missk803 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) So my friend has been dating this guy for a little over a year now. She is completely head over heels for him, it's pretty much to the point where if he was to ask her to marry him, she would definitely say yes. Well, a few days ago, I went to a dating site to check it out and see what it's about and after a search of other singles in my area, I run across his profile. There was nothing written about himself but he did have a few pictures posted and it also stated that he had just been on the site "49 minutes ago". Now, keep in mind, that she has come to me and others complaining about his questionable behavior on numerous occasions but whenever advice has been given, she often gets defensive or upset with the person giving the advice or trying to help or she'll try to talk to him, he'll get mad at her and they end up arguing but then she'll just let it go as if nothing has happened. I really want to tell her about what I saw but I'm a little worried about the outcome. I get a feeling that when I tell her, she's going to confront him about it (with my name involved) and be mad for a while, he'll come up with some type of excuse and she'll automatically believe it (she's very naïve and passive with him for some reason) and me and him will have a falling out over it. I hate being in the middle of drama and I actually like him, just wish he'd be more upfront and honest with her. I've been told I shouldn't say anything just yet (because of how she is) but then I've been told that I should tell her. What should I do in this situation? Edited January 22, 2015 by missk803 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'd tell her. What she does with that information is up to her. If she chooses to be angry with you, so be it. If she chooses to stay with him, it's on her. Be gentle and supportive but be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Maybe you can tell her via email. Take a screen shot of his dating profile and then send it to her via email as an attachment. She can't deny the reality of his behavior when she sees the screen shot. And he can't deny it either, if you have proof via a screen shot. That is the only way to call him out on his behavior to your friend and to him. Otherwise, if you just tell her, she'll still act defensive and he'll get mad at you and her for questioning his behavior, which you found out is pretty bad. You can still be honest, but gentle won't work in this case. She needs to see the truth for her own eyes. Be supportive, yes, even if she gets mad at you for having her best interest in mind. Hopefully, she'll come to her senses and direct her anger at her boyfriend and thank you for showing her the truth via his active dating profile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Next time you're with both of them, tell them you've joined a dating site, log on from your phone, pull up his profile and say "hey this dude looks exactly like you, is he your twin?" to her man and watch the fallout. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Next time you're with both of them, tell them you've joined a dating site, log on from your phone, pull up his profile and say "hey this dude looks exactly like you, is he your twin?" to her man and watch the fallout. Why put the OP in the direct line of fire? That's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any. I think it's wiser to just send the email with a screenshot as hard evidence of the boyfriend's dating profile. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's almost the type of situation that makes me want to suggest an anonymous tip, but I know that's lame and I'm guessing you'd be found out pretty quick? I understand how the urge to tell her would be battling pretty hard with the desire to stay out of their drama. I don't think there's an easy answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Well if the OP stays out of the drama, and her friend finds out about her boyfriend's online dating profile by some miraculous accident, I think the OP could get into worse trouble. For instance, if the OP comes clean to her friend, "well, I knew about his profile but didn't want to say anything because I knew it would upset you," could be misinterpreted as a betrayal of friendship trust by the OP's friend. It is a difficult place to be - the middle. I would just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. All you can control is your actions, OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Don't do it over an email, get together with her and show her. Tell her how you stumbled across it by joining the site yourself. Don't 'advise' her on what to do next, just say 'I needed to show you this and as your friend I am not going to lie to you or hide stuff... If you need me, I'm always here for you.' 9 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Don't do it over an email, get together with her and show her. Tell her how you stumbled across it by joining the site yourself. Don't 'advise' her on what to do next, just say 'I needed to show you this and as your friend I am not going to lie to you or hide stuff... If you need me, I'm always here for you.' +1 This is great advice. Print off the screen grab of his online dating profile and show her (just her, don't invite the boyfriend yikes!). Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Agreed -- whichwayisup gave the perfect advice. Do it in person, admit you're uncomfortable, but let her see for herself. Think about it. In her shoes, you'd want a good friend to do the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 yeah just show her but don't tell her what to do. Because trust me cheaters lie and deny. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Ive seen more then a few people on LS say they have made up random dating profiles to do "experiments" with strangers pics they pulled off line. It might be a long stretch in this exact situation but it dose happen a lot from what I hear on here.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missk803 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 +1 This is great advice. Print off the screen grab of his online dating profile and show her (just her, don't invite the boyfriend yikes!). Thank you all for your advice. I went to her house yesterday and after she talked to me about some questionable behavior she experienced of his a few days ago, I decided it was time to let her know what I discovered. I did not tell her anything I thought she should do as far as staying or leaving him but I did tell her that it would be best that they talked. She thanked me for telling her about it and confronted him immediately. The site he is on is Tinder and if anyone is not familiar with that site, it is a site designed to meet people in your area by searching for men, women, or both by location and age range only. Then a series of photos pop up of your potential matches and you can either swipe left (meaning a no) or swipe right (meaning a yes) on these profiles. If you and another person both swipe right on each other, then you are able to send each other private messages. According to him, it is not a dating site but a social media site and that he was only liking pictures. I can guarantee that NO one goes on that site without the intentions of meeting other single people. He is also blaming me and her other friends for putting stuff into her head, which she said she then made it clear that I'm not to blame and that I did not tell her what to do as far as their relationship goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
6Pack Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Thank you all for your advice. I went to her house yesterday and after she talked to me about some questionable behavior she experienced of his a few days ago, I decided it was time to let her know what I discovered. I did not tell her anything I thought she should do as far as staying or leaving him but I did tell her that it would be best that they talked. She thanked me for telling her about it and confronted him immediately. The site he is on is Tinder and if anyone is not familiar with that site, it is a site designed to meet people in your area by searching for men, women, or both by location and age range only. Then a series of photos pop up of your potential matches and you can either swipe left (meaning a no) or swipe right (meaning a yes) on these profiles. If you and another person both swipe right on each other, then you are able to send each other private messages. According to him, it is not a dating site but a social media site and that he was only liking pictures. I can guarantee that NO one goes on that site without the intentions of meeting other single people. He is also blaming me and her other friends for putting stuff into her head, which she said she then made it clear that I'm not to blame and that I did not tell her what to do as far as their relationship goes. So, how did you pull up his profile to show her? With Tinder, it is an app (not a website) and you can only pull up someone's profile again if you have both matched. Once someone swipes left, the profile is no longer available to either person. Did you both match with each other? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Glad it went well for you missK803 telling your friend about her boyfriend's profile on Tinder. Hopefully your friend will see her boyfriend for the player he seems to be and dump him. You did the right thing for your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Ive seen more then a few people on LS say they have made up random dating profiles to do "experiments" with strangers pics they pulled off line. It might be a long stretch in this exact situation but it dose happen a lot from what I hear on here.. Men who are head over heels or crazy about their girlfriends don't even think to go on a dating website, even for an " experiment":sick: If a man is really invested, he just doesn't think about dating sites in general. A man who is truly in love wouldn't go on a dating website or even think to do it - he would know that one of her mates could see him and he wouldn't want to run the risk of losing her! When a man is truly in love - they don't put their own desires ahead of their girlfriends - when it comes to something as trivial as " hmm, I wonder if I still have it" This poor girls deserves to know that she is at he beck and call of a man who just isn't that into her. She should seek out a relationship with a man who is on the same page as her. This relationship wont do her any good besides from opening up a world of hurt, when he will meet the love of his life and swiftly leave her! Or when he just gets sick of the relationship he will leave. Men who go on dating sites generally end up leaving relationships when a better prospect comes along, or the sex gets stale. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Why put the OP in the direct line of fire? That's creating drama where there doesn't need to be any. I think it's wiser to just send the email with a screenshot as hard evidence of the boyfriend's dating profile. Hard evidence he will deny being an issue like the op updated us on? Yeah great this invites him to make excuses & hide his future activity online. Making it personal & accountable ensures quicker resolution. The op will likely be supporting her gullible friend for months or years now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missk803 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 So, how did you pull up his profile to show her? With Tinder, it is an app (not a website) and you can only pull up someone's profile again if you have both matched. Once someone swipes left, the profile is no longer available to either person. Did you both match with each other? I took a screenshot as soon as I saw him come up. I didn't swipe left or right because I wanted it to come up again in a search but it never did, I think he may have seen my profile at some point and swiped left so I wouldn't show up again. It was too late though. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) I'm glad to read that she didn't launch into you and in fact, she had your back when he tried to deflect his responsibility in this. From what I know, Tinder is a dating site. "hot or not" is a site to yea or nay pictures of people. He must think she's stupid. Edited January 26, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missk803 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I'm glad to read that she didn't launch into you and in fact, she had your back when he tried to deflect his responsibility in this. From what I know, Tinder is a dating site. "hot or not" is a site to yea or nay pictures of people. He must think she's stupid. You're exactly right. Everyone I have talked to about Tinder agrees that it is a dating app. Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSnow Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Next time you're with both of them, tell them you've joined a dating site, log on from your phone, pull up his profile and say "hey this dude looks exactly like you, is he your twin?" to her man and watch the fallout. I know someone said this put the OP in the line of fire... but in my experience, sometimes this kind of drastic action (and putting the guy on the spot) is what is needed, particularly since it sounds like she is going to be resilient to any reports of wrong doing. I had a friend in my circle. Rumors were flying about how her boyfriend had cheated. She had no evidence, so stayed with him. On a night out, I saw him holding hands with a girl. I took a picture of this and showed it to my friend. She wasn't defensive at this point, and she did confront him about it, but he made up an excuse about how he knew her. I let it drop and didn't chide her for staying with him- after all, holding hands does not necessarily mean cheating. So on the rumours continued and he ALWAYS had some good excuse. Finally, my friends and I were fed up. We had on good authority that he cheated. The next time he came round, one of my friends confronted him about it. His face went white as a sheet. He didn't have time to think up a way out of it. His expression told us all what we had suspected - he had cheated. He ran off like a dog with his tail between his legs. My friend never heard from him again. She's now with a guy who she seems much happier with. Sometimes drastic action is needed. Edited February 1, 2015 by SaraSnow Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Honestly, the naive, gullible and eager to believe excuses woman you're describing is exactly who the cheaters end up marrying, because they know the wife will keep blinders on rather than leave them. This may be one of those matches like that. She may be willing to overlook to keep him for whatever reason. Your fears about her turning against you (or him turning against you and then forbidding her to be friends with you) are certainly realistic. But if you are going to tell her, then Writer Gal's way of sending the link is best. You could add something like "What the?" or "Holy crap, did you two break up?" Keep in mind that just because he's on there fishing doesn't mean he'll do anything about it unless he catches a big one, like his fantasy woman. In fact, in the long run, if all he gets is women he's not interested in, it might even convince him she's the best he'll ever get. But I do think she should know. But if there's history of her choosing not to believe him, you will come out the loser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
melonmint57 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Personally, I would tell her. I would feel terrible knowing that my friends boyfriend was on a dating app and I didn't say anything, so I think you absolutely did the right thing! Edited February 1, 2015 by melonmint57 Link to post Share on other sites
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