Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[Noproblem]

Keep on being his door mat, you are perfect in doing that!

 

What relationship, it's just a four month acquaintance!

 

He always gonna do that to you

 

he is always gonna hurt you like this

 

if you wanna live like this for the so called love you have for him

 

be my guest, but in this thing you have together

 

he's gonna be the master and you gonna be the slave!

[KatZee]

You're not on the right path. Whatsoever.

 

Sad truth? He knows how to play you, that's it. You have no boundaries, zero respect for yourself, no love for yourself, and he knows how to play with that.

 

Do you honestly think he cares about you? At all? He doesn't. You know why he needs you around? You're someone who will accept his abuse. He wants a warm body, companionship, but he is fundamentally broken. All sane, rational, and respect-filled women do not remain with him.

 

You're a target, you're prey. You're something that strokes his ego and makes him feel like a big bad man. You're easily manipulated and honestly, women like you have a bright flashing sign on your forehead. Predators can sniff you out real fast.

 

He knows you won't leave, despite all your hemming and hawing about how you won't be with him. Of course you will, who are you fooling? Your post specifically says: "I'm not ready yet." So you DO have intentions of slowly going back.

 

You know what he thinks when he gets you to be "cute" with him, talk for hours, let him kiss you, go do things together? He thinks how easy you are to fool. He laughs at you. He most certainly doesn't respect you, and he most certainly isn't sorry. Abusers are some of the best liars and best actors/actresses you will ever see.

 

I'm sorry to say, you're never going to see it: until something truly horrible happens.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with the others that you absolutely have to rip this plaster off.

 

 

No matter what he has said how much he has apologised he is still a toad and always will be one.

Frogs can turn into princes, toads don't.

 

 

He is a manipulator. Never forget that.

 

 

The other thing to think about is that you need to know what the 'plaster ripped off' part feels like. Sticking around like you are - it is an addiction - it was for me too. I attempted breaking up with my ex 4 times before I achieved it. Part of me was so baffled by him that and I hate to admit it but I wanted to see what he would come up with next time he turned from Jeckyll to Hyde.

My 4th attempt at breaking up worked because I sent him a text to end it so that he could not speak to me and talk me around - and then I went no contact. Only then contacting him a month later when I had no choice to over something. He was back on my case again and again I just went NC.

 

 

You need to learn that ripping the plaster is getting your self respect back and telling him what he did was wrong.

He doesn't care about words and how you feel when you explain how you felt about things.

Words are just his manipulation tool so he doesn't take them seriously.

He wont take your words seriously because:

 

 

1. He has no respect for you as a human being.

2. He has no respect for you as a human being.

and

3. He has no respect for you as a human being.

[Eighty_nine]

I agree with everything zahara and other posters saying.

 

You're having this pleasant "friendship" because he's a master manipulator. None of the nice time you've spent playing pool and chatting is real. NONE. He's setting you up to do all of the same things he's been doing to you.

 

He's a cheater, abuser, liar, and most of all - master manipulator. He will never ever ever ever change.

 

I'm also friends with my first love, who wasn't great to me at the end. But we didn't speak for a couple years after it ended. You CAN NOT be friends with this POS right now.

[katiegrl]

ddlove...just wanted to say that although our posts sound harsh, we really do care....at least I do.

 

I have seen this before ... soooo many times and it always ends the same. Or worse even...because in many, if not most, cases the emotional abuse escalates to physical....which then puts the woman in physical danger.

 

You don't think *your* guy could ever hurt you physically? Think again!

 

I know what you're thinking. That he is damaged, depressed, traumatized in the past, never felt loved, was abused himself in the past, or whatever it is..... and you're gonna swoop in, and with enough love, understanding and support, you will somehow save him and fix him, make it all better for him....after which you will be rewarded with all HIS love...forever and ever...and you will ride off into the sunset together living happily ever after!

 

Oh how I DO know how that story goes. Problem is....it NEVER goes that way!!!! This man is incapable of a healthy love. He is incapable of a healthy, mutually-rewarding loving, caring, supportive relationship. Isn't that evident to you at this point? I mean, your *relationship " is ONLY four months in!!! And this crap is happening?

 

Come on girl, what are you thinking???!!

 

Walk away from this douchebag once and for all. And by walk away, I mean even a *friendship*. You can't be friends and you know that...and so does he.

 

He doesn't love you nor does he RESPECT you....how can he? When clearly you have no respect for yourself!

 

Yes it will be hard... you will experience withdrawal symptoms... just like you do when attempting to kick any other toxic relationship... whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.

 

Kicking a toxic "love" relationship is NO different.

Edited March 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[elaine567]

He showed his true colours, you walked away, he now has to get his "victim" back.

 

He is now constructing a beautiful web, full of bright shimmering colours and sparkling jewels, the road he has made to the web is shiny and new.

You are a bit hesitant, but the firmness of the road, the dazzling flowers and the sturdy trees he has planted just for you are calming you down.

You are walking forward and the loveliness of the scene before you is captivating.

There is a life with this man, the horrors were in your mind, you see the beautiful web with its gleaming colours and you are no longer afraid.

He reaches out his hand, and you take it, he caresses your wrist, you feel wonderful.

He transfers his grip and he pulls you towards him. You lean forward to kiss him, but his face is no longer kind, he is no longer smiling, he pushes you and you fall headlong into the web.

The shimmering colours, suddenly dim, you look around bewildered.

You are trapped.

He shows you his fangs and he sucks you dry...

[ddlovexx]

The reason I'm not so angry is because Im just not that kind of person... Meaning I try to let go of toxic feelings ASAP. I read a lot of Zen Buddhism and stuff like that in an attempt to keep my heart and mind easy. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday afternoon, I miss him but I know it's best not to see him and I'm missing an imaginary person, and for the 10th time I don't want to be with him. He can try and kiss me and say every word and though I'd break down, I honestly don't have the trust or want to get back with him. Doesn't matter how much I love him. I'll always be wondering what he's doing/saying behind my back. I get you guys are trying to help but I literally just stated that I'm not going back to the relationship... I'm hurting so bad. Sigh.

[elaine567]

The reason I'm not so angry is because Im just not that kind of person... Meaning I try to let go of toxic feelings ASAP. I read a lot of Zen Buddhism and stuff like that in an attempt to keep my heart and mind easy. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday afternoon, I miss him but I know it's best not to see him and I'm missing an imaginary person, and for the 10th time I don't want to be with him. He can try and kiss me and say every word and though I'd break down, I honestly don't have the trust or want to get back with him. Doesn't matter how much I love him. I'll always be wondering what he's doing/saying behind my back. I get you guys are trying to help but I literally just stated that I'm not going back to the relationship... I'm hurting so bad. Sigh.

 

You need to go NC, as that is the only way you will heal. You need to get past the missing him stage and you can only do that if you do not see him, do not hear from him and do not know what he is doing.

You then learn to live without him and suddenly you will no longer miss him.

[katiegrl]

Well anger comes in all shapes and sizes. And contrary to what you have been taught through readings of Buddhism.. it's a very healthy and necessary emotion ... it's but one necessary emotion we all must experience when attempting to recover from a painful situation, heal and move forward.

 

Whether it be a death, end of a love relationship or any relationship...anger is necessary... we feel it..we *allow* ourselves to feel it...we process it...we eventually let it go, heal and move on.

 

If you never allow yourself to feel it, you are interfering with the natural healing process, and it will be that much harder and that much more difficult to heal and move forward.

 

A toxic feeling you say? Hardly. Feeling anger at someone or something that hurt us and/or did us or someone we love wrong...is not toxic. It's how we choose to handle our anger that can be toxic!

 

Feeling angry enough to make the decision to permanently walk away from someone who abused you, cheated on you and continuously hurt you is NOT toxic.

 

Feeling angry enough to make the decision to not have anything to do with someone who abused you, cheated on you and hurt you is not toxic.

 

Feeling angry enough to not allow an abusive person to have any access to you is NOT toxic!

 

I have studied Buddhism also and that is NOT what it teaches.

 

You are simply using that as justification to keep this asswipe (as Zahara so eloquently described him) in your life! Even if as just a "friend" which we all know is BS anyway.

 

You want to know what the real "toxic feeling" is here? It's the toxic feelings you have for this sad excuse of a man/douchebag.

 

Does your Buddhism advocate those toxic feelings? I think not.

 

I know you're hurting and I am so sorry. But would you please wake up and realize that having anything to do with this jerk (no matter how minor) is detrimental to your well being and emotional heath?

 

Please????

 

Okay..nuff said from me. I wish you well and happiness.

Edited March 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[Zahara]

Meaning I try to let go of toxic feelings ASAP. I read a lot of Zen Buddhism and stuff like that in an attempt to keep my heart and mind easy.

 

That's an excuse to be intouch with him.

 

Keeping your heart and mind at ease would mean staying away from what is destructive to you. You wanted a fix and you got it. I don't think the teachings of buddhism advocate for one to seek peace in an abuser.

 

I know you are hurt but your "love" and pain are not justifications to be in touch with this man.

 

Go back and read your thread from start to finish. You need a reminder of what your reality is.

[CarrieT]

If you don't want to be with him, why spend time with him?

 

I wish you could see how destructive it is...

[bathtub-row]

dd, I actually understand what you did and why you did it. I've done it many times myself. I detest ending relationships on a bad note and I hate carrying around feelings of anger. I actually have a very difficult staying angry and even though I think that's a really good thing, it has backfired on me several times, too. Now that I'm aware of it, that has helped. I don't stay angry but I've learned to be cautious.

 

But I can see where my actions have created problems in my life, so I also understand what the others here are saying. I can see where my understanding nature has backfired on me many times. In hindsight, I can look back on some of my past relationships and understand now why others around me were so frustrated. I can see that if I had stronger boundaries, I would've behaved differently.

 

It is very hard to disconnect from someone we love. Sometimes we have to do it in our own way, even when it makes no sense to anyone else. I still think that what the others are saying to you has a lot of truth in it but I'm personally very proud of you for not caving in and knowing that you are not willing to just start trusting again when your trust has been betrayed.

[Eighty_nine]

no updates worries me- hope she's not back with this guy

[beach]

The reason I'm not so angry is because Im just not that kind of person... Meaning I try to let go of toxic feelings ASAP. I read a lot of Zen Buddhism and stuff like that in an attempt to keep my heart and mind easy. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday afternoon, I miss him but I know it's best not to see him and I'm missing an imaginary person, and for the 10th time I don't want to be with him. He can try and kiss me and say every word and though I'd break down, I honestly don't have the trust or want to get back with him. Doesn't matter how much I love him. I'll always be wondering what he's doing/saying behind my back. I get you guys are trying to help but I literally just stated that I'm not going back to the relationship... I'm hurting so bad. Sigh.

 

If you are capable of letting it go and not intending to be with him - why is it worth your time and energy to have any communication with him?

 

It looks like you'd be better off being free of him - and more open to finding a new love interest.