fOW with feelings for fOM

[fawnlawn]

I had never thought of myself as the type to be the so-called other woman - the thing people speak so badly of - until I found that I was and that I really had no remorse at all. Let me tell you a bit about the situation. A few years ago there was this man that I had feelings for but I felt it was out of line to say anything about it because he had previously dated my at-the-time best friend and I guess I was a believer that it was wrong to date someone that a close friend had dated.

 

One day in my conversation with fOM he had asked me if I had feelings for him - any at all. At the time I was also speaking to a friend of mine in a friendlier way, so I lied and told him no because I felt like if we were to be involved that my heart wouldn't fully be in it, and that that would be wrong. He got with another woman who was interested about a week after the conversation. This woman had an instant distaste for me even though she didn't know me.

 

The relationship between the two was on and off, overall unhealthy and damaging to him. I could see this on his face and hear it when we would talk. Given his past relationships it seemed to be a repeat of the past and he was wondering why he could never be the guy that made the partner happy.

 

After about a year they had broken up, and for good. And that is when we hooked up. He ended up getting back with her and even though she had no clue about what happened she resorted to making him ignore me and block me on all social platforms. It was damaging to my friendship with him but we recently reconciled and I'm not sure what to do because I still have feelings for him but as a friend I am concerned for his well-being and health when it comes to this relationship that has him miserable often.

 

Somehow I do feel like the OM in the situation because we frequently would sext when it got late and they were on the verge of a break-up. I know it was wrong, but I had such strong feelings for him and I still do. I'm not sure what I should do in this situation because we are really close friends.

[purplesorrow]

I had never thought of myself as the type to be the so-called other woman - the thing people speak so badly of - until I found that I was and that I really had no remorse at all. Let me tell you a bit about the situation. A few years ago there was this man that I had feelings for but I felt it was out of line to say anything about it because he had previously dated my at-the-time best friend and I guess I was a believer that it was wrong to date someone that a close friend had dated.

 

One day in my conversation with fOM he had asked me if I had feelings for him - any at all. At the time I was also speaking to a friend of mine in a friendlier way, so I lied and told him no because I felt like if we were to be involved that my heart wouldn't fully be in it, and that that would be wrong. He got with another woman who was interested about a week after the conversation. This woman had an instant distaste for me even though she didn't know me.

 

The relationship between the two was on and off, overall unhealthy and damaging to him. I could see this on his face and hear it when we would talk. Given his past relationships it seemed to be a repeat of the past and he was wondering why he could never be the guy that made the partner happy.

 

After about a year they had broken up, and for good. And that is when we hooked up. He ended up getting back with her and even though she had no clue about what happened she resorted to making him ignore me and block me on all social platforms. It was damaging to my friendship with him but we recently reconciled and I'm not sure what to do because I still have feelings for him but as a friend I am concerned for his well-being and health when it comes to this relationship that has him miserable often.

 

Somehow I do feel like the OM in the situation because we frequently would sext when it got late and they were on the verge of a break-up. I know it was wrong, but I had such strong feelings for him and I still do. I'm not sure what I should do in this situation because we are really close friends.

 

You clearly view him as more than a friend. He had his chance to be with you why did he go back to her? More importantly, how do you feel about that? I think you should protect your heart at all cost. He's grown, let him worry about his situation and how unhealthy it may be for him.

[bathtub-row]

If you want to date someone that used to date a friend of yours, why didn't you just ask your friend how she'd feel about it? She probably wouldn't even care.

 

Btw, you're not this man's mommy and, unless someone held a gun to his head, it was his choice to get back into that relationship again. I would suggest to you not to get into the OW situation. It can be a real mess. Plus, his relationship with this woman will most likely fall apart again. Just sit back and let it happen on its own. If you interject yourself into this relationship now, it will probably keep him from leaving because he'll get caught up in guilt. Not only that, but he will lose respect for you and then will start questioning whether he wants to be with someone who would help him cheat.

 

Just stay out of it. Let him know that if he ever finds himself single again to look you up. If you do that and then disappear from the scene, he is much more likely to leave his current relationship.

[anika99]

Are you sure that you two are really close friends? I ask because he actually doesn't sound like a very good friend. It sounds like your friend uses you to make himself feel good whenever his relationship is going badly.

 

 

He's not married to this woman and he doesn't have children with her so if he wanted to be with you he could easily do so. It doesn't matter what you think about his relationship, he is a big boy and that is what he is choosing for himself. If he is choosing a messed up toxic relationship over a healthy one then he has issues that you can't fix.

 

 

You say his gf disliked you instantly and then after he hooked up with you for a short time during a break up she tried to get him to cut you out of his life even though she had no clue what happened between the two of you. I say she has great woman's intuition. She picked up a vibe from you that was telling her your interest in her boyfriend wasn't strictly innocent and platonic.

 

 

Don't waste your time being involved with this man or trying to rescue this man from his own choices. That's for him to work out on his own.

[fawnlawn]

You clearly view him as more than a friend. He had his chance to be with you why did he go back to her? More importantly, how do you feel about that? I think you should protect your heart at all cost. He's grown, let him worry about his situation and how unhealthy it may be for him.

 

Thank you for your advice. I only wish I had followed it. "Protect your heart at all cost." Oh how I did not. Since I posted, this have sort of just continued on. And it wasn't anything like having sex or sneaking around to see each other. We've been out with a mutual friend twice, we've continued to flirt, but there's also been this big aspect of checking up on one another when we notice one of us might be down; this extreme aspect of caring.

 

Or so I thought. I've spent one week recovering from a sudden illness, nearly two weeks before that recovering from jet lag, a week before that finishing my visit. So about a month ago, I think the 30th of April he had been texting me like everything was normal - but then he said he wanted to talk when he was off work and told me that (I'm in college, so like, I honestly have every social media known to man) he saw a snap on my snapchat story that said "I wish you were mine" and wanted to know that it had nothing to do with him. I just told him I had been drinking, trying to deflect. He kept at it and asked why I just wouldn't be honest. I was trying to protect my heart, I swear. But I went into it and just told him that even if it had anything to do with him it wouldn't matter. I expected him to say it would, like he usually did. Except he said "I'm just your friend. Nothing more."

 

Standing up for yourself is really hard, but I did anyways. I called him out for his mixed signals and his acting like he was going to break it off with his girlfriend, his coming to me when they were on again off again and keeping me around like I was a second option. He said I wasn't, all that nonsense. But I still didn't feel any better. I felt like maybe if I had said something that two years ago and he'd never gotten with this girl. things would be different; so that it was my fault. (I think I explained that in my OP. I told him I didn't have feelings for him, when I did, because I was at a very self-destructive point and didn't want to hurt him. I honestly have no idea how I ever thought I could.) From that point up until Sunday we hadn't really talked.

 

Sunday seemed to just blow things way up. He texted me as a continuation from a snap on snapchat that he just wanted to give me space in case I was still mad at him. Which I wasn't. I've been mad at how he treated the situation, because in that aforementioned conversation he fell asleep. This time I just really let everything out and held nothing back. I showed my best friend all of my texts and she said I was doing really good. "If it wasn't your intention then why did you? Because I'm sorry but telling someone you have feelings for them, when you don't, is seriously wrong and people tend to lie like that when they want something." He said he did have feelings for me but they slowly died out the more issues we were having. The only issues we've had were, well, none. The 30th when he told me he only wanted to be friends I stood up for myself, I was hurt, and I didn't bother trying to contact him when he was just going to be at work or fall asleep after one text. But at that point, saying we were only friends, I figured that the feelings were gone, so I have no idea what issues. "What issues are you on about. You mean YOUR failing relationship, that I listened to you about and tried to help you with - despite my own feelings I might add - because I care about you and want you happy? Yeah. I'm such a bad person and we have so many issues."

 

We got into it, he fell asleep - but apologized - he got mad for me "always" throwing his failing relationship in his face (which was one time, as quoted above) and really just talked in circles like he didn't want to say he doesn't want me in his life at all. It's like every other text had some twisted relation to what I wanted while also pointing out how our friendship was failing. He apologized and so did I, because frankly I'd rather drop it and be hurting than lose my friend and be hurting because either way, I'm hurt. But then when he said goodnight it felt more like goodbye and neither of us have reached out to the other. He blocked me on snapchat and hasn't been on social media. He's enlisted, so he's supposed to be leaving soon, and I have no idea what to do because I don't want to not see him before he leaves. My friend says he's not worth it. :sick:

[fawnlawn]

@bathtub-row:

 

I hadn't asked her because at the time, I had mentioned him in passing and she got really uncomfortable. She had even asked me at one point if I had feelings for him, and looked really upset so I just told her no like I had done with him. This was two years ago. I don't even know if she knows what's been going on or would care, because she moved and hasn't really contacted anyone.

 

The OW thing both did and didn't do as you predicted. While he was ignoring me I guess they broke up "officially" again and he really, seriously cheated with someone and she found out and stayed with him. You're right, it's definitely out of guilt. And somehow even after he told me that I thought things could be different...

 

I wish I would have followed your advice, but separating our relationship from our friendship, I just couldn't ignore that we've been really close friends. I detailed the rest of what's been going on in post #5 because I have no idea how this replying to multiple people thing works. Thank you for the advice, though, I really did appreciate it.

Edited May 29, 2015 by fawnlawn
Quick-reply doesn't attach name of person being replied to

[fawnlawn]

@anika99:

 

Oh boy. I don't know whether to say "I wish I had listened to you" or "You were right" or what. I've got some details in posts #5 and #6 because I'm still not savvy to how this forum thing works. But thank you for taking the time to tell me something real and honest. Thank you so much for that support.