MM telling wife

[gettingstronger]

Timeshel is right. Give him 2 weeks to leave or you're calling his wife to make sure he's not playing both of you. See what he says to that.

[GirlStillStrong]

The ow is a woman, why doesn't she have the power to make him leave his wife? I don't get your theory at all. OP I'm sorry but he's not leaving because he's a coward. Whatever the two of you have is not enough for him to leave his wife for. He is not providing her comfort in staying and saying he loves you, etcetera. That's a lie, he didn't tell her he loves you.

 

You should either break contact or ask him if you can talk with her yourself to make sure you are all on the same page.

I didn't say a woman has the power to control a man. A man is not a robot, he's a human being with his own motivations. I said that men enter and leave relationships with women based on what the woman decides about the relationship with him. OW can't make him leave because he is MARRIED. To another woman. Who will not let him go. If she did let him go, he would then be free to enter a relationship with OW unencumbered. But he is already in a relationship with OW, but only because OW LETS him be. If OW decides she has no use for him because he is still married, then she will let him go and he will no longer be allowed in. She may still have some use for him, despite that he remains married. But if that use is to substantiate her own self-worth based on his actions with his marriage with his wife, she is in for some big misery.

 

A woman knows whether or not a man loves her. She does not need a complete stranger to tell her whether or not this is true based on someone else's interpretations of his words and actions. Loving a woman and being married to someone else are not mutually exclusive. It can, and does, happen. Every single day, since the dawn of civilization (or the invention of marriage, whichever came first, LOL).

 

The moral of the story is, don't allow a married man into an intimate relationship with you if you can't handle the idea that he is married to someone else. And if you do allow a married man into an intimate relationship with you, don't expect him to leave his marriage based on your worth as a relationship partner. You may want to compete with some other woman but it's unwise because marriages aren't maintained just on love and good sex. There is a lot more to a marriage relationship than that.

[GirlStillStrong]

It is incredible how little you think of men. No, men are fully capable of leaving when they want to. Many even take ownership of their behavior and do not seek to blame others for it or look to women to "release" them and other such nonsense.

You're reading way into it. What I am describing is about human motivation. Because I do not buy all the judgmental BS about how all men who get involved in affairs are cheating *******s who only lie, are cowards, are just using OW for a piece of ass, blaming others, not being responsible, selfish, trying to destroy people, blah blah blah. Yes, I do get drawn into it, especially when I read so many stories here, and buying into it always causes me despair. It is not that I think little of men. It is about what I believe motivates men. I never said they are not free moral agents, they are. What I say is that their morality has more to do with women than people realize or want to admit.

 

I for one believe OP and believe the guy is actually in love with her. I believe the story he has told OP about telling his wife and I believe he is not 15 years old proclaiming his love for a grown woman just to get laid. I doubt very seriously that he had an easy time telling his wife all that he told her about his affair and his feelings, which is not indicative of a cowardly person at all.

 

If you're insulted by my theory regarding men and women and relationships then maybe it fully contradicts your own, which is likely MORE judgmental of any individual man than mine.

[gettingstronger]

Disagree, the whole premise is a cop out. Men are fully capable of leaving their wives to be with the woman they love. It happens all the time. I'm sorry but this guy is full of it and the op is paying the price.

[farrah5451]

So what do I do? He wants to continue seeing and talking to me until he leaves. Should I wait for two weeks then end it? Im upset because we really are in love, its not bull. Whats the wife gonna do now? He said she wanted to see what I looked like. Will she become more affectionate, angry as days go by? I wonder. ; but I realize this has to play out between them.

[gettingstronger]

Love has nothing to do with it. He either leaves of his own accord or he doesn't. Why do you want a man that has to be forced out of his house in order to be with you? Don't you want him to want to be with you no matter what his wife says or does?

[CALOVELY]

You're reading way into it. What I am describing is about human motivation. Because I do not buy all the judgmental BS about how all men who get involved in affairs are cheating *******s who only lie, are cowards, are just using OW for a piece of ass, blaming others, not being responsible, selfish, trying to destroy people, blah blah blah. Yes, I do get drawn into it, especially when I read so many stories here, and buying into it always causes me despair. It is not that I think little of men. It is about what I believe motivates men. I never said they are not free moral agents, they are. What I say is that their morality has more to do with women than people realize or want to admit.

 

I for one believe OP and believe the guy is actually in love with her. I believe the story he has told OP about telling his wife and I believe he is not 15 years old proclaiming his love for a grown woman just to get laid. I doubt very seriously that he had an easy time telling his wife all that he told her about his affair and his feelings, which is not indicative of a cowardly person at all.

 

If you're insulted by my theory regarding men and women and relationships then maybe it fully contradicts your own, which is likely MORE judgmental of any individual man than mine.

 

 

I am not insulted by your theory. I find it simplistic and absolving MM of responsibility, as if they do not have free agency over themselves. Men are stronger than you give them credit for and why so many people here can see right through this guy and his excuses.

[GirlStillStrong]

So what do I do? He wants to continue seeing and talking to me until he leaves. Should I wait for two weeks then end it? Im upset because we really are in love, its not bull. Whats the wife gonna do now? He said she wanted to see what I looked like. Will she become more affectionate, angry as days go by? I wonder. ; but I realize this has to play out between them.

 

Do you want to remain in a relationship where your partner cannot be fully engaged with and attentive to you? Are you okay with your partner sleeping together and having sex with his wife? He is staying with her in order to wait and see what she wants him to do. Breaking up and divorcing is no simple task, especially if there are children involved. And he already knows that you are willing to be involved with a married man.

 

She wants to see what you look like because she thinks that has something to do with her worth or attractiveness. It means nothing. What she is gonna do is decide whether or not she wants him to stay and work it out with her. For you, it's a crapshoot.

[GirlStillStrong]

I am not insulted by your theory. I find it simplistic and absolving MM of responsibility, as if they do not have free agency over themselves. Men are stronger than you give them credit for and why so many people here can see right through this guy and his excuses.

 

It IS simplistic. It does NOT absolve men of responsibility. It doesn't speak to responsibility at all. Of course they have free agency, almost all human beings do (other than the unfortunate folks who have severe cognitive disabilities). It has nothing to do with strength or weakness.

[gettingstronger]

Read up on hysterical bonding. It's the first step for most that are still together after dday.

[CALOVELY]

It IS simplistic. It does NOT absolve men of responsibility. It doesn't speak to responsibility at all. Of course they have free agency, almost all human beings do (other than the unfortunate folks who have severe cognitive disabilities). It has nothing to do with strength or weakness.

 

"A man will not leave a woman until the woman is DONE with him. Period......The fact that a man stays in the marriage has nothing to do with him being a liar, or a dog, or whatever. He can't leave because she won't release him."

 

How does that not absolve men of responsibility? You are putting the onus on women for his staying and implying he has no free will.

[GirlStillStrong]

Disagree, the whole premise is a cop out. Men are fully capable of leaving their wives to be with the woman they love. It happens all the time. I'm sorry but this guy is full of it and the op is paying the price.

 

What price? Her hurt feelings? OW are not victims. How do you knowingly allow a MM into your life despite his being married and then just because he falls in love with you, you expect him to completely disrupt his entire life, world, and the lives and world of his family, spouse, children, etc all to what? Prove a point? Prove his undying love? That's ridiculous. If you get involved with a MM you set yourself up to be disappointed. MM are MARRIED. They're not available because they're already married. Then because you have sex with them and spend a couple hours a week with them that gives you some special status to expect that he will leave the woman he is already married to? It's rather narcissistic if you ask me.

[GirlStillStrong]

"A man will not leave a woman until the woman is DONE with him. Period......The fact that a man stays in the marriage has nothing to do with him being a liar, or a dog, or whatever. He can't leave because she won't release him."

 

How does that not absolve men of responsibility? You are putting the onus on women for his staying and implying he has no free will.

 

Responsibility to do what? Of course he has free will. Nobody is forcing him to stay or forcing him to leave. I didn't say the woman has to make all the decisions. All it speaks to is relationship dynamics. If BW lets him go, he'll go. If not, he'll stay. If you don't believe me, read all the stories here of MM who will not leave their wives. Many maintain double lives because they DO love OW and want to be with them but cannot leave BW because they feel obligated to honor their marriage vows (and I am NOT talking about con artists who live double lives to take women for all they are worth). But if their BW absolves them of that obligation, they will then go.

[CALOVELY]

Responsibility to do what? Of course he has free will. Nobody is forcing him to stay or forcing him to leave. I didn't say the woman has to make all the decisions. All it speaks to is relationship dynamics. If BW lets him go, he'll go. If not, he'll stay. If you don't believe me, read all the stories here of MM who will not leave their wives. Many maintain double lives because they DO love OW and want to be with them but cannot leave BW because they feel obligated to honor their marriage vows (and I am NOT talking about con artists who live double lives to take women for all they are worth). But if their BW absolves them of that obligation, they will then go.

 

I understand what you are saying now and thank you for the clarification. The bolded is staggeringly unattractive in a man to me. Leave because his wife gives him permission to or stay because she does not? Certainly not a prize in my eyes.

[GirlStillStrong]

I understand what you are saying now and thank you for the clarification. The bolded is staggeringly unattractive in a man to me. Leave because his wife gives him permission to or stay because she does not? Certainly not a prize in my eyes.

Which is completely understandable, especially given that that is EXACTLY what his marriage vows were designed to do, i.e., create the sense of obligation necessary to prevent the person who made the vow from leaving the marriage without agreement of the person he made the vow with. In reality it is less to do with anyone giving him permission, as though he were a child or incapable of making decisions on his own, and more to do with keeping his word and continuing to include that other person, his wife, to whom he made the vow, in the decisions regarding the relationship. I think OW forget they are the interloper in an already existing marriage, regardless of how MM feels about or acts towards her. I'm guilty of it myself.

[CALOVELY]

Which is completely understandable, especially given that that is EXACTLY what his marriage vows were designed to do, i.e., create the sense of obligation necessary to prevent the person who made the vow from leaving the marriage without agreement of the person he made the vow with. In reality it is less to do with anyone giving him permission, as though he were a child or incapable of making decisions on his own, and more to do with keeping his word and continuing to include that other person, his wife, to whom he made the vow, in the decisions regarding the relationship. I think OW forget they are the interloper in an already existing marriage, regardless of how MM feels about or acts towards her. I'm guilty of it myself.

 

It could be both. From the sounds of it, many MM do not want to be viewed as the bad guy by others and leave the decision making up to their wives as to the state of their marriage....that is after the MM have all but imploded it with infidelity. That is an incredibly cowardly way of "including" a wife in the decisions regarding the relationship.

[MissBee]

Why does he need her to throw him out?

 

I don't respect that.

 

He still wants to have his hands "clean" so to speak by having her "throw him out" instead of saying he's in love with you and would like to leave/divorce.

 

It's silly for him to make this her decision. Why should she throw him out? Why can't he walk on his own two feet...come on.

 

You're right to be disappointed, what he's doing is cowardly. "I'm going to tell my wife I love another woman, but instead of saying things won't work between us and divorce is best I'm going to tell her yet I won't leave unless she kicks me out, but if she is in shock or wants it to work I'll just stay and keep up the affair and passive aggressively keep waiting for her to be fed up of me and tell my OW it's only a matter of time...and just wait..."...ridiculous, sorry. He's disrespecting BOTH of you by acting like this. He won't leave unless she kicks him out and if she never does, well you are out of luck too, and the fact that he expects you to understand this is nuts.

[farrah5451]

Why does he need her to throw him out?

 

I don't respect that.

 

He still wants to have his hands "clean" so to speak by having her "throw him out" instead of saying he's in love with you and would like to leave/divorce.

 

It's silly for him to make this her decision. Why should she throw him out? Why can't he walk on his own two feet...come on.

 

You're right to be disappointed, what he's doing is cowardly. "I'm going to tell my wife I love another woman, but instead of saying things won't work between us and divorce is best I'm going to tell her yet I won't leave unless she kicks me out, but if she is in shock or wants it to work I'll just stay and keep up the affair and passive aggressively keep waiting for her to be fed up of me and tell my OW it's only a matter of time...and just wait..."...ridiculous, sorry. He's disrespecting BOTH of you by acting like this. He won't leave unless she kicks him out and if she never does, well you are out of luck too, and the fact that he expects you to understand this is nuts.

He cares about his wife, I think it was too much all at once. Hes a very compassionate person. So I get it.

[DKT3]

He cares about his wife, I think it was too much all at once. Hes a very compassionate person. So I get it.

 

He isn't leaving.

 

His story is full of holes and your buying bull. All you reall have to do is read your own writing here. Compassionate my A$$, your being snowed.

[CALOVELY]

He cares about his wife, I think it was too much all at once. Hes a very compassionate person. So I get it.

 

Compassionate? He eviscerated her heart, lies about contacting you anymore and has the gall to wait until she throws him out so he can put the onus on her for the divorce. He is anything but compassionate.

[Tashcw]

I have no idea at all how this is compassionate. Limited contact is the best way to get over someone. She needs to start getting over him asap. The best way would be for him to leave and make sure she has friends / family to support her.

 

He's absolutely treating her with no respect and is utterly demeaning her and destroying her self esteem. My feeling is he feels like hanging around and taking her abuse will alleviate his guilt maybe. But it's not helping his wife. Does he really think it's better for him to act like an utter sh*t until she 'sees sense' and throws him out? How on earth is that any better?

 

She still has the humiliation of learning that he was continuing an affair he assured her had finished. Her trust of men is already broken.

 

He should leave immediately, or break contact with you and work on his marriage. End of.

 

His actions are disgusting (and I'm usually the one reading these posts with most understanding!!)

[bathtub-row]

I actually wish that both of you would've handled things differently so that neither of your spouses knew about the affair. But, you can't unsing this song, so you must carry on.

 

First of all, I think it would be a HUGE mistake for you to stay in your marriage. Despite all the emotion that your husband is going through right now, it won't last. People do not change and for whatever reason you've been unhappy in your marriage, those reasons aren't likely to change. I understand being compassionate right now toward him because none of us likes hurting people but, the truth is, he has had many years to appreciate you. If he didn't, then he really shouldnt be all that shocked that you turned to someone else.

 

As far as your lover, I think I can understand why he's doing what he's doing. He's merely showing compassion to someone that has shared many years of his life and he has had children with. She will always be special to him, as she should be. Unlike many others here, I don't think he's playing games with you. He's trying to give his wife time to take in this info and be there so that she can yell and scream and cry at him. It's not a bad plan.

 

The thing is, don't tie your decision about your marriage to him. If you planned to leave anyway, then leave. Then give your lover time to work things out on his end. Give it a deadline in your mind and then cut contact with him if he doesn't appear to be leaving.

 

I also think the two of you should live apart for awhile before moving in together. Everyone needs a break before going from one relationship to another.

 

I wish the best for you two.

[Sub]

As far as your lover, I think I can understand why he's doing what he's doing. He's merely showing compassion to someone that has shared many years of his life and he has had children with. She will always be special to him, as she should be. Unlike many others here, I don't think he's playing games with you. He's trying to give his wife time to take in this info and be there so that she can yell and scream and cry at him. It's not a bad plan.

This makes some sense, but it runs contradictory to what the OP is saying. There's compassion in him telling her the truth about what's going on. I think it ends there, though. According to farrah, he's going to keep the lies up so he can continue the A, in hopes that his W makes the big decision in the end. His "compassion" includes making her believe he's focusing on this huge event in their lives, being there for her while she goes through this pain. But he's just exacerbating that pain by giving the impression they have a chance to survive it, IMO.

[Be_Strong]

The best advice for you now is to go on a break with MM. Tell him he needs to deal with his marriage issues right now and you need to take care of your marriage issues. You obviously are in love with MM because nothing else could cause you to have such thick blinders as to his character faults. But the interjection of each of you into the other person's marriage is needlessly complicating the situation. Take care of yourself, let him take care of himself, and if you both find yourselves single then you'll have all the time in the world to spend with each other.

[Be_Strong]

This makes some sense, but it runs contradictory to what the OP is saying. There's compassion in him telling her the truth about what's going on. I think it ends there, though. According to farrah, he's going to keep the lies up so he can continue the A, in hopes that his W makes the big decision in the end. His "compassion" includes making her believe he's focusing on this huge event in their lives, being there for her while she goes through this pain. But he's just exacerbating that pain by giving the impression they have a chance to survive it, IMO.

 

The most immature, cowardly and least compassionate way to break up with another person is to progressively be more and more of a jerk to the person to get the person to break up with you. If what MM told the OP is true, he is a total coward and unbelievably cruel. He plans to make his wife's life a living hell, rub her face in the affair, keep cheating on her, keep lying to her until she finally hits rock bottom and leaves him. Why the OP would ever want to be with a guy like this is baffling to me.