Wanting to see him again

[Sumia]

Me and him met each other two years ago on an online gaming community, we chatted everyday on skype and video cam almost everyday. He was the sweetest yet random and funny guy I have ever met in my life. I am a very shy person and have insecurities about myself and about how I look, but when we first on video cam for this time he called me beautiful. It made me a bit embarrassed but I took the compliment.

 

When I was feeling down or depressed about something he always found a way to cheer me right up, always putting a smile on my face... We were also honest with each other and could not lie to each other, even if we wanted to. A week ago after we started dating he introduced me to his childhood friend who said was a lesbian. She would do anything for him or be there for him... My ex had a rather tragic childhood past that he does not talk about often or shared his experience with others expect for me, her and maybe a few others... Early this month I was going to visit him.... But thanks to real life problems I had to cancel my trip on visiting him for the first time to solve this money issue I was having with a couple of family members.

 

He understood... Things were not looking so great on his side as well. He was at the risk for diabetes, the doctor told him to not take anymore naps during the daytime which he does a lot. He told me this and that his testeromes were lowing... When winter comes around his hormones and fetish rages greatly that he would sleep to just not think about it but because he cannot take a nap anymore, he would just now have to deal with the pain.

 

a couple of weeks, he was not acting like himself. He would say a couple of sentences then for the rest of the day he ignores me until it is time for him to go to bed. Last wednesday he usually go to some community thing with his friends and come home around 10 p.m sadly he came back home close to 1 am in the morning, he got on skype saying that he was going to bed and that he loved me.

 

I was actually upset so I wrote him and went offline, the next day when I woke up his message was removed. I knew something was serious, so I made something up telling him I was sorry being afraid that he was wanting to break up with me. When saw my message he said he was sorry as well and he put something like "fine don't love me then Q-Q" but also said he removed it because he did not want to start any problems...

 

At that moment I KNEW something was wrong because usually when I don't reply when he says "I love you" he always responded back with a "fine don't love me QOQ"

 

Saturday was the day of depression for me and maybe for him... I was ordering tickets to come see him in march and asked to how to spell his city state... He did not respond to me until 8p.m saying that he was in tears right now. I asked what happen?

 

He did not responded, so I thought I did something wrong... Few minutes he replied again giving me this response: "......................................"

 

He then told me that I should give up on him, he is not human at this point that is a scum, no much worse then a scum...

 

He said he done something that he will never ever get over. Something went wrong a thing that he should have had control on. He did not want to lie unless he had to lie, but said that cannot and never will lie to me, saying that I do not know how much he loves me but now he has to come clean with me because it was my right to know what was going on with him. He told me a month ago about how his hormones were out of whack and he went to the doctor to get himself checked.

 

His blood tests show that his testosterone levels have lower, making him likely to do things and because not taking a lot of naps like he usually does did not help at all as well as his fetish. He told me that he was fooling around with his lesbian friend that his hormones suddenly spiked and after that he blacked out.

 

The second thing he talked about was the ex that he was with a year before he met me, he was like his other half and was very much in love with her. He told me that he was not a virgin (which I kind of knew...)) They broke up because she was moving to another state and the two did not see themselves being in a LDR...

 

I'm not sure how many months it has been but one day she told him that she is coming back to move back down where he lives but sadly on her way to the airport she was killed in a car crash. He was emotionally wreck that day, he did not leave out of his room for 3 months bare ate did nothing but slept all day... It hurted him a lot... He said that they would been together for the rest of their lives if she didn't die in that crash.

 

Getting over a break up is hard, especially if your other half has been killed and that you were going to get back together is even more harder, it's been really buried deep inside him but things were getting better for him, he found a job to fill the void but he still could not visit any of his friends because he was still healing.

 

He also played games and dated girls online to feel that void but at the same time he always complained to his lesbian friend about it... She told him to tell me about what happen to his ex girlfriend, he came clean about sleeping with her.

 

My ex said that he cannot continue with our relationship not after what he did, breaking our trust and him betraying me, he should not have rushed into a relationship so soon that her death keeps replaying in his dreams at time that he comes on skype to see if I am around.

 

But when he goes back to sleep he dreams sweet dreams of me and him and that they are good that they wash away the pain and remove the nightmares between him and his ex, I literally shine the light form from the shadows that kept him plugged up as he also did the same for me, but lost to do to his hormones and betrayed me that he cannot forgive himself even if I can forgive him.

 

So he told me to give up on him and go on with my life because if it was anyone else they would probably gladly done so after hearing the "sleeping" part he doesn't even want to be around as friends he just think it is best if I disappear from his life that night so I can get on with mines without the other holding back... And maybe one day we'll meet again. However there was a third reason but he wanted me to hear what I had to say about this especially the one where he slept with his friend.

 

I told him that I did not know what to think or say... In my heart I felt nothing by my beating... I felt empty inside... I just did not know what to say. I did not curse him out or yell at him. I forgave him I told him that he should not have been seeing her as often like he was doing now especially in the conditions he was going in or his friend should have back out of it.

 

Yes, she knew me and him were dating... And yes I know that she is a lesbian because she was dating my Ex's ex then moved onto this other girl but after that night... Not sure if she is one anymore due to the fact that she went on and fooled around with my ex or he actually forced himself on her.

 

He also never thought of his lesbian friend as a girl, but She always put his head in her lap and rub his hair, making him think about his ex...

 

Now the third one is a bit scary, I know some people have visions when they sleep, my friend have these kind of visions hers starts off with a black cat in the scene knowing that someone she cares or love for is going to die soon. My ex had the same occurrences with his grandfather and his dog... Even himself but he did not die, but he predicted that he would been in a car accident and he was in one. This was the most heartbreaking thing for him

 

 

In his dream me and him driving back from home because I've always wanted to visit this anime shop he talked about his state... we were having fun but sadly when pulling out a drunk driver came hitting the passenger side I was killed and he was paralyzed to the neck down there was a yellow haze line.

 

So the icing on the cake for him in this is... If we never meet in real life then that will never happen, he said he never try to stop his dreams or visions from happening but this time he will NOT make sure this one will be true, that he is not worth my life.

 

I can go on with my life go to the college go to my university school... Things I was planning on doing after I met him, he even encouraged me to pursue those dreams then staying lovestruck with him... Because anything can happen hence, our breaking up. After we stop talking we said our goodbyes I deleted and blocked him, deleted all contacts of him except his phone number... I deleted the people that who were in our lives I felt that I won't re-coop with myself if I've done this, staying with them and all I see is him in that branch. So I deleted them as well.

 

After that night I've been into a state of depression... I cry all day, I did not eat anything and still today not eating... i've try to nibble on things but I can barely eat that. My sleeping habits have been very poor lately. I try to perk myself up by playing video games or talking to friends but after they are gone by the day or I get tired of playing the same old games... That depression comes drowning me in sorrow and sadness.

 

I even looked up videos on how to get over depression after a break up... It hurts and it still does hurts and when I finally think I have gotten over him... an hour or late I begin to feel very shallow and start crying. He's part of my life and I would do anything to be with him or actually hear from him again... I rather be friends with him then actually be boyfriend or girlfriend like he does to this other exs. I would enjoy if we were back together... But he is in college doing his own thing... and maybe next year I'm going to do the same...

 

 

We both probably rushed into a relationship with each other... Since he was just getting over a death of the love of his life and me getting over a break up with another LDR that turn out to be successful.... but not nearly as happy as I thought it turn out to be. ((have been at least 3 or 4 months of me being single before meeting the next guy))

 

I am stupid, yes I am crazy... I love this guy even though some of you think it is just puppy love... He said that the chance for him to actually find true love is probably 0 he may find another girl in his life but he may not love her the same way he did with his ex or me. We were the only two that he felt as if he had true happiness between the others he was with... The same for me.

 

I really just want him to talk to me again... I miss his random goofyness his smiles a friend did recently talked to him and she said that he seems to be doing fine, that put a smile and ease the pain to my heart that he is happy... And one of us is back to our old self. I put so much investment, money saving and time to visit him this spring... All that effort went to waste... It did not help when I saw youtube videos and saw long distance relationships closing the gaps, or LDR couples actually meeting for the first time... That could have been me and him... Have he not broken out like that.

 

Everyday I think about him... Even if I try not too... I just want to talk to him again... But when I try something holds me back and I give up... the depression is hurting me greatly. I am probably one of those people who are destined to be alone, because in real life I've been called ugly sometimes when people look at me their faces slowly frown, been picked on half of my life and been called a mute, I gradually accepted that. In my teenage life online dating was nothing but a role playing fantasy for me and for the guys I dated but as I grew older, I took my last two more serious.

 

He never thought that, that day would come. Never dreamed of it... I however always said that their is a time ticking in our mind... and the time suddenly stopped.

 

The last words he had said to me were very meaningful and he meant it in his heart, everything he said about me was never a lie, he loved me and he thought I was beautiful and I was the girl of his dreams... He enjoy every second of the time we had together... I told him he made me feel like a human being after what happen during the couple of years through my teenage life, I didn't get to experience actual true until I met him and another ex... My real life ex always tried to force himself on me. While my serious LDR ex... always made me felt bad when things did not go his way.

 

My last ex however always cheered me up and made me laugh when I was annoyed or upset about something... I am actually glad I gave him the chance to get stuff out of his chest instead of running away when a bad feeling is about to occur...

 

I want to text him on my phone... because I know he does not use skype as often like he use too... I know I should give me and myself sometime... What should I do though? I do not want really want to move on... People say there are plenty of fishes in the sea... Yes, there are plenty of fishes in the sea but each fish has a personality different from the others and when you find one you would actually know that, that fish is the one, a friend told me that:

 

"They might say if you love something, let it go. No If you love someone, never let them go! Once you find your one, You'll never find another like them if you truly, deeply love someone... Chase after, hold onto them! Do whatever you need to do to be with them! having the patience of a saint, or something as simple as this like LDR....."

 

Not only that but an article of a 70 year old man who went into a restaurant eating lunch with a picture of his wife. That man was searching probably to the ends of the earth looking for her... That story actually inspired me to one day do the same with my ex... I do want to give myself sometime to think and let me and him heal... but I do, really do want to actually speak to him again....