girlfriend still talks to ex

[greaterdevil]

hi all. thanks for reading--made an account specifically to ask this question. been dating this woman for about eight months and she is the love of my life. i an 28 and she is 24. she was a coworkers little sister and i met her hanging out with him. i was in a relationship at the time but i ended it within a few days of the first time she texted me after getting my number from her brother.

 

she has literally changed my life. i felt for the very first time in my life like i had met "the one." I feel for her in a way that would have used to make me feel cynical when i saw other people acting in this manner. i never have been the type to really commit and to be vulnerable. i was cheated on in the past in several relationships and i guess for the last five or six years I haven't been willing to open myself up.

 

but she changed all that. since the day i told her i had feelings for her and had broken up with my ex girlfriend, she started staying the night with me at my condo and we just started living together. before i never liked my girlfriends to stay over more than a few nights a week; i needed space. but living with her is effortless and wonderful and the few times she has gone on vacation or stayed out of town i have missed her and been excited for her to get back. i stopped being very interested in sex in my mid twenties, being satisfied with once or twice a week and more feeling like a chore. but sex with her has reinvented sex for me. she is a goddess.

 

we share values and interests and i find almost everything about her so attractive. she is mature, kind, and wise. there are many times where i feel humbles by her compassion for people who seem undeserving of sympathy.

 

in short she is the most amazing woman ive ever known and i truly feel like ive won some sort of cosmic lottery to have met her and to have her feel so attracted to me.

 

part two:

 

when we met her dad had just died of cancer and she was about two months out of a five + year relationship that had ended somewhat amicably, but she had been the instigator of ending it.

 

i knew that they were friends on facebook and that they still talked and always just appreciated her honesty. there was one time while driving together where i was using her phone for gps and a text message from him popped up, something fun and conversational. i was upset because we had gotten in a fight that day and it hurt me to think that the moment wr fought she had gone texting her ex. she apologized and said she had just seen something on Facebook that made her think of him so she had texted him.

 

she reassured me that she loved me completely and she was so sure of her love for me that it just seemed inconsequential to text this guy who had never really been "right" for her but had stayed together out of convenience and of course were friends after five years, three of those living together.

 

her mom also still loves the ex; she invited him over to spend the night wth her amd spend the day with her. then recently she even wanted to invite him over for christmas (my gf drew a line there which i appreciated) but then her mom went and visited him and even took him shopping and then took him over to her brother and sister in laws house to meet them (he hadnt met them before because they hd lived overseas during his relationship with my gf.) this bothered me because it seemed pretty disrespectful to me (she also didnt tell my gf that she had done all this--she found out from him, but honestly ad long as her mom likes me and knows that she and i are together i dont really care.

 

so last month her ex's dad passed away and of course she was in very close contact with him then. it was weird because i was both sad for him and my gf while still being a little jealous and also to top it off felt ashamed of myself for feeling jealous. one of the things i love so much about her is her kindness and desire to confort those in pain, but i just feel like in the interedt of outlr relationship it would be better for everyone if she wasnt one of his main pillars of support.

 

i am getting to the point though where i start to feel a little jealous whenever i am cooking dinner for us or doing something around the condo while she is on her phone or my laptop because I think she is talikng to him. every time she is on facebook in front of me (like on ny laptop while we are watching tv together and i can see the screen, not from snooping its just there) he is at the top of her favorites list which meand they have been talking recently.

 

today i opened up facebook on my laptop and clicked on the new message notification before realizing i was logged into her account (we have the same profile pic right now) of course the most recent message was from him, from yesterday. i didnt read it because i really do trust her and i do t want to do that in this relationship although i did in the past twice with different girlfriends and found out that both were cheating on me.

 

man. just while writing this i feel like I've answered my own question. i think that ill just let it go. i talk to one of my few exes who im still friends with, although only about once every other month and only to say how are you or im good and she knows that i am with the woman i want to marry. in fact usually she is what we talk about lol.

 

even though I don't understand or like the relationship that they have i feel like my fears are largely based in being burned in the past and she deserves my trust for now. but i am also worried that if i sm unable to let go of the jealousy thst if she continues the relationship then it could give us problems too.

 

thanks for reading if you made it this far and let me know of you have any words of advice or similar experience that might be helpful.

 

have a great day

 

ps sorry about typos have been using my phone

[Rko28]

If she's willing to leave the laptop about and have messages to him on there then I'd be inclined to think there's nothing untoward going on.

 

Are you 2 official? Does her ex know about you?

[greaterdevil]

We are official, and I assume that he knows about me. you're right. i think I should just let it go. even though she doesnt tell me every time they talk, she doesn't hide it or lie to me that i know of. i trust her, and need to remember that. thank you for the response.

[Rko28]

I had it with my ex, she was with her ex for 6 years.

 

They still chatted occasionally, he seemed to instigate it all. She, like your gf, wouldn't say when they talked.

 

One night she passed out holding her phone, I could see a text from him begging for her to meet him, her response was no, I'm happy with me and no intention of ruining it.

 

If you 2 are out there officially then I reckon you have nothing to worry about but if you're concerned then tell her

[lolablue17]

You said you trust her, so trust her.

But i think you're jealous not because you think she'll cheat with him, but you don't want her to be in any contact with him. You don't like her to think about him, chat with him, laugh with him.

 

So you can ask her to reduce contact.

 

I've written a response here on LS about a similar thing i had years ago with my GF (now my wife). I trusted her but i hated her "friends" who happened to be her Ex's.

 

I have never asked her literally to stop contacting them and one of them was her best friend. But every time she talked with one of them i was so jealous and was grumpy for days. She finally understood that her contacts with her Ex's sabotage our R and she loved me so she made her choice (to cut all contact with every one of them).

 

But in my case she was also very jealous about my ex. so it was mutual.

[Bellaisa]

Before the last part about the typos, I was going to say - How can you be so articulate and not capitalize the first word in your sentences.

 

Anywase, that's not important.

 

It's human nature to be a little jealous. You knew about the ex going on, she hasn't given you any reason to distrust her with the situation, and she sounds like a great girl. I would keep going without fear until or unless she gives you a reason to be upset about it.

[Photofinish]

 

 

her mom also still loves the ex; she invited him over to spend the night wth her amd spend the day with her. then recently she even wanted to invite him over for christmas (my gf drew a line there which i appreciated) but then her mom went and visited him and even took him shopping and then took him over to her brother and sister in laws house to meet them (he hadnt met them before because they hd lived overseas during his relationship with my gf.) this bothered me because it seemed pretty disrespectful to me (she also didnt tell my gf that she had done all this--she found out from him, but honestly ad long as her mom likes me and knows that she and i are together i dont really care.

 

 

That's really weird... Her mom spends time with her daughter's ex boyfriend and has him spend the night...?

[Spectre]

Wait, this girls ex boyfriend is still spending time with her mother? And spending the night and stuff? Yeah, no wonder there is a problem. That is...weird. To the point of inviting him to Christmas? That is messed up that she even wanted to do that. Though that is the mother not the girl you are dating, but still this situation seems weird.

 

I'd honestly just tell your GF to stop talking to ex's. The guy is an ex for a reason, he doesn't need to be a part of her life. This doesn't seem like normal jealously, it almost seems like the mother wants to try to get her daughter back with this other guy. This whole situation is fishy.

 

Basically I think you are treading on dangerous waters and the only way this relationship is going to work is if she cuts off contact with the ex.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Spectre

[greaterdevil]

thanks for all your responses. yeah her mom is a character for sure but I think part of it it having recently lost her husband. she is still completely self-absorbed in her grief to the point that she isn't necessarily thinking about what's best for her daughter.

 

i think part of her attachment to the ex is that he was the boyfriend who knew dad, where I (sadly) never did. and i understand the comment about maybe her wanting them to get back together, but I don't think that's it, at least not consciously. i think it is more her having an attachment to him and not wanting that part of her life to be over. it is sad.

 

thanks again for all responses.

[Spectre]

It's a sad situation, but she is going to mess up her daughters relationships if she keeps it up, and the daughter herself needs the ex out of her life merely because it's an ex. If the ex now is also reminding the mother of the dead husband that is all the more reason for him to be out of their lives.

[NoC]

This is not acceptable of her to keep in contact with her ex. Ex's cannot be friends unless after spending a long time in North Carolina (see sig). They haven't been broken up for too long, so I would strongly advise you to tell her to stop communicating with him or else it's a dealbreaker for you.

[greaterdevil]

hi all. i've been reading a lot of old threads on here and man are some of them cliffhangers!

 

so i figured i'd leave a little update.

 

last sunday we were going to this cat show that she really wanted to go to and I told her on the drive that it bothered me that she still talked to her ex, that it made me feel insecure in the relationship to have her still be so close to someone she dated for five years, lived with, and who is the only man other than me she has ever loved.

 

she got upset. she cried, she felt sad that i felt insecure about our relationship. but she got a little irritated too and said she would cut him out of her life. but the way she said it showed that she didnt think it was fair so i guess I kinda backpedaled.

 

i said "you don't have to cut him out of your life completely but i don't like how he's so often at the top of your facebook chat. she said that she had talked to him a couple days ago but only because her mom had wanted to offer him a ride somewhere (he doesnt have a car or drive).

 

I didn't like feeling jealous and i decided I needed to be okay with this so i told her that you can talk whenever you want, but please promise to tell me every day that you talk with him.

 

she agreed and she didnt make me feel crazy or controlling about it. she knows that i have been cheated on and was understanding.

 

fast forward to this weekend. her ex's dad's memorial is tomorrow and her mom is going. her and mom went to a concert out of town tonight and i felt bad that they would have to drive all the way back to where we live so that her mom could go to the memorial solo. also i dont want her or her mom to resent me. so i texted her and told her hey of you feel like it's important to go to billy bob's memorial than i will try and be understanding even though i dont like it.

 

she immediately said she did want to go but was worried it might her her ex to see her there but that she would ask him.

 

im kinda pisses at myself at this point because... now i am questioning the relationship (ours) for the first time. when i posted originally this it was majorly bugging me but now... after she knows how i feel about it it seems like she is still as equally concerned with her ex's feelings as she is mine. and the worst part is is that i put myself in this situation by telling her i was okay with it.

[NoC]

hi all. i've been reading a lot of old threads on here and man are some of them cliffhangers!

 

so i figured i'd leave a little update.

 

last sunday we were going to this cat show that she really wanted to go to and I told her on the drive that it bothered me that she still talked to her ex, that it made me feel insecure in the relationship to have her still be so close to someone she dated for five years, lived with, and who is the only man other than me she has ever loved.

 

she got upset. she cried, she felt sad that i felt insecure about our relationship. but she got a little irritated too and said she would cut him out of her life. but the way she said it showed that she didnt think it was fair so i guess I kinda backpedaled.

 

i said "you don't have to cut him out of your life completely but i don't like how he's so often at the top of your facebook chat. she said that she had talked to him a couple days ago but only because her mom had wanted to offer him a ride somewhere (he doesnt have a car or drive).

 

I didn't like feeling jealous and i decided I needed to be okay with this so i told her that you can talk whenever you want, but please promise to tell me every day that you talk with him.

 

she agreed and she didnt make me feel crazy or controlling about it. she knows that i have been cheated on and was understanding.

 

fast forward to this weekend. her ex's dad's memorial is tomorrow and her mom is going. her and mom went to a concert out of town tonight and i felt bad that they would have to drive all the way back to where we live so that her mom could go to the memorial solo. also i dont want her or her mom to resent me. so i texted her and told her hey of you feel like it's important to go to billy bob's memorial than i will try and be understanding even though i dont like it.

 

she immediately said she did want to go but was worried it might her her ex to see her there but that she would ask him.

 

im kinda pisses at myself at this point because... now i am questioning the relationship (ours) for the first time. when i posted originally this it was majorly bugging me but now... after she knows how i feel about it it seems like she is still as equally concerned with her ex's feelings as she is mine. and the worst part is is that i put myself in this situation by telling her i was okay with it.

 

Sorry if this sounds rude, but that was very beta of you. Luckily for you it's very obvious now how invested she still is in her ex. You need to end it with her and cut contact immediately. It's only a matter of time before she disrespects you in other ways if you continue this relationship. Can't believe she got sooky just because you wanted her to cut contact with her ex, if that's not an indicator of how invested she still is then I don't know what will. It's your choice, but I honestly don't see this relationship lasting long, or at least happily lasting. Good luck.

[Spectre]

Yep there are too many red flags man. You asking her to not talk to this other dude shouldn't bother her, and she definitely shouldn't be just as worried about this guys feelings as she is is yours.

 

If you want to stay with this girl I think you need to be tough and firm. Tell her there will be no contact, it doesn't matter who dies in the future, etc. whatever happens in this other guys life he will have to deal with it without her support. That should NOT be a big deal for either of them, if it is, run! Also make sure you make it clear how uncomfortable you are that it bothers her so much that she has to cut him out of her life..to the point where she cries and gets irritated with you. I would honestly say if this guy is so important to her she should just be with him instead..and then see how she responds.

[lolablue17]

im kinda pisses at myself at this point because... now i am questioning the relationship (ours) for the first time. when i posted originally this it was majorly bugging me but now... after she knows how i feel about it it seems like she is still as equally concerned with her ex's feelings as she is mine. and the worst part is is that i put myself in this situation by telling her i was okay with it.

 

Please relax...

I think you've handled it very well. The results will come, but don't expect it to be immediately.

 

You did great, because now when she reduces contact with him (my guess is that she will cut him completely eventually), it will be by her own will and not as a demand by you. It's good that you said that you're OK with it.

 

Give her a little time to adopt this new situation. She is confused by your wills, and doesn't know exactly what to do... allow her to be confused, and even making some mistakes... It would be worth to you.

 

Of course there is a chance that she will continue with him like before and then you can come and tell her that she's taking advantage of your understanding and good will. But wait... That moment may never come.

[The Lonely Angel]

Keep us updated bro what's happened between you and the girl?

[road]

You bot need to grow up. There must be NC the ex's for the both of you.

[justa_guy]

Hiya,

 

This whole story has red flags of a narcissist/co-narcissist relationship. Her mother, the triangulation, gas-lighting.

 

The fact you've been cheated on a lot in the past could be indicative of co-dependent traits. I'm being a bit biased because I've just come out of a dating a narcissist and maybe this scenario is a lot more innocent.

 

Do yourself a favor and read up about narc/co dependent relationships and see if there are any more flags.

 

Also what are her actions showing you? talk is cheap.

[Price2Play]

^^This justa_guy hit it. Narc/co dependent relationships, this is my ex. NAWLT

Woman like this love the attention of 2-3 possibly ex's or orbiters pining for them.

 

My ex & I mutually split up months ago, I follow the NC rules but she thinks she's the exception to the rule?! She's now in an temporary LDR but still contacts me for booty calls. Really? She's setting her next relationship up to be a failure as well. Cut toxic people out of your life for your own sake.

 

I would advise to move on, plenty of woman out their that are NOT friends with ex's and learn to move on. I've been burned multiple times by woman like this. Date & screen before it's serious, protect your heart.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Price2Play

[greaterdevil]

hey gang,

 

i was surprised to see this thread had been posted on recently. thanks everyone for your advice.

 

things are going pretty well. she decided not to go with her mom to the funeral, and as far as I know she hasn't been talking to her ex at all.

 

i appreciate the warnings and as soon as i'm done posting will read up a bit more on narcissists and codependents, but i just wanted to update and say that for now things are pretty good :-).

 

i really do just have a pretty good feeling about this gal. whenever i feel jealous about the ex or her mom i start to think that it is definitely more in my head and that i am projecting past infidelities from exes onto my current relationship.

 

anyway just wanted to keep everyone updated. thanks again.

[lolablue17]

hey gang,

 

i was surprised to see this thread had been posted on recently. thanks everyone for your advice.

 

things are going pretty well. she decided not to go with her mom to the funeral, and as far as I know she hasn't been talking to her ex at all.

 

i appreciate the warnings and as soon as i'm done posting will read up a bit more on narcissists and codependents, but i just wanted to update and say that for now things are pretty good :-).

 

i really do just have a pretty good feeling about this gal. whenever i feel jealous about the ex or her mom i start to think that it is definitely more in my head and that i am projecting past infidelities from exes onto my current relationship.

 

anyway just wanted to keep everyone updated. thanks again.

 

Great!! you see? it takes time for her to change, and if she does, she's not doing it because you gave her an ultimatum, but because she decided to do it.

[amythan]

I am your gf, I have a bf I love and I still talk to my ex-bf very regularly. I cannot say that the situation is the same but it could be. We were living together for nine years and I still consider him my family. I do not think about going back together because it will probably not be the same as before.

 

He is a fantastic person and we grew up together, we have a bunch of memories, we traveled the world and went through a lot supporting each other. I am nostalgic about our time and I do compare everyone with him, which it is not fair. We split because we wanted different things and we understood our time was over.

 

If my bf asked me to stop talking to him I would understand but I wouldn't do it. I know it is probably not healthy but he is very important for me and I am sure he will be on my side forever.

[Price2Play]

I am your gf, I have a bf I love and I still talk to my ex-bf very regularly. I cannot say that the situation is the same but it could be. We were living together for nine years and I still consider him my family. I do not think about going back together because it will probably not be the same as before.

 

He is a fantastic person and we grew up together, we have a bunch of memories, we traveled the world and went through a lot supporting each other. I am nostalgic about our time and I do compare everyone with him, which it is not fair. We split because we wanted different things and we understood our time was over.

 

If my bf asked me to stop talking to him I would understand but I wouldn't do it. I know it is probably not healthy but he is very important for me and I am sure he will be on my side forever.

 

What Amy has sounds like it's possible "normal" friendship with her ex. Her conversations with her ex are probably light topics nothing heavy that would affect her mood or attitude in a negative way.

 

IMO it only becomes an issue when an ex is pining for the other. I've lost count with my ex's that some chump ex was still pining for her months, some even years later. Not all woman completely get it but it affects their current relationship negatively. The ex says something because they are still hurt or whatever so the gf takes it out on the new bf. This is when it is not worth it, if that old relationship is so important then you can keep it. I'm moving on.

[lolablue17]

I am your gf, I have a bf I love and I still talk to my ex-bf very regularly. I cannot say that the situation is the same but it could be. We were living together for nine years and I still consider him my family. I do not think about going back together because it will probably not be the same as before.

 

He is a fantastic person and we grew up together, we have a bunch of memories, we traveled the world and went through a lot supporting each other. I am nostalgic about our time and I do compare everyone with him, which it is not fair. We split because we wanted different things and we understood our time was over.

 

If my bf asked me to stop talking to him I would understand but I wouldn't do it. I know it is probably not healthy but he is very important for me and I am sure he will be on my side forever.

 

I admire your strength and that you can stand up for your principles. I once had a GF (my wife today) that has been in constant contact with her Ex'es, and 1 of them bothered me very much.

 

In my case I didn't feel insecure, I wasn't afraid that she will cheat with him, it was just pure un justified jealousy. I tried to teach myself but i couldn't. He was my GF's best friend. They were never even together, Just FWB from time to time.

 

But I freaked out when she was meeting him, (I never asked her to not seeing him). she reduced their meetings and finally she cut all contact with him, only because she was watching what it is doing to me\us.

 

More to that... He and her were a part of 5-6 good friends from highschool so she cut contact with all of them completely because of the situation.

 

There was no ultimatum but i guess that if she was still seeing him we wouldn't make it and we'd probably split. She knew that and she made a choice because she loved me so much. We are married for long time and have 2 children now.

 

Back to you... If you love someone so deeply you make sacrifices, even gives up some principles. If I was your BF and you were prioritizing your principles before me, It wouldn't last between us... (it wouldn't last anyway, i live half earth apart from you :rolleyes:)

 

If your friend is so much a friend, he will understand and support you when you're gone, and even after 10 years if you divorce, he will always want to be there for you even if you didn't talk to you for 10 years... But For me (as your BF) It was a big red flag if you're prioritizing your social life more than me. (assuming it really makes me crazy and i did all i can to overcome jealousy).

 

In my case - My gf knew that i'd sacrifice my life for her if i need to. It was and still - true love.

Edited April 11, 2015 by lolablue17