Ordinaryday Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I used to be dying for an apology from the dumper, in the early post-breakup stages I used to wait for the moment I would get a text or email from her saying she realises how mean and wrong she was and wants me to forgive her. I thought this would bring me closure. I then got a letter once from the dumper and it did nothing for me. they said in it they realised they were wrong for treating me that way, hoped that I forgave them and that I was okay, and they said they hoped we could be friends one day. I didnt respond and the letter just annoyed me. I realised that it didnt change what happened or how hurt I had been - I was still dumped, they still didnt want to be with me, all that had changed was that were feeling guilty and wanted me to forgive them with a two line email letting them know there were no hard feelings. I now realise that closure after a breakup comes from within, and you cant give someone else closure by apologising or something, they have to get the closure for themselves. now I honestly just hope to never hear from the dumpers again. they are a part of my past and I am moving forward, I dont want an apology, I just never want to hear from them again. so would you want an apology from your dumper? how would you take it? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
crazybestie101 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I used to be dying for an apology from the dumper, in the early post-breakup stages I used to wait for the moment I would get a text or email from her saying she realises how mean and wrong she was and wants me to forgive her. I thought this would bring me closure. I then got a letter once from the dumper and it did nothing for me. they said in it they realised they were wrong for treating me that way, hoped that I forgave them and that I was okay, and they said they hoped we could be friends one day. I didnt respond and the letter just annoyed me. I realised that it didnt change what happened or how hurt I had been - I was still dumped, they still didnt want to be with me, all that had changed was that were feeling guilty and wanted me to forgive them with a two line email letting them know there were no hard feelings. I now realise that closure after a breakup comes from within, and you cant give someone else closure by apologising or something, they have to get the closure for themselves. now I honestly just hope to never hear from the dumpers again. they are a part of my past and I am moving forward, I dont want an apology, I just never want to hear from them again. so would you want an apology from your dumper? how would you take it? May be may be not.. There are days i would think when it is going to happen that he would send me email saying sorry.. I do feel that. But honestly he doesn't deserve any forgiveness and i have nothing to do with him. all this is going no where. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I used to be dying for an apology from the dumper, in the early post-breakup stages I used to wait for the moment I would get a text or email from her saying she realises how mean and wrong she was and wants me to forgive her. I thought this would bring me closure. I then got a letter once from the dumper and it did nothing for me. they said in it they realised they were wrong for treating me that way, hoped that I forgave them and that I was okay, and they said they hoped we could be friends one day. I didnt respond and the letter just annoyed me. I realised that it didnt change what happened or how hurt I had been - I was still dumped, they still didnt want to be with me, all that had changed was that were feeling guilty and wanted me to forgive them with a two line email letting them know there were no hard feelings. I now realise that closure after a breakup comes from within, and you cant give someone else closure by apologising or something, they have to get the closure for themselves. now I honestly just hope to never hear from the dumpers again. they are a part of my past and I am moving forward, I dont want an apology, I just never want to hear from them again. so would you want an apology from your dumper? how would you take it? I never thought I wanted an apology. He ended our engagement to be with another woman and I moved on with my life hardly giving him or it a thought. 15 years or so later I ran in to my former fiance and he said how deeply sorry he was for hurting me. I was quite surprised how much that meant to me. Perhaps without even realizing it I had been carrying a small part of pain within me over never getting the apology I felt I deserved. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 I never thought I wanted an apology. He ended our engagement to be with another woman and I moved on with my life hardly giving him or it a thought. 15 years or so later I ran in to my former fiance and he said how deeply sorry he was for hurting me. I was quite surprised how much that meant to me. Perhaps without even realizing it I had been carrying a small part of pain within me over never getting the apology I felt I deserved. it really depends from where the apology is coming from. if they are apologising cos they are truly sorry for hurting you and want your forgiveness, that is a completely different type of apology to them just wanting to ease their guilt which is completely different to them wanting to manipulate themselves back into your life to them wanting to start an argument by superficially apologising for what they did but then blaming you for 'making' them behave that way and so on 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigtrouble Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Hmmm... Yes, I would want one, if still fresh from BU I would feed her guilt... Make her feel what she did was unforgivable and she has to live with it... All her cheating and lying and making me look the bad guy... If I moved on, I would be indifferent and simply won't care... They can send me emails everyday or text and it will just be ignored... I will have the satisfaction she constantly struggle in every relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 it really depends from where the apology is coming from. if they are apologising cos they are truly sorry for hurting you and want your forgiveness, that is a completely different type of apology to them just wanting to ease their guilt which is completely different to them wanting to manipulate themselves back into your life to them wanting to start an argument by superficially apologising for what they did but then blaming you for 'making' them behave that way and so on Absolutely. In my case, I believe his apology was sincere and had nothing to do with wanting back in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Yes, yes, I think about it every day. I was treated so badly by the one I trusted the most. An apology would mean a lot to me I think. Sure, it might make the healing process even longer, but they I'm feeling now is affecting my entire life. I feel like someone who people use for how long as they please and then throw away without remorse. This completely ruins the joy of meeting new people - and sadly made me more popular. Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Unfortunately a simple sorry doesn't cut it for me, it doesn't take away all the pain they have caused. The flood gates have opened and I'm left to deal with the mess regardless of whether they apologize or not. How about don't do anything to be sorry for in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I do want an apology. And much more. I want an explanation, an apology, the whole shebang. After so long she just threw me away like yesterday's trash and never contacted me again. My last memory of her is of what can only be described as 'escaping' out my front door. Like I needed to be 'escaped' from 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I wanted one soooo badly in the beginning. By the time I finally got one... a sincere one, admitting all the things I figured out and made peace with on my own... I was annoyed and frustrated. I had an ironic laugh to myself, because had the apology come two months earlier, it was everything I thought would have been the perfect validation. External validation does nothing, though. I had already found my validation on the inside. After reading the email, I literally yelled, "YOU DUMB BASTARD!" about eight times. It brought no relief, no comfort, not even anger... just headshaking and facepalming. Like the epic Captain Picard double facepalm. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Does an apology *during* the breakup conversation count as a real apology? I think the "I'm sorry" came because she saw how hurt I was by what was happening, and it was just something you say when you're in the process of hurting someone. I'm not sure that counts as a legit apology? Link to post Share on other sites
Hija77 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 When my ex came back, all he did was apologize. He apologized for things I never thought he'd even noticed...turns out it was all garbage. Sooooooooo, NOPE, I wouldn't want another apology from an ex. All I got were lies he used to get back in my good graces so that he could leave again. Ha! Be careful what you wish for! Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Silence... the final frontier )) Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I've gotten a few from various exes. The ones who were genuine went on to maintain a cordial, platonic "friendship" with me. A couple had engaged in such despicable acts while we were together that, while I accepted their apologies, I didn't want to hear from them again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I used to be dying for an apology from the dumper, in the early post-breakup stages I used to wait for the moment I would get a text or email from her saying she realises how mean and wrong she was and wants me to forgive her. I thought this would bring me closure. I then got a letter once from the dumper and it did nothing for me. they said in it they realised they were wrong for treating me that way, hoped that I forgave them and that I was okay, and they said they hoped we could be friends one day. I didnt respond and the letter just annoyed me. I realised that it didnt change what happened or how hurt I had been - I was still dumped, they still didnt want to be with me, all that had changed was that were feeling guilty and wanted me to forgive them with a two line email letting them know there were no hard feelings. I now realise that closure after a breakup comes from within, and you cant give someone else closure by apologising or something, they have to get the closure for themselves. now I honestly just hope to never hear from the dumpers again. they are a part of my past and I am moving forward, I dont want an apology, I just never want to hear from them again. so would you want an apology from your dumper? how would you take it? That was pretty much my experience. All the apologies in the world are not going to make what he did go away. My ex apologizes any chance he gets and all it does is irritate me. Ok, you're sorry... ...and? :crickets: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pier Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Op It sounds like you were dismayed not cause of the letter but because of the motive behind the letter. She was focused on herself,not your feelings. Thats why you were annoyed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mif Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I got an apology from my dumper, about 4 weeks post breakup. I can't say it helped at all. In fact, it made me furious. I replied immediately and told him 'i don't want your sorry's J, I want to take back everything I gave to you under false pretences and I wish I had never dated you at all'. To which he just replied 'ok'. 4 days later and I messaged him to ask if he was ok after what I had said. He just said 'i'm fine.' We went from best friends to NC/strangers at this time. I am ashamed of my outburst and for showing him how much he hurt me. My endless pursuit for closure just hurt me more. I still love him, but I am no longer in love with him. I wish we had ended on better terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I would never grant her forgiveness. Okay, she is sorry, and....? What is in it for me? Her typical selfish behavior. I'm not a God to ease other people guilt. She has to live without my validation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I am not interested in an apology, they did what was right for them and their children in their mind. Apology doesnt change anything for me. I do believe in Karma though and I hope that one day she has a couple of crappy relationships whilst I meet the woman of my dreams.........sigh 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostInLosingLove Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I would accept an apology if it was well thought out, genuine and for the right reasons. What you got? No. That would annoy the hell out of me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 You will at first but it will go away with time, I'm 4 and a half months post BU now and I couldn't care less. Rather not hear from her at all to be honest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I think I would have wanted something along the lines of an acknowledgement that he put me through hell. Not exactly an apology. I honestly don't think it would matter, and I would never have wanted one while I was grieving. But now that we see each other at work, I think some sort of acknowledgement of what he caused might have gone a long way in building some kind of bridge to less chilly work interactions. Then again, it probably doesn't matter at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JFReyes Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 After 1 1/2 years post BU of a 10 year relationship, I still want an apology from her although I don't know how I'll feel if/when I get it. Only time will tell... Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I don't know what would I do with one to start with? What else she can offer in the first place that I can accept? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts