bathtub-row Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure why everyone jumps on the "restraining order" wagon so quickly. The reason I say that is because I had a guy stalk me once. He called me constantly, left foul messages on my answering machine, and when I disconnected that, he began leaving messages on my voicemail at work. Then he did some other really creepy things. All of his actions, of course, were intended to intimidate me. It worked for about a week and then I got pissed off. My point is, when I spoke to police, they specifically told me that I could not file a restraining order on this guy. He had to directly threaten me or cause me physical harm. Unless the laws have changed, as far as I know, you can't file a restraining order for just any old reason. As far as the other stuff is concerned, I think you're going to need to start ignoring both the xMM and his wife and pretend they no longer exist. One thing I learned about the stalker guy is something a police officer told me. She said that these people just want your attention and they don't care if it's positive or negative attention. Just as long as they have your attention. So, she instructed me not to engage in any type of conversation with him at all. What she did instruct me to do was to send a letter (that someone at his company had to sign for) letting him know that I considered his behavior to be harassment, and stay away from me, my child, family and friends. And if he didn't, I would contact his employer, and I would file a lawsuit against him. Bing! He disappeared. The police officer said that even in the letter, to not be emotional, not to use "you" statements, etc. How this applies to you, even if xMM isn't a true stalker, is that you need to disengage fully from this situation. If nothing else, it gets him and her off your mental radar. And I'll just point out another thing, anyone with criminal stuff in their lives would be off my list without a backwards glance. I have zero tolerance for that nonsense. If you ended up with him, that stuff would haunt you at every turn. Edited January 23, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I know this point of view is extremely unpopular with people who have been cheated on... but I do believe that affairs ARE about both partners - yes, he was wrong to cheat - but it IS about her. This is true in many cases, except in the case of serial cheaters, or abusers (who like to cheat as retaliation). Most of the time, though, the person who cheats is the one who's in the most pain in the relationship. While I agree that an affair isn't a great way to deal with things, it often happens because the person who's hurting is emotionally wandering around blindly, feeling as though they're barely keeping their head above water, trying to stay but not sure why they're staying, not knowing which way to turn, and then -- boom! -- here comes someone who turns their world completely upside down! It's the perfect storm, so to speak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 He is totally stunned that I kicked him out - and doesn't understand why I won't forgive him and let him come back. So, does he think that you weren't equally stunned when he so coldly left you and went back to this previous relationship? I guess that was ok. And he can't understand why you aren't jumping up and down now that he has changed his mind once again. Yeah, it's really baffling. What a numbskull. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
secondchoice Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Hi, i thought i would respond as i have just posted something similar although i am on the other foot being the BS! My SO has been having an affair for the last 10 months and i am pretty sure that the AP thinks that i am holding onto my SO in some sort of way and that our relationship was really bad. To be honest it wasn't and if it were so bad then i would suspect that my SO would have left me to be with his AP 10 months ago rather than cake eating for the whole time, we have no children. I didn't sign up to be in an affair and i don't think it would be something i would ever want to get involved in myself, far to stressful and complicated. Because of this i have wanted to get out of the situation for sometime but despite my attempts, nearly everytime he has left has been down to me kicking him out, he just keeps calling me and coming round the house all the time. I have seen their messages and she does really think it is all on me and says things like why does she still want to be with you after the way you treat her. Fact is i don't, he just doesn't go away and the more and more i get on with my life the more he comes round. He stays round the house (my post explains the issues here) and lies to her about it, he comes to see me and lies about where he is. She thinks i am dilusional and won't accept our relationship is over lol. Its all on him. I must admit that originally i did enjoy getting her upset as a way of payback but to be honest it is in my best interest in terms of moving on if their relationship does work until he's signed the house over! maybe she does want him back, maybe she doesn't but the fact is that as OW and SO we spend too much time worrying about what eachother is doing rather than focussing on what the MM is doing. Fact, he lies, he cheats and we/you have let him carry on with another person for months/years so what is there stopping him from doing what he likes, your not going anywhere, you have already proved that! You are willing to take any **** he throws and you! I have seen the lovey dovey messages that my SO sends to his AP so i can imagine that you feel like you are in the best love ever and you want to fight for the thing you have waited so long for. If you are worried about him around her and if he carries on seeing her then maybe you need to take the bold step i have and maybe believe that you deserve better rather than seeing your MM with rose coloured spectacles. There are plenty of single men out there who will treat you with love and respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I'm not sure why everyone jumps on the "restraining order" wagon so quickly. The reason I say that is because I had a guy stalk me once. He called me constantly, left foul messages on my answering machine, and when I disconnected that, he began leaving messages on my voicemail at work. Then he did some other really creepy things. All of his actions, of course, were intended to intimidate me. It worked for about a week and then I got pissed off. My point is, when I spoke to police, they specifically told me that I could not file a restraining order on this guy. He had to directly threaten me or cause me physical harm. Unless the laws have changed, as far as I know, you can't file a restraining order for just any old reason. I don't think anyone believes anyone can just walk into a police station and file a police report. That's quite a leap. The reason I said she should file a restraining order is because she said he kept showing up at her home after she repeatedly told him not to. For THAT reason, you can file a restraining order. Or at the very least, a no trespassing order. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I don't think anyone believes anyone can just walk into a police station and file a police report. That's quite a leap. The reason I said she should file a restraining order is because she said he kept showing up at her home after she repeatedly told him not to. For THAT reason, you can file a restraining order. Or at the very least, a no trespassing order. Yeah, that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deep_fried Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Made it through the rest of the week without him coming to my house, which is good progress.. he still has contacted me daily but it is toning it down for sure. (To answer someone's question - We work in the same industry and I do have to be in contact with his company - so kind of hard to cut him off 100%. There is no reason that he *personally* needs to be in contact with me though - he can easily send work related correspondence through to someone else). I went on a date last night, and have another lined up for tonight - I think this is most important for my sanity, getting on with life. Although no sparks flying yet, just being out and having a nice time and a glass of wine with someone single/available is very motivational. Something will fall into place sooner or later. As a mother I can tell you that it is absolutely heartbreaking and soul crushing to see your children go astray. I thank God every day that when my kids were in their rebellious years they never got into any real trouble and they reached adulthood with clean records and no addictions or drug problems.... Anika, I read this and I am sure this is entirely true of her situation. It is not that I don't see that she is in a difficult position. Regardless, it is a pretty heavy load to put on someone you have only been with a few years, and who is not the biological parent of the children in question. I know couples who have split due to much less troubling problems with step-children. For him it was equally heartbreaking and soul crushing to think he had found a woman to spend the rest of his life with, only to find that he was totally incapable of having any impact on the terrible decisions she was making with respect to her children. He is incredibly frustrated and angry with her. This anger is what eroded their relationship - for her to think that just eradicating me from the picture will fix everything is nuts. But she can take a stab at it, I will let them hash it out. Actually, I guess if her son is out of their lives and in jail, things will improve. At least until he gets out and wants to come home... Wish me luck on my date tonight.. ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I do wish you luck on your date! I think it's a great idea for you to distract yourself from this toxic situation. Your MM is not a victim. He chose to marry a woman with children and he can choose to leave if that's what he wants to do. A real man would make a decision and commit to it rather than playing these games with everyone. He needs to get all the way into his marriage or get all the way out. He is the root cause of this situation but I get the feeling you blame his wife. A BW posted a great message on this thread last night regarding what the OW in her situation believes about verses the truth. I would bet a million dollars there is a similar situation going on here. Your MM is not the victim, he is the villain, but somehow he has both you and his wife snowed to believe that he is a poor helpless man completely incapable of making his own decisions. Regardless of your opinion you had no place in sending that letter to the BW. A lot of people are in unhealthy marriages. Do you think you have the right to give your two cents on everyone's marriage? Do you make it your job to get involved in every unhappy marriage you see? You have no more right to tell this BW what is wrong with her or her marriage than you have the right to do that to anyone else. You should be last person to offer your free advice to this BW because your concern is neither objective or altruistic. You want the woman's husband so why would she give any credence to anything you have to say? Their marriage may be toxic and unhealthy but you choosing to be involved with this man and his drama indicates that you may have your own issues. Work on your life and focus on yourself. The only person you have control over is you. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Also wanted to add that in earlier post you said that what you really want is to have the BW out of the picture and to have the MM to yourself. Above you said that if she thinks just eradicating you from the picture will fix her marriage she is nuts. Well I think the same goes for you. You are nuts if you think just getting the BW will fix your MM. As I said before he is the most toxic one in the bunch. Getting rid of his wife won't fix his lying cheating manipulative personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yeah, good luck on your date tonight. Have an affair with MM Kick MM out in rapid time Send marriage advice email to BW Go on two dates with another man in less than a week later... Priceless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deep_fried Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yeah, good luck on your date tonight. Have an affair with MM Kick MM out in rapid time Send marriage advice email to BW Go on two dates with another man in less than a week later... Priceless Actually it is two different men, Rainbowlove - please, give me credit for being a total whore! Thought about sitting home crying into Ben and Jerry's washed down with a bottle of wine, but thought this was more productive. Sorry if it disturbs you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Actually it is two different men, Rainbowlove - please, give me credit for being a total whore! Thought about sitting home crying into Ben and Jerry's washed down with a bottle of wine, but thought this was more productive. Sorry if it disturbs you. Yep, bring not one, but two more ppl into your mess. Perhaps wine and ice cream would be the wiser, healthier choice for you? But then that would take some introspective work. Better to just plow on to the next mistake. How about a pause button instead of running to the next guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi, i thought i would respond as i have just posted something similar although i am on the other foot being the BS! My SO has been having an affair for the last 10 months and i am pretty sure that the AP thinks that i am holding onto my SO in some sort of way and that our relationship was really bad. To be honest it wasn't and if it were so bad then i would suspect that my SO would have left me to be with his AP 10 months ago rather than cake eating for the whole time, we have no children. I didn't sign up to be in an affair and i don't think it would be something i would ever want to get involved in myself, far to stressful and complicated. Because of this i have wanted to get out of the situation for sometime but despite my attempts, nearly everytime he has left has been down to me kicking him out, he just keeps calling me and coming round the house all the time. I have seen their messages and she does really think it is all on me and says things like why does she still want to be with you after the way you treat her. Fact is i don't, he just doesn't go away and the more and more i get on with my life the more he comes round. He stays round the house (my post explains the issues here) and lies to her about it, he comes to see me and lies about where he is. She thinks i am dilusional and won't accept our relationship is over lol. Its all on him. I must admit that originally i did enjoy getting her upset as a way of payback but to be honest it is in my best interest in terms of moving on if their relationship does work until he's signed the house over! maybe she does want him back, maybe she doesn't but the fact is that as OW and SO we spend too much time worrying about what eachother is doing rather than focussing on what the MM is doing. Fact, he lies, he cheats and we/you have let him carry on with another person for months/years so what is there stopping him from doing what he likes, your not going anywhere, you have already proved that! You are willing to take any **** he throws and you! I have seen the lovey dovey messages that my SO sends to his AP so i can imagine that you feel like you are in the best love ever and you want to fight for the thing you have waited so long for. If you are worried about him around her and if he carries on seeing her then maybe you need to take the bold step i have and maybe believe that you deserve better rather than seeing your MM with rose coloured spectacles. There are plenty of single men out there who will treat you with love and respect. Same applies to you.... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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