New here.....

[BeatsByDirk]

Man,

I kinda think I know what you are going through but I could also be off.

 

I think this has to do a lot with religion!

 

I grew up hardcore catholic, alter boy, thought about becoming a priest, the whole nine yards, I was in!

 

Something happened where the promises or the benefits for being devout didn't compare to the amount of work and devotion I was putting in.

 

The miracles, the callings, the presence of God. . . I never felt it, I'm tired of waiting to feel whole and working so hard to be a good person.

 

Why am I working so hard to be a good person... Maybe I am not a good person, maybe I'm somewhere in the middle and need to embrace the gray areas in my life and stop looking at life as good or bad/ right or wrong.

 

I spent a lot of time doing "bad things" getting my repayment for my investment that was never going to return rewards but instead was going to make me jump through hoops and feel shame for wanting what I felt was natural to want.

 

Throwing the money in the hookers face though, that seems like you not feeling like a real man inside! Revenge for the assault of your masculinity.

That chick cheated on you and you had no power no say. As a man it's not so easy to go out and get revenge sex because most of us don't have that one night stand game but I feel like almost any woman could go out and arrange a sex situation very close to what she envisioned... The performance or the perfomer(s) might not be at the level she desired and satisfactions isn't garaunteed but nonetheless most dudes can't put something like this together(I'm not debating fairness because guys have a better deal in many other situations). I think this is a big deal for guys who get cheated on because you are just stuck there not able use volume to wash away your frustration without paying for it.

 

It seems like you resent paying for it, it seems like you resent investing the time and energy into your life up until now and not getting back what you want to get and this burn by this relationship is the last straw.

 

The scary thing is the way you are acting. You come off the hinges with the wrong person and you are gonna get jacked up, and I'm not sure that that's not kinda what you're looking for. "If prostitues are bad, if fighting is bad, if cheating is bad, if being disrespectful is bad why can I keep going about my business doing all these things and no retribution will be paid?"

 

If you get smitted for your actions you can go back to your life pleased knowing that the proper path is to stay within the guidelines laid out for you believing that the guidelines are there because what lies beyond them is punishment. One far out interpretation of your situation could be that because you have not found a correction for your behavior and you feel no guilt you have to question the reason to follow the path laid out for you.

 

You don't have to follow that path!

But if you don't like throwing money in a hookers grill then you gotta confront yourself and not do it. If you don't want to pick fights or fly off the handle are you counting to 5 and asking if you were really disrespected or maybe this is just something that is happening right now.

 

No therapy. . . well how about access to psychedelics? Can you get your hands on MDMA, psilocybin, potent edible hash, iahuasca, as well as some other psychedelics that are tools to gain introspection and insight into ones own life or psyche when traditional means are not an option. For the non-traditional adventures and for those who are in a horrible place and need to give finding an answer one last shot before they checkout, psychedelics could be an answer. I'm not saying to enter into drug use or illegal activity but I think you said you were in India and I'm not sure what the rules or cultural response is to psychedelics but I believe one can find more truth in a few psychedelic ventures that may compare or exceed those gained from years if meditation and religious exploration.

 

You obviously have the internet and if you don't like your own behavior in addition to the fact your behavior has become detrimental to your well being you can research this option if you get desperate or adventurous.

[HurtOfGlass]

Your personal "embarassment" over this is a key part of the problem.

 

As has been said at least three times on this thread, your GF's cheating is not a reflection on you. She's the cheater here. Why should YOU be embarassed when it was HER actions that were shameful? If anything, you showed strength by not accepting her unacceptable actions. You should be proud of that. You even handled yourself responsibly when dealing with her. Again, that's something you can be proud of.

 

Even if your GF wanted to say it was a poor relationship, cheating on you doesn't solve anything. It wasn't a logical decision. It certainly wasn't ethical for her to keep you faithful while she played single. It certainly wasn't a healthy decision either - affairs bring destruction. And I'd be willing to bet that even she would say that it was immoral - that cheating goes against her personal standards. So why in the world would she make such an illogical, unethical, and unhealthy decision that goes against her own values and beliefs? I'll give you a clue - it's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Cheating isn't a relationship problem; it's a personal one.

 

Some waywards have an excessive need for external validation; they "need" to be wanted and desired so badly that no one person is enough - they'll take it wherever they can get it and throw away everything just to feel special. Some waywards have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement; they "deserve to be happy" and it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process. Other waywards are severely conflict-avoidant; god forbid if they actually spoke up about what they needed. Sometimes there's a toxic combination of these problems. One thing that is consistent though is that none of these things has to do with the person being betrayed. It has everything to do with the person making the piss poor decision. I'm guessing you didn't get a vote.

 

So why should you be embarrased about her problem? You shouldn't. And it's a big problem because it is stopping you from getting help and support from family, friends, and a therapist. Your resentment has nowhere to go and resentment doesn't just go away. It's going to come out and in your case, it's coming out in the face of innocents.

 

Quit owning her problems. Being betrayed is hard enough without you taking the blame for her decisions.

 

@BetrayedH.....I read both of your posts and thought about them. You are right. I am embarrassed. Thats why I have not said the reason for break up to my parents. But I have told my friends. But in any case they would have know because they friend who found out about my ex-GF's activity would have told the others.

 

The thing is in my logical moments I am not so angry about her cheating. Why?

 

For the last 1.5 years, our relationship was long distance. She got a job in a different city. (Incidentally the friend who found out also works in that city). We used to talk and text each other everyday. But when I try to put myself in her shoes - I am in a different city. A girl is showing interest in me. I see that this relationship will not be found in my hometown. I will be getting my physical needs met here and my GF will not know. What will I do?

 

When I think like this I am not angry anymore. But when I lose all logic and become this self absorbed person who only thinks "if I can keep myself loyal here, why couldn't you keep yourself loyal there?", then my rage boils like a lava. And I end up going to the whorehouse and acting the way I do

[HurtOfGlass]

@BetrayedH.....you said you revenge cheated on your wife. Then came to the realization that you can't do this.

 

What made you you can't do that? I mean was it a self reflection or were you talking to a therapist while this was happening?

 

I am asking this because still now, even though I know how wrong my actions are, I am not feeling any pangs of guilt regarding both my whoring activities and my violent behaviour. And I feel like I can't control both. So if I don't feel any guilt or be able to control them, how do I cease doing them?

[HurtOfGlass]

No therapy. . . well how about access to psychedelics? Can you get your hands on MDMA, psilocybin, potent edible hash, iahuasca, as well as some other psychedelics that are tools to gain introspection and insight into ones own life or psyche when traditional means are not an option. For the non-traditional adventures and for those who are in a horrible place and need to give finding an answer one last shot before they checkout, psychedelics could be an answer. I'm not saying to enter into drug use or illegal activity but I think you said you were in India and I'm not sure what the rules or cultural response is to psychedelics but I believe one can find more truth in a few psychedelic ventures that may compare or exceed those gained from years if meditation and religious exploration.

 

I read your post and your inputs are very much appreciated.

 

But I don't think I can agree to you last point. I am already having some destructive and depraved behaviour. Doing drugs on top of that will only make it worse.

[BetrayedH]

@BetrayedH.....you said you revenge cheated on your wife. Then came to the realization that you can't do this.

 

What made you you can't do that? I mean was it a self reflection or were you talking to a therapist while this was happening?

 

I am asking this because still now, even though I know how wrong my actions are, I am not feeling any pangs of guilt regarding both my whoring activities and my violent behaviour. And I feel like I can't control both. So if I don't feel any guilt or be able to control them, how do I cease doing them?

 

I think my revenge affair was a bit different than your situation (both were coping mechanisms) but in my case I was forcing myself to lie straight-faced to someone who I was trying to reconcile with. It really wasn't about revenge but about soothing my ego. What probably really got me was that I became more and more aware that I wasn't going to be able to keep lying until I was in the grave. I detest lying and I detested my wife for lying to me. There was no way I was gonna keep it up for life. So I confessed.

 

As for your actions, I haven't read the rest of the responses but I'd bet I'm not the first to say that you are most certainly able to control them. You're making choices to go to this brothel and to throw money in these women's faces. It's a choice. Stop making that choice. Stop giving yourself excuses.

[DbleBetrayal]

Hi OP. I can kind of relate to what you have been going through in (I mean take away the 'whorehouse' fiasco). You're whole world and what you believed in has been turned upside down. You are made personally aware how truly horrible and deceitful people can be and it has impacted in a huge way what the world is really like.

 

I mean, it's obviously changed you dramatically and you are finding it hard to cope. Now you are over paranoid- you say that jokes you used to laugh with with friends, back then where just that- empty friendly jabs - but now you find them personally highly offensive. Someone steps on your shoe- and you crack the 5h1ts.

 

You feel like you didn't protect yourself enough in the past and you somehow let this happen (you didn't- it's on her), now you are over compensating and reacting to every tiny little thing that anyone does. You lost your sense of humour. That's probably the worst. If you read the first thread I ever made here, it sounds similar to what you are going through (except for the whorehouses, replace that with the fling I had after D Day, the alcohol and partying etc. Band-aid solutions).

 

Eventually, you'll be able to tame your behavior (I hope) though you'll probably not ever be the same as you where. Behaving like that only causes you pain, not anyone else. However, on a positive note- you will be more alert to any crap in future- you just have to learn what's worth reacting to and what is not. Or else you'll just wear yourself out and behave like a psycho. Just so you know, just like before the affair- most things aren't worth reacting to, you just need to fine tune yourself again.

Edited January 25, 2015 by DbleBetrayal

[HurtOfGlass]

My last thread was closed (I dont know for what). So I am continuing the discussion here....

 

I sat down my parents and told them that since the break up I had not been myself. Inside am angry all the time and I am depressed. Thats why I am rejecting all those matches everyone is bringing me. I am not ready yet. I will need the help of a therapist for this...

 

Needless to say, it was all tears and curses towards my ex from my parents. My mother kept saying "I knew that girl will only bring you sorrow", "I told you don't get involved with a Marwari girl" while the the same time my father started comforting her by saying "Calm down, your son is the one who got possessed by that ghost. Not your fault". Even my sister came out of her room and started calling my ex names like "haramzadi". I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say - whether to laugh at or scold my sister for her foul mouth.

 

I admit the situation turned highly melodramatic and comical.

 

In the end it was decided my father would help me get rid of this "ghost from my mind" and partly pay for any "psychiatric" help that I require....

 

So its all good. Family now knows.

[inpeices]

My last thread was closed (I dont know for what). So I am continuing the discussion here....

 

I sat down my parents and told them that since the break up I had not been myself. Inside am angry all the time and I am depressed. Thats why I am rejecting all those matches everyone is bringing me. I am not ready yet. I will need the help of a therapist for this...

 

Needless to say, it was all tears and curses towards my ex from my parents. My mother kept saying "I knew that girl will only bring you sorrow", "I told you don't get involved with a Marwari girl" while the the same time my father started comforting her by saying "Calm down, your son is the one who got possessed by that ghost. Not your fault". Even my sister came out of her room and started calling my ex names like "haramzadi". I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say - whether to laugh at or scold my sister for her foul mouth.

 

I admit the situation turned highly melodramatic and comical.

 

In the end it was decided my father would help me get rid of this "ghost from my mind" and partly pay for any "psychiatric" help that I require....

 

So its all good. Family now knows.

 

 

Hi hurtofglass,

 

Firstly welcome and Thankyou for seeking advice here.

Your predicament is particularly difficult due to the social etiquette and deep seated protocols surrounding family and such like,so you have done well to post here and stay.

I feel that when a person has no outlet to "explain the truth" of a situation, it breeds a lot of inner resentment and inner anger. We try to protect those we love, we try to protect the honour, the family, the reputation etc and we see no actual benefit whilst watching another walk away "scot free" (in my country that is a 'saying')

You have effectively transferred your inner emotions into a non-healthy outlet (whore) but what was striking is the throwing money at the end.. A big "**** you" in retaliation to the damage this betrayal has done to your core being, your core belief and from what I read, a core good soul.

Please do not revisit the whore/throw money scenario again. You are not emotionally stable and in my experience, you could do a lot of harm physically to a woman, who ultimately was not the woman that hurt you.

 

It is very important that those close to you KNOW what has really happened, so be truthful, be honest, hold your head up high despite the humiliation and do not suffer a moment more. Know that this is all beyond your control and stay true to YOU.

 

Stay strong and do not deviate from the inner path you know in your heart and soul is right. It will get better.

Edited February 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted offensive accusation of rape

[BetrayedH]

My last thread was closed (I dont know for what). So I am continuing the discussion here....

 

I sat down my parents and told them that since the break up I had not been myself. Inside am angry all the time and I am depressed. Thats why I am rejecting all those matches everyone is bringing me. I am not ready yet. I will need the help of a therapist for this...

 

Needless to say, it was all tears and curses towards my ex from my parents. My mother kept saying "I knew that girl will only bring you sorrow", "I told you don't get involved with a Marwari girl" while the the same time my father started comforting her by saying "Calm down, your son is the one who got possessed by that ghost. Not your fault". Even my sister came out of her room and started calling my ex names like "haramzadi". I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say - whether to laugh at or scold my sister for her foul mouth.

 

I admit the situation turned highly melodramatic and comical.

 

In the end it was decided my father would help me get rid of this "ghost from my mind" and partly pay for any "psychiatric" help that I require....

 

So its all good. Family now knows.

 

Good move getting support from family. I'm sure that was difficult and took some real courage. I think you should be proud that you found it. And I hope they are able to give you support beyond being angry at your ex; that doesn't do much for you.

 

I'm also glad to see that your father is going to help with a therapist. Personally, I don't think you're possessed by a ghost but if it gets you talking in front of a professional, then I don't care what we call it. I think the previous poster was right that you've got a lot of resentment for your wife. In my experience, resentment always comes out. Unfortunately, resentment had no where to go and so you've been transferring it to prostitutes, thinking that they are a safe place that you've purchased. It's serving as a coping mechanism for you (but you know it's not a healthy one).

 

A great therapist knows that you can't just take away someone's coping mechanism without replacing it. The key is to replace it with a healthy one. Some people take up a rigorous physical activity (like weight lifting or boxing) and some others take up a soothing activity (such as cooking). I hope your therapist is a good outlet for you and that they help you find a healthier coping mechanism.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[HurtOfGlass]

Your statement that you would be all over the woman whether she was married or not does you a disservice. Are you not in control of yourself? Could you not control your base instincts enough?

 

This is one of the primary reason I am willing to forgive my ex and restart with her. I realized she is a very sexual person who got caught up in passion while away from me.

The fact that she was in a different city and she had freedom to do as she pleased and was sure wouldn't get caught made her decision easy. It was not a malicious acts against me.

When we were together in our city, she would almost always ask me to get physical with her. So she was obviously physically attracted to me. That was not the problem.

 

But most importantly I realized I would have done the same as her if oppurtunity presented to me. Totally rejecting her because she got the oppurtunity and I didn't means I am letting my ego stand in between us. And I am not an egotistical person.

[Confused48]

This is one of the primary reason I am willing to forgive my ex and restart with her. I realized she is a very sexual person who got caught up in passion while away from me.

The fact that she was in a different city and she had freedom to do as she pleased and was sure wouldn't get caught made her decision easy. It was not a malicious acts against me.

When we were together in our city, she would almost always ask me to get physical with her. So she was obviously physically attracted to me. That was not the problem.

 

But most importantly I realized I would have done the same as her if oppurtunity presented to me. Totally rejecting her because she got the oppurtunity and I didn't means I am letting my ego stand in between us. And I am not an egotistical person.

 

Still, you might ask yourself, is this good enough? Do I want to be better myself? Do I want a partner that, no matter what, would not cheat on me? Do I want to be the kind of person that can offer that to a partner?

 

I've been asking these questions of myself since Dday. I certainly do want better and want to be better. I'm not sure I that I deserve better or that I can be better myself.

 

I thank the gods that I was not the one tempted. I don't think I could live with myself if I failed that test and was caught. So perhaps, seeing the failings of my WS has made be stronger and better. Perhaps it has made WS better too.

[BetrayedH]

This is one of the primary reason I am willing to forgive my ex and restart with her. I realized she is a very sexual person who got caught up in passion while away from me.

The fact that she was in a different city and she had freedom to do as she pleased and was sure wouldn't get caught made her decision easy. It was not a malicious acts against me.

When we were together in our city, she would almost always ask me to get physical with her. So she was obviously physically attracted to me. That was not the problem.

 

But most importantly I realized I would have done the same as her if oppurtunity presented to me. Totally rejecting her because she got the oppurtunity and I didn't means I am letting my ego stand in between us. And I am not an egotistical person.

 

I respect that you can empathize with her. I can also empathize with people being caught up in the moment and making a mistake.

 

But I think that there also needs to be an understanding that ultimately people are responsible for the decisions that they make. Throughout life there are going to be people that we will all find attractive. While having some boundaries in place to reduce temptation and to make it more difficult to have an affair are wise, we cannot lock everyone in a box to prevent them from having sex outside of their committed relationship. At some point, there has to be a measure of self-control and personal responsibility. People that want to cheat will always be able to find a way.

 

My wife's affair was with her boss and they went to hotels during their lunch break. Should I have not permitted her to have a job? Perhaps she should have been expected to wear a burka? Obviously there needs to be some balance between boundaries and self-control. Your culture puts that line at a different place than some others. There are advantages and disadvantages to both.

 

I just think that at the end of the day, people have to own their decisions. You did not make your fiance cheat on you. That was entirely her choice. It wasn't your fault. In the other thread, the wife made her own choice and that wasn't the husband's fault either.

[HurtOfGlass]

Perhaps she should have been expected to wear a burka?

 

I am not a Muslim.

[HurtOfGlass]

@Confused....

 

Do I want better for myself? Yes I do.

 

She has cheated on me. I lost my trust. I have went to brothels. She has probably lost some respect for me.

 

But currently in our discussions various things are coming out. I have asked her to leave that office. And so she has started a job hunt. I have firmly said to her that this is the key condition for resumption of our relationship.

 

I have asked her to do STD test and mail me the scanned copy of her results. She has agreed. I will do the same.

And as soon as I find myself a therapist, I will ask her to do the same.

 

But most importantly I have asked her to find a new job in a new city within 1 year. Thats the time limit. I will not drag this any further. And I will relocate to that city so that we are never long distance again.

[BetrayedH]

Perhaps she should have been expected to wear a burka?

 

I am not a Muslim.

 

Lol. It was obviously an example to show that other people go to greater lengths to install boundaries to protect their marriage. I am more liberal than you. You are more liberal than Muslims. Of the three of us, who is right?

 

I'd suggest that there needs to be some balance. But I would also say that when it gets down to it, the person choosing to break their commitment is the only one responsible for that choice.

[HurtOfGlass]

Got results of my STD test today.

ALL CLEAN!

 

But the doctor asked me to run the test again in 6 months.

 

Ex had also given her blood sample. Waiting for her result. Also let her know the results of my test.