sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I am 30+ woman and MM is 40+ man, we are together 3+ years now. basically we talk everyday and meet 2-4 times a week when in the same city. now he work in another city alone for half year now. our relationship is very close, we talk everything very honest with each other. last week is a rough week for us, because I talked a lot, and forced him make decision, he is very patient with me, I think it's because he know himself that he cannot provide what I want, but don't want I leave. He don't make decision of choosing her and me, he say he want both and he love both. he say we have future. last night I make a big drama, and again we talked a lot on phone, and I ask him what he plan to do about us. and he told me he need to discuss with his wife, what he want is can divorce her and marry me in legal way, but he will keep marry her in religion way. He want she and me can learn how to share and he will love she and me equal nice. So basically he want he can have two wives. He told me she is innocent and she is a good woman, and he still love her. He want me accept in future he will spend half time in her place and half time in my place, and he tell me he will still have sex with her, and he will still treat her as his wife. He want she and me can become friends, and he say his dream is we all live together. He say he will discuss this with her when they meet next week (they will stay together 1 month), but he tell me the decision will take longer, because she is still hurting. (our Dday is 2 years ago, he told her he is with me) is anyone try to deal with this situation before? he told me if I can control my jealous feelings then everything will go very good way, because no one need to get hurt. He will take care both. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 read up on polyamory. It is tough. some people can make it work. most can't. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 What do you want? do you want to be his only woman, or are you happy to "share"? Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Half the time? It sounds like you spend half the time together anyway. What will change? He is going to ask his wife for a divorce, marry you "legally" and stay married to her religiously. How does that work? Tons of pipe dreams, are prepared to be the "other wife"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 What do you want? do you want to be his only woman, or are you happy to "share"? I told him I don't want share and I feel pain, but I don't want to lose him too. He say he understand my feelings, and he want me can also understand her feelings. I know she is probably the same that she don't want he is with me but she also cannot walk away. He tell her he love her too. So here we are, I think if I walk away, he will let me, if she want walk away, he will let her. So now is everyone make own division if want stay. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 If you dont want to share and feel pain, then this is not going to work. You will either have to suck it up and put up with a situation where you are constantly hurt. Or You will have to walk away. With polyamory, all parties MUST be in total agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Would this arrangement include you or his wife being able to "marry" another man, or are his needs the only thing that matters in this potential deal? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He is going to ask his wife for a divorce, marry you "legally" and stay married to her religiously. How does that work? Depends on where you live. Some countries recognise polygamous marriage legally; others allow for one "legal" (state registered) marriage and other religious marriages (e.g. By Muslim rites, or African traditional marriages) where the spouses still have legal protections and offspring are still regarded as "legitimate"; other countries allow for only one simultaneous marriage, whether legally registered or not. I'm assuming by the Op's description that she lives in the second group, where the state recognises one "legal" M but other "religious" Ms alongside those. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 If you dont want to share and feel pain, then this is not going to work. You will either have to suck it up and put up with a situation where you are constantly hurt. Or You will have to walk away. With polyamory, all parties MUST be in total agreement. Polyamory also comes from a place of a loving and secure relationship, not the deception that affairs often are. OP- Is his wife aware of his affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Half the time? It sounds like you spend half the time together anyway. What will change? He is going to ask his wife for a divorce, marry you "legally" and stay married to her religiously. How does that work? Tons of pipe dreams, are prepared to be the "other wife"? now we are not public and we don't live together, and we don't marry yet so we cannot have kids now. His religion allow to have more than one wife, and he say it's what important to him. He don't feel legal marriage is that important. He told me he do it is because he also understand birth kid without father is not right thing to do. sometimes I feel this plan might work, because he and me can feel less guilty, and I know less drama is better. but I also know if I do this decision, then I really need to accept share things, time, love, sex, caring, attention... I don't know if I can handle it, I told him it's hard for me to think that he kiss me this morning and hug other tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 From what you have written in your posts, I am unsure if this is the right situation for you- it seems like you may think "its better than nothing"- please don't base a long standing decision on the fear of losing him in the short term- Only you can decide if a poly relationship is good for you or not-if you decide yes, then you can look at all the details of this poly relationship-it has a lot of hurdles in that it seems it will never be an equal one- she is first, you two may not even like each other based on history-he will have all the power rather than a 3 way balance- Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Would this arrangement include you or his wife being able to "marry" another man, or are his needs the only thing that matters in this potential deal? He want I am loyal, he wont accept I have another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Polyamory also comes from a place of a loving and secure relationship, not the deception that affairs often are. OP- Is his wife aware of his affair? yes, she know all. He tell her our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He want I am loyal, he wont accept I have another. Re-read what you just wrote. You will get half of one person but he will be able to have two women exclusively. How is this fair to you? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I am 30+ woman and MM is 40+ man, we are together 3+ years now. basically we talk everyday and meet 2-4 times a week when in the same city. now he work in another city alone for half year now. our relationship is very close, we talk everything very honest with each other. last week is a rough week for us, because I talked a lot, and forced him make decision, he is very patient with me, I think it's because he know himself that he cannot provide what I want, but don't want I leave. He don't make decision of choosing her and me, he say he want both and he love both. he say we have future. last night I make a big drama, and again we talked a lot on phone, and I ask him what he plan to do about us. and he told me he need to discuss with his wife, what he want is can divorce her and marry me in legal way, but he will keep marry her in religion way. He want she and me can learn how to share and he will love she and me equal nice. So basically he want he can have two wives. He told me she is innocent and she is a good woman, and he still love her. He want me accept in future he will spend half time in her place and half time in my place, and he tell me he will still have sex with her, and he will still treat her as his wife. He want she and me can become friends, and he say his dream is we all live together. He say he will discuss this with her when they meet next week (they will stay together 1 month), but he tell me the decision will take longer, because she is still hurting. (our Dday is 2 years ago, he told her he is with me) is anyone try to deal with this situation before? he told me if I can control my jealous feelings then everything will go very good way, because no one need to get hurt. He will take care both. He's living in a fantasy world! I'd tell him to shove it up where the sun don't shine! Your MM is playing you big time, telling you crap. You deserve so much better than what he's offering you! I wish you strength to wake up, dump him and find a real man who will only want you and not want two wives. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Re-read what you just wrote. You will get half of one person but he will be able to have two women exclusively. How is this fair to you? yes, it's not fair, and what bother me is he might have third or forth. but it's what he can offer, he told me he cannot leave his family, but he also cannot leave me, and it's the best way he can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 This is true, he could get with a third, forth wife. Then what? You are not all living together so there is no shared responsibilities of married life, children, chores...ect I get it. You love him. However, why worship a man who might eventually be with you 1/4 of the time. Or worse yet, he is with younger, more attractive and more energetic wife #3 or #4 because he got too bored of you. These type of commitment (ie.plural marriage) are usually accepted and agreed apon by all parties prior to the arrangement. You are being blindsided and almost being forced to accept out of love/honor/loyalty to this man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 yes, it's not fair, and what bother me is he might have third or forth. but it's what he can offer, he told me he cannot leave his family, but he also cannot leave me, and it's the best way he can do. He can leave any time he wants. If he cared about you the way he claims he does, he would set you free to find a man who would be your 100%. So what is the best you can do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 What is his religion? I do not believe his wife is going for that. He tells you all kinds of things when you get upset yet he has done nothing. You want to be his only so you believe this will work yet you woulld not be his only then either. You will be upset and hurt every time he is with his wife just as you are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 What is his religion? I do not believe his wife is going for that. He tells you all kinds of things when you get upset yet he has done nothing. You want to be his only so you believe this will work yet you woulld not be his only then either. You will be upset and hurt every time he is with his wife just as you are now. they both are Islam, his dad from Arabic. I don't have religion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 He can leave any time he wants. If he cared about you the way he claims he does, he would set you free to find a man who would be your 100%. So what is the best you can do? we did try to do NC for months last year. but when we meet, we are just as close as before, I think it's because we are very open with each other. I did told he if he really love me, he should let me go, because apparently I cannot leave. he say he don't want we separate, he promise will treat me very well, and I can trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Seachan Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I can see how this could work with a HD husband and 2 LD wives. Problem comes with caring for children. Can your MM support 2 households? Sometimes sister-wives end up co-parenting together like in Mormon families. My grandfather was polygamous. The children are the ones who are short-changed in this arrangement - with a father whose attention is diverted to too many needy ones: wives, children, housing requirements, etc. It gets logarithmically more complicated with each individual added to this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 we did try to do NC for months last year. but when we meet, we are just as close as before, I think it's because we are very open with each other. I did told he if he really love me, he should let me go, because apparently I cannot leave. he say he don't want we separate, he promise will treat me very well, and I can trust him. The woman he married and pledged his life and fidelity to he has cheated on, lied to and gaslighted. Do you think these are traits of a trustworthy man? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 because apparently I cannot leave he wont accept I have another what important to him he want You act like you have no say. That his word is the only word that counts. Even though you feel it's not fair I don't know if I can handle it he cannot provide what I want I don't want share and I feel pain If you do not want to be one of many wives, tell him no. Then don't engage him anymore. You have the right to say "this is not for me". 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) I am 30+ woman and MM is 40+ man, we are together 3+ years now. basically we talk everyday and meet 2-4 times a week when in the same city. now he work in another city alone for half year now. our relationship is very close, we talk everything very honest with each other. last week is a rough week for us, because I talked a lot, and forced him make decision, he is very patient with me, I think it's because he know himself that he cannot provide what I want, but don't want I leave. He don't make decision of choosing her and me, he say he want both and he love both. he say we have future. last night I make a big drama, and again we talked a lot on phone, and I ask him what he plan to do about us. and he told me he need to discuss with his wife, what he want is can divorce her and marry me in legal way, but he will keep marry her in religion way. He want she and me can learn how to share and he will love she and me equal nice. So basically he want he can have two wives. He told me she is innocent and she is a good woman, and he still love her. He want me accept in future he will spend half time in her place and half time in my place, and he tell me he will still have sex with her, and he will still treat her as his wife. He want she and me can become friends, and he say his dream is we all live together. He say he will discuss this with her when they meet next week (they will stay together 1 month), but he tell me the decision will take longer, because she is still hurting. (our Dday is 2 years ago, he told her he is with me) is anyone try to deal with this situation before? he told me if I can control my jealous feelings then everything will go very good way, because no one need to get hurt. He will take care both. My friend has been the OW for what, like 6 years now, this is her dream! However, it's not going to happen. If it were it would have happened ages ago. But she's hoping that somehow she can become his second wife, even though I'm sure he's never asked his wife about this and his wife obviously wouldn't agree, as if he thought she were amenable to the idea he'd have asked her ages ago. The fact that he's never asked about such an arrangement is clearly because he knows his wife would look at him as though he had lost his mind, but he has dropped the hint of the possibility preying on my friend's love for him, knowing she will run with it and cling to hope that this could be a real arrangement. Anyway, if next month he talks to his wife and she doesn't agree or he says he hasn't asked her, what do you plan to do? There are people who have poly relationships but betrayal is betrayal and usually the poly nature is something agreed upon in the beginning and not that one person cheats for 3 years then pops up and asks if the OW can be the second wife. Also, what he's saying seems like nonsense in terms of him divorcing his wife and legally marrying you and being married to her religiously? WTF?! Sorry, but in lots of poly situations there is also a pecking order, that is, the original wife or the first wife doesn't get discarded and divorced and then the other person becomes the legal spouse. Why would he think his wife would agree that he will divorce her, marry you, marry her only ceremonially again and then can live between you two and you all will become best friends??? That's insane frankly. I don't mean to be harsh but sounds like a pie in the sky fantasy on his part (and yours) and not anything probable, unless his wife is absolutely insane too, that's the only way I can see her agreeing to this plan. But like I said, if that's what he says he wants and will discuss it, wait and see after the month if he really does, then you have to decide after that point what you will do. I wager his wife will NOT agree to this or that he won't ask her but will provide some excuse as to why he couldn't. If either of these things happen are you willing to walk or will you just continue on with him secretly? Edited January 21, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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