MM won't respect NC

[deep_fried]

Long time lurker but this is my first post..

 

Is there anything more frustrating than when you have committed to moving on (going on dates etc.) and your ex-AP won't accept NC?

 

AP moved in with me in November - his relationship really was a disaster - too long to explain here but involved criminal activity on part of her family. I really didn't want him living with me but gave it a shot since as a friend (let alone an AP) I wanted to get him out of the situation.

 

His wife was pissed - did not give up, texted him constantly, showed up on holidays with him uninvited (yes, really. Long story..) etc. etc. I tried to be patient and let him work through it, I didn't look at his phone, tried to trust him 100%. However - he eventually did go to see her, and spent the night (it is a long way so coming home would have been difficult - but seriously..not ok).

 

I kicked him out immediately when I found out and she of course took him back - I wrote an email to both of them saying that it was over, and that I would inform her if he contacted me.

 

I also wrote her a long email explaining why exactly he had started his EA with me (which eventually turned physical), and how if she did not address the root of the problem (criminal step-children) their relationship would fail with or without me on the scene. I know, I know - don't blame the "victim" - however there is no doubt he lost the lovin' feelin' due to the choices she made (again - criminal activity including house raid / arrests)

 

Of course - he started contacting me immediately, wanting to come back. I have emailed her twice now to let her know. He was very unhappy about this, and has asked me not to make contact with her, says he wants to work on things between us but needs time for closure with her - blah blah blah... yes, we have all heard this, right?

 

Aggghh! I am so torn. I don't want to totally kick him under the bus, but am totally annoyed that he made a break, but got lured back into her toxic dumpsite of problems.

 

I guess I will keep emailing her if he contacts me... but it would be so nice if they would either both get lost, or he would tell her to get lost properly... the drama is so draining!

 

DON'T even attempt to befriend a married guy! EVER!

 

I know I made my bed, lie in it... but might find comfort in other stories where you had to play hardball to get the MM to get lost!

[GoldieLox]

Why can't you just block their email addresses?

[deep_fried]

Done, but he knows where I live, and I can't block his landline phone for work related reasons.

 

Having someone show up at your door when you don't want them there is stressful, whether you let them in or not.

[Rainbowlove]

Done, but he knows where I live, and I can't block his landline phone for work related reasons.

 

Having someone show up at your door when you don't want them there is stressful, whether you let them in or not.

 

Call the police. Done deal.

[GoldieLox]

Call the police. Done deal.

 

I concur. And I do understand it's stressful and draining, believe me. If all else fails there's always restraining orders.

[Clay]

Restraining order.

[GirlStillStrong]

I had a similar experience with MM moving out (and in with me) and BS tracking him down. I chalk it up now to MM just trying the arrangement on for size. He went back because she just, completely understandably, would not leave him alone. It was really annoying (and pissed me off) that he was not done with her and answering every one of her texts and phone calls, which to me seemed constant.

 

His spouse doesn't have the major issues you speak of but one thing you and I have in common is MM bringing someone else's problems into our lives. I live an otherwise peaceful, predictable, serene life, and I like it that way. I can't believe I allowed someone to yet again introduce chaos and drama into my life.

 

You have to get to the point where you realize their problems are not your problems to solve for them and you have to actually fight this guy's continued attempts for you to save him. He's messing up your peace and serenity so it's really you against him here. once you get that, you'll be able to keep him out.

[Broom]

You've already let her know that he's contacted you. Doing it again and again doesn't really have much effect.

 

If she were really so hurt and offended, he would be out on the street. Instead, she is STILL with him (and vice versa) and he is simply trying to get you to be quiet.

 

Just block what you can and cut contact. Do not let him come back.

[DKT3]

Two issues I see here.

 

1) you have some how made this about you vs her or you and her when he is the problem. She didn't "lure" him back he simply went back. This may be hard for you to accept but for whatever reason he is where he wants to be. But he wouldn't mind still having you on the side.

 

2) you enjoy this drama on some level. If you really wanted to you could end all contact with team cra-cra (to quote my almost 12 year old daughter).

 

Why are you contacting her? What are your motives behind that? Surely its not to get her to dump him, is it? Honestly from the outside that's how it seems, the confession about the relationship, the continued contact with him, then telling her. Your clearly attempting to get her to end their marriage in the hope that he comes running back. So what you really want is him back with her out of the picture.

[GoldieLox]

So what you really want is him back with her out of the picture.

 

This. If you really want him to be gone for good, stop reinforcing it by continuously emailing the wife. Leave them both to their own devices and if need be get a RO.

[Rainbowlove]

I also wrote her a long email explaining why exactly he had started his EA with me (which eventually turned physical), and how if she did not address the root of the problem (criminal step-children) their relationship would fail with or without me on the scene. I know, I know - don't blame the "victim" - however there is no doubt he lost the lovin' feelin' due to the choices she made (again - criminal activity including house raid / arrests)

 

I'm sorry, but did you really think this was your place? You think you needed to tell his wife why they are having marital problems?

 

That's pretty darn ballsy on your part.

 

Gotta hand it to ya. If I were her, I would have kicked the bajesus out of you and spent the night in the can.

 

Do them a favor. Step out of their mess. I agree with DTK3. You are loving the drama and want her to hurt b/c you are mad he went back to her.

 

What do they say...negative attention is better than no attention?

Edited January 21, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[CALOVELY]

There are countless ways you could prevent him from contacting you, none of which it appears you have done. You seem to enjoy this, reporting back to his wife that he is reaching out to you. It is pretty disturbing that you do this to her, including that dig at her marriage and family issues. You have to make a decision to end this relationship once and for all or continue in it. Your half hearted attempts are not fooling anyone, including him.

[stillmind]

I get that you're upset you "lost" this prize of a man but lecturing his BS and continuing to contact her is nutty and weird. You got your chance to hurt her, great going, good work sticking it to her. If you actually want to be done with the drama block him, change your number, get an RO. How old are you?

[deep_fried]

Long time lurker but this is my first post..

 

... but it would be so nice if they would either both get lost, or he would tell her to get lost properly... the drama is so draining!

 

 

Yes, I would agree with the statement "what I really want is him back, with her out of the picture" and I did say this in my original post.

 

That is why I am hesitant to get the restraining order. But I might need to as the situation is too stressful (contacted me today, but at least didn't come to my house this morning so may be making progress).

 

If he were to go back to her, respect NC, give their relationship another real shot, live with her for 3 months or whatever... then move out on his own accord, exclusive of any pressure or input from me, but because he knows 100% that they don't have a future - then I would consider giving him another chance.

 

This is what I should have insisted on in the first place, but when the criminal activity on the part of her family was revealed, I was weak and let him live with me so he could get out of the situation in a hurry.

 

Why do I contact her? Because if I was her, and he was living in my house but still contacting AP that he swore he was NC with - I would want to know he was lying to me so I could decide what to do next. And, if someone told me exactly what made my partner stray - I would want to know that too, so I could see if it is fixable or hopeless. If she keeps blaming it all on me, there will just be another "me" along shortly, if she doesn't address the problems in their relationship.

 

But if the consensus is that this is just cruel, I will stop doing it.

[DKT3]

Yes, I would agree with the statement "what I really want is him back, with her out of the picture" and I did say this in my original post.

 

That is why I am hesitant to get the restraining order. But I might need to as the situation is too stressful (contacted me today, but at least didn't come to my house this morning so may be making progress).

 

If he were to go back to her, respect NC, give their relationship another real shot, live with her for 3 months or whatever... then move out on his own accord, exclusive of any pressure or input from me, but because he knows 100% that they don't have a future - then I would consider giving him another chance.

 

This is what I should have insisted on in the first place, but when the criminal activity on the part of her family was revealed, I was weak and let him live with me so he could get out of the situation in a hurry.

 

Why do I contact her? Because if I was her, and he was living in my house but still contacting AP that he swore he was NC with - I would want to know he was lying to me so I could decide what to do next. And, if someone told me exactly what made my partner stray - I would want to know that too, so I could see if it is fixable or hopeless. If she keeps blaming it all on me, there will just be another "me" along shortly, if she doesn't address the problems in their relationship.

 

But if the consensus is that this is just cruel, I will stop doing it.

 

But you don't know why he strayed, and you seem to really want to make this about her.

 

Besides your goal isn't making it better for her, its to get her to throw him out. So unless she is a moron she likely understands this and take your emails with a grain of sand.

[deep_fried]

But you don't know why he strayed, and you seem to really want to make this about her.

 

 

I don't know if I agree with this statement. EA started because he wanted to pour his frustrations out to someone - for several months, I heard all about why he was unhappy. So I do have a crystal clear idea of why he strayed. Even if it wasn't her "fault", AND he shouldn't have cheated, AND he should have left her properly if he wasn't happy etc. ..

 

I know this point of view is extremely unpopular with people who have been cheated on... but I do believe that affairs ARE about both partners - yes, he was wrong to cheat - but it IS about her.

 

If she wants it to work she needs to change the way she treats him and she has to deal with her family. If she doesn't do that - and he stays unhappy - and I am truly gone - he will just find someone else to start a new EA with and she will be back to square one.

[the_artist_1970]

I don't know if I agree with this statement. EA started because he wanted to pour his frustrations out to someone - for several months, I heard all about why he was unhappy. So I do have a crystal clear idea of why he strayed. Even if it wasn't her "fault", AND he shouldn't have cheated, AND he should have left her properly if he wasn't happy etc. ..

 

I know this point of view is extremely unpopular with people who have been cheated on... but I do believe that affairs ARE about both partners - yes, he was wrong to cheat - but it IS about her.

 

If she wants it to work she needs to change the way she treats him and she has to deal with her family. If she doesn't do that - and he stays unhappy - and I am truly gone - he will just find someone else to start a new EA with and she will be back to square one.

 

But the problem is that you have VERY poor boundaries with MM. If you stop allowing MM to "pour" their hearts out to you and strengthen your boundaries you won't have to endure the hurt of being the woman on the side. Besides, you don't know what part of his marital woes are true. You are only hearing it from one partner when their are two ppl involved. Yes, he will probably find someone else to cheat with because their are so many women out there who have no respect for marriage vows and neither do cheating MM.

[deep_fried]

But the problem is that you have VERY poor boundaries with MM. If you stop allowing MM to "pour" their hearts out to you and strengthen your boundaries you won't have to endure the hurt of being the woman on the side. Besides, you don't know what part of his marital woes are true. You are only hearing it from one partner when their are two ppl involved. Yes, he will probably find someone else to cheat with because their are so many women out there who have no respect for marriage vows and neither do cheating MM.

 

I agree 100% with the fact that I was a total idiot to get so close and start an EA with this person. I regret it every day. Will NEVER do it again.

 

Also should say - they are not married (they are both divorced), but have been living common-law for five years or so. (Not that this should make a difference really to his level of commitment...)

 

As in many cases, when we first became friends, I knew he was divorced - and thought he was single. Did not realize he was living common-law with another woman until I had already known him for about 6 weeks. And of course, when I did find out, he told me it was over with her... (heard this one before?)

 

Re: not sure if marital woes are true - yah, I wondered too if he was exaggerating since it seemed so over-the-top. Until the police raided her son's drug lab, and the family members all got arrested for drug manufacturing / trafficking. Trial pending. Fairly compelling evidence that he was telling the truth.

[anika99]

As a mother I can tell you that it is absolutely heartbreaking and soul crushing to see your children go astray. I thank God every day that when my kids were in their rebellious years they never got into any real trouble and they reached adulthood with clean records and no addictions or drug problems.

 

 

If this BW's child(ren) have become involved in serious drugs and criminal activity then she was already living a parents worse nightmare every single day and to have an OW write her a letter telling her everything that's wrong with her and her marriage while she is already going through hell with her children is outrageous. I know your MM has probably painted her as some horrible creature but please try to have some empathy for her. She may not be making the right choices regarding her children but in this kind of stress and drama she is probably doing the very best she knows how. I suspect that the MM wants her to toss her kid out on the street or eradicate him from their lives and she has understandably been reluctant to do this because it's her child and she wants to love and protect her children no matter what. Sometimes parents do have to kick the kids out of the nest for their own good but it's one of the hardest things they will ever face.

 

 

Instead of running to the BW to tattle on the MM every time he makes contact just tell him the next time he makes contact you will go to the police and have him charged with harassment and then block him from everything.

[Rainbowlove]

If she wants it to work she needs to change the way she treats him and she has to deal with her family. If she doesn't do that - and he stays unhappy - and I am truly gone - he will just find someone else to start a new EA with and she will be back to square one.

 

Again, none of your business.

 

Forget about what she has to do with her life and relationship (common law).

 

Focus on you. Focus on what you need to do to stay out of their life and put yourself on a healthy path.

 

You seriously took some wrong turns and that's what should bug you the most, not what she's done and why or whether or not they will make it.

 

Look inward, not outward.

[DKT3]

I don't know if I agree with this statement. EA started because he wanted to pour his frustrations out to someone - for several months, I heard all about why he was unhappy. So I do have a crystal clear idea of why he strayed. Even if it wasn't her "fault", AND he shouldn't have cheated, AND he should have left her properly if he wasn't happy etc. ..

 

I know this point of view is extremely unpopular with people who have been cheated on... but I do believe that affairs ARE about both partners - yes, he was wrong to cheat - but it IS about her.

 

If she wants it to work she needs to change the way she treats him and she has to deal with her family. If she doesn't do that - and he stays unhappy - and I am truly gone - he will just find someone else to start a new EA with and she will be back to square one.

 

Your making the assumption that his goal wasn't to bed you from the start. I don't have any numbers, but I would guess that MOST wayward spouses have sob stories about their marriages that they unload on the AP.

 

Unless she put his penis in you (sorry for the graphics) then she own 0% of his cheating. Sure she is responsible for at least half (if she is what you claim he claims she is) of the issues in the marriage. However issues with a couple is never solved by banging a third person.

 

Point of this is you asked how do you get him to respect NC. The answer is stop engaging them, stop trying to get her to throw him out, stop trying to think you know the REAL interworkings of their relationship. JUST STOP.

 

Of course you won't because you believe your fighting for a prize of a man and if you can simply get her out of the way everything would fall into place. Even if that happened. What do you have? A man that cheated on his wife with you, then cheated on you with his wife. Wow you won first prize.

[anika99]

Again, none of your business.

 

Forget about what she has to do with her life and relationship (common law).

 

Focus on you. Focus on what you need to do to stay out of their life and put yourself on a healthy path.

 

You seriously took some wrong turns and that's what should bug you the most, not what she's done and why or whether or not they will make it.

 

Look inward, not outward.

 

 

Agreed. OP you became involved in a toxic affair and you are still choosing to be involved by not blocking the MM and continuing to contact his BW. It's not your job to tell the BW what is wrong with her and her relationship. You have enough problems of your own to sort out. Focus on fixing yourself.

[jellybean89]

Your making the assumption that his goal wasn't to bed you from the start. I don't have any numbers, but I would guess that MOST wayward spouses have sob stories about their marriages that they unload on the AP.

 

Unless she put his penis in you (sorry for the graphics) then she own 0% of his cheating. Sure she is responsible for at least half (if she is what you claim he claims she is) of the issues in the marriage. However issues with a couple is never solved by banging a third person.

 

Point of this is you asked how do you get him to respect NC. The answer is stop engaging them, stop trying to get her to throw him out, stop trying to think you know the REAL interworkings of their relationship. JUST STOP.

 

Of course you won't because you believe your fighting for a prize of a man and if you can simply get her out of the way everything would fall into place. Even if that happened. What do you have? A man that cheated on his wife with you, then cheated on you with his wife. Wow you won first prize.

 

Agree completely.

 

And to reinforce something, the WIFE is in no way responsible for her spouse cheating. I know you want to think that, but it is inaccurate. With that line of thinking, I guess it is your fault he went back to his wife? You weren't doing what he must have wanted or weren't giving him what he needed. Sounds mucked up, doesn't it.

 

He's a lair and a cheat. He controls his behavior, you are responsible for your behavior and the wife controls her behavior.

 

If you really wanted him to stop contacting you, you would make it happen. Tell him to stop, tell him to leave you alone (two things I haven't read that you said) and if he shows up at your home, call the police.

[whichwayisup]

You say for work related reasons you can't block his home line, you can just block his cell number? Do you two work together?

[deep_fried]

Thanks everyone.

 

He tried to contact me several times today - He is totally stunned that I kicked him out - and doesn't understand why I won't forgive him and let him come back.

 

I read this thread over each time and was able to mind my own business and stay NC. It isn't easy though...and I am sure I will be back tomorrow to read again a few times as well. Keep the mean posts coming...

 

I will stay out of it... I will stay out of it..I will stay out of it...I will stay out of it..