sex was amazing and we both started developing feelings for each other. Well this girl was pretty streetwise and immediately knew something was up when, on certain nights, I would not respond to her texts. Im typically Johnny on the spot with the texting. She called me out on it, I admitted that I was seeing another girl and bam, she chewed my ass out and basically told me to f*ck off. Now normally, these girls would end up texting after a few weeks when the dust settles...but not Valeria. She completely cut off contact and it drove me nuts. So I started to periodically text and call her to no avail. She blocked me and wouldn't respond to my texts. This drove me even crazier and I realized that Valeria just sucked the wind out of my sails. She hit my pride and basically made me feel like trash. So, in my eyes, she completely elevated herself onto the proverbial pedestal. This was back in 2008-2009 and to this day, I still think about her. Actually, at the beginning of 2014, when me and my current ex were on a break, I saw her picture on WhatsApp. Embarrassingly I texted her which prompted her to block me. So, the moral of this story is, cut him out of your life completely and watch how quick hell want you back. Take it from me.