I think it rained all day today

[redshoes]

2 years ago, I went to Switzerland and I met the man of my dreams. But at the time I didn't realize that I did.

 

I was over there for 1 year and lived with him for eight months. He was the most caring person I had ever been with. We were in love with full of dreams and plans for our future. I remember sitting with him on the balcony after supper...still holding our wine glass in our hands and talking all night into the wee hours of dawn. He was everything a woman could ask for. But as much as I loved him, I loved him in a bad way. I was very insecure about the relationship. . .

 

I had been single for 2 years before him. I hated men. My ex was a lying cheat. I had some flings after that, but I never gave them much thought. I was afraid and had lost hope for a sincere relationship.

 

During the time I was in Switzerland with my "dream man", I started to discover things about myself that I hate admitting even today. My poor love suffered the hurt and pain I carried inside me. It was like he was being punished for my past. I was jealous and possesive. I couldn't bare to see him talk to another woman. I was so afraid he would leave me at any given moment. And as much as I think that I'm intelligent, I knew I was completely unreasonable. Near the end of my stay over there we got into some really bad fights. I started to offend him and be-little him. Told him he was good for nothing, that all men were cheaters and he was going to cheat on me one day too. I don't even think I believed what I was saying. But I had this urge to fight. I had so much anger built inside of me...I felt so unworthy of everything. And he was so patient with me. Loving, and waiting, and believing in me...

 

Finally, I came back to Canada. Our dreams were not over. We still wanted the same things and he decided to come see me for 3 months. He fell in love with the everything that he saw. He loved my family and my city. And as always, he loved me better than I did him. But I was trying. I mean I was really trying to work on my insecurities. I bought some self-help books openly talked to my mother about my situation (whom I believe is a very wise woman). I knew I had a problem with myself, and that if I didn't fix it, then my love would leave. I openly talked to my boyfriend about anything I felt I needed to say to him, at anytime. All the communication was working well for us , we were happy again. As soon as he left, he started to process his immigration file. Meanwhile, he even came down one more time to see me for 2 weeks 4 months later in May, just to ask for my hand in marriage. I was in heaven.

We talked everyday through the web. Wrote letters, gifts, text messaging. All the while still waiting for the papers. He even went to Paris in September to pass his interview with the Swiss embassy. And that's when things went really wrong. He called me from a parisien hotel and announced that the interview went well and he thought for sure that he was going to get his visa. But instead of jumping for joy, I broke up with him. The sudden reality of everything made me doubt again. I didn't believe the realtionship could work. I started questioning the "What ifs" (What if this and what if that). He was devestated. 4 days later I called back. I regretted everything. He had wanted nothing to do with me. He left me for 2 months. For 2 months I did my best to play my cards right. I knew that I had done the most selfish thing anyone could ever do to someone. After everything he did for me... I just had to be a bitch. Lucky enough he gave me a chance. And he never looked at it that way. He always said that he was giving US a chance. So November was the month for starting over. We were back on track and I never felt better with him.

 

On March 26 he called to say that he was going out. He went to see some of our closest friends. And then he called at 6 in the morning (For him). Told me he was drunk and tired , and that he loved me. But the fact that he went came back at 6 in the morning ticked me off. He told me that he fell asleep on the couch because he was too drunk to go home. And as much as he kept begging me to stop mistrusting him, I kept pushing the whole thing like it was the end of the world. I said I wanted to leave him. And when I told him that I didn't mean to say that...it was too late. I finally pushed the limits. He said that he had to go. He had enough. He needed to think about where he was going in all of this. He told me that he doubted that I could ever change. He cried in desparation and told me he was just too tired to go on. I cried in desparate hope that he would stay. We talked alot that day, and no matter what I said, he was gone.

 

I haven't heard from him since. For those of you who have been heart-broken, I don't think I need to spell it out. But I'm completely torn apart. I know he is too. I wrote him a message last night. I spilled out my regret. I didn't beg him because I don't want to scare him away. I'm still hanging on to a thread of hope. I know that I have improved alot during our time together. And something greater than me is telling me that this relationship can work out. I believe in myself and in my love for him. But does he? What should I do? I'm sorry this all happened and I want him back. Should I keep contacting him through e-mail? Should I leave him in his thoughts? I am trying to focus on my own things, but I can't help asking all these questions.

[moimeme]

The only way you should contact him would be to tell him you're under serious psychiatric help. You badly need to find out whatever it is that causes you to mistreat a man that loves you and get it fixed.

[HokeyReligions]

Instead of calling him, I think maybe you should be calling and finding a counselor to help you work out your own insecurities and bitterness and anger. Sometimes we all need a little outside help.

[redshoes]

I don't think you understood the letter Moimeme. I don't have an issue about why I have treated him badly. I get that part. And getting psychiatric help , I think, is not relevant to my situation. I don't think that I am a crazy person. I am just dealing with pain from the past. But thank you for taking the time to read my story.

 

Yes, Hockeyreligions I know, I know. Therapy is an option I would consider. Thank you.

 

Does anyone else have some refreshing advice? Is there any hope in getting him back under any circumstances?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

It sounds like you're not ready for a relationship. Being insecure is one thing, but being hurtful because of that to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it is a whole different story.

[redshoes]

I know I was being hurtful. I'm not a mean person. I never hurt anybody like that. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not ready to have a relationship... I know I need to heal my wounds. I wish he knew how sorry I am...

[moimeme]

I don't think you understood the letter Moimeme. I don't have an issue about why I have treated him badly. I get that part. And getting psychiatric help , I think, is not relevant to my situation. I don't think that I am a crazy person

 

You are under the misconception that people see psychiatrists because they are 'crazy'. Some people are suffering from mental ailments, yes, but many others seek professional help because they behave in dysfunctional ways, and, trust me on this, continually hurting someone who loves you the way you have is highly dysfunctional.

 

You have promised more than once to change but were unable to change yourself. That is the time you get professional help and speak to someone who has the skills to help you figure out why you behave so badly and how to stop it.