went to book restaurant for my birthday then dumped me!!!

[cleebie]

Hi everyone,

 

Hope anyone out there can give me some advice as to whether there is a chance I can win my partner back

 

We lived together for 4 years when out of the blue told me he was leaving me. This happened 2 months ago and I am still totally devasted, I can't eat, I cry all the time and feel incredibly lonely. One minute everything was fine and then it was all over. He told me it wasn't me, it was him, that he's changed and that we are more like best friends, he still loves me, cares about me and doesn't want to lose me completely out of his life. There does seem to be a good basis for a relationship there and I hope that maybe he will change his mind but he seems adamant although he only ever says that he "thinks" he has made the right decision. I don't feel that he has given me an adequate enough reason for leaving which is leaving me very confused about things especially with the suddeness of it all as well - everything was normal that morning when he said that he was going to book a restaurant for my birthday that evening and then 3 hours later - blam!-, it's over - just don't get it.

 

I dont believe that any of his relationships have lasted much more than 4 or 5 years and I wonder whether it is a case that he gets that far and starts getting commitment phobic. He also has had a lot of work pressure the last 2/3 months - he is very ambitious and works away a lot and works long hours and there also has been a recent death in his family and I wonder whether all this combined could be making him look at his personal relationships differently and push me away (even though he has only good things to say about us!)

 

Does anyone else have experience of work related stress or other outside influences affecting relationships to the point of break up even thought the basic relationship is pretty solid?

 

I would love any advice anyone could give me on how I could possibly fan the flames of love again and win him back.

 

He has moved in with this mother who is being a substitute for me in terms of catering for his basic needs but wonder whether I would have a slight advantage when he finds his own place and suddenly he has to do everything for himself - will this make him realise what he has lost? (he has never lived on his own before)

 

I met him for a drink a week ago but it didn't go well and we both ended up in tears but with him no closer to coming back - should I do a period of no contact? Only thing with that is that I worry that if we dont have contact, he will forget about me but when I do hear from him, I don't like what I hear because it is not "I love you, I am coming back" and I am devasted all over again. Oh, the torment!!!

 

It is a toss up between those two sayings "out of sight, out of mind" or "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - don't know which to go for.

 

please help!!!

[Donut]

It's hard to know what goes through some people's minds sometimes. I'm sorry you're going through this pain.

 

It sounds like he's fallen out of love with you, he says he loves you and maybe he does in his own way, but not enough to continue the relationship. Maybe he is commitment phobic but there is nothing you can say or do to make him "snap out of it". And if he is commitment phobic he'd make a lousy husband anyway and would have hurt you in time. Only recognising it within himself and seeking help for it will help him, if he ever does. Believe me, I know. Maybe he doesn't even know himself why exactly it has to end, but from his point of view it does have to end, no-one goes into these decisions lightly. It's probably been going through his mind for quite some time.

 

You can ask him to give you closure, but as you've already said you met him last week and it didn't go well. Seek closure for yourself with self help books and counselling if you can get it. You've gone through tremendous loss and in a way it's like grieving a death, the sudden death of your relationship.

 

I'd say do no contact, but not in the hopes of winning him back. Do it to restore your dignity, to learn from this painful lesson and move on. Start going out and having fun when you are ready, revel in all the things you could not do while in the relationship, get some hobbies going to pass the time, do the things you need to do for yourself. Concentrate on you, not him. Take all the love you have for him and direct it at yourself.

[cleebie]

Thanks Donut,

 

He couldn't actually say that he is no longer in love with me when I asked if that is the issue, couldn't give any solid reason really apart from "I've changed" but confusingly, he also said that he could happily live with me forever but it wouldn't be good for either of us! - I thought being able to live happily with someone was a good sign in a relationship or is it just me?

 

 

But I have to have hope in that if he fell in love with me, then fell out of love with me, he can fall in love with me again can't he? if feelings can change one way, they can change the other? Am I a hopeless romantic or just hopeless?!!

 

 

He doesn't seem to be entirely sure why has done what he has done so maybe with a time of no contact, he may start to miss me and appreciate me more and maybe think he made the wrong decision. He has also thrown himself into his job and doesn't give himself time to think about anything else so maybe when his work calms down and he actually has time to sit and think properly, he might have regrets - this may sound like I am clutching at straws but I know what he is like with his work, he is very ambitious and will not allow himself to think about anything else when work is foremost in his mind.

 

 

He is also reluctant to sever ties completely in regard to picking up his stuff from the flat, wont cancel financial arrangements between us, etc. even though I have asked him to.

 

 

I am in a difficult position in that we moved here away from family and friends to be together and being wrapped up in each other, I didn't make any other friends, so now I have no-one to go out with or have round to take my mind off things and help me through. I am always on my own except when i visit my family. This is due to me being very, very shy and have always had a difficult time making friends and meeting new people - it terrifies me!! but I am trying to get out there and do stuff which is a big step for me. I do wonder whether my shyness has played a part in the split in that he maybe saw me as too dependent on him for companionship, etc, although I am not a complete mouse!

 

 

I can't accept that he won't come back, not yet anyway - I know that is not a good thing and I should move on but he is the love of my life and I thought we would be together forever and so did everyone else who knows us so it is too painful to let go at the moment and the hope is the only thing that gets me through most days.

 

 

I find the thought of knowing that I am going to feel like I do now for months possibly years, too much to bare and when people try to cheer me up by saying you never know what is round the corner, I mostly hope for a speeding truck.

 

 

not very cheerful or optimistic, I know, but honest.

 

 

oh well.......

[alicia24]

I would look into weather or not he cheated on you. This same thing happened to me. Come to find out he couldnt live with the guilt of cheating on me so he turned the whole thing around made me look like the a**h*** and broke up with me.

[cleebie]

I have asked him a few times if someone else is involved and he insists not.

 

He is doing the "its not you, its me" routine - he hasn't blamed me for anything - says he still loves me, cares for me loves his life with me but wouldn't be good for either of us. So i am none the wiser - could be cheating and thats why he is being so jolly nice about it all - guilt. Unless he tells me something, I guess I'll never know..unless I start following him - at the very least, it will get me out of the house for a while!!

 

I feel like confronting him again with it now, but wanted to do No Contact for a while, so don't know what to do..

[Donut]

Is there any chance of you moving back to be with your family and friends?? This may be a very good option for you. Or can anyone come and stay with you for a while, to help you through?

 

Take the initiative, put all his things in boxes and take them to his mothers. If this isn't possible, put them somewhere out of sight until he does pick them up. Are the finances in joint names? If so, you can cancel them or take them over. Maybe get some advice about this from the citizens advice bureau?

 

I'm so sorry, I know you're hurting so much right now. The split happened two months ago, he's had alot of time to think already. It's probably nothing that you've done or haven't done, if he had a solid reason to break up with you on the grounds that you did something wrong, you'd know about it, so please don't blame yourself. Looking in between the lines I think he's telling you he's no good for you in the long run, and he would just be staying with you but going thru the motions if he stayed, that's not what you want!!! He's been having doubts for a while, and split up with you when it was convenient and best for him. You cannot change his mind for him. You know this because nobody can change your mind but you.

 

He may have his regrets in the future but don't wait around for it, it may take a bloody long while, and you have a life to live! This is the time to take the initiative and get tough. If you cry and beg with him you will regret doing so in a few months and he'll just end up resenting you for it. Start taking some action about advice for the finances and find out about getting some counselling to help you cope.

 

I know I'm not telling you what you want to hear, I wish I could and it hurts me too!

 

My thoughts are with you x

[cleebie]

Thanks again Donut,

 

I guess I just want someone to say "yeah, my bf did same thing to me but came running back when he came to his senses and now everything is perfect"

 

but guess that aint gonna happen.

 

I still hope for that and he can't seem to let go completely but i'm not waiting around, I am doing my best to get out there, make some friends, signed up for a pottery class which will get me out and should be good fun.

 

These are big steps for me as I am very shy and find it all rather frightening but I'm doing it!

 

You sound like you've been through it and come out the other end, so there is hope.

 

Thanks. My thoughts are with you too. xx

[girly]

Wow, this sounds so much like my story.....Together for 4 and a half years, broke up about 3 and a half weeks ago. He left without giving me solid reasons. He said there was nobody else though...I strongly suspect that he left because of my insecurities. I too am super shy and don't have much for friends....he was my best friend. I relied on him for so much, and not having him to lean on has been so hard.

 

We have exchanged a few emails. I have asked if he would meet me one day so that we could go for a walk and talk. He says that he is willing to, but that maybe we should wait for a little while longer since this whole thing has been so hard, and he is afraid that we would reopen fresh wounds. I agree with that, but not seeing him hurts me so much.

 

I have had a lot of time to think in the last few weeks, and have learned so much about myself. I know that him leaving is going to be a good thing in the end. I think whether or not we were ever going to be able to make us 'work', this break needed to happen. I was so dependent on him to be my everything, and I got too comfortable in that role. I needed to step back and reevaluate things...what's important, and what's not....I see now that it is possible for me to live without him, but I don't want to. I don't just miss having someone around to do things with, but I truly miss him....his character, his laugh, his way of looking at things...everything.

 

While we were still together, I was trying to work on my shyness and insecurity..I was making some progress....and he was proud of me. I see now that some of those things weren't things to just 'try' to fix, but rather decisions that had to simply be made and stuck with.

 

I too am hoping that he realizes that we were just the best together, and that he comes back to me soon. I would love the chance to start fresh with him, show him that I've come a long way from the girl he left crying in the doorway, and make things right. I also want him to be happy though, and thats why right now I have to try to back off a bit. Give him that space he needs.

 

I hope things work out for you, cleebie. I wish I could be the one to tell you that my similar situation ended the way I wanted it to, and give you the reassurance you are looking for. I guess all I can offer is to say that you have a friend in the same 'shy boat' that knows what you're feeling. Keep us updated on how things are going though! Good Luck!

[cleebie]

Hi Girly,

 

Thanks so much for sharing your story.

 

it does sound very much like mine in that I think my shyness and insecurites drove him away. I have made a lot of progress in the last 2 months, doing things that I would never have thought I could do when I was with him and when he left, so I feel now that I can survive on my own.

 

But like you, even though I feel I can live without him, I don't want to - all i do is remember all the sweet little things he used to do and say, his funny little ways. I can't even begin to imagine being with anyone who would know and understand me so completely the way he did - it doesn't seem possible, but others here will tell you it does get better with time and that there are other people out there for you - as hard as it is to believe right now, i guess I have to believe it and just keep pushing forward.

 

The saddest thing for me is that if the reason he left is due to my shyness and over-reliance on him, now I am truly overcoming that, I think we could probably be happy again if given the chance but how do you get that chance? it is in their hands and you can't control it - it's very frustrating!

 

We had a wonderful life together and were very happy and I kick myself for not doing what I should have done to improve myself while we were together until it was too late, but now I have to do it for me.

 

Girly, you should be really proud of yourself for the steps you are taking in improving yourself and to overcome your shyness, trust me, I know how hard it is, how terrifying it can be to put yourself out there when all you want to do is hide away, but I am taking it one step at a time, you can't change the way you are overnight but you will gain confidence with every step you take and besides, it bit of shyness isn't a bad thing - it probably means you are a sensitive, caring and thoughtful person, which in my book makes you a good person.

 

I really hope you two get back together. With a bit of space and time to think, you never know....

 

I'll be thinking of you.

 

keep me posted too!