MM telling wife

[Be_Strong]

I think women often have a difficult time understanding how deeply and strongly a man feels to protect, provide and care for his family. This same instinct in men is what causes them to sacrifice their lives on the battlefield to protect their country and family.

 

When MM decide to stay with their wife, it doesn't mean they don't love their AP. Many OW seem to interpret it that way. Men are conditioned to sacrifice their own lives to protect others--so giving up their own opportunity for happiness to do the "honorable" thing by staying with their wife is a natural response.

 

I can honestly say that I don't ever recall hearing of a situation where a MM left his wife for the OW where he still professed love for his wife and was otherwise content in the marriage until the affair started.

 

Your MM will not leave his wife. So the decisions you make going forward should be based on the assumption that MM will not be part of your life. Having said that, it sounds to me that you are confident your marriage was over with or without MM, so if that's true, you should move 100% in that direction.

 

Do your husband a favor and don't waffle, rebound, or hang around in a limbo state. Be blunt, honest, and direct that you want a divorce and your marriage is done. And then make sure that all of your actions are consistent with that goal.

[MissBee]

My MM, for 8 months now ,has been having an A with me. We have known each other since I was 18. We are deeply in love. Im also M. I had a DDay 2days ago. My H saw our text messages. Its been really rough, here at home. We're probably going to seperate, even though my H doesn't want me to . Now MM says he's going to tell his wife tomorrow because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me . He doesn't want to live a lie it's not fair to her. He is in love with me. I'm afraid that his kids will hate him( they're older teenagers) his in-laws will hate him also. He will lose some his friends, his whole life will be turned upside down and then maybe he'll regret it one day. I mentioned this to him and he said that he'll have me and he won't regret it . That's a lot of pressure . Does anyone else have any similar experiences like this or feelings like this ,that have been through this? Would you share what happened ? There's just so many obstacles it makes me nervous if we're going to make it . But I do love him so much and that keeps me happy.

 

I haven't been in that situation exactly, but my advice to you is to ask him to really think about whether or not he is leaving for you or because he is done with his marriage. If you love and care about him and don't want him to resent you, maybe suggest he seek counseling and with the counselor and an objective eye figure out if he is leaving because he's done or for you. It's a bad plan IMO to leave for someone else, as it puts a lot of pressure on that person and that new relationship and like you said, resentment can be a result if things go wrong.

 

Many people marry and feel in love when they do, then they end up having affairs, which shows that things can change! So how he feels for you now, while they feel everlasting, neither of you really knows what will happen. If he can genuinely feel and say that even if things don't work with you he'd be better off leaving then I think he's in a good place to leave but if it's only because of you, well...I dunno.

Edited January 21, 2015 by MissBee

[Davey L]

Honey, he's not going to tell his wife so you're wasting your time even thinking about this hypothetical.

 

Do not leave your H because you think this guy is telling and leaving his W too. It's not going to happen on his end. Stay with your H until this man has filed his divorce papers and moved out and not a minute earlier.

 

So you are advocating stringing poor abused hubby along, using him for security, in case things don't work out? That's about the nastiest thinking I've come across here.

[Popsicle]

So you are advocating stringing poor abused hubby along, using him for security, in case things don't work out? That's about the nastiest thinking I've come across here.

 

Well you haven't been paying attention to how nasty people are to the OW/OM then. This is the OW/OM section you know. And I personally think she should divorce but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't if MM doesn't.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Popsicle

[Davey L]

Well you haven't been paying attention to how nasty people are to the OW/OM then. This is the OW/OM section you know. And I personally think she should divorce but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't if MM doesn't.

 

True, I didn't realise I was in the OM/OW forum. I generally stay out of here. And I think you are right she'll hang to poor old hubby and continue using him unless or until MM is available. I could just never advocate this level of cruelty.

 

I'm in no position to condemn affairs but this would seem to be a coldy calculated using of someone.

[Ruffian1]

I think your Mm is doing the right thing by telling his W. At least HE is being truthful for a change.

But I got a feeling he won't be telling her it is to be with you.

 

 

He will have a laundry list of all her faults to leave her with.

 

 

You guys will want to lay low and not let his kids know you were involved in an A before he told her he wanted a D, right?

[farrah5451]

Well he told, everything. He also told her he is in love with me. That hes always loved me. But hes staying. She was so in the dark. He thinks its just a matter of time now because she knows hes in love with me. Things will not be the same. He told me he loves me and to trust his words that he will never say goodbye to me, now that she knows its just a matter of time. Its like he was hoping she would tbrow him out. I can understand it but I am a little dissapointed. I told him looks like we wont be together ever. He got upset that I said that. He said she needs to process it. He cried on pbone told me he loves me to death. I cant blame hkm its hard, I did the same thing with my husband. Looks like we are on the way to seperation. Please tell me what you guys think?

[Bootsie]

Well he told, everything. He also told her he is in love with me. That hes always loved me. But hes staying. She was so in the dark. He thinks its just a matter of time now because she knows hes in love with me. Things will not be the same. He told me he loves me and to trust his words that he will never say goodbye to me, now that she knows its just a matter of time. Its like he was hoping she would tbrow him out. I can understand it but I am a little dissapointed. I told him looks like we wont be together ever. He got upset that I said that. He said she needs to process it. He cried on pbone told me he loves me to death. I cant blame hkm its hard, I did the same thing with my husband. Looks like we are on the way to seperation. Please tell me what you guys think?

 

 

Why is he staying then? What reason has he given you and more importantly what reason is he giving her? Does she know he's still communicating with you? Is he still lying to her and deceiving her or is he being totally honest with her about why he's staying and that he's communicating private details of their marriage and her reaction to you?

 

 

Why does he say it's a matter of time? Does he mean he's given her a timeline about when he's leaving or is he waiting for her to do something.

 

 

I would guess he's not giving you both quite the same story. If he's giving you both exactly the same story then you can more likely rely on what he's saying. But if he's slanting it differently to you both, and especially if he's telling you he can't leave yet because she couldn't handle it if he leaves, but he's telling her he's staying for other reasons, then you've got a manipulative guy who just uses women as it suits him.

[jellybean89]

I think he is lying to you.

 

He told her he is in love with you - so why didn't he leave? Why isn't he staying at a hotel tonight? Why is he staying? Because she didn't kick him out? Meaning - he will only be with you if SHE makes him leave? So that makes you the default choice? How is that love?

 

Personally, I believe you would be a fool to wait around for him. he's not going anywhere unless she tells him to...and that shows his character.

 

Divorce your H and let him out of a marriage where his wife cheats on him. I find it interesting the MM allegedly loved you since you were 18 - which is many years ago. You probably aren't even the same PERSON you were back then and how did he come to love you back then? Did you two date? Or just knew of each other? How come he married someone else instead of pursing you?

 

it all sounds like good stuff that affairs are built on...dreams and make believe. And why in the world would you end your marriage after an affair of 8 months? You don't even know him!

 

Good luck....I feel this will end very badly for you. Your H will divorce you and MM will stay in his marriage.

[Sub]

Sounds like he's putting it all on her to end the M, in an effort to save some face with his kids or family maybe. That's if he did in fact tell her everything. Just doesn't make sense for him to proclaim his love for you to her, then say,"But I'm staying!" Kind of a chickensh*t thing to do if it's true, IMO.

[Ruffian1]

AAhh, I don't get it. Why is he staying. Is it just short-term to help her cope with a D??

 

 

So what is the problem now, why are you separating (you mean going no-contact??)

 

 

Something does not add-up?

 

 

I thought it was like, hey, I love OW, I will be leaving and filing for D.

 

 

She can't force him to stay.

[SunshineToday]

Love of his life since he was 18, yet..........he has a chance to live that life and that love finally but he is staying with his wife so she can process this?

 

He is a liar. And you should not believe what he claims to have told his wife. Because I'm fairly sure he did not say, honey I'm in love with Farrah but I'll stay with you to help you process this. And she said, okay lover.....stay!

 

If you are not in their house, you don't and will never know what is said between husband and wife.

[georgia girl]

He's lying to you and telling you everything you want to hear. But, as other posters have asked, if he told her he loves you and wants to be with you, why is he staying? Did he tell her he would be seeing you openly? That you would date? That he would spend days, nights, weekends with you at your house?

 

 

Or did he confess because of either the guilt or the thought that she's going to find out anyway? And when she got upset, did he minimize you? Minimize your relationship? Tell her he wouldn't see you anymore?

 

 

And if he did - and he asks you to become even more discreet - what does that say about your relationship? That he would hide you and hurt you to save another woman's feelings? Take a real hard look at this. He just made a choice and it wasn't you.

 

 

I guess the question that would scream to me is WHY is HE staying? He's out. It's all out in the open. He has just committed the maximum amount of hurt he will ever inflict on her. But, he's free. She knows. So why stay?

 

 

I think you are being manipulated. Sorry. Wish I could give you better advice.

[farrah5451]

He told me the day before that he was telling her because he loved me. I never asked, pushed him to do this. It actually made me nervous. He was hoping she would throw him out. He said if she reacts opposite, ill stay but it will be a matter of time afterwards because now she will know im in love with another woman. And the latter happened. She was devestated but he said I made it like I wouldn't be talkjng to you anymore. But thats not gonna happen . I think he thought it was just too much for her to handle especially since they never had any real problems and she was clueless. He wants her to be the one to say its over. So now what? She was concerned about people finding out, shes not telling her kids who are 18 17 year old boys. He says we are gonna talk everyday and continue seeing each other. But im thinking what if she never throws him out, doesnt sound like she will. Should I give it 2 weeks? He was right there but he is a very caring person. Has never cheatex, that goes for me too. Thanks for advice

[GirlStillStrong]

The reason he is not leaving her is the same reason so many men do not leave their wives. It is very simple. A man will not leave a woman until the woman is DONE with him. Period. And any time a man has left a woman it is because she was done with him. Women (including me) will lament and cry how a man left her and feel bad about herself and beat herself up thinking it's a reflection on her own worth, but the truth of the matter is, if she really stops and thinks about it, he left because she had lost all use for him.

 

The fact that a man stays in the marriage has nothing to do with him being a liar, or a dog, or whatever. He can't leave because she won't release him. I personally have no idea why a woman would hold onto a man who cheats on her. But many women make their marriage and family their only priority in life and did not plan for anything else, or are too nervous to move forward in life, so they keep him even though he cheats or is in love with someone other than her. As an OW it's best to move on and let that whole thing play out between the two of them, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to let him go. Some women really believe in 'Til Death Do Us Part. I personally would never hold a person who wants to leave and in fact would help them to leave.

[DKT3]

The reason he is not leaving her is the same reason so many men do not leave their wives. It is very simple. A man will not leave a woman until the woman is DONE with him. Period. And any time a man has left a woman it is because she was done with him. Women (including me) will lament and cry how a man left her and feel bad about herself and beat herself up thinking it's a reflection on her own worth, but the truth of the matter is, if she really stops and thinks about it, he left because she had lost all use for him.

 

The fact that a man stays in the marriage has nothing to do with him being a liar, or a dog, or whatever. He can't leave because she won't release him. I personally have no idea why a woman would hold onto a man who cheats on her. But many women make their marriage and family their only priority in life and did not plan for anything else, or are too nervous to move forward in life, so they keep him even though he cheats or is in love with someone other than her. As an OW it's best to move on and let that whole thing play out between the two of them, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to let him go. Some women really believe in 'Til Death Do Us Part. I personally would never hold a person who wants to leave and in fact would help them to leave.

 

I was looking for a PC way to say this is crazy. What your saying is no matter what a man only leaves because the woman doesn't want him?

 

OP buckle up and get ready for the of your life aboard the excuse express. Your head is firmly stuck in the sand and this guy will aide you in ruining your life then at the end of the ride he will still be married, you? Well....

[GirlStillStrong]

I was looking for a PC way to say this is crazy. What your saying is no matter what a man only leaves because the woman doesn't want him?

 

OP buckle up and get ready for the of your life aboard the excuse express. Your head is firmly stuck in the sand and this guy will aide you in ruining your life then at the end of the ride he will still be married, you? Well....

 

Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. You're free to think it's crazy. But I truly believe it and history shows it to be true. Women control relationships, not men. A man can pursue a woman all he wants but if she does not let him in, there is nothing he can do about it. Any woman who believes she has been "left" by a guy does not know her own power, and believes a man can control her. Impossible. If a guy is a player and moves on from you to the next girl, the reason he has gone is because you do not WANT or accept a player, or cannot see what use he will serve in your life.

 

Farrah, I say find some other people to keep you occupied and focused on what you want out of life. If MM gets released you may or may not be available at the time and it will be his loss. It seems you're willing to wait 2 weeks; I don't see what's wrong with that but if she hasn't kicked him out after being told about you she probably won't.

[gettingstronger]

The ow is a woman, why doesn't she have the power to make him leave his wife? I don't get your theory at all. OP I'm sorry but he's not leaving because he's a coward. Whatever the two of you have is not enough for him to leave his wife for. He is not providing her comfort in staying and saying he loves you, etcetera. That's a lie, he didn't tell her he loves you.

 

You should either break contact or ask him if you can talk with her yourself to make sure you are all on the same page.

[gettingstronger]

And btw, you have ow and BS all telling you the same thing so please don't think it's a bitterness thing. It's a been there , done that thing.

[Ruffian1]

He is playing you for a side piece I now think.

[CALOVELY]

He told me the day before that he was telling her because he loved me. I never asked, pushed him to do this. It actually made me nervous. He was hoping she would throw him out. He said if she reacts opposite, ill stay but it will be a matter of time afterwards because now she will know im in love with another woman. And the latter happened. She was devestated but he said I made it like I wouldn't be talkjng to you anymore. But thats not gonna happen . I think he thought it was just too much for her to handle especially since they never had any real problems and she was clueless. He wants her to be the one to say its over. So now what? She was concerned about people finding out, shes not telling her kids who are 18 17 year old boys. He says we are gonna talk everyday and continue seeing each other. But im thinking what if she never throws him out, doesnt sound like she will. Should I give it 2 weeks? He was right there but he is a very caring person. Has never cheatex, that goes for me too. Thanks for advice

 

Re-read the bolded. Do you not see a problem here?

[CALOVELY]

The reason he is not leaving her is the same reason so many men do not leave their wives. It is very simple. A man will not leave a woman until the woman is DONE with him. Period. And any time a man has left a woman it is because she was done with him. Women (including me) will lament and cry how a man left her and feel bad about herself and beat herself up thinking it's a reflection on her own worth, but the truth of the matter is, if she really stops and thinks about it, he left because she had lost all use for him.

 

The fact that a man stays in the marriage has nothing to do with him being a liar, or a dog, or whatever. He can't leave because she won't release him. I personally have no idea why a woman would hold onto a man who cheats on her. But many women make their marriage and family their only priority in life and did not plan for anything else, or are too nervous to move forward in life, so they keep him even though he cheats or is in love with someone other than her. As an OW it's best to move on and let that whole thing play out between the two of them, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to let him go. Some women really believe in 'Til Death Do Us Part. I personally would never hold a person who wants to leave and in fact would help them to leave.

 

It is incredible how little you think of men. No, men are fully capable of leaving when they want to. Many even take ownership of their behavior and do not seek to blame others for it or look to women to "release" them and other such nonsense.

[3blindmice]

It's likely as Ruffian1 and Girlstillstrong said. Likely what he said to his wife was she needs to step up and it's all her fault or he'll leave her. His wife likely promised to work it out with him, not knowing that he's cheating.

 

That's what my ex did but because I knew what was going on with my ex, even though he called me crazy, etc. I didn't step up and we divorced. His wife likely doesn't know that he has been cheating, so she may have promised to work on the marriage. And my ex says it's my fault that we divorced, he wasn't cheating, etc.

[anika99]

He told me the day before that he was telling her because he loved me. I never asked, pushed him to do this. It actually made me nervous. He was hoping she would throw him out. He said if she reacts opposite, ill stay but it will be a matter of time afterwards because now she will know im in love with another woman. And the latter happened. She was devestated but he said I made it like I wouldn't be talkjng to you anymore. But thats not gonna happen . I think he thought it was just too much for her to handle especially since they never had any real problems and she was clueless. He wants her to be the one to say its over. So now what? She was concerned about people finding out, shes not telling her kids who are 18 17 year old boys. He says we are gonna talk everyday and continue seeing each other. But im thinking what if she never throws him out, doesnt sound like she will. Should I give it 2 weeks? He was right there but he is a very caring person. Has never cheatex, that goes for me too. Thanks for advice

 

 

If he wants her to throw him out then he should tell her he is still going to talk to you everyday and continue to see you. That will get her upset enough to throw him out. Why would she throw him out if she thinks he has gotten rid of you and you are no longer in the picture? She won't. She will believe him and think that they are reconciling which is so very cruel to do to her. It's more heartless than him just walking out the door this minute. If he had the balls to shatter her world by telling her he's in love with another woman then he should have the balls to follow through and leave. You don't destroy someone's world and then turn into a coward.

[Timshel]

I don't think he told her a darn thing. Not a word. How do you know he told her? The only way you could know that is if he had left.

 

I'm sorry OP, I think he is lying through his teeth to you. Telling you what you want to hear right now because he feels bad that YOU actually followed through with telling your H. That's all you have from him, lies. If you called her up right now, she wouldn't have a clue who you are or what you are talking about.