Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[Gaeta]

It is sad that in 2015 there are still young women accepting abuse in the name of love. After all the work women from previous generations did to free women from abusers. Not so long ago women we're allowed to sign checks, weren't allowed to vote, weren't allowed to divorce, have a bank account to their names. They were home, pregnant and bare-feet with 10 kids in tow. Now you can leave, support yourself, thrive, block your abuser and date men all your little heart want till you find one that is worthy of your love.

 

2015: 35% of women are in abusive relationships. What is it, how come!

[katiegrl]

I think you're making a bad decision by being accessible to his contact. When you are emotionally weak, you make bad choices and men like him will see this weakness as an opportunity to prey.

 

You can love him and still care but you also need to respect and love yourself. You said you were done when he was abusive to you and yet you went back. I can't help but wonder if at some point when the drama has died and he's cried his tears, you'll soften and go back.

 

No one can tell you what to do because it's evident from your past thread that you will choose to do what you want. In the end, I just hope you stay true to yourself and realize you deserve so much better.

 

Probably will....as the way I see this from reading all these posts is...he is her "drug" of choice if you will. I have been through this....she's "addicted" to him...the highs, the lows, it's akin to playing a slot machine in Vegas! Never knowing when she's gonna get the "good stuff"!

 

She needs her"fix" ....no different from a drug addict or a gambler needing their fix.

 

They know it's bad...they know it's dangerous, they know it hurts them...but the opportunity for getting the good stuff and the "high" it gives them, keeps them going back for more.

 

I feel your pain OP...the literal aching to be in his arms again.....that safe, warm and fuzzy feeling you get when his mood is on the upswing...only to be knocked down and destroyed again...when he's decided he has had enough of you and needs is space.

 

It's a never ending cycle!

 

I wish you luck...I really do.

[elaine567]

Young and old women. Educated and non educated. Rich and poor.

Successful and unsuccessful. Introvert and extrovert.

 

All being abused, raped and killed daily.

 

It is very sad.

 

New database in UK to record deaths of women killed by men plus some case histories.

?We record all the killing of women by men. You see a pattern? | Society | The Guardian

[Gary S]

He's a control freak/bad boy. This is why it's not a good idea to move in with or marry a person for a couple of years until you really know the person. Sorry.

 

One of the main things that make a person a catch is their attitude - they have to have a good, positive attitude, and be easy to get along with. Control freaks are one of the biggest deal-breakers around, there are a lot of them out there.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Gary S

[GemmaUK]

Those are horrific stats.

 

 

Maybe to respond to your question Gaeta, for me, In all my years I had never encountered a man who was a Jekyll & Hyde before my 7 month RS which ended almost 2 years ago.

He started out as a great guy, too great even (which is obvious now). One of my work colleagues met him and she said 'He ADORES you!'

Over time things he said and did - when they got repeated and repeated - it was only then I realised he was serious and not just being jokey or a little bit clingy.

 

 

I read a book titled Dangerous Men and How to Avoid Them after we had broken up and I didn't bother to read all the way through to begin with.

One day I read up on the 'Violent Man'.

The book has a checklist or 21 traits or a violent partner.

My ex had 16 of them that I was fully aware of. I suspect he had most of the other 5 traits too but I just didn't know as I hadn't seen him display them.

 

 

 

 

OP,

I am so glad you got out but as others have said you need to cut contact completely.

You say you are not strong enough to do that yet but honestly if you still feel love for him you are not strong enough to continue with contact.

I didn't love my abusive ex, he saw to that (luckily for me). He really got at me for being wrong/in trouble for just about anything right at the point I was abut to fall for him.

His behaviour stalled me from falling for him.

Thinking back I think I said ILY when I was 'almost' there but not quite, not fully. Within a week of me saying that he massively changed.

And then he changed back to great guy for a bit - and then me being in trouble for something again - all the tooing and froing so I was confused and in limbo.

 

 

The last weekend I saw him we had a huge argument and he raised his hand to me (I only remembered that part several - about 10 - months later) but I knew that I had felt fear and the second I felt fear I ran and locked myself in the toilet.

 

 

After I ended it there was one reason I had to contact him and I had not a lot of choice. I still wish I hadn't as it resulted in a further 5 months of grief.

He desperately wanted to visit. I didn't want him here.

But he also, while we had dated he had my photos plastered all over his phone, his laptop, his truck (which he lived in during the week) and when I deleted him on FB I was informed by a mutual friend that he had modelling photos of me plastered all over his FB pages.

These pics were not even viewable to anyone but me on my own FB. He had them on public and friends view but had hidden them from my view when I was friends with him.

 

 

If you don't feel strong enough to not be in contact with him then be wise enough to read the book I mentioned above and also Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri.

The second in particular has totally changed me from questioning to knowing exactly why he did all he did to me.

I also know he never loved me and he didn't adore me. I was just his 'happiness'. His hobby.

 

 

He tried to cling on because he was out of options for someone to fill the space I had left.

[beach]

I found out about the cheating this morning. It's new. I can't function.

 

All the more reason to enforce a solid boundary by not interacting with him.

 

There are many forms of abuse. Maybe look into that...

[ddlovexx]

The other times we didn't actually break up. We're done now. He has his key back and everything. Though I long for his touch and love, the trust is gone and the damage is done.

[Eighty_nine]

The other times we didn't actually break up. We're done now. He has his key back and everything. Though I long for his touch and love, the trust is gone and the damage is done.

 

The only reason you still want him in your life at the moment is because you're in a ton of pain and interacting with him alleviates it a bit. that's the ONLY reason. once the pain subsides you'll be disgusted by the thought of him.

 

I was heartbroken, torn up, non functional, miserable, low quality of life etc. thought what me and my ex had was sooo special, couldn't keep NC etc. that was less than 6 months ago. the thought of him makes me sick now, i feel nothing for him because he was awful for me. and i'm in love with someone who loves me back and treats me wondefully! it CAN happen for you. you must let yourself experience this pain- you cant go around it, you have to go through it- someday you'll me repulsed by the guy you now think you're in love with.

[ddlovexx]

The only reason you still want him in your life at the moment is because you're in a ton of pain and interacting with him alleviates it a bit. that's the ONLY reason. once the pain subsides you'll be disgusted by the thought of him.

 

GOD I hope this is true. hahahah

 

I'm seeing a lot of bipolar in him now. He texted me in the morning to see how I'm doing, being nice etc. Saying sorry for everything, sending me pictures of his daughter. I was cold mostly. Then I said I had a question for him and he goes "Jesus, what now?" I just laughed and said nevermind, that I didn't want to talk to him if it's like that. Pushed my phone aside and he's texted me a couple times since. Not worth answering. At least I'm starting to be able to push him away and not give in when he's being even more of an idiot.

 

I know it will get easier. I haven't cried today (yet). Also told all my friends and family so they are aware and here for me, and that would make going back to him impossible anyway. I'm a baby steps kind of gal.

 

Also just bought that book... the Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How To Free Yourself From The Narcissist. Gonna shower and start on that!

Edited February 26, 2015 by ddlovexx

[Zahara]

Also just bought that book... the Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How To Free Yourself From The Narcissist. Gonna shower and start on that!

 

The answer to that is full blown NC. It's the only way.

[Eighty_nine]

GOD I hope this is true. hahahah

 

I'm seeing a lot of bipolar in him now. He texted me in the morning to see how I'm doing, being nice etc. Saying sorry for everything, sending me pictures of his daughter. I was cold mostly. Then I said I had a question for him and he goes "Jesus, what now?" I just laughed and said nevermind, that I didn't want to talk to him if it's like that. Pushed my phone aside and he's texted me a couple times since. Not worth answering. At least I'm starting to be able to push him away and not give in when he's being even more of an idiot.

 

I know it will get easier. I haven't cried today (yet). Also told all my friends and family so they are aware and here for me, and that would make going back to him impossible anyway. I'm a baby steps kind of gal.

 

Also just bought that book... the Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How To Free Yourself From The Narcissist. Gonna shower and start on that!

 

please, do not answer him! You're strong now but I bet in a few hours you start feeling sad and answer his breadcrumb messages. The whole being friendly and sweet (sending pics of his daughter) and then saying "jesus, what now?" is such manipulative d*ckish behavior. This guy isn't just an as*shole, he's seriously messed up. Make sure you see it clearly. Men like this NEVER change.

[ddlovexx]

Today is also the day that I've decided to stop blaming myself for what he did.

 

He tells me that I'm the sexiest, most beautiful woman that he's ever laid eyes on- and then he reaches out to other women? I'm surely not perfect but I'm a good person and a wonderful girlfriend. I always tried to make him happy. I'm a hard worker, I have big dreams, and maybe I care a little too much but that's who I am. Not that I am arrogant but maybe I'm "too good" for him and he needed to do that to feel better about himself. Wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Narcissistic, manipulative. I'm seeing it a little clearer than before. Who knows, there could be a bunch of reasons, but I've decided that I don't care about his reasons because there's an internal issue or 50 of them and it's NOT MY FAULT.

 

So yeah. I feel slightly better today for whatever it's worth.

Edited February 26, 2015 by ddlovexx

[CrystalShine2011]

I know it sucks to hear, but you should really actually leave that relationship. 4 months in? And you're only 80% great? You're not even out of the honeymoon faze! Someone out there will treat you better and not be so dramatic. Give him what he "wants" and pack up! That's what I would do...

[elaine567]

I know it sucks to hear, but you should really actually leave that relationship. 4 months in? And you're only 80% great? You're not even out of the honeymoon faze! Someone out there will treat you better and not be so dramatic. Give him what he "wants" and pack up! That's what I would do...

 

Read the thread.

[GemmaUK]

Also just bought that book... the Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How To Free Yourself From The Narcissist. Gonna shower and start on that!

 

 

Glad you got the book! You have another pretty new cadet right here by your side.

 

 

I wish I had found it 2 years ago.

While I was reading it I brought back all the thoughts of all the incidents that had happened and managed to get my head around each one.

 

You are sounding very determined not to go back. It's tough just now but time will help.

 

 

Was your cat happy to see you?

[bathtub-row]

GOD I hope this is true. hahahah

 

I'm seeing a lot of bipolar in him now. He texted me in the morning to see how I'm doing, being nice etc. Saying sorry for everything, sending me pictures of his daughter. I was cold mostly. Then I said I had a question for him and he goes "Jesus, what now?" I just laughed and said nevermind, that I didn't want to talk to him if it's like that. Pushed my phone aside and he's texted me a couple times since. Not worth answering. At least I'm starting to be able to push him away and not give in when he's being even more of an idiot.

 

I know it will get easier. I haven't cried today (yet). Also told all my friends and family so they are aware and here for me, and that would make going back to him impossible anyway. I'm a baby steps kind of gal.

 

Also just bought that book... the Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How To Free Yourself From The Narcissist. Gonna shower and start on that!

 

His complete turn-around from being nice to saying "now what?" says it all. These guys are great when things are on their terms or when they think they can do an about-face and go from being an ass to trying to woo you again. When it doesn't work, they're attitude changes. It's always about them.

 

I am SO relieved that you have moved out. Keep your standards very high and guys like him will stop showing up in your life.

[ddlovexx]

I just wanted to update you guys on what's going on.

 

He wanted to see me the other night to talk. I figured it was fair and I wanted to, despite it possibly not being a good idea. All he did was hug me and talk about how f'd up it is what he did. Explained his thought process, explained that it doesn't fix what he did, etc. That even though he didn't physically betray me, talking to other girls and even thinking about it is just as bad. (Maybe worse, in my opinion.) We talked for hours about pretty much every aspect of our relationship. He was really very sweet and never did anything but hug me and kiss my forehead. I know he is genuinely sorry for what he did, because I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice.

 

I told him that I love him, I can't shut that off, but right now the trust is broken and I don't think it's a good idea to be together, nor am I ready right now. He agreed but said that he still wants me in his life (and I the same). He's been texting me here and there, just to tell me to have a good day, he asked if I wanted to play pool last night (we did), and he's been really sweet. We went back to his place and watched a show and we wound up talking for an hour or two, about things we never have. Childhood experiences, the depression we've had in past years... we also had a lot of laughs. He asked me if I wanted to stay the night, that he doesn't want anything except to lie beside me. I said I wanted to but it wasn't the best idea. Luckily I'm way too vulnerable, scared, and hurt to even think about letting him touch me intimately. He hugged me and gave me a kiss and I left. I didn't even cry on the way home... I felt very strong for leaving. He texts me here and there little things, to ask how my day is or say he's thinking about me. I usually just say "That's nice. My day is okay." Nothing mushy.

 

All that being said, I feel pretty strong right now. I honestly am not ready to do this again just yet. Maybe it will taking him losing me to figure things out. Maybe it won't. Maybe he will want me back and I won't want him. I was repulsed by my last ex about two weeks after we broke up, although he was less caring than this one. So who knows what's going to happen in the future but right now I feel good being on my own. I'm going out tonight to see some music and do some networking and I like the idea of not having to worry about what I'm doing or saying and yadda yadda. I think this is good for me. I keep thinking about the freedom I now have, the possibility of meeting others (even if I'm not ready) and my musical ambitions. I need to work on myself, get myself back to being me... learn to love myself again, etc. cliche, cliche.

 

Just wanted to update you guys and thank you for all your support. It's been tough but it means a lot and I think I'm on the right track.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry. He obviously can't cope with impulsive things like this. Another guy might have found it amusing. He seems to think you are showing him up and trying to attract attention to yourself (perhaps male attention). He finds this threatening and he's letting you know how angry he is. He feels you are out of his control.

 

It sounds like this could be a pattern with him, abusing you because you step out of line. Whatever relationship you have with him and/or his daughter, this kind of abuse can get worse, particularly if he thinks he's succeeding in making you grovel and plead for forgiveness. Actually, it's a worrying trait regardless of whether you grovel or not, he's just going too far with the anger and control stuff.

 

I don't think you should have to put up with threats. I can see you are heavily invested. It might be wise to work on uninvesting yourself as soon as possible, maybe straightaway if you have somewhere else to go.

 

Whatever you decide to do, please do not plead with him or apologise. That will just send him a clear message that you are easy to manipulate and bully. What happened to his previous girlfriend, the mother of his child, one wonders?

[Zahara]

This is a man that emotionally and verbally abused you. Then soon after cheated on you -- regardless of what he said happened he was in the company of another woman in closed quarters and engaging in two other women. Not even days go by you're playing pool, sharing niceties, kissing and hugging -- you've just taught this man that he can do absolutely anything and you'll smile appeasingly. I'm speechless.

 

My ex was a cheater. He did the crying. It's what they do to rope you in. And true enough he did it again.

 

You're feeling strong because you got your fix, he buttered you up, gave you a dose of sweetness so you're on a high and feeling good that he slathered you with his words. You got a huge ego boost. That's not strong. Strong is staying away from someone that treats you badly.

 

Abusing you, cheating on you -- it seems there is nothing that will make you say enough. Self respect. Dignity. Find it.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you learn sooner rather than later.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Zahara

[katiegrl]

Zahara..I'm not surprised. He's her *drug*.. and she needs her fix!

 

I think going cold turkey is the only way to kick her addiction (to him and the drama)...but some people do fine weaning off gradually...

 

Wish her the best...

[ddlovexx]

Because he hugged and kissed me on the forehead? I'm not in a relationship with him. I'm certainly not sleeping with him. I'm not with him tonight and the last text he sent me was at 3pm telling me to enjoy my night.

 

If I "needed" him and was going back to him, now would've been the "best" time if I thought so. Since he's being so "wonderful".

 

If I wanted to be back with him, I would be. I'm not. I'm not planning on it, because I don't want to be with him. All I can think about is the things he did wrong and me makes me wanna puke. All I'm saying is that I'm taking baby steps away... I've never been a pull-the-bandaid-pff kind of person.

 

I'm good friends with my first love (almost 5 years ago) to this day. He cheated and I left. He's regretted it from day one, said all the right things... We're friends and I'm not even slightly attracted to him any longer nor would I ever see myself in a relationship with him again. I guess this is just the way I function.

[Zahara]

Because he hugged and kissed me on the forehead? I'm not in a relationship with him. I'm certainly not sleeping with him. I'm not with him tonight and the last text he sent me was at 3pm telling me to enjoy my night.

 

You don't get it. When someone abuses you don't engage with them this way. You don't teach them that they can walk into your life and play nice whenever they want. You don't teach them that their actions are tolerated by playing pool, laughing, eating, kissing on the forehead, etc. You teach them that you have boundaries. Who cares if you are not sleeping with him or texting -- did you forget what he did to you? He abused you and cheated on you and that warrants you going out with him and playing pool? Telling him you love him, you're afraid and it's too soon, you're not ready right now, etc? He deserved none of that. All you showed him was that you are weak for him and a douchebag like him will use that to his advantage.

 

If I wanted to be back with him, I would be. I'm not. I'm not planning on it, because I don't want to be with him. All I can think about is the things he did wrong and me makes me wanna puke. All I'm saying is that I'm taking baby steps away... I've never been a pull-the-bandaid-pff kind of person.

 

Puke? You just went out and spent an evening with him, being affectionate, touching, hugging, kissing. It's one thing to not be able to pull off the bandaid but it's another to have absolutely zero boundaries. And being the manipulator, cheater and liar that he is, he's probably thinking, "Damn I treat her like crap and she's playing pool with me!"

 

Take baby steps. You didn't have to see him. If you wanted so bad to talk to him, and find your answers/closure, do it over the phone. Implement a boundary. Listen and get off. Then keep a distance. Come here and seek help. Try to work through the pain. Attempt NC. Baby steps in the right direction.

 

I'm good friends with my first love (almost 5 years ago) to this day. He cheated and I left. He's regretted it from day one, said all the right things... We're friends and I'm not even slightly attracted to him any longer nor would I ever see myself in a relationship with him again. I guess this is just the way I function.

 

This has nothing to do with your ex. This asswipe kicked you out of his home in the middle of the night when you had no place to go. He slept through the night never even wondering if you were gone, if you were upset, if you were devastated. He verbally abused you. He slept through while you were in pain. Then the next day abused you all over again. Top it off, he quietly was playing behind your back with other women. All in a span of a 4 month relationship. If this is the way you function, you better start changing it because you're going to start a very bad pattern for yourself.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Zahara

[SawtoothMars]

Because he hugged and kissed me on the forehead? I'm not in a relationship with him. I'm certainly not sleeping with him. I'm not with him tonight and the last text he sent me was at 3pm telling me to enjoy my night.

If I "needed" him and was going back to him, now would've been the "best" time if I thought so. Since he's being so "wonderful".

If I wanted to be back with him, I would be. I'm not. I'm not planning on it, because I don't want to be with him. All I can think about is the things he did wrong and me makes me wanna puke. All I'm saying is that I'm taking baby steps away... I've never been a pull-the-bandaid-pff kind of person.

I'm good friends with my first love (almost 5 years ago) to this day. He cheated and I left. He's regretted it from day one, said all the right things... We're friends and I'm not even slightly attracted to him any longer nor would I ever see myself in a relationship with him again. I guess this is just the way I function.

 

For what it's worth... I think he was being horrible because he was cheating. I think he felt really guilty and took that out on you.

 

I also think you guys moved in together WAY too fast and he clearly needed his space. He freaked out and the result was finding a way out of the relationship.

 

Also, this guy has obviously had some really bad relationships in the past. If his eX was such a bad junkie she lost custody of their child I cannot even begin to imagine all of the kind of drama he has learned to live with.

 

I'm not sure you ever explained if you were dancing with someone or not... in that video that created this dramatic split. Were you dancing alone or with someone?

[katiegrl]

ddlove...what I'm not getting is why you're NOT absolutely furious?!!

 

Zahara is right on...he abuses you emotionally, more than once, cheats on you, etc....and you're out playing pool with him, having long "meaningful" conversations at his home, hugging him, kissing him and telling him you love him?

 

If my boyfriend treated me like that...even ONCE, I would be furious!! I'd have blocked him, deleted him, and NOT allowed him any access to me in any way, shape or form. Ever!

 

Why aren't YOU furious? You should be! And the fact you're not is very troubling.

 

And don't think he doesn't know how weak you are either. Abusers are very skilled at picking their targets. And lest you think otherwise...all his so-called "niceness" and sudden "self- awareness" is all manipulation...to reel you back in slowly and methodically....after which things might be great for awhile...until he gets bored with you, needs his space, and the abuse (and cheating) starts all over again.

 

THIS is what he is thinking right now. That it's just a matter of time, and if he's "nice" enough and "sweet" enough for awhile...you'll go back.

 

That's what he's thinking... it's what YOUR behavior has taught him to think! Ugh.

[Macattack]

He's being a douche however you were being an attention freak. He is upset probably because his coworkers and /or friends are making comments about you? Isn't being with him enough do you really need to do think of thing.

 

I am wonder what kind of comments you were getting. I think it's more than you are telling us.