more on my husband and his internet actions

[BiancaRura]

Ive posted here a couple times last week on my husband and his internet actions..... He swore to me that this one e-mail address wasnt his even though I saw him checking the mail and e-mailing this one girl, calling her sexy and such. I saw in his regular e-mail that he e-mailed her and told her to start e-mailing her at this "non-existant e-mail".

 

Well last night I was looking at the history on the computer (my husband has a porn addiction and I was checking where hes been lately, porns another big problem) and I came accross this one web site. I didnt kow what it was so I went to it (porn) and my husband was logged into it, get this, with the e-mail he swears isnt his. I dont kow how to approach him on this...

 

Im so tired of argueing with him over this but I also dont like being lied to. I didnt even sleep in the same bed as him last night. I feel so betrayed. I dont know what to do. I love my husband so much, but Im so tired of living in this situation.

 

My husband wasnt like this until I joined the Navy and was away from him for about 4 months, now everything has changed with him. Everything was great before that, except for one instance.

 

I came home from school, my husband got home about an hour before me and when I unlocked the door I could have swore he was looking at porn. As I opened the door he was pulling up his pants. Our sex life was so great then so I dont see why he would do that. Now our sex life sucks, hes always "too tired".

 

Please HELP ME. Im crying constantly and I dont know what to do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. He/she will help you two get some things out in the open and work on those things that are tearing your marriage apart. I don't expect that your situation would be resolved with any quick fixes or "heart to heart" talks.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. He/she will help you two get some things out in the open and work on those things that are tearing your marriage apart. I don't expect that your situation would be resolved with any quick fixes or "heart to heart" talks.

 

If that doesn't work....set up an appointment with a lawyer.

 

There are lots of threads and lots of differing opinions here at LS. But one thing I thing I think most folks would agree on, is that the two-dimensional aspect of viewing porn is totally different from the three-dimensional threat of interacting with live people in a pornographic setting.

 

I posted on another thread ad nauseum on the subject, because I've dealt with a similar situation. I'll pass along the link, although it doesn't all apply to your particular situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57095/

[Bballiwifey04]

Hello everyone...I found this thread searching on the internet trying to find out reasons why my husband looks at porn. I am 26, been with him for almost 7 years, married this past Septemeber. I knew that he did this before we married, caught some videos on the internet, pictures, cookies,....the whole thing. I confronted him, he promised to stop. I have confronted him at least 4 more times since then. I have explained to him that I am insecure and it really hurts my self esteem to see him staring at other beautiful women. Should this bother me so much? Am I being too mean? I even left him for a week, 6 months before we were married becuase I couldnt take it anymore! Why does he do this? Is it me? Is he not satisfied? I admit, I dont have a huge sex drive but hell, come on! I missed him so much that I decided that I could deal with it because I love him. I have continued to explain to him that is hurts my feeling, every time "I'll try to stop". Well, I guess he doesnt respect me enough to stop. Any advice?? He doesnt watch tapes, and doesnt pay for magazines. It is only this internet thing. I met him on the internet, so I should have known! His mom told me that his father did the same thing! Is it genetics??

Help!!

Thanks

Erika

[faux]

Looking at porn is not a problem, and it is not an addiction. Stop worrying about the porn. Stop focusing on the porn. People, whatever sex they might be, have a right to masturbate and look at porn whenever they want, whether they are in a relationship or not, and doing such things is nobody else's business.

 

For crying out loud, if you are obsessively cyber stalking your own husband, there are more issues going on here than you being upset that he has a right to his own private time.

[Bballiwifey04]

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!! Can't say that I am obsessing about the porn...I am more pissed off that he keeps lying about it. What does he have to hide? Every time I call him on it he promises to stop! Don't make a promise you can't keep.

[lifeasljg]

Originally posted by BiancaRura

Ive posted here a couple times last week on my husband and his internet actions..... He swore to me that this one e-mail address wasnt his even though I saw him checking the mail and e-mailing this one girl, calling her sexy and such. I saw in his regular e-mail that he e-mailed her and told her to start e-mailing her at this "non-existant e-mail".

 

Well last night I was looking at the history on the computer (my husband has a porn addiction and I was checking where hes been lately, porns another big problem) and I came accross this one web site. I didnt kow what it was so I went to it (porn) and my husband was logged into it, get this, with the e-mail he swears isnt his. I dont kow how to approach him on this...

 

Im so tired of argueing with him over this but I also dont like being lied to. I didnt even sleep in the same bed as him last night. I feel so betrayed. I dont know what to do. I love my husband so much, but Im so tired of living in this situation.

 

My husband wasnt like this until I joined the Navy and was away from him for about 4 months, now everything has changed with him. Everything was great before that, except for one instance.

 

I came home from school, my husband got home about an hour before me and when I unlocked the door I could have swore he was looking at porn. As I opened the door he was pulling up his pants. Our sex life was so great then so I dont see why he would do that. Now our sex life sucks, hes always "too tired".

 

Please HELP ME. Im crying constantly and I dont know what to do.

Hello Bianca,

I just want to know that I sympathize with you. I have been through this before but I actually caught my husband writing emails to other women and signing up for trashy sites such as adultfriendfinder.com that is how he met these women that he was talking too but it got worse because when he would go out of town he would let them know what hotel he was staying at and left his real cell # with them. Anyways he was majorly addicted to porn and that is the reason all that crap happened with out marriage because I believe when I guy gets addicted to Porn it not only opens other doors but it puts a major problem on the marriage and what happens in the bedroom. What I made my husband do is terminate all his email that he was using to write women and I also made him get rid of all his porn now some people may think that sounds crazy but they can think what they want because it's my marriage not theirs. Anyways what i'm saying is when he married you he made a commitment so you need to both either get counseling or start putting ultimatums down and demand his respect because you don't deserve someone who is going to that not only to you and your self esteem but to your marriage, how disloyal is that? You know what I also believe about Porn I think it is a major temptation from the devil to work on the weaknesses of any guy because the devil knows he can get any guy to look at porn and that is how it lets more doors open for other things to ruin a marriage. I hope you and your husband have worked things out and I wish you the best. I hope I hear back from you and let me know what you thought about my advice. Thanks.

[Brenswife]

Bianca, pay no mind to what you read when someone tries to tell you that porn is normal. Bull crap and yes, it can very easily be an addiction not to mention hurtful and disrespectful. Yes, everyone has a right to masturbate however our partners deserve respect and that does not include having to masturbate to some cyber fantasy. A man & a women should be able to "get off" with the thought of their partner and if he or she can't, well then they have the wrong partner or a porn addiction.

 

I've been where you are, I am where you are. Don't tolerate it if it's offensive to you. Choice to use porn? Not when it comes to what hurts the person you are supposedly committed to.

 

Hang in there sweetie, you will find your way.

[seashelly]

I have a problem.. I need major advice. I have read a few of these posts and can really relate to some of them. My husband and I have been together for almost a year.. we dated briefly and married fairly quickly.. at first our relationship was something out of a storybook.. he called me his queen and sweet things like that.. and PROVED to me.. how much I ment to him. Since Christmas.. things have changed.. we rarely have sex.. in fact the last time is nearly 3 months ago.. We had a firery sex life at first.... he is addicted to porn.. this I know.. and we've have had several blow outs because of it...

 

It's not the fact that he looks at this stuff... because I know most men do.. women too for that matter.. my problem is that he avoids me.. I know he's not interested in someone else.. cause he works all the time.. we have one car.. and I take him back/forth to work.. we spend his lunch hours together.. and there frankly isn't time for him to go elsewhere.

 

I have mentioned a marriage counsler.. he has no interest at all.. says he doesn't want someone to tell him how to think. We used to be able to talk about anything.. if I bring up that I feel unloved or don't get the attention I need from him.. he acts like I'm being a nagging wife. I'm sorry.. but, I don't understand.. I've had to have a biopsy on my thyroid... been having lots of problems with it.. and he swore he would be with me through it all, but, he's not even went to one dr.s appt with me.. and that makes me feel like he just doesn't care.

 

The worst part about it.. when I go see the dr.. he's home looking at porn.. and then he has no room for me.. he tries to hide it.. but, I know he does it..

 

It wouldn't be so bad if he showed me some affection.. he goofs around with me and winks and waves when he's sitting there.. but, he doesn't want to do anything with me, and he only talks with me when it's something HE want's to talk about or just joking around.. we don't have any deep discussions.. and when I tell him I need him.. he avoids me.. I miss him so much.. but, I don't know what to do..

he think's it's enough that he's HERE.. that he comes home every night.. that when he asks me what's wrong.. to him thats supposed to prove to me he cares.

 

I don't know... maybe I'm making too much of it. I miss him so much.. and I seriously think nearly three months without sex is something to be concerned about.. I don't feel close to him anymore.. and the fact that he looks at porn.. makes me sure that he's interested in sex.. maybe just not with me??? He said he's still attracted to me.. and he loves me... and he's not interested in anyone else?? what am I supposed to think...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have mentioned a marriage counsler.. he has no interest at all.. says he doesn't want someone to tell him how to think.

 

That is unfortunate. A relationship can't be fixed, if one partner refuses to take steps to do so. No real changes are going to be made. In a case like this, where you know that no changes are going to happen - you have few choices: you either have to adjust to the situation, or leave it.

 

If you took a stronger stance: in which you present him with divorce papers to show him that you are serious, would that make a difference?

[seashelly]

I told him the same thing... about feeling like I'm the only one trying to save this marriage. He acts as if I am just complaining. I told him, if my feelings didn't count to tell me.. he just sits there. He's either too tired to talk.. too sore from work.. stomach hurts... ankle hurts..... always something.. He says he doesn't know how to respond??!?! I asked him last night why he couldn't show some affection to me.. and still no responce! I told him actions speak louder than words.

 

To me.. if he came to me.. and said he felt like I didn't care.. or that he felt unloved by me.. I would do everything in my power to assure him that I do.. and I even told him this same thing.. and he said nothing!!

 

I know he loves me.. he's just not "THERE".. I feel like he's a warm body holding a position.. that's it. It used to be my feelings mattered.. he did all kinds of intitmate/romantic little things to make me feel special.. and now.. he doesn't even try. He doesn't want the marriage to end.. and neither do I.. but, I tell him I can't take it anymore, that he needs to be more responsive to my feelings.. and he still says nothing.. and I don't think he would even really be heartbroken if our marriage failed, of course this is my opinion.. because he shows no emotions on the subject at all. I sometimes think he'd rather leave than to make the effort.

 

Every thing is fine and dandy if I'm in a good mood.... but, most of the time I feel like I'm acting to try to make peace. But, if I feel lonley..(which is most of the time) he says I'm bummin... but, I tell him how I feel.. and then he gets mad.. and won't speak to me.. says he doesn't know how to answer me?? I don't get it.. I really don't. He always says.. can we talk about this tomarrow?? tomarrow never comes. I even told him this.. last night we got into it.. and he said that.. I told him.. we never talk!! You never respond to me.. I feel like I'm trying to get the closet door to give me a hug! How hard is it to show me he loves me.. when he used to make such an issue of doing it before... before he wouldn't let me do anything.. because he said I have done enough.. it's time I have a decent man to take care of me.. ( bad 1st marriage ) . But, I'm beginning to feel that history repeats itself.. and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong by asking too much of him.. but, to me.. it isn't too much to show your wife you care about her.. I'm so upset.. and cry myself to sleep so often.. and I probably should just face the fact.. actions do speak louder than words.. but, I'm stuck living in the past of how we used to be.. and believe with all my heart it can be that way again.. but, I don't know how to get back what we used to have..

 

He wrote the most beautiful vows at our wedding.. I believed they came from his heart.. he'd write me such sweet love letters.. and told me he'd always be there for me.. that we could endure anything together.. that he'd never be too tired for me... I asked him last night.. if these were just words.. and he said nothing...

 

I don't want a divorce.. and I don't want to threaten it to get a responce from him.. because I don't feel it would do any good.. I should probably just face that he doens't really love me like he claims he does, and move on with my life. But, I love him so much, and I know that love isn't an issue.. but, he won't tell me how he really feels.. I feel like I'm stuck.

[tearsoflove]

i have almost lost all faith in hope, my dreams that became reality ,lasted only a short while, everything that i thought was real was only an illusion, all that i had longed for and lived for was given then taken away, what was once so pure, so true, so real, so sweet, so clear , so perfect, is now blurred by these tears, these neverending tears of love, so much love inside once pured out a magical stream connecting to husband absorbed and returned, now all this love pours out in tears falling to their end, but i don't think they will ever end because my love for him is still , and will always be forever. my husband and i have been in love for 16 years, we share a beautiful son, and have had an almost perfect life until 2 years ago. the details are many so i will just say i have given my life to him, i have always remained faithfull, loyal, true, supportive, loving, but he has not. porn is all he wants now, porn has ruined it all. he used to love having sex with me, i could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice, it was pure exctacy, but now, some strangers, some disgusting lezbian whores, some slutty freaks, some strangers have taken my husband from me, he says he is still attracted to me and its just a couple of pictures of porn, but really it is so much more. i have lost all self esteem, self worth, i have lost my smile, "almost" (my son can still make me smile)but night after night my husband is on the internet having affairs with whores while i am working or in the shower or at the store, and when i think of this, i feel less and less of a person, of a woman , of a wife, each time he does this, a piece of my being is torn out and ripped to shreads, stompped upon, and destroyed, i am losing my husband and i am losing myself as well, im losing my life and i cant find a way to retrieve it because all i can see is a memory blurred by my tears of love. this pain is becoming unbearable, i dont know how much more my heart can bear before its fading beat is heard no more.....only tears of love falling, forever falling........