MM telling wife

[Sub]

So which category does the MM fall into? No problems in the M. He was content, loved his WW. And he's never cheated before.

[bathtub-row]

So which category does the MM fall into? No problems in the M. He was content, loved his WW. And he's never cheated before.

 

Good question. I doubt that he's a serial cheater but I don't know him so I can't answer. My guess is that he was either bored out of his mind, or there are problems he has not yet pinpointed.

 

This is kind of the way it was for me with my son's dad. He's very covert about the way he controls people. All I knew was that I was miserable. It wasn't until I started taking a closer look that I realized why I felt like I was choking to death. It was like a slow death. Most everyone else saw it; but I couldn't for a long time.

 

As I said, I don't know the guy and don't know his marriage but if he really was happy then I can't explain why he did what he did except that he wanted more than what he had. Or, there's always the serial cheater theory.

[jbrent890]

You get it! Thanks again

 

Actually no she doesn't get it. In fact, she is pretty far off. You're still pretty deep in the fog, so I dont expect you to understand this now. It may be months from now, even years, but sooner or later you're going to see that the way you handled this situation is wrong. What you did and what you're currently doing is just as wrong as what your husband has done to you. You need to accept the fact that both of you failed the marriage. Bathtub can come up with excuse after excuse for you. The simple matter is that there is ZERO excuse for cheating on your spouse. Your spouse deserved a divorce not a cheating wife. Again, stop wavering and divorce your husband. The whole separation thing is just an excuse to see what the MM will do and you know it.

[bathtub-row]

I'm giving explanations, not excuses. When people make bad choices, they usually have a reason for doing what they did, but then realize later that they painted themselves into a corner. I don't think OP thinks she handled things in the best way she could have, but neither can she undo it at this point.

 

As with most things that any of us do when we realize we've screwed up, the best thing we can do is to go back and ask ourselves why we did it, what were our motivations at the time, etc. To make OP feel like she can never recover from this misstep is just ridiculous and pointless. But lots of people on LS love to dish out judgment about affairs. Relentlessly. The truth is, you don't know what her husband deserved. Just because he didn't cheat on her doesn't make him the sterling husband. As a matter of fact, he might be a class-A ass. But because he was cheated on, OP becomes the definitive bad guy and there's nothing else to discuss. True to what I said earlier, once an affair is brought into the picture, all other issues fly out the window.

[Popsicle]

She said she's separating from her husband. That's what most of you BS's who swarm this section wanted her to do earlier in the thread. Now you want to beat her up for doing what you wanted?

 

Farrah, I think your MM will be confused and upset that you don't want to talk for a month (or more). He will probably think that means you want to end things.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Popsicle

[Sub]

I can't explain why he did what he did except that he wanted more than what he had.

I think this is a category that you may be underestimating. Sounds like a lot of WS's get funneled into the "miserable" M category, usually as a result of an issue with the BS. Then the behavior is understandable, if not justified, based on the (naive, IMO) assumption that it's almost always the WS who's doing the communicating. The work, so to speak. Where the line gets fuzzy is what exactly constitutes a miserable or troubled M. The slightest sign of trouble can be interpreted in any number of ways. Unfortunately, I think what you may be glossing over is the possibility that it's oftentimes an issue with the how the WS - not the BS - handles something within a M. Which I think is what we have here, based on farrah's "content" description of his M. I just think it's more common than you do.

[jbrent890]

She said she's separating from her husband. That's what most of you BS's who swarm this section wanted her to do earlier in the thread. Now you want to beat her up for doing what you wanted?

 

Farrah, I think your MM will be confused and upset that you don't want to talk for a month (or more). He will probably think that means you want to end things.

 

False. What I want her to do is make a clear cut decision on what she wants. Separation is just extending the period of time of her figuring out what she wants to do. In essence she's waiting to see what MM is going to do. I gurantee if it doesn't work out, she would probably try to work things out with her husband, just like the vast majority of WWs in her position. I have seen this scenario plenty of times before. If she wants out of the marriage, then she needs to go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Its really that simple. All I'm seeing more wavering, which isn't fair to her spouse. But I guess he deserved all of this right? That's what a lot of posts as of late have been implying. I have no do doubt that he was POS husband, but nobody deserves this, not even a cheater. I really don't understand why this is a hard concept for people to grasp.

[DKT3]

JBrent makes a very good point. If the marriage is dead then there is no reason not to move right to divorce. However her wanting to leave the marriage is directly connected to what MM is going to do. If he said, let's go she would be gone already, he hasn't and most likely won't. Farrah deep down knows this, so I believe she wants to keep her marriage on life support while she awaits MM's next move.

 

As a BS I'm more for all out honesty, at that point however they decide to handle things is between the two of them. Right now the MM has more say in this marriage then the BH does. No matter what justifications or excuses you come up with that's just wrong. So if she wants MM why not be honest with her BH? Because she know he would likely remove himself from the situation and she would no longer have him as an option.

[farrah5451]

She said she's separating from her husband. That's what most of you BS's who swarm this section wanted her to do earlier in the thread. Now you want to beat her up for doing what you wanted?

 

Farrah, I think your MM will be confused and upset that you don't want to talk for a month (or more). He will probably think that means you want to end things.

 

We didnt last 3 days, 3 longest days ever. My husband left last night. He's hurt but the anger he has, he's out to destroy me. MM has not wavered still wants me just trying to do it with compassion. His son is not speaking to him at this point. Its a mess but thank you for your support

[whichwayisup]

We didnt last 3 days, 3 longest days ever. My husband left last night. He's hurt but the anger he has, he's out to destroy me. MM has not wavered still wants me just trying to do it with compassion. His son is not speaking to him at this point. Its a mess but thank you for your support

 

Just take of you for now. What is going on at MM's house is out of your control, whatever is gonna happen, will happen. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

[DKT3]

We didnt last 3 days, 3 longest days ever. My husband left last night. He's hurt but the anger he has, he's out to destroy me. MM has not wavered still wants me just trying to do it with compassion. His son is not speaking to him at this point. Its a mess but thank you for your support

 

Ok, so your marriage is most likely passed the point of no return. 25 years, and at some point your going to have to deal with the emotions of that. Right now your in no positions to deal with it because your focus is MM and his marriage.

 

What happens when in six months or a year goes by and he is still with his wife? This compassion angle is to pacify you, and nothing to do with making things better for his wife. So his plan is to calm her down then piss her off again later by leaving? Does that honestly make sense to you?

 

I hope this all works out for you, I fear that it won't and you will be left alone dealing with all the wreckage of you marriage and family, while MM moves on with his wife.

[Be_Strong]

We didnt last 3 days, 3 longest days ever. My husband left last night. He's hurt but the anger he has, he's out to destroy me. MM has not wavered still wants me just trying to do it with compassion. His son is not speaking to him at this point. Its a mess but thank you for your support

 

Was it you or MM that first broke NC?

[jbrent890]

Everything I have predicted thus far is happening to a T. Next prediction, your husband is going to go file for divorce if he hasn't already. I'm telling you right now that you need to lawyer up and protect yourself. Seeing those papers coupled with the fact that MM still hasn't left his marriage is going to destroy you and finally bring you out of the fog. You might even ask your husband for a second chance at that point. I have seen this time and time again. The thing that destroys women in your situation is wavering. I promise you if you keep doing that you're going to end up with nothing.

[Be_Strong]

Farrah, let me key you in on why your husband is reacting so angrily right now. When he first found out about the affair, it was a huge shock and very painful. But his immediate thoughts were to examine himself and figure out what he did that caused you to cheat. In his mind, all he needed to do was fix the problems in himself and the marriage and then you would be happy to be with him and wouldn't need to cheat anymore. But, once he gave you a chance at reconciliation and was willing to change and be a better husband for you, and you still rejected him and wanted to be with another man, that was the ultimate hurt you could inflict on him and the reason why he is so angry and hurtful now.

 

A lot of BH's sort of expect that once they discover the affair, the WW's extracurricular fun will end and she'll come back to the marriage and behave herself. And if the WW is apologetic and remorseful and promises to be faithful again, the BH will likely try to keep the affair secret and not do anything to shame the WW. But if the WW is discovered and decides to keep up the affair even after her BH finds out about it, that is the worst possible disrespect that she can show to her BH and she will get to see an extremely vindictive side of her husband.

[goodyblue]

So what do I do? He wants to continue seeing and talking to me until he leaves. Should I wait for two weeks then end it? Im upset because we really are in love, its not bull. Whats the wife gonna do now? He said she wanted to see what I looked like. Will she become more affectionate, angry as days go by? I wonder. ; but I realize this has to play out between them.

 

Give him a timeline that YOU will wait. If he doesn't follow through, DO NOT extend the timeline. You have to show him that you mean business. My guy didn't tell until his ex found the bat phone. But once she did, he told her everything and left that very night. I think he is trying to ease his way out for himself, not for her.

[farrah5451]

Was it you or MM that first broke NC?

 

MM.

my marriage has been over. Im ready to be alone if I have to.

[Be_Strong]

Farrah, before your husband found out about the affair, what were your long term plans? Had you and MM talked about your future together (in a detailed/specific fashion)? Were you and MM just sort of enjoying the affair and your current situation without really discussing any kind of end game?

 

If neither your spouse or MM's spouse ever found out about the affair what do you think would have happened between you and MM?

[reconcile]

85% of adulterous affair relationships fail within the first year. You both are open to cheating on spouses, so it is usually not hard to cheat when and if the two of you aren't working out. I would go into this knowing that the odds are against you and repercussions are long term and wider than you think.

 

Romance is easy when you have geographical distance, once that magic man is within reach, one or both will sour in time and the relationship will have quick and fast magic loss. Prepare for this. He may become the equivalent of your husband in no time at all.

 

One thing i am sure of, you are underestimating the full breadth of what is to come. You will split friends and family. But none of this is a reason to not do it, but expect a lot of unintended consequences. Leaving someone for someone else is always a display of codependency. This man's presence is what amplifies your husbands faults. Without this guy around, you would likely be 4 times as happy with your husband. This part is unfair to husband - as is not telling him what he is up against. Tell him tonight and be done.

[jbrent890]

85% of adulterous affair relationships fail within the first year. You both are open to cheating on spouses, so it is usually not hard to cheat when and if the two of you aren't working out. I would go into this knowing that the odds are against you and repercussions are long term and wider than you think.

 

Romance is easy when you have geographical distance, once that magic man is within reach, one or both will sour in time and the relationship will have quick and fast magic loss. Prepare for this. He may become the equivalent of your husband in no time at all.

 

One thing i am sure of, you are underestimating the full breadth of what is to come. You will split friends and family. But none of this is a reason to not do it, but expect a lot of unintended consequences. Leaving someone for someone else is always a display of codependency. This man's presence is what amplifies your husbands faults. Without this guy around, you would likely be 4 times as happy with your husband. This part is unfair to husband - as is not telling him what he is up against. Tell him tonight and be done.

 

This and Be Strong's other post are spot on. One of the things that I noticed during my tenure here is that most women have a very hard time spreading emotional energy across multiple partners. They simply can't do it. Heck, even in good marriages, most women consider leaving their spouses when they are in an affair. Not to put him out there, but Fellini is the perfect example of this. I have seen this multiple times on this site. Once in an affair, most women can't even fathom going back to their husbands. I have seen multiple women say that their husbands were trying to change in order to win them back, but at that point, they didn't care. They were no longer attracted to their husbands. Granted, all of those women were knee deep in their affairs or still stuck in the fog. Divorce or leaving for the AP was usually eminent after that. However, I see same trend. Within a year, most either go back or consider going back to their husbands. Affair realtionships do not work out for a variety of different reasons. I think the biggest thing is that you're finally able to see the bad in that partner. Also, I think there is a certain level of resentment as well. Farrah, I'm afraid that MM will wind up resenting you. Even though he should blame himself, I think he will blame you for the broken relationship between his children and other family members. It's easy to see a good future now because of the in love feelings that you have, but those feelings screw with logic. Look at every decision that has been made thus far and can you honestly say that they have been the smartest.

[DKT3]

I don't recall the poster off the top of my head, but she was a MW involved with a MM. When she started posting she would talk about how great her husband was and that there was really no major issues in the marriage, however her and the MM just "clicked". As the time passed her husband became worse with each post until she stated that whole "my marriage was over before I met MM" I then pointed out how that far different then what she said when she first started posting, and that she stated she never intended to leave the marriage.

 

Its classic rewriting, as it is likely the case here. They get so wrapped up in the affair that they become blinded to everything around them. Their focus get devoted mostly on the MM, when is he going to text, what is he doing with his wife, the husband and even some times the kids just get in the way. In order for them to justify this it has to mean that this guy who is also a proven liar and cheater is so great, and their love so deep that it can't be denied.

 

It also serves as a wall that hides all the true faults with "mr wonderful". Once that glue of needing to justify (to themselves) the relationship they can finally start to see the bones of "mr wonderful"

 

Their have been several WW's that have made that full circle in the recent months right before our eyes here.

 

I've learned that unless your an affair advocate your words fall short of the mark. OP is dead set that this is the right route, maybe it will be for her, its happened before. The problem is her married man has all but told her he isn't leaving his wife.

 

As far as her marriage? Well, let's see what she thinks of it and her husband once she is all alone and the shine falls of her knights armour.

[reconcile]

Want to know what is so addictive about affairs? It is the infatuation. This sounds like a given until you understand infatuation. Infatuation is not simply liking someone, it is actually falling in love with our flawed selves through the eyes of another. They make you feel better about being desired and lovable...and chocolate is tasty unless you've eaten it for years and then the enthusiasm dips down (like long-term marriage). Affairs are like giving a kid his first piece of chocolate and he goes wild. In this instance, the cheating spouse is the chocolate. MM will grow tired of your chocolate. And when he fails to be enthusiastic towards you, you will resent him just like you resent current husband for not filling your balloon. When others appear to love us, we fall in love with ourselves. That is what infatuation actually is. One could argue that there is little special about the MM they cheat with other than they were available and up for the risk and deceit. That type of risk-taking deceitful partner has character flaws that you will one day fear and resent. All you are doing is rebooting the time it takes to sour on mate and with all the emotional baggage and family relationships tarnished, souring comes a lot faster like two teens whose union no one seems to bless. These types of issues, if the current spouse is not abusive or terminally lacking, tend to be character or esteem issues within the cheating spouse IMHO. It is always easier to triangulate with third parties to ignore the work we need to do inside ourselves.

Edited January 27, 2015 by reconcile