Author sisa Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 He is lying to you. How do you not see this? Call his wife, ask her if she would be okay with you loving with him. Go on, call her. I bet she has a completely different story for you. She is not okay with our affair, but she know it. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 She is not okay with our affair, but she know it. Here's the thing... she is not going to divorce and then stay with him.why would she do that? Do you think she is going to want to give up his 401K and everything else that goes along with being the legal wife? He may marry you but only because she dumped him. And then she will get half. To which she is entitled. This guy is a creeper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 she takes care kids and doesn't work for a long time, so she is a bit insecure about the financial part is understandable. MM has good job and can provide them good life, but his salary is not enough to provide two family good life if compare with what they have now. I think it's the point she worry. MM and I did talk about this topic, but I have job too and make similar money as MM, so base on this, in fact they don't need to have big change about their life standard, and MM know this, but I don't know if she know this too. In fact. I don't mind 401K or alimony thing, they can make agreement that after divorce what she want to have. I don't want take everything from her and make her poor, so if she can feel better by this, maybe everything can be just easier. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 she takes care kids and doesn't work for a long time, so she is a bit insecure about the financial part is understandable. MM has good job and can provide them good life, but his salary is not enough to provide two family good life if compare with what they have now. I think it's the point she worry. MM and I did talk about this topic, but I have job too and make similar money as MM, so base on this, in fact they don't need to have big change about their life standard, and MM know this, but I don't know if she know this too. In fact. I don't mind 401K or alimony thing, they can make agreement that after divorce what she want to have. I don't want take everything from her and make her poor, so if she can feel better by this, maybe everything can be just easier. Sisa, she is simply NOT going to divorce him and then stick around. You have got to come to the conclusion on your own that this guy is really hurting your self esteem, nobody here can do that for you. I am sorry you are in pain, but you are allowing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Why would you settle for this? This works for one person: him! It doesn't work for you and I sincerely doubt that it will work for his wife. Get into counseling and figure out why you would accept such poor treatment. You deserve much more. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Sisa, This MM isn't lying to you as much as you are lying to yourself. You will do what you will and that means accepting whatever cockamamie story he tells you and accepting this half-life as some sort of demi-spouse, legitimate or not. Please promise me this. Before you bring children into this screwed-up relationship where they will get a half-time father and you commit your financial resources to supporting him so he can support her you do three things: 1) Find the strongest, most self-assured woman you know. Befriend her and share your story. If she recommends you do this, take her advice. If she doesn't and tells you to get the hell out, listen. You have no one in your life giving you advice accept for posters on this board and to a person they are all strongly recommending that you not do this, yet you are still determined to go through with this. 2) Live in this situation for awhile as the "live-in" wife to be to the married man. See if the jealousy and hurt doesn't eat you alive. Talk to a doctor about possible depression. And if you can really survive this and be HAPPY (and not lie to yourself that you're happy), then go forward. You can't be happy like this. And if you aren't, consider how it's going to feel like a child who has every expectation that he will be dad's priority. When he's the second child and there's another family, there's no getting around the fact that he will feel cheated and likely end up resenting both of you. 3) Go to an attorney. Determine what your rights are. Lock up everything that is yours - your future earnings, your investments, your possessions - into whatever prenuptial arrangement you need to lock them up in. You will eventually need to get out and leaving broke because he can take you for half isn't worth it. Don't even consider having a child with this man until you've done these things. You are messing around in a culture you don't understand and once you have a child, your rights as a mother and as a wife may be diminished in a divorce (legal or otherwise). You do not want to risk your child's welfare or you life-long relationship with your child to a man who you know in your heart is not trustworthy. Dear God, your relationship is as screwed up as any I've seen on this board. I'm absolutely terrified that you will have a child then live to regret all of your actions now. PLEASE TAKE CARE. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 thank you Georgia girl, you are all right, what you talk is what I also think a lot. I will not have kid with him when thing is unclear, last month I almost pregnant by him because we didn't protect. I was very very worry after that had sex without protect with him. He knew I avoid pregnancy with him when we are not marry. Now we are planing live together, I told him I expect we will marry of things go well when we live together. He say he know it and it's what he want too. and I told him I want he really think about it very seriously that we are going this path is what he want, and also tell me if one day he want cancel this plan. He is with his wife now, and I will less emotional and don't give him any stress this period. after they live again somedays together and he still very sure he want me, then I will move to his city and live together and see how the future goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 you are all right. he is not going to marry me, this is just his talking that make me stay with him. I start NC again, I hope NC can make me forget him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 For what it's worth Sisa, I truly believe you are doing the best thing for you. Yes it will hurt, but this is the first step towards moving to a happier you. There is no reason you can't do this. All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 after three years together with him, and I got this mail finally, because i cannot accept being lover and want to break? i am so tired and sad. If I don't hear from you today I will not contact you anymore and we are finished forever. If you react like this just means you are not reliable. And I feel enough from you. Nothing can grow with reactions like that. I guess you might read this later or never. Anyway so we both say finish. Bye The last association I have on you is that you are an *******. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 after three years together with him, and I got this mail finally, because i cannot accept being lover and want to break? i am so tired and sad. If I don't hear from you today I will not contact you anymore and we are finished forever. If you react like this just means you are not reliable. And I feel enough from you. Nothing can grow with reactions like that. I guess you might read this later or never. Anyway so we both say finish. Bye The last association I have on you is that you are an *******. I would strongly advise you do not send that email. Going by the way that you have worded it you are just trying to goad him into a response to prove to yourself he does care. I'm sure he does care about you on some level, but not enough to be with you, and only you. That's the only thing that matters here. You want something he cannot/will not give you and you are deeply unhappy. It is time to move forward. You will not move forward if you keep testing him. He will either pass or fail, and you will just spend more time justifying and dwelling on things. You do not need to have the last word here, all you need to do is walk away. Block him from contacting you and start taking the time to heal. 3 years is a long time, it will hurt, but the pain will diminish if you give yourself a chance to grieve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 this is the mail he send me. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 He is clearly trying to manipulate you into accepting the relationship on his terms regardless of what you want. If you respond, he will hold it over your head saying that you agreed. Don't respond. But now you do have to walk away. His cards are on the table and it's less than you can obviously accept. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 If you reply back to him than you are saying "ok, I won't ask questions, or get upset, and I will do whatever you want". He knows what buttons to push with you. The letter is cruel, don't talk to him again. I bet in less than a week he writes another one. That letter tells you that he has been lying to you the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 If I don't hear from you today I will not contact you anymore and we are finished forever. If you react like this just means you are not reliable. And I feel enough from you. Nothing can grow with reactions like that. I guess you might read this later or never. Anyway so we both say finish. Bye The last association I have on you is that you are an *******. I'm sorry for misunderstanding you Sisa. What an absolute knob for sending you this. He is trying to goad you into a response and setting it up so that he can turn around and act blameless regardless of what happens next. Think about it, if you respond to defend yourself, it'll only lead to more lengthy yet pointless discussions with him eventually being able to say 'but you responded to my mail, you agreed this could carry on and you knew what the terms were'. If you don't respond, when he contacts you in the future (which I suspect he will at some point), he can then turn around and say, 'but you never contacted me, this is your fault'. Take this and turn it into a positive. This is the perfect time to walk away and never contact this guy again. He has given you the perfect out. Take it. Oh, and by the way, about his last statement. Don't let it get to you, as I said, all he's trying to do is force you to respond. Plus, why would you give a rats ass about what a selfish, cheating, liar thinks about you anyway. One of the few things that you know about him for sure is that the words out of his mouth are total garbage. This is no different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I responsed him and write, seperate will be good for both of us, wish you good, bye. and he reply this, I know I make him angry, but unlike before always ask me back, now he is with his wife and talk harsh to me. Like this you show me I can not rely on you. With your sudden break up dramas you just let me imagine how I can have good life with family instead plan how I can have family with you. You should be smarter. But if you really want to seoerage. Just tell me in next mail. Then I won't wrote again ever. If you are not sure you should say we can discuss it. If you want me you should let me feel I can trust your words. Then I will want to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Like this you show me I can not rely on you. With your sudden break up dramas you just let me imagine how I can have good life with family instead plan how I can have family with you. You should be smarter. But if you really want to seoerage. Just tell me in next mail. Then I won't wrote again ever. If you are not sure you should say we can discuss it. If you want me you should let me feel I can trust your words. Then I will want to be with you. Sisa, you do realise that at this point keeping the communication open with this fool is only increasing the hurt and pain you're feeling. He is already assuming you are going to respond again because he knows that he doesn't need to take your threats of leaving seriously. You've already been over and over it. He's never going to leave his wife/family to be solely with you so what more is there to discuss? You've already said goodbye. I don't see how any further communication will benefit you at this point. One more point I'd like to make about his closing sentence. I admit I'm no expert, but in my limited experience someone saying 'if you would only do x,y and z and/or change a,b and c and then I would want you' isn't love at all. Or if it is, then honestly that's the kind of love I can live without. So can you. Aim higher for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Sisa, Again, this is pure - and this time very, very mean and ugly - manipulation. Someone who loves you, considers you a partner and wants to be a part of your life would never say those things to you. Someone who desires you and wants to manipulate you into accepting his terms says those kind of things. The threat, if you love me then be trustworthy? Really dude? 'Cause he's trustworthy? Please, please walk away. He's not going to get better. He's not going to miraculously treat you well. He doesn't know how to treat a woman well. He's already cheated on one wife, he says hurtful and hateful things to you and then he attempts - very baldly, I might add - to manipulate you into accepting less than you want, deserve and need for only his benefit. I have not read in one thing he wrote to you how he will make things good for you. It's all what you have to do for him. Ignore. Move on. It's time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 It's strange that after last big fight, he and me now seems in a different level. I am less jealous now and even don't feel bad about MM and his wife is together and have vacation now. He thanks me for this. He feel good when I am rational, now we discuss how to arrange all the things coming true, discuss how to marry me and how to ask her acceptance. He told me she know his feelings for me is real and he want everyone can get along well. He discuss with her that he feel a best way is everyone open and discuss. so next week she and me will have a meeting. He told me it will be good that we get to know with each other without him, and he feel it's a way to solve the situation. I tell him that thank him for arrange this. I think now my problem is about how to tell this to my family, I don't want they feel disappointed at me and feel I am bad. How to let them feel fine that I do this choice? Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I think now my problem is about how to tell this to my family, I don't want they feel disappointed at me and feel I am bad. How to let them feel fine that I do this choice? Damn he's good. So he has broken you down and you are officially #2. Now, why would family/friends be disappointed? What's their argument? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Speaking as a parent with adult children, there is no way to do that. They will see it as wrong for you. The only way to tell them is just say it. Why do you need their approval ? Are you worried about meeting with his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Damn he's good. So he has broken you down and you are officially #2. Now, why would family/friends be disappointed? What's their argument? feel disappoint that I involve in his marriage, and feel I am bad woman. If your friend doing this, will you think she is low and bad? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Speaking as a parent with adult children, there is no way to do that. They will see it as wrong for you. The only way to tell them is just say it. Why do you need their approval ? Are you worried about meeting with his wife? I don't need parent approval, just want they don't disappoint at me about my choice. I am not worried meeting his wife, I think it's a way to solve problem. Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 feel disappoint that I involve in his marriage, and feel I am bad woman. If your friend doing this, will you think she is low and bad? The issue here is you need to convince yourself first that what you're doing is to your benefit and that your life will be better being involved in this situation. Then it really won't matter what anyone else thinks. Personally, and no offense, but I wouldn't be friends with someone who thinks so low of themselves that this is the best they could do. An affair for fun is one thing, second wife is totally different. BTW, his wife will most likely make your life a living hell and if you complain MM will drop you. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I would certainly talk to the wife before I told my family about this. Try and have a very honest conversation with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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