Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[Zahara]

The baby is at his parents on the weekends and goes to bed relatively early. I said we bicker 1-2x a week like any normal people. We are generally very happy and lovey dovey most of the time. We don't fight like this. I've tried to say that. I'm not on the lease, I'm just here. I don't think he will literally kick me out, I think he was being rash. Still, I will stay in the spare room and figure out future accommodations.

 

Even if he comes home today and retracts what he said and apologizes, I think you should move out and find your own living space. It was too soon for you to move in with him because you can't really tell who a person is in such a short period of time. And him having a child and moving someone in so soon isn't good judgment on his part. There's dysfunction on both sides.

 

If you still want to continue the relationship, date him while you progress independently. Get a place of your own. Find hobbies. Create your own circle of friends. Have a separate life outside of him.

 

Being at the mercy of someone like this isn't any way a 22 year old should be building their foundation and living their life.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The baby is at his parents on the weekends and goes to bed relatively early. I said we bicker 1-2x a week like any normal people. We are generally very happy and lovey dovey most of the time. We don't fight like this. I've tried to say that. I'm not on the lease, I'm just here. I don't think he will literally kick me out, I think he was being rash. Still, I will stay in the spare room and figure out future accommodations.

 

Sweetie... you are trying to justify his behaviour by minimising the awful way he is treating you at times. When you first posted, you said this:

 

It seems when we fight that somehow it is always my fault and I start to hate myself for possibly ruining a good thing. But he also gets very cold and mean when we argue (1-2x a week, if that) How can a loving man be so hurtful sometimes? Any input would be great... My heart hurts bad and I can't sleep.

 

and now here you're saying that you bicker a couple times per week like any normal couple... bickering is arguing who is taking the trash out, it's getting exasperated because your partner didn't clean the bathroom when they said they would. It's not fighting, which leaves you hating yourself for feeling it's all your fault, it's not bickering when your partner is cold and mean and purposefully hurting you. You are trying to justify his behaviour by trying to pretend it's normal, you're in denial because to actually face up to how awful the situation is would mean you had to act and move out, so it's easier emotionally right now to sit and say 'well it's not that bad, everyone argues'. I can understand why you are feeling and behaving this way, but unfortunately it's another classic sign of being emotionally abused. Not only is he treating you like crap, he's also got you believing that you're inciting it and that it's your fault.

 

No relationship four months in should hurt this much.

 

It shouldn't matter even if he WAS being rash. Being rash is not telling your girlfriend to get her stuff together and move out. That's drastic. If a boyfriend of mine said that being 'rash' it would show that he really wasn't that invested in keeping me around, given that he's clearly willing to risk losing me permanently by being so loose with his words and actions. It's escalating and it will only get worse, you need to do your best to figure out where you're going to go, stay in the spare room if you have to while you get a new place sorted.

 

Also even if you're only fighting when the baby is asleep, it's still damaging. Kids are way, way more perceptive than we give them credit for, even when they're so little you assume they don't understand the words of the fighting. They pick up on atmosphere and it hurts them. Here in the UK, it's actually a criminal offense to be abusive in earshot of a child, even if they can't see the abuse happening, because it's recognised that hearing abuse is as damaging to a kid as watching their parents rip ten bells of crap out of each other.

 

I'm not saying that your situation is there yet, but this atmosphere is no good for her and she will be able to pick up on things as they get worse. Just saying, just because you don't fight with the baby awake and in the same room doesn't mean it won't eventually damage her too.

 

Thank of yourself and go. He doesn't want you around anymore. Has he messaged you today begging you not to leave because he made a horrible mistake? No, thought not. Even if he had have done, it will only happen again. Stop trying to tell yourself he was being rash, and start to value yourself enough that you won't stand for a boyfriend who kicks you out onto the street when you have an argument. Your self-esteem sounds like it's on the floor.

[Omei]

Sweetie... you are trying to justify his behaviour by minimising the awful way he is treating you at times. When you first posted, you said this:

 

 

 

and now here you're saying that you bicker a couple times per week like any normal couple... bickering is arguing who is taking the trash out, it's getting exasperated because your partner didn't clean the bathroom when they said they would. It's not fighting, which leaves you hating yourself for feeling it's all your fault, it's not bickering when your partner is cold and mean and purposefully hurting you. You are trying to justify his behaviour by trying to pretend it's normal, you're in denial because to actually face up to how awful the situation is would mean you had to act and move out, so it's easier emotionally right now to sit and say 'well it's not that bad, everyone argues'. I can understand why you are feeling and behaving this way, but unfortunately it's another classic sign of being emotionally abused. Not only is he treating you like crap, he's also got you believing that you're inciting it and that it's your fault.

 

No relationship four months in should hurt this much.

 

It shouldn't matter even if he WAS being rash. Being rash is not telling your girlfriend to get her stuff together and move out. That's drastic. If a boyfriend of mine said that being 'rash' it would show that he really wasn't that invested in keeping me around, given that he's clearly willing to risk losing me permanently by being so loose with his words and actions. It's escalating and it will only get worse, you need to do your best to figure out where you're going to go, stay in the spare room if you have to while you get a new place sorted.

 

Also even if you're only fighting when the baby is asleep, it's still damaging. Kids are way, way more perceptive than we give them credit for, even when they're so little you assume they don't understand the words of the fighting. They pick up on atmosphere and it hurts them. Here in the UK, it's actually a criminal offense to be abusive in earshot of a child, even if they can't see the abuse happening, because it's recognised that hearing abuse is as damaging to a kid as watching their parents rip ten bells of crap out of each other.

 

I'm not saying that your situation is there yet, but this atmosphere is no good for her and she will be able to pick up on things as they get worse. Just saying, just because you don't fight with the baby awake and in the same room doesn't mean it won't eventually damage her too.

 

Thank of yourself and go. He doesn't want you around anymore. Has he messaged you today begging you not to leave because he made a horrible mistake? No, thought not. Even if he had have done, it will only happen again. Stop trying to tell yourself he was being rash, and start to value yourself enough that you won't stand for a boyfriend who kicks you out onto the street when you have an argument. Your self-esteem sounds like it's on the floor.

 

Read this over and over this is what im trying to tell you, acrosstheuniverse is the better writer, please listen.

[ddlovexx]

He's still asleep in the other room. He'll be waking up for work in a few

[KatZee]

I said we bicker 1-2x a week like any normal people.

 

Bickering 1-2x a week isn't "like normal people." Normal couples don't fight 2x a week. That is considered excessive. It shows dysfunction, a lack of communication, and a toxic situation.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Read this over and over this is what im trying to tell you, acrosstheuniverse is the better writer, please listen.

 

You're so sweet! I just ramble haha. Luckily I'm a fast typer so I generally just write what I'm thinking and half of the time at least it comes out coherently

[Zahara]

He's still asleep in the other room. He'll be waking up for work in a few

 

I'm surprised he can actually sleep. Kicking you out and having no issues going to bed while you've probably been up all night/morning panicking.

 

If anything, within minutes he should have come out of that room and told you not to go anywhere. He would have maybe come out early this morning to check to see if you were still there or try and work things out. But he's sound asleep not affected by any of this. Able to shut himself out and just leave you to do whatever.

 

Not good at all.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Zahara

[ddlovexx]

Woke up. Walked past me... Nothing.

[Zahara]

Woke up. Walked past me... Nothing.

 

Honey, I'm sorry. No one deserves being treated this way.

 

Don't broach the subject anymore. When he's gone, pack up whatever you can and see if you can find a friend to stay with for a night or so. Get a cheap hotel room if you can. Call your parents and make plans to head back home.

 

This is not how you want to start out on your young life. Don't taint it.

 

Please find the courage and strength to walk away.

[KatZee]

Woke up. Walked past me... Nothing.

 

Yes. Still punishing you. Ignoring is another form of manipulation and control. Until you see the "error" of your ways, he will punish you to keep you in line.

 

He actually also gets off on watching you hurt, and beg for him to talk to you/forgive you or whatever else you've said. So I hope you're not trying to engage him.

[NopeNah]

You two are arguing in excess..That being said..He feels disrespected with your whatever post thing..Thus the reason I despise social media.. You've said the "sorry,ect"...dude still feels disrespect. I can see his point...no offense. But, That much arguing,that soon in a relationship, is not good.

[Zahara]

You two are arguing in excess..That being said..He feels disrespected with your whatever post thing..Thus the reason I despise social media.. You've said the "sorry,ect"...dude still feels disrespect. I can see his point...no offense. But, That much arguing,that soon in a relationship, is not good.

 

A video of her dancing is so disrespectful that he kicks her out of the home? She said she wasn't twerking, she wasn't half clothed, she wasn't provocative. Big deal. I can see if she cheated on him, abused his child -- I can understand the reaction. And if even he's upset, there is no reason to treat someone like that. There's a thing called communication and it comes in the form of two adults talking through things and coming to a resolution. You don't call them a moron, get into a tantrum and kick them out of the home.

[NopeNah]

A video of her dancing is so disrespectful that he kicks her out of the home? She said she wasn't twerking, she wasn't half clothed, she wasn't provocative. Big deal. I can see if she cheated on him, abused his child -- I can understand the reaction. And if even he's upset, there is no reason to treat someone like that. There's a thing called communication and it comes in the form of two adults talking through things and coming to a resolution. You don't call them a moron, get into a tantrum and kick them out of the home.

Apparently...to him...yes it was.

[Zahara]

Apparently...to him...yes it was.

 

Apparently to you too in that you can see his point of view.

[NopeNah]

Apparently to you too in that you can see his point of view.

 

I'd have to see the video to make my own judgment.

[Zahara]

I'd have to see the video to make my own judgment.

 

Well, then you assumed too soon that he was justified in feeling disrespected.

[NopeNah]

and...remember...there's three side's to every story.

[Zahara]

and...remember...there's three side's to every story.

 

Of course there is three sides to a story. None of which should tolerate abuse.

[ddlovexx]

So, he told me I can shut the **** up or get out. I said don't talk to me like that and he said "I'll talk to you however the **** I want. I don't have the time or energy or respect to deal with you right now."

 

I couldn't be hurting any more than I am in this moment.

[NopeNah]

Well, then you assumed too soon that he was justified in feeling disrespected.

His actions show that he felt disrespected. Justified or not.

[NopeNah]

So, he told me I can shut the **** up or get out. I said don't talk to me like that and he said "I'll talk to you however the **** I want. I don't have the time or energy or respect to deal with you right now."

 

I couldn't be hurting any more than I am in this moment.

Bounce! I was in an verbally abusive relationship...twice.. Bounce!

[Zahara]

His actions show that he felt disrespected. Justified or not.

 

And you supported it by saying you would feel the same way and then note you would have to watch the video first to make your judgment. But you already did.

[NopeNah]

And you supported it by saying you would feel the same way and then note you would have to watch the video first to make your judgment. But you already did.

uhh..no.. I made my assumption on his actions.

[Zahara]

So, he told me I can shut the **** up or get out. I said don't talk to me like that and he said "I'll talk to you however the **** I want. I don't have the time or energy or respect to deal with you right now."

 

I couldn't be hurting any more than I am in this moment.

 

OP, can you call your parents? Do you have family or friends nearby? Do you have money where you can get a hotel room somewhere? You need to get out of there.

 

While he is at work, please pack your things and move out.

 

Don't engage with him anymore and stop trying to mend it. As Katzee mentioned, he is getting off on you being submissive to him. It's about control. The longer this goes on, the more he will break you down.

 

Please, call your parents and let them help you.

[KatZee]

So, he told me I can shut the **** up or get out. I said don't talk to me like that and he said "I'll talk to you however the **** I want. I don't have the time or energy or respect to deal with you right now."

 

I couldn't be hurting any more than I am in this moment.

 

So what exactly is your course of action here?

 

Continuing to post more examples of how you're being abused? Or are you going to go do something about it? IE: pack up your things, stay with a friend, and return back to your hometown?

 

You don't treat someone you claim to love this way. You certainly don't openly say you don't respect them. I think this should be the wake up call for you. He is no good for you, doesn't matter how many "good times" you've had.