MM telling wife

[irishguy]

I think for now you should forget about his marriage and concentrate on ending your own.Get started on moving out , separating etc.

[jellybean89]

Girl strong, might be better to start your own thread as you are hijacking the OP's thread.

 

OP, so he lied to his wife...said the affair is over and he isn't going to see you anymore? That's called gaslighting and it is abuse.

[drifter777]

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. You're free to think it's crazy. But I truly believe it and history shows it to be true. Women control relationships, not men. A man can pursue a woman all he wants but if she does not let him in, there is nothing he can do about it. Any woman who believes she has been "left" by a guy does not know her own power, and believes a man can control her. Impossible. If a guy is a player and moves on from you to the next girl, the reason he has gone is because you do not WANT or accept a player, or cannot see what use he will serve in your life.

Ok, maybe this explains why he won't leave his wife right now. But why is it he's not choosing to be with OP when she still wants him?

[Bootsie]

Girl strong, might be better to start your own thread as you are hijacking the OP's thread.

 

OP, so he lied to his wife...said the affair is over and he isn't going to see you anymore? That's called gaslighting and it is abuse.

 

 

 

Exactly! You now know for certain he is an emotional and psychological abuser of his wife. What makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you? This sort of abusive behaviour tends to get repeated with each new partner unless the abuser acknowledges he has a problem and does something to change. As you seem to be encouraging, supporting, justifying and condoning him abusing his wife, he knows you tolerate such behaviour, so no incentive for him to change or to behave differently to you when it suits him.

 

 

Emotionally abusive men just sap your energy and self-respect, believe me I know.

[bathtub-row]

Marriages don't have affair, people in marriages do. Cheating is a symptom of a persons bad boundaries, one with poor coping skills.

 

...and, sometimes, it's a way to push the issue and get the hell out of a bad situation.

[bathtub-row]

She was devastated. It was too much all at once. Well if im being played, we shall soon see.

 

Farrah, please don't let negative comments drive a wedge between you and MM. I'm sure he's doing what he's doing for a good reason and it's doubtful that he's lying to you. This is not the time for you and him to become enemies or to start doubting one another. Maybe having an affair wasn't the greatest idea but you also must've had your reasons. So, keep having faith in one another, and don't start jumping through hoops or start backpeddling just because everyone is pissed off and hurt. Do what you need to do, let him do what he needs to do, and see what happens.

Edited January 23, 2015 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

If the BW finally gets her head out of her ass and wakes up to the fact that she has treated her WH poorly for too long, she may try to work on herself and fix that. Which was what he wanted in the first place. So why would he dump her when he is finally getting her to listen to him and work with him?

 

Because, by then, it's too much, too little, too late. Aside from that, people rarely change. They will change in the short-run, but not the long-run. What you see, is what you get. If a spouse treats their spouse like poorly before an affair, they'll only bargain long enough to get the spouse back. Then it's the same old stuff all over again.

[jbrent890]

Farrah, please don't let negative comments drive a wedge between you and MM. I'm sure he's doing what he's doing for a good reason and it's doubtful that he's lying to you. This is not the time for you and him to become enemies or to start doubting one another. Maybe having an affair wasn't the greatest idea but you also must've had your reasons. So, keep having faith in one another, and don't start jumping through hoops or start backpeddling just because everyone is pissed off and hurt. Do what you need to do, let him do what he needs to do, and see what happens.

 

Bathtub, let's entertain this scenario for second. I'm almost positive this guy is going to start weighing the pros and cons to leaving his wife for the Op. More than likely he will see a lawyer if he hasn't already. If he honestly confessed to his wife that he had affair then any lawyer with half a brain would advise him to stay in his marriage. He would get murdered in a divorce, especially if his wife finds proof of his affair. He will have no relationship with his older children and yet still be stuck paying child support. We can only hope this guy has solid job. But I don't think that's the case. Cmon Bathtub. This is the real world and in it most MM don't leave their wives. In fact, they never intended to. Almost everybody else on this thread can see what's happening here. I do have to admit some of your advice was a little disturbing. This guy is potentially about to blow up his family and possibly screw his kids up and your hoping this continues. I think the OP needs to except the fact that this relationship was never going to work out. Too many innocent people would get hurt if it did.

 

OP, there is post on another site in which a woman is in a situation like yours. Her AP left his wife and kids for her. He got destroyed in the divorce so much so, the woman has to support him financially. She literally feels stuck with guy now. Moral of the story is that these relationships usually don't turn out well.

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub, let's entertain this scenario for second. I'm almost positive this guy is going to start weighing the pros and cons to leaving his wife for the Op. More than likely he will see a lawyer if he hasn't already. If he honestly confessed to his wife that he had affair then any lawyer with half a brain would advise him to stay in his marriage. He would get murdered in a divorce, especially if his wife finds proof of his affair. He will have no relationship with his older children and yet still be stuck paying child support. We can only hope this guy has solid job. But I don't think that's the case. Cmon Bathtub. This is the real world and in it most MM don't leave their wives. In fact, they never intended to. Almost everybody else on this thread can see what's happening here. I do have to admit some of your advice was a little disturbing. This guy is potentially about to blow up his family and possibly screw his kids up and your hoping this continues. I think the OP needs to except the fact that this relationship was never going to work out. Too many innocent people would get hurt if it did.

 

OP, there is post on another site in which a woman is in a situation like yours. Her AP left his wife and kids for her. He got destroyed in the divorce so much so, the woman has to support him financially. She literally feels stuck with guy now. Moral of the story is that these relationships usually don't turn out well.

 

Well, much of what I say is disturbing to most people because I don't advocate staying in marriages for money or kids or anything else other than the fact that you're quite content or happy to be with that person. I'm actually extremely anti-marriage when people are miserable and want out. I know, a crazy idea, but there you have it.

 

As far as the legalities of the situation, I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm sure you have a point. I think for the state I live in, adultery doesn't play into things at all so I have no experience with that. As far as the story that you're quoting, it's possible that there's more to it than we know. I have no idea.

 

Weighing pros and cons -- this is exactly what men do and it's almost always the reason they stay in a marriage. Money, reputation, home life, kids, etc. Kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, you're right, it's the real world and MM who are miserable in their marriages cheat on their wives and stay. Or, they may go with the other alternative -- not cheat, stay in the lousy marriage and waste 50 years of their lives.

 

The thing is, if this MM didn't want to leave his wife, what on earth was the point of telling her about his affair? I think this would be a pretty difficult thing to lie about.

[CALOVELY]

Well, much of what I say is disturbing to most people because I don't advocate staying in marriages for money or kids or anything else other than the fact that you're quite content or happy to be with that person. I'm actually extremely anti-marriage when people are miserable and want out. I know, a crazy idea, but there you have it.

 

As far as the legalities of the situation, I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm sure you have a point. I think for the state I live in, adultery doesn't play into things at all so I have no experience with that. As far as the story that you're quoting, it's possible that there's more to it than we know. I have no idea.

 

Weighing pros and cons -- this is exactly what men do and it's almost always the reason they stay in a marriage. Money, reputation, home life, kids, etc. Kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, you're right, it's the real world and MM who are miserable in their marriages cheat on their wives and stay. Or, they may go with the other alternative -- not cheat, stay in the lousy marriage and waste 50 years of their lives.

 

The thing is, if this MM didn't want to leave his wife, what on earth was the point of telling her about his affair? I think this would be a pretty difficult thing to lie about.

 

Or they realize they made a terrible error in judgement and work hard to rebuild their marriage. As for your last point, the scenario as OP tells it makes no sense at all. If this guy really wanted out, there would have been no better time than to walk out the door the second after he told his wife about what he was doing with his ding dong. No doubt the wife found out on her own and that is why MM is still there groveling to her for a second chance. His story is asinine and OP needs to wise up.

[Sub]

Well, much of what I say is disturbing to most people because I don't advocate staying in marriages for money or kids or anything else other than the fact that you're quite content or happy to be with that person. I'm actually extremely anti-marriage when people are miserable and want out. I know, a crazy idea, but there you have it.

 

1. So then you don't think the MM should leave his wife then, as he's happy and content per OP.

 

2. Is anyone advocating staying in a miserable marriage? I think most of the posts have to do with the how of getting out. Farrah's getting out of her M. That's a good step. Most people are just saying leave for the right reason: her, not just for the MM.

[anika99]

Well, much of what I say is disturbing to most people because I don't advocate staying in marriages for money or kids or anything else other than the fact that you're quite content or happy to be with that person. I'm actually extremely anti-marriage when people are miserable and want out. I know, a crazy idea, but there you have it.

 

As far as the legalities of the situation, I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm sure you have a point. I think for the state I live in, adultery doesn't play into things at all so I have no experience with that. As far as the story that you're quoting, it's possible that there's more to it than we know. I have no idea.

 

Weighing pros and cons -- this is exactly what men do and it's almost always the reason they stay in a marriage. Money, reputation, home life, kids, etc. Kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, you're right, it's the real world and MM who are miserable in their marriages cheat on their wives and stay. Or, they may go with the other alternative -- not cheat, stay in the lousy marriage and waste 50 years of their lives.

 

The thing is, if this MM didn't want to leave his wife, what on earth was the point of telling her about his affair? I think this would be a pretty difficult thing to lie about.

 

Farrah's MM had to tell his wife because Farrah's BH found out about the affair. Her MM is trying to do damage control by telling his wife as little as he has to or he's just telling Farrah that he told his wife in the hopes that if Farrah and her BH think his wife knows already, nobody will contact her.

 

 

If you read Farrah's earlier posts on this thread you will see that the MM says he still loves his wife and that he was content in his marriage until he met Farrah. He wasn't stuck in a miserable marriage but he became enamoured with the excitement of a new person and a secret affair. Unless someone's marriage is pure misery and their spouse is downright nasty there really isn't much point in leaving one's marriage just to get stuck in another relationship that will also become mundane and boring over time. Why hurt your spouse and your innocent kids just to end up having pretty much the same kind of relationship you already have with your spouse?

[bigman1]

Farrah,

 

I'm gonna let you in on the mind of a cheating man, because in College, I was one. I had a girl I loved (girl 1) and a girl that made me excited, flush, and in some serious love-like state (Girl 2). Yeah, I was an A-hole.

 

I kept making promises to girl 2. If things didn't work out with girl1. Or I was not sure how long girl 1 was going to last and then it was all girl2. Girl 2 was awesome. She let me hold that stance. Nothing changed between us. Nothing.

 

Ultimately, once I finished with girl 2, I stayed with girl 1. Why? Because I was never going to go for girl 2. She agreed with being second. She was fine with stolen moments. She was fine with a booty call. She was fine with a part of me. Sure, in those moments she had all of me, but that is like having all of a small slice of pie vs having the whole pie. I did not make a conscious choice that girl 2 was not worth it. I never articulated that to my friends, who knew of my two timing. It was just something inside me that would not let me ever leave girl 1 for girl 2. I got what I needed from girl 2 until life moved me on. Also, I got my head out of my butt and committed to girl 1.

 

My point is this, you are never going to be his choice. You will have slices of him all to yourself. You husband needs to heal from your betrayal, so please do what it takes to help him get over you and on with life. As for you, you are doing the dance of the sidepiece. You think that you will get that call to be number one, but... NO, you won't. You can hold on, but that only makes the wife's life miserable and that is cruel. You can take a hard line in the sand and make him choose, again, because he already chose her. Alternatively, you can just leave both men and get yourself together.

 

Believe me, the number of men that move on to a lifetime with the OW after confessing, staying married, and continuing to cheat with the same OW is so low that I find it shocking that any woman would take the risk that you have. Good luck to you, give your soon to be ex-husband everything he asks for in the divorce that way you can show your OM how serious you are about him.

[GirlStillStrong]

give your soon to be ex-husband everything he asks for in the divorce that way you can show your OM how serious you are about him.

 

Not saying you would follow this advice but just in case, please don't. This is the stupidest thing I have yet to read on this site (no offense bigman). Not to mention how it completely contradicts the remainder of the post. Do not confuse legal and financial issues with any of this other crap. Hire a qualified divorce attorney for legal advice please.

 

Farrah, how are you doing? Any updates? Hope you're okay.

[Be_Strong]

So, there's been a lot of advice and opinions offered in this thread (myself included) about whether or not MM will leave his wife. It's really a completely irrelevant point right now, because Farrah needs to make a decision and take actions with respect to ending or repairing her marriage, which is wholly independent of MM and what he may or may not do.

 

If she is comfortable leaving her marriage right now even if MM dropped dead, then she should move forward 100% with divorce. If MM also divorces them great, maybe they can give it a go as a real relationship when both single and see if it works out. If MM chooses to stay with his wife, then Farrah can move on and find somebody else to be happy with. Either way, she shouldn't be fretting about MM's current actions. Because if she is making decisions about her own marriage based on MM's actions, then she isn't making her decisions for the right reasons and could end up being burned.

[ComingInHot]

Farrah,

 

I'm gonna let you in on the mind of a cheating man, because in College, I was one. I had a girl I loved (girl 1) and a girl that made me excited, flush, and in some serious love-like state (Girl 2). Yeah, I was an A-hole.

 

I kept making promises to girl 2. If things didn't work out with girl1. Or I was not sure how long girl 1 was going to last and then it was all girl2. Girl 2 was awesome. She let me hold that stance. Nothing changed between us. Nothing.

 

Ultimately, once I finished with girl 2, I stayed with girl 1. Why? Because I was never going to go for girl 2. She agreed with being second. She was fine with stolen moments. She was fine with a booty call. She was fine with a part of me. Sure, in those moments she had all of me, but that is like having all of a small slice of pie vs having the whole pie. I did not make a conscious choice that girl 2 was not worth it. I never articulated that to my friends, who knew of my two timing. It was just something inside me that would not let me ever leave girl 1 for girl 2. I got what I needed from girl 2 until life moved me on. Also, I got my head out of my butt and committed to girl 1.

 

My point is this, you are never going to be his choice. You will have slices of him all to yourself. You husband needs to heal from your betrayal, so please do what it takes to help him get over you and on with life. As for you, you are doing the dance of the sidepiece. You think that you will get that call to be number one, but... NO, you won't. You can hold on, but that only makes the wife's life miserable and that is cruel. You can take a hard line in the sand and make him choose, again, because he already chose her. Alternatively, you can just leave both men and get yourself together.

 

Believe me, the number of men that move on to a lifetime with the OW after confessing, staying married, and continuing to cheat with the same OW is so low that I find it shocking that any woman would take the risk that you have. Good luck to you, give your soon to be ex-husband everything he asks for in the divorce that way you can show your OM how serious you are about him.

 

 

Farah, this was so good, I just thought it worth posting twice... From the horse's mouth and no less.

 

By the way, what are you going to do about you cheating on Your own Husband and are you planning on telling Your H or just wait to see what the MM does?

CiH*

[Be_Strong]

By the way, what are you going to do about you cheating on Your own Husband and are you planning on telling Your H or just wait to see what the MM does?

CiH*

 

Her husband already knows. He found out on his own, and then MM responded by (allegedly) telling his own wife. Her husband wants her to stay and try to work things out.

[scatterd]

I want to bring to your attention that a man that will do this to his wife can also do it to you. She did nothing to deserve this so remember you could do nothing to deserve him leaving you.Its been many years for both of you he is going back in time and he will expect everything to be the same as it was but it wont be because people change. He may be trying to recapture his youth and very well can be going through mid life crisis. You will have to fulfill what he expects and when you don't he may recent you. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. When the newness wears off he will realize that its no different then his marriage. I hope you the best but wanted to give you the thought of what I have seen. Good luck and big hugs

[BurnedAndLost]

I want to bring to your attention that a man that will do this to his wife can also do it to you. She did nothing to deserve this so remember you could do nothing to deserve him leaving you.Its been many years for both of you he is going back in time and he will expect everything to be the same as it was but it wont be because people change. He may be trying to recapture his youth and very well can be going through mid life crisis. You will have to fulfill what he expects and when you don't he may recent you. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. When the newness wears off he will realize that its no different then his marriage. I hope you the best but wanted to give you the thought of what I have seen. Good luck and big hugs

 

I completely agree with the bolded.

 

Even as a BS, I have always disagreed with the ''If they cheat on them they will on you'' sentiment. Some marriages were bad and sometimes one spouse fell out of love and wanted out. Despite the fact they choose the most cowardly and pitful way to get out, they do sometimes go on to have happy relationships with their AP. As horrible as it is to the BS. The OP has stated multiple times her MM was content in his marriage and he loves his wife. This o me sounds like a man who was after something exciting and let things go too far.

 

I don't think this will be true in this situation. The OPs married man has raised all of the red flags. I find it unbelievable how some people here are so unwilling to step away from their stance on affairs that they will even encourage people to stay in affairs that are doing more harm than good. I find that to be very telling.

Edited January 23, 2015 by BurnedAndLost

[SawtoothMars]

I completely agree with the bolded.

Even as a BS, I have always disagreed with the ''If they cheat on them they will on you'' sentiment. Some marriages were bad and sometimes one spouse fell out of love and wanted out. Despite the fact they choose the most cowardly and pitful way to get out, they do sometimes go on to have happy relationships with their AP. As horrible as it is to the BS. The OP has stated multiple times her MM was content in his marriage and he loves his wife. This o me sounds like a man who was after something exciting and let things go too far.

I don't think this will be true in this situation. The OPs married man has raised all of the red flags. I find it unbelievable how some people here are so unwilling to step away from their stance on affairs that they will even encourage people to stay in affairs that are doing more harm than good. I find that to be very telling.

 

I know you probably really want to believe that if someone cheats once they wont do it again... but the greatest single indicator of future behavior is past behavior. You should understand that this means you are at a higher risk than others for being cheated on. Cheating is most often a character flaw combined with opportunity. The character flaw remains unfixed... and at some point the opportunity will come again.

 

Farrah needs to get off her butt and file for divorce. Driving her Betrayed Spouse nuts while she waits for MM to leave his family isn't good for anyone! Especially given the chances that MM is in reality just trying to figure out how to squirm his way out of the situation.

[farrah5451]

Im sorry I haven't written, been going thru hell. My husband has been so hateful, telling everyone we know what ive done, verbally beating me. He did call MM wife . He spoke to her a minute before MM said my wife already knows then they cursed each other out. Mm told me he told W we only slept together once. Said he didnt have the heart to tell her. He said he told her the truth about everything else. When W asked him if he was going to call me or see me again he answered, I Can't answer that. He told her it was nothing she did. Just that hes always loved me and still does. He told me he just needs to do this delicately with her. He said he cant stay because he would be settling at this point and wants to spend life with me. If she never says get out, then he will tell her at that point. I asked how long do u think this will take he said I dont know. He shocked at her rreaction which has been very controlled. God , what a nightmare im going thru. Im so mentally wiped, I cant eat, I thank you all so much for your advice. Im am starting to see things a little differently from your responses. Thank you

[CarrieT]

Said he didnt have the heart to tell her.

Meaning he probably never will.

 

He told me he just needs to do this delicately with her.

He is going to continue to lie to her to keep you hooked.

 

I asked how long do u think this will take he said I dont know.

They can't ever put a timeline on these things because they are week and want the best of both worlds.

 

God , what a nightmare im going thru.

Welcome to the world of infidelity...

 

I'm sorry, Farrah, as long as you hold out hope for him, it will never get better...

[Sub]

Farrah, I'm not going to say he doesn't care about you, or doesn't want to be with you right now. But, was it 25 years he's been content with a W that he loves? And he's loved YOU the whole time. If this is indeed true, he needs to do a lot of self-examination, and get some counseling before you and he get together. It goes beyond saying that this has been a total mindf*ck for his W to hear this after so long with a loving, content H.

[gettingstronger]

You have a lot on your plate in regards to you. None of us know what the mm will do but honestly, that's not your immediate concern. Your immediate concern should be you. You have two men controlling your emotions right now and that's not good.

 

If you're not in counseling, now is a good time to get some. You have a very rough road ahead with your family and friends. The fall out is all on you right now and you need to shore yourself up emotionally for it. I'm a yoga freak, but people find strength and power lots of different places. Find yours, but not from your husband or the mm, from something or someone sustainable.

[georgia girl]

Farrah,

I am so sorry but reading what you wrote makes it clear. He told his wife a piece because your husband was going to call. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that he didn't tell her he was in love with you, particularly because he minimized you so badly. Please get some counseling for your sake. You can't see this clearly and this guy is going to let you down big time.