MM telling wife

[farrah5451]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

[whichwayisup]

If he leaves his wife it should be because he's done with his marriage, not because of you. Just like if you leave your husband, it should be because you don't want to be married to him anymore, and you'd rather be alone.

 

The thing is, if he does leave his wife, what about your husband? Do you plan on leaving him and being with your MM full time?

[farrah5451]

I want to be with MM, so yes . Its just been so hard, the pain everyone has to go thru is awful. I actually tried talking him out of telling her.

[Lurkeraspect]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

What the hell do you want?

 

No one here can tell you what you want. While you sound very young and immature, you'll have to figure out what your willing to give up and accept.

 

Yes, his kids will likely hate him, and you.

 

Yes, the in-laws will likely dislike you.

 

Yes, you're likely throwing away a good relationship (your marriage) for a big nothing.

 

No, we can't stop you.

 

But....

 

You "love" him SO much... so really, what can a room of complete strangers tell you?

[Baby123]

What the hell do you want?

 

No one here can tell you what you want. While you sound very young and immature, you'll have to figure out what your willing to give up and accept.

 

Yes, his kids will likely hate him, and you.

 

Yes, the in-laws will likely dislike you.

 

Yes, you're likely throwing away a good relationship (your marriage) for a big nothing.

 

No, we can't stop you.

 

But....

 

You "love" him SO much... so really, what can a room of complete strangers tell you?

 

How exactly do you know he'd be thowing away a 'good' thing for 'nothing'??

 

My MM divorced for me and I'm pretty sure he'd say it was for something pretty good!

[Poppy47]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.[/quote

 

All that will happen and more. Your life will be absolutely destroyed for many years to come... maybe forever.

 

Please reconsider the consequences. YOu should be very nervous indeed.

 

I believe you are here because you are in a real turmoil. I don't believe that shooting you down for coming here will serve any purpose at all. People get very emotional and say and do irrational things at a time like this.

 

MOST people here are very willing to share their experiences and the knowledge they have gained from the past.

 

If your husband still wants to give the marriage another try, you are very fortunate. Do think it over.

 

Poppy.

[Artie Lang]

Ummm... isn't this what you two want???

 

 

you must've realized it wasn't gonna be easy riding off into the sunset together, right? your lives weren't the only ones that were gonna change... believe it or not, you involved many others in your "love" affair.

[sisa]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

for doing this, first of all you should decide if this path is what you both really want. when you two agree and make decision together, then go for it.

 

and use more of your time thinking how to minimize the pain others involve. If there is less drama then you two will have better relationship in future also.

[GirlStillStrong]

8 months is not long enough to be with someone and know what they are really like, especially if you are not living together. It takes a bare minimum of one year to even begin to get to know someone. I've read several "experts" who recommend 3 years before getting married.

 

I think both of you need to cool your heels and give it a little more time.

[cocorico]

 

I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

It all depends on how it is handled. My fMM (now H) told his kids he was in love with me, and planned to leave his xBW, and they were cool. They appreciated being kept informed and not treated like little kids, and having a sense of some agency in their lives. They didn't - and don't - hate him. When he left the xBW they moved in with us. His friends are all *our* friends now. I can't speak about the xILs because he had no relationship with them (the xBW hated them all and drove them all away). His own family were ecstatic.

 

How he handles it will largely shape relationships going forward. And, how honest he's been with them in the past. And if he loves you, and is happy with you, those who love him and want him to be happy will be pleased that he's happy.

[cocorico]

8 months is not long enough to be with someone and know what they are really like, especially if you are not living together. It takes a bare minimum of one year to even begin to get to know someone. I've read several "experts" who recommend 3 years before getting married.

 

I think both of you need to cool your heels and give it a little more time.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

If you leave immediately on meeting someone you fancy, you're being previous, rushing into things, throwing away your M without giving it a chance. If you wait a while to see how things play out, you're a disgusting lying cheat,mother scum of the earth.

 

If he gets to know you over time, confirms how deeply he loves you and then leaves - he's a lily-livered cake eater who couldn't make his mind up because real men move mountains to be with the one they love and he'd have left instantly if he was a real man. If he leaves instantly on falling for you, it's limerance, affair fog, he'll soon regret it and blame you when the bubble bursts.

 

Truth is, the MP can do no rigt here. Whatever they do, the peanuts gallery will curse and mock.

 

Follow your own values, your own common sense, your own logic. Do what works best for you. There will always be detractors telling you you're wrong. Live a life *you* are happy with. You're not in the business of keeping the peanut gallery happy.

[Mal78]

This is *all* based on hypotheticals. "IF" he tells his wife and we all know the statistics on that "IF" especially if it is riding on the coattails of you being *exposed* to her H. He will trail you along and tomorrow will turn into next week... month... year. Meanwhile your H will decide enough is enough. You will lose everything for what?

 

It's an A. Not a courtship. As don't end as lovely. You may feel people are attacking you, judging you, not supporting you here however you are wrong. What I speak of is based on the same broken record with the same results. Sure stranger things have happened but.

 

I hope you find peace in any decision that is made.

[Southerncross]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

A couple things to consider if you two follow through with this. Your concerns are valid. There will be problems, and possibly life long problems with his kids (for both of you). They're older and they will see it from more of an adult perspective. It's the nature of deal, and how you feel about him will not change that. You didn't say your age, but from your comments and the age of his kids it sounds like there may be a significant age gap between you two, over 10 years. This is also bad. At some point that will catch up to you two. Guaranteed. For typical couples, big age gaps simply don't work in anything but the short term.

[farrah5451]

Thanks for your responses. I want to answer some of your questions.....

We are both in our late 40s, both married 25 years. First time A for us both also. We knew each whenwe were 18. He says he's loved me since then. He will tell her today because he had been thinking about this before D day. He says hes always had a good marriage, no major problems , he loves his wife but not in love the way he is with me. That being said he did say if I never came into his life, he'd still be married and content. That statement troubled me. I said maybe its best if I leave, and you'll hurt for a while but you may be able to rekindle that love you have for your wife. He broke down said no. I on the other hand have had problems. Ive gone over them all with my H. This made him finally listen, finally want to change, but now im in love with someone else. I still love my H and see him trying to make changes. Hes become obssesed with me. My stomach is in a constant knot. Im scared. I love MM. Today is going to be very rough.

[whichwayisup]

I want to be with MM, so yes . Its just been so hard, the pain everyone has to go thru is awful. I actually tried talking him out of telling her.

 

But if he wants to leave, then she deserves to know why. He can't just leave and be with you, not tell her either. Their kids have a right to know what is going on too since *eventually* they may get to know you and be in your life as well.

 

Do you and your husband have kids to consider in all this?

Truth is, the MP can do no rigt here. Whatever they do, the peanuts gallery will curse and mock.

 

At the end of the day it really doesn't matter about the peanut gallery on here, what will affect them both is their own families, friends and kids that are involved as many lives will change and be affected by their decision to possibly divorce and start over together. Those are the people who count and mean something to them, not what we think.

 

Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your responses. I want to answer some of your questions.....

We are both in our late 40s, both married 25 years. First time A for us both also. We knew each whenwe were 18. He says he's loved me since then. He will tell her today because he had been thinking about this before D day. He says hes always had a good marriage, no major problems , he loves his wife but not in love the way he is with me. That being said he did say if I never came into his life, he'd still be married and content. That statement troubled me. I said maybe its best if I leave, and you'll hurt for a while but you may be able to rekindle that love you have for your wife. He broke down said no. I on the other hand have had problems. Ive gone over them all with my H. This made him finally listen, finally want to change, but now im in love with someone else. I still love my H and see him trying to make changes. Hes become obssesed with me. My stomach is in a constant knot. Im scared. I love MM. Today is going to be very rough.

 

And you should be concerned about that. His wife has done nothing wrong and they have a good marriage. He just fell in love with you and he invested more in you than her. The thing is, he has no idea how she'll react. He can promise you the moon right now but when he faces his wife, has to see her reaction, deal with her questions and emotions, he could very well change his mind when he sees how deeply he's hurt and betrayed her. He will be throwing away a 25 year old marriage, a long history, a life built with her all for the unknown.

 

And what about your husband? you say he's trying hard now, he loves you and wants the marriage to work. Can you really say you're done with your husband, divorce him with a clear conscious that your marriage is over?

 

Both you and MM are already living lives with your spouses, I just don't understand how one can up and leave, then begin a new life with someone else so quickly.

 

Your inlaws, your parents, family etc, will all have their 2 cents put in when this news comes out too. All these factors could affect the outcome of the plan of you and MM being together. You may actually change your mind too when you have that talk with your own husband, I mean does he have any idea you're about to leave him too for the MM if does leave his wife?

[Popsicle]

Honey, he's not going to tell his wife so you're wasting your time even thinking about this hypothetical.

 

Do not leave your H because you think this guy is telling and leaving his W too. It's not going to happen on his end. Stay with your H until this man has filed his divorce papers and moved out and not a minute earlier.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Popsicle

[Mal78]

Thanks for your responses. I want to answer some of your questions.....

We are both in our late 40s, both married 25 years. First time A for us both also. We knew each whenwe were 18. He says he's loved me since then. He will tell her today because he had been thinking about this before D day. He says hes always had a good marriage, no major problems , he loves his wife but not in love the way he is with me. That being said he did say if I never came into his life, he'd still be married and content. That statement troubled me. I said maybe its best if I leave, and you'll hurt for a while but you may be able to rekindle that love you have for your wife. He broke down said no. I on the other hand have had problems. Ive gone over them all with my H. This made him finally listen, finally want to change, but now im in love with someone else. I still love my H and see him trying to make changes. Hes become obssesed with me. My stomach is in a constant knot. Im scared. I love MM. Today is going to be very rough.

 

Why is today going to be rough?

[farrah5451]

And you should be concerned about that. His wife has done nothing wrong and they have a good marriage. He just fell in love with you and he invested more in you than her. The thing is, he has no idea how she'll react. He can promise you the moon right now but when he faces his wife, has to see her reaction, deal with her questions and emotions, he could very well change his mind when he sees how deeply he's hurt and betrayed her. He will be throwing away a 25 year old marriage, a long history, a life built with her all for the unknown.

 

And what about your husband? you say he's trying hard now, he loves you and wants the marriage to work. Can you really say you're done with your husband, divorce him with a clear conscious that your marriage is over?

 

Both you and MM are already living lives with your spouses, I just don't understand how one can up and leave, then begin a new life with someone else so quickly.

 

Your inlaws, your parents, family etc, will all have their 2 cents put in when this news comes out too. All these factors could affect the outcome of the plan of you and MM being together. You may actually change your mind too when you have that talk with your own husband, I mean does he have any idea you're about to leave him too for the MM if does leave his wife?

 

I was prepared to leave my H without MM. I resolved that in my mind already. I have not been happy for a long time. Im feeling confused, because i see my husband trying. Which he hasnt the last 13 years. But he also can never trust me again. He constantly lives in a state of fear that im going back to meet with MM. If I dont answer text immediately, he starts calling all my family members wanting to know where I am. He put a tracker on my car . Has been verbally abusive. I understand why, I made him this way. He says I have no remorse. Ive been stone faced through out d day and ever since. Im usually a very emotional person.

[whichwayisup]

I was prepared to leave my H without MM. I resolved that in my mind already. I have not been happy for a long time. Im feeling confused, because i see my husband trying. Which he hasnt the last 13 years. But he also can never trust me again. He constantly lives in a state of fear that im going back to meet with MM. If I dont answer text immediately, he starts calling all my family members wanting to know where I am. He put a tracker on my car . Has been verbally abusive. I understand why, I made him this way. He says I have no remorse. Ive been stone faced through out d day and ever since. Im usually a very emotional person.

 

Then put him out of his suffering and leave your husband so he can grieve and move on. To stay is cruel to him and lying to yourself. Seems you're 'done' with your marriage regardless if MM does leave his wife or not. Being on your own for a while might do you some good. I mean if MM doesn't leave his wife, it's unfair and cruel of you to then turn around and be with your H since you already have one foot out the door. Somehow you've been able to detach and not feel compassion or bad for the pain you've caused your husband.

[GirlStillStrong]

I was prepared to leave my H without MM. I resolved that in my mind already. I have not been happy for a long time. Im feeling confused, because i see my husband trying. Which he hasnt the last 13 years. But he also can never trust me again. He constantly lives in a state of fear that im going back to meet with MM. If I dont answer text immediately, he starts calling all my family members wanting to know where I am. He put a tracker on my car . Has been verbally abusive. I understand why, I made him this way. He says I have no remorse. Ive been stone faced through out d day and ever since. Im usually a very emotional person.

 

Sorry, I understand why you say "I made him this way," but I have to throw my two cents in. You did not make him this way. This is how he is choosing to react to what you have done and though it is understandable he is scared, distraught, etc, there is such a thing as emotional maturity. He is the one who is responsible for his own emotional growth and he chooses to ignore that and continue acting out in response to you.

 

I know what I am saying is not generally accepted and seems to be splitting hairs but there's much to be said about guilt and guilt-slinging. People change, people grow, and people grow apart. You are completely within your rights to want to try something new. I'm sorry he is struggling with this but it is not your job to help him learn how to handle his fears. He should see someone who is trained in that sort of thing.

[Sub]

I was prepared to leave my H without MM. I resolved that in my mind already.

That's good. You should leave for you, not for the MM.

 

I have not been happy for a long time. Im feeling confused, because i see my husband trying. Which he hasnt the last 13 years.

I'm always wary of this, people saying they've been unhappy for so long once that second vine is within reach. I just hope you're being honest with yourself, and not revising history to justify falling in love with someone else. If it truly has been that long, I think you have to ask yourself why you allowed that to happen. So as not to repeat history down the line.

[DKT3]

I fear this will end bad for you. I hope you really meant what you say when you said you would leave your marriage even without MM in the picture. The odds that he will actually leave is wife for you are really, really low. When he is with you it may honestly be his intent, while when he is with her he can't actually do it.

 

If I were a betting man, I would bet it goes something like this. He string telling her out weeks even months making one excuse after another. When and if he does tell her, he will then say she want give me a divorce or the kids are keeping him there (if they have any) then its likely going to be money issue. By this time you will be divorced, your husband will likely have moved on with a younger hotter version of you (ego boost) and you will be spending your nights alone waiting and hoping that MM will one day live up to his promise. Then somewhere down the road you will look back and think "WTF did I do"

 

I hope I'm wrong and every thing works out for everyone, its just soooo very rare and unlikely.

[jbrent890]

I fear this will end bad for you. I hope you really meant what you say when you said you would leave your marriage even without MM in the picture. The odds that he will actually leave is wife for you are really, really low. When he is with you it may honestly be his intent, while when he is with her he can't actually do it.

 

If I were a betting man, I would bet it goes something like this. He string telling her out weeks even months making one excuse after another. When and if he does tell her, he will then say she want give me a divorce or the kids are keeping him there (if they have any) then its likely going to be money issue. By this time you will be divorced, your husband will likely have moved on with a younger hotter version of you (ego boost) and you will be spending your nights alone waiting and hoping that MM will one day live up to his promise. Then somewhere down the road you will look back and think "WTF did I do"

 

I hope I'm wrong and every thing works out for everyone, its just soooo very rare and unlikely.

 

No DKT, I would say that you are right. OP, you probably have a better chance of wining the powerball then this guy leaving his wife. The vast majority of men do not leave their wives. There is absolutely no financial incentive to do so. Men usually get murdered in divorces. So as it stands you are subjecting yourself to two options. Option A) He doesn't leave his wife, but he more than likely continues to see you on the DL, so pretty much you become his mistress. Option B) You leave your husband and he discontinues the affair and you live a single life. I'm not going to lie to you, nobody tells women how hard single life is after a divorce, especially if you are older. I'm a nurse and I'm one of two men in my rotation, so I know. I would say that half the women I work with are divorced and 75% of them regret that decision. Some can't get a decent guy, some are stuck with men that they are not attracted to what so ever, and there is one who is begging her husband to take her back. I'm going to give you the same advice I give to other Waywards, if you have a BS that is willing to work on the issues and take you, you better jump on that chance.

[GirlStillStrong]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

If you leave immediately on meeting someone you fancy, you're being previous, rushing into things, throwing away your M without giving it a chance. If you wait a while to see how things play out, you're a disgusting lying cheat,mother scum of the earth.

 

If he gets to know you over time, confirms how deeply he loves you and then leaves - he's a lily-livered cake eater who couldn't make his mind up because real men move mountains to be with the one they love and he'd have left instantly if he was a real man. If he leaves instantly on falling for you, it's limerance, affair fog, he'll soon regret it and blame you when the bubble bursts.

 

Truth is, the MP can do no rigt here. Whatever they do, the peanuts gallery will curse and mock.

 

Follow your own values, your own common sense, your own logic. Do what works best for you. There will always be detractors telling you you're wrong. Live a life *you* are happy with. You're not in the business of keeping the peanut gallery happy.

Except I'm not even talking about affairs. I'm talking about relationships in general. And why are you calling me the peanut gallery? It is sound advice. No one is cursing or mocking anyone except you.