New here.....

[HurtOfGlass]

Hi,

I am a long time lurker. Haven't posted my story yet. But like everyone else I was in a 5 year relationship with my ex-GF. She cheated on me. Found out through a friend. I broke it off with her although she was ready to end her affair and come back....

But that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about what happened to me after this. And I really want to know if anyone understands whats going on with me. I will explain myself with an incident.

 

I am a Hindu by religion. Laxmi Puja is one of the holiest festivals of our religion. Every year we have this puja in our home. As usual this year we also had it. I was there in my home in the morning. I kept my fast. I sat during the puja. But in the evening I said I will be going to my friends house.

 

But what I actually did was go to a brothel. And I slept with a whore.

 

My parents thinks I am a very pious boy. But there I was desecrating myself in the whorehouse on the holiest day of the Hindu calendar. And most sinister of all, I did not feel a shred of guilt for doing this.

 

What is wrong with me? I was not like this. There are many such incidents like this that says I have changed....

[DKT3]

When one finds that a long term partner has been unfaithful it really feels like they have rejected YOU. Many of us in that situation then looks for a way to boost the ego and/or feel better about ourselves. Going to a whore house is a ego boost on steroids. Its the job of every woman there to make you feel like the most desirable man on the planet.

 

What your doing (san the whores) is fairly common. Before my wifes affair I had only been with her sexually, after that number climbed to an alarming number. It can be a dangerous adventure if you don't get control..

[HurtOfGlass]

Thanks for the reply.....

 

My number has also become very high for a boy of my age. I was in a relationship before this one but it was nowhere serious as this. Only school romance and first sex experience. But after this relationship ended I have went to the whorehouse 22 times (on the last count)......

 

But its not the sex that draws me there. This might sound very evil but I have developed a certain habit which has become very addictive.

 

After the sex, I throw the money on the face of the whore and sarcastically say "Thank you madam for your services"....

 

I understand how disrespectful this habit is to the women working there but I can't help not doing it. And I know exactly why I do it. It gives me a sense of power.

 

Have I become a women hater?

[aliveagain]

Doesn't sound like you have recovered from the shock of your five year relationship ending in infidelity. Even though you've dogged a bullet with your ex, get the necessary help(counselling) so you don't carry the hate you have for her into your future relationships with other women. What I read from your post is that you have lost respect for things you once thought of as sacred, don't loose respect for yourself because what she did to you wasn't your fault. Not all women are broken.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for the reply.....

 

My number has also become very high for a boy of my age. I was in a relationship before this one but it was nowhere serious as this. Only school romance and first sex experience. But after this relationship ended I have went to the whorehouse 22 times (on the last count)......

 

But its not the sex that draws me there. This might sound very evil but I have developed a certain habit which has become very addictive.

 

After the sex, I throw the money on the face of the whore and sarcastically say "Thank you madam for your services"....

 

I understand how disrespectful this habit is to the women working there but I can't help not doing it. And I know exactly why I do it. It gives me a sense of power.

 

Have I become a women hater?

 

Get some professional help. There's more going on here than just hating women.

 

There may be some deep rooted self-hatred going on here, too.

 

You are harming only you with this destructive behavior.

[Be_Strong]

I think I know what may be happening with you. After you were victimized by your ex-GF's cheating, you probably lost a bit of your faith in people generally and also some innocence. You kind of then took a "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality where you decided instead of being the do-gooder that gets hurt by immoral people, you'll just become one of those immoral people yourself to protect against being hurt again.

[HurtOfGlass]

The funny thing is from the outside people won't notice these changes in me. I stay in the house and my parents are oblivious to my doings.

I work in a fine organization and my work has not suffered. I still have the same friendly interactions with my colleagues. I sleep well in the night. My appetite has not suffered.

 

But I have lost the patience I used to have. I snap very easily nowadays. And I know this. After the break up I had some altercations with my parents. (They did not know she cheated so they asked me to patch things up). But since then they have accepted I am no longer interested in this girl and things have been quiet for a while.

 

One incident which shows I snap easily is - I was walking on the road. A man stepped on my foot and my sandals came off my feet. I immediately lost it. I first verbally assaulted the man, then I physically beat him up (no police case)....

 

Similarly I have been in some verbal fights with my friends for jokes that I used to take lightly and laugh them off. I apologized to my friend (they know my situation and they were understanding). I thank God I did not lose them for my behaviour.

 

My current actions may not indicate this but I used to be a very patient and understanding person. And no way was I this angry young man I am now.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not a religious guy but I've always been a nice and respectful one. I've taken pride in being different than the 'bad boys' out there that disrespect women.

 

After being blindsided by my wife's affair, I really started to think that infidelity was just rampant out there. I saw it everywhere; it's kind of a natural reaction, I think, but not entirely true. I was tired of feeling like the only nice guy left. I felt that if everyone else could just screw whomever they wanted and not feel guilty, then I wasn't going to stop myself from doing the same. And frankly, after 18 years of being with just one woman, I was jealous of the fact that my wife got to have this year-long fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage. I'd been the nice guy and gotten left out. I had my own affair.

 

It didn't do me much good. It turned out that I'm not one of those people that can carry on a deception for a long time. And it didn't heal me except in very temporary fashion (like most unhealthy coping mechanisms).

 

Thankfully, my venture away from who I am was short-lived. Betrayal really does a number to people. For a while, I allowed it to change who I am. I suggest you be kind to yourself and make a return to your values. Afterall, your GF's betrayal of you was really all about her. You shouldn't let it impact you so much.

[HurtOfGlass]

And since I understood I snap easily, currently I stay away from any situation that can trigger me.

[Rainbowlove]

I immediately lost it. I first verbally assaulted the man, then I physically beat him up (no police case)....

 

But now you are hurting others as well.

 

Why haven't you reached out for professional help yet?

[Satu]

You have no right to treat anyone like that.

 

Shame on you.

[oldshirt]

You have no right to treat anyone like that.

 

Shame on you.

 

Harsh and not helpful.

 

Prostitutes are there for the money. He may feel he is disrespecting them in his heart but he is fulfilling his contractual obligation to them. He is putting food on their kids tables and a roof over their heads.

 

He does need professional help to help reconcile his moral and ethical conflicts with his actions, but he doesn't need shame for doing what brothels and prostitutes do. He has t said a word about abusing or exploiting them

[HurtOfGlass]

You have no right to treat anyone like that.

 

Shame on you.

 

I know how wrong it was, believe me. But it was not something I could control at that time. As soon as my sandals came off, all I know is abuses are flying through my mouth and in a minute my hands are flying on his face.

 

And this is not the only time I got in a fight after the break up. I fought other two times, similar case of losing patience.

 

But now you are hurting others as well.

 

Why haven't you reached out for professional help yet?

 

Here is the tricky part. As you can understand from my religion, I stay in India. It may surprise you but going to a counselor is a very big stigma. If I tell my parents, they will think I have psychological problems. And most importantly, they do not know the reason of breakup and how depraved I have become. Plus counselling is very costly and I cannot pay them on my own.

If I tell them I need help, I almost surely have to say the reason of break up. And if I tell them of the breakup, this will cause further drama with my ex-GF's family getting involved because my parents will surely go on to confront them about their daughter's activity.

 

With whatever stress I am going through I dont need anymore....

[HurtOfGlass]

Hence this is the reason I came here to seek help....

[Rainbowlove]

If I tell my parents, they will think I have psychological problems.

 

You clearly do have psychological problems...

 

How else do you anticipate getting help? Are their any religious clergy you can confide in and get support?

 

You need to do something b/c I fear your rage will escalate to really hurting someone innocent.

[HurtOfGlass]

No. No priest does that kind of thing.

 

The only way I can pay for a counselor is if I ask any of my friend to help me with money. I can pay from my salary but its not enough. But the problem is if I ask for a help from a friend, word will spread in my social circle and you know the embarrassment for me.

 

I am stuck.

 

And you will be more horrified to know, since the break up my parents are asking me to marry. And there have been some incredible matches coming my way. But I can't at the moment. It will be a disaster - both for me and the innocent girl.

 

This is addings load to my anxiety. I feel no way out for me.

[Rainbowlove]

No. No priest does that kind of thing.

 

The only way I can pay for a counselor is if I ask any of my friend to help me with money. I can pay from my salary but its not enough. But the problem is if I ask for a help from a friend, word will spread in my social circle and you know the embarrassment for me.

 

I am stuck.

 

And you will be more horrified to know, since the break up my parents are asking me to marry. And there have been some incredible matches coming my way. But I can't at the moment. It will be a disaster - both for me and the innocent girl.

 

This is addings load to my anxiety. I feel no way out for me.

 

What hobbies do you have? What clears your mind from troubles?

 

How about meditating? What calms you?

[HurtOfGlass]

I read. I have a dog I tend to.

[Rainbowlove]

I read. I have a dog I tend to.

 

If you can't get professional help, you'll need to focus on healthy outlets.

 

Journal your thoughts. Take up physical activities to burn off steam and frustration....like the gym or boxing or martial arts or anything that allows you to be physical and takes your mind off your anxieties.

 

I think there's part of you that has taken the victim road. We are all wronged at some point in our lives, but we have to say...it's not about me that someone else wronged me or hurt me.

 

I've been cheated on. It sucks and it hurts, but you cannot go around taking your anger out on others. Eventually, you'll end of picking a fight with the wrong person and get hurt.

[HurtOfGlass]

Thanks. I can do this. I can start running again. I will try to find out a gym for me.

 

The thing I wonder most is when I broke it off with her, there wasn't much shouting from my end (she was crying and begging). I was calm and cold. This makes me think that if I had vented out my feelings then, maybe I would not react this way like I am doing now. Its like I bottled everything inside of me. I didn't want to show her how hurt I was. So I was unemotional while breaking off.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks. I can do this. I can start running again. I will try to find out a gym for me.

 

The thing I wonder most is when I broke it off with her, there wasn't much shouting from my end (she was crying and begging). I was calm and cold. This makes me think that if I had vented out my feelings then, maybe I would not react this way like I am doing now. Its like I bottled everything inside of me. I didn't want to show her how hurt I was. So I was unemotional while breaking off.

 

It's possible that's what happened. No doubt.

 

Learn from it. Be better. Don't let this incident in your life control who you are or how you behave.

 

Underneath all the hurt, you are still there. The kind caring you. You are young and you have your whole life a head of you.

 

Let that hurt be a part of your past - not your present and your future.

 

I still suggest journaling as a way to deal with your feelings now. Don't stuff the hurt. As you know, that's not working.

 

Face it. Feel it. We all have at some point in our lives. In the end, this will make you stronger.

[Satu]

Harsh and not helpful.

 

Prostitutes are there for the money. He may feel he is disrespecting them in his heart but he is fulfilling his contractual obligation to them. He is putting food on their kids tables and a roof over their heads.

 

He does need professional help to help reconcile his moral and ethical conflicts with his actions, but he doesn't need shame for doing what brothels and prostitutes do. He has t said a word about abusing or exploiting them

 

He has absolutely no right to treat anyone like that.

 

The fact that they are prostitutes doesn't make it acceptable.

[HurtOfGlass]

He has absolutely no right to treat anyone like that.

 

The fact that they are prostitutes doesn't make it acceptable.

 

I thought you were talking of my violent conduct with the man.

 

I know that is disrespectful. And I said this habit has become addictive to me. Something happens to me when I am inside the room with a prostitute.

 

You don't have to shame me. But if you want to help me, I will gladly take your advice.

[BetrayedH]

Your personal "embarassment" over this is a key part of the problem.

 

As has been said at least three times on this thread, your GF's cheating is not a reflection on you. She's the cheater here. Why should YOU be embarassed when it was HER actions that were shameful? If anything, you showed strength by not accepting her unacceptable actions. You should be proud of that. You even handled yourself responsibly when dealing with her. Again, that's something you can be proud of.

 

Even if your GF wanted to say it was a poor relationship, cheating on you doesn't solve anything. It wasn't a logical decision. It certainly wasn't ethical for her to keep you faithful while she played single. It certainly wasn't a healthy decision either - affairs bring destruction. And I'd be willing to bet that even she would say that it was immoral - that cheating goes against her personal standards. So why in the world would she make such an illogical, unethical, and unhealthy decision that goes against her own values and beliefs? I'll give you a clue - it's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Cheating isn't a relationship problem; it's a personal one.

 

Some waywards have an excessive need for external validation; they "need" to be wanted and desired so badly that no one person is enough - they'll take it wherever they can get it and throw away everything just to feel special. Some waywards have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement; they "deserve to be happy" and it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. Other waywards are severely conflict-avoidant; god forbid if they actually spoke up about what they needed. Sometimes there's a toxic combination of these problems. One thing that is consistent though is that none of these things has to do with the person being betrayed. It has everything to do with the person making the piss poor decision. I'm guessing you didn't get a vote.

 

So why should you be embarrased about her problem? You shouldn't. And it's a big problem because it is stopping you from getting help and support from family, friends, and a therapist. Your resentment has nowhere to go and resentment doesn't just go away. It's going to come out and in your case, it's coming out in the face of innocents.

 

Quit owning her problems. Being betrayed is hard enough without you taking the blame for her decisions.

[Satu]

I thought you were talking of my violent conduct with the man.

 

I know that is disrespectful. And I said this habit has become addictive to me. Something happens to me when I am inside the room with a prostitute.

 

You don't have to shame me. But if you want to help me, I will gladly take your advice.

 

You should meditate on non-violence. Your religious tradition has many ways of approaching that.

 

Om Shanti.