Trying to cope with finding out my gf never truely loved me....

[crespa84]

Hi all, im new to this and as the sad title didnt put you off ill just start with my story....

 

15months ago I recieved a msg from a woman on a dating site. I had never been with a woman before so wasnt expecting much just friendship...but we grew close..talking everyday...her messaging me first almost everytime...on a second convo she said she couldnt stop thinking about me (must add one of the first things i ever told her when started talking was that i was going to Australia for 6months in a years time)....she told me about herself...her music she made and that she had a 14yr old son. I dont know exactly what she did but i fell hook, line and sinker....2 weeks before we met couldnt stop thinking about her...she said the same...and so we met up...had a wonderful date...apart from a couple of odd moments which THEN i put down to drink. By the end of the date i had fallen for her more and out of the blue she asked me to be her gf...and so i agreed....looking back now i think it was too fast...but it felt right. The first 2 months were amazing...i was so happy to have found her or her me as it goes....she was funny...complimentary, no one had ever been that nice to me or treated me so well before (manorwoman) and the sex was amazing....so i just thought "how lucky am i".

 

Things went strange just over 2months in when she met some of my friends and family. We met at my place and she even brought food to make us all...we drank, laughed and had a good time. By this point she had told me she loved me a couple of weeks before and as i had never said it to anyone before i needed to be certain before i did. That night i was going to say it...so when we went to bed i did..after a few deep breaths.

..and thats when it went weird...she got up paced about and starting crying how she cant do this...."im going away and ill just hurt her"...."it'll never work" and this went in for over 3hrs until i could calm her down and convince her that i loved her and wanted only her.

She apologised profusely and we fell asleep. Next morning all was fine....but sadly this was the pattern after...for the next few months she'd get sad (mainly when she drunk) angry and dump me and id have to beg her to rethink her decision...and id always convince her....she told me when we met she was a muscian but throughout our relationship she never worked....she'd cook...clean...i was never allowed to...if i moved to even get a glass of water when i was at hers she wouldn't be happy...we were together all the time..we even talked about marriage (which for me was big big deal) then 6months in i had to leave my flat and she suggested i move in with her and as i loved her and we were mostly always together i agreed...even though again deep down i thought it was too fast....at first it was lovely....but then the arguements started...she'd always talk about her exes..especially the last one before me...who was abusive towards her but still she'd go on about her...and as i had no real past relationships i had nothing to say back and so would just listen....we began to argue often and each time she'd dump me...wouldnt look at me or touch me...id be crying my eyes out but it made no difference...i had to apologise and apologise (for what i dont know) but i did it all the same...and in the end she'd hug me...apologise and say she loved me and that im too good for her....but still the pattern continued. I got us a new place...paid deposit...stressed looking for it whilst still working...most things we moved in were mine...but a thank you was never said....she would just act ashamed and sad that she couldnt provide...but still she did nothing.

From september last year it all got even worse...arguments were more louder...(mainly cos i wouldnt pander as much) she'd say i was lazy and treated her like a slave...even though whenever i did she'd complain. I knew things werent right...before i met her i was the happiest i had even been....but now i cried alone...on the way to work...in the shower...trying to understand who she wanted ME to be...cos i could see i wasn't enough even if she said different.

Everything became my fault....when her friends let her down id get the brunt..."being called a thick cunt" "stupid dickhead" in front of her friends and others i didnt know was almost the last straw...after swearing and making a scene she stormed off leaving me and her son to follow her...and when we took too long again i was blamed...writing it all out now I should have walked away there and then....but the love and the way she was when she was nice kept me...i just couldnt leave and i thought it was cos i was sure she needed me but when in reality she had been breaking me down. I always try to think of other excuses...the main one being i was going to oz (now for 4/5 months - for her i might add) so i convinced myself that when i got back we'd start a new and she'd be happier. I left for oz end of december just gone...and the amount of arguements we had almost broke me...and it always happened at the end of the nite when it was mainly just me and her...on my bday (2nd nov)....bonfire night (5th nov in case u didnt know)...when we went away to see MY friends in a place she'd never been that same month...she stormed off for hrs..just to keep texting me how horrible i am and that shes had enough...and again i chased her...looked for her...found her just to be shut down again....xmas eve...xmas day....the day before i left for OZ was lovely...i was going to miss her terribly and she said she would too...she said we'd talk everyday.."we'd work it out, please just enjoy yourself."

 

Now just 3 weeks into this trip shes dumped me for the 10th time. My first week here all she could msg me was that she couldnt eat or sleep...and me being away was killing her. (she dumped me then too)...i never knew what to say apart from i miss you too...cos tbh even though i missed her i could eat AND sleep...i was just sad cos she was. 2 days after this she tells me she doesnt want to talk to me everyday and im being selfish making her...its hurting her too much and as i chose to go away so i should just have to deal with it!...so i would wait for her to msg me but when i didnt msg her the next morning she got angry and said "she wakes up to nothing...cheers" i tried to reason..."this was your choice" but no...i had to reassure i had to calm her down...and how this has (i think) finally ended...all because I took 5mins too long to get bak to her.....that was last friday and she hasnt said a kind word since...she even messaged my mother to tell her she had dumped me before even telling me!! Talking about other girls already...others are saying she is only doing that to hurt me...but i cant understand why...and maybe i never will....ive also found out shes said i would never leave her alone...always calling her moaning....couldnt believe it...couldnt eat or sleep for 3days...but then realised the 4th day i was making myself ill and i cant afford to do that to myself..told her this and she couldnt care less....im starting to eat and sleep sorta and despite all her crap shes still all i can think about! Looking back now and reading what ive just wrote has opened my eyes to the fact she had been emotionally abusing me for months....my family and others have said you cant blame yourself those ppl are clever....but i still feel angry and so hurt...im a strong woman and i cant believe i let her deceive me for so long and im so hurt that she doesnt seem to care at all she's broken my heart...she's apologised for it once....if you call "oh and im sorry for hurting you i never wanted that...i wish you the best" and apology...I wish she hadnt said nothing....its like we were just aquaintances....now im trying to keep busy...but as soon as im not she's all i think about yet she treated me so bad....Can anyone else relate? Or tell me if there are things i can do....or is it just time...?

 

But Whoever you are thank you for reading...didnt mean to ramble x

[lost1975]

This is a difficult situation your in. I'm sad for you and the mental abuse you went through. It's difficult to see it as you are so deeply involved making them happy and doing everything you can to maintain a sense of normalcy. I pray you find solace knowing it wasn't you or anything you did. I hope you find happiness in yourself and God.

[anika99]

Your gf sounds very mentally unhealthy and possibly personality disordered. Look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if it fits her. In any case she probably loves/loved you as much as she is capable of loving anyone, but her kind of love is selfish, needy, immature, controlling and manipulative. I don't think she was actively trying to deceive you, I think her mind is twisted and she probably earnestly believed everything she ever said at the moment she said it but she is emotionally and mentally unstable so her thoughts and feelings are constantly shifting and her moods are all over the place. I say this so that you can stop feeling like a fool for believing she loved you. She did love you in a very screwed up and sick way. She has probably destroyed every relationship she has ever had and it is very sad for her because until she gets several years of therapy she will continue to act in this destructive manner.

 

 

I know you are very lost and hurt right now. I had a similar relationship with a man. Started out with him being the most charming sensitive caring man I had ever met in my life. He made me feel like everything about me was absolutely perfect and I truly thought he was absolutely perfect as well. Spent the first 6-8 months on cloud nine while we spent every minute together talking, laughing, making love, just passing the time. I couldn't believe my good fortune and actually started thinking of him as my soul mate even though I had never believed in soul mates before and I used to scoff at people who did. The first 6 months I spent with him were the happiest days of my life, but it was a mirage,because he was mentally unstable and he was hiding it from me. I was falling in love with the man he was trying to be not the man he was.

 

 

It started when he became really needy and whiny. I had a difficult time just getting time to spend with my son. As soon as I had something to do that didn't include him he would become needy and start saying I was going to dump him. I would spend forever trying to explain over and over again that I just needed to get something done and it had nothing to do with him or my feelings for him. It was ridiculous. He was 38 yrs old for petes sake. Then came the sudden unexpected rages that came out of left field and hit me like a ton of bricks. One day he would be telling me how happy he was to be with me, how wonderful our relationship was and how he wanted to spend his whole life with me. The next day he would be calling me a c*nt, a worthless wh*re, a bi*ch, and every other nasty name you could think of and I hadn't even done anything! He would just start accusing me of things he was making up in his head. Telling me I was using him, I was cheating on him, I couldn't be trusted, I was selfish and never thought of anyone but myself. It was crazy and like you I would spend forever apologizing for whatever imagined wrongs he thought I had committed and convincing him that I loved him and wasn't leaving.

 

 

Then he started dumping me and that also happened out of the blue. I never understood what he was freaking out about. Sometimes he would break up with me for a day and sometimes it would be weeks before he would talk to me. He was always absolutely convinced that I had wronged him in some way and while in that state of mind he walked away from me coldly and easily while I was always lost and crushed. Looking back it was insane of me to keep trying to save our relationship but I had been hooked and reeled in by those first 6 months and I couldn't stop believing in the man I had first fallen in love with. He was still that amazing man sometimes but mixed in with mr wonderful was mr mental case and somehow I was sure if I tried hard enough and did things the right way I could get mr wonderful all the time and make mr mental case disappear. I was delusional. It was never about me. He had all these issues long before I ever came along. He had emotionally destroyed several women before me (yeah I ended up talking to some of his exes and they all had the exact same experiences with him) and he went on to hurt some woman after me because he wasn't mentally or emotionally capable of really loving a woman, but I believe that he believed he loved me. I believe he loved his exwife and his exgf's in his own mentally sick way.

 

 

Sorry about the long story but I just wanted to illustrate why you shouldn't get so hung up on feeling like your ex never loved you. It wasn't personal. She's not capable of loving someone. Whatever love feels like to her is probably what she felt when she told you she loved you but her love isn't good for people. It's needy and self serving. If you found out that she totally and whole heartedly loved you from the bottom of her heart it wouldn't change the situation or the hopelessness of the relationship. She needs serious therapy and possibly meds. She can't be a good relationship partner right now and she may never be able to be a good partner. She simply doesn't have emotional maturity or coping skills to have a lasting relationship. You have to accept this. This is the reality. She can't be the person you want her to be. Once you fully get that and it sinks in you will be able to heal and recover.