Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[ddlovexx]

Im in TN, my parents are in NJ. I can't just up and leave to NJ I have too much stuff here and I moved here to pursue music.

 

I sent him this:

"When you love someone, you work it out. I took the video down, I apologized even though it was innocent. You can be upset all you want but come home and talk to me like an adult. You ignore me, kick me out, verbally and emotionally abuse me, and you literally don't care. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. All the times you said we'd be together and work through things, that you'd always love me and never leave, was it all a lie? I'm truly sorry for my wrong doings but you've literally broken my heart Bryan. I'm more sorry that I allowed you to disrespect and abuse me after all I've done is love you. I guess I'll stay in the spare room until I get the means to get my old apartment back."

 

I can try and spend a night or two at a friends... but I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway. Or eat. Or function.

[NopeNah]

So what exactly is your course of action here?

 

Continuing to post more examples of how you're being abused? Or are you going to go do something about it? IE: pack up your things, stay with a friend, and return back to your hometown?

 

You don't treat someone you claim to love this way. You certainly don't openly say you don't respect them. I think this should be the wake up call for you. He is no good for you, doesn't matter how many "good times" you've had.

 

Agreed...leave! This is toxic for you.

[newlyborn]

So, he told me I can shut the **** up or get out. I said don't talk to me like that and he said "I'll talk to you however the **** I want. I don't have the time or energy or respect to deal with you right now."

 

I couldn't be hurting any more than I am in this moment.

 

he is immature, disrespectful, impulsive, and abusive. and he wants you out.

 

you are posting as if the biggest problem here is that your bf is being mean. the fact is that you have lost your place of residence, have no steady source of income, and live far away from your family. these are the problems that need your attention now.

[Zahara]

Im in TN, my parents are in NJ. I can't just up and leave to NJ I have too much stuff here and I moved here to pursue music.

 

I sent him this:

"When you love someone, you work it out. I took the video down, I apologized even though it was innocent. You can be upset all you want but come home and talk to me like an adult. You ignore me, kick me out, verbally and emotionally abuse me, and you literally don't care. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. All the times you said we'd be together and work through things, that you'd always love me and never leave, was it all a lie? I'm truly sorry for my wrong doings but you've literally broken my heart Bryan. I'm more sorry that I allowed you to disrespect and abuse me after all I've done is love you. I guess I'll stay in the spare room until I get the means to get my old apartment back."

 

I can try and spend a night or two at a friends... but I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway. Or eat. Or function.

 

I suggest you go to your friends house and stay there for a couple of nights. There is no need for you to be in the home when things are so heated right now. Go to your friends, be around people that can lend support and try to help you figure out a way to get out of this. Use that space to gain some clarity. In the meantime, call your apartment and see if they have anything available or start looking through apartment availability around your area. Sometimes they have units available right away.

 

No more writing letters or sending texts. No more negotiating or trying to make him realize his wrongdoing. And please, if he comes back crawling in a day or two, please don't go back OP. This is a sign of things to come if you go back to him.

[KatZee]

I sent him this:

"When you love someone, you work it out. I took the video down, I apologized even though it was innocent. You can be upset all you want but come home and talk to me like an adult. You ignore me, kick me out, verbally and emotionally abuse me, and you literally don't care. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. All the times you said we'd be together and work through things, that you'd always love me and never leave, was it all a lie? I'm truly sorry for my wrong doings but you've literally broken my heart Bryan. I'm more sorry that I allowed you to disrespect and abuse me after all I've done is love you. I guess I'll stay in the spare room until I get the means to get my old apartment back."

 

I'm going to save you a lot of grief and effort by telling you this right here and now. Abusers do NOT care what you have to say. They most certainly don't, can't, and won't relate to any of the above you just posted.

 

In his mind, you're a thing. You're just a thing that he has around to fulfill whatever needs he may have at this moment. The second you stop fulfilling that need and you are no longer of any use to him, he will toss you out like garbage.

 

I don't say this to be mean, but to show you what the mentality of an abuser is. I was with an emotional abuser for 3 years. After three years and after our relationship degraded to such a low point, he just up and left. He didn't care that I wanted to work on the relationship. He didn't care that he hadn't been respectful to me, he didn't care that he had been cruel.

 

All he cared about was that now I had become too much trouble than it was worth, and he tossed me out like a used tissue. He no longer had any need for me, I no longer served a purpose for him.

 

In his eyes, nothing he does is wrong. In fact, it's only because of YOU that he acts this way. He will never take personal accountability for his actions. In his mind, he doesn't have a choice in how he treats you, you push him to treat you like crap. If you hadn't done X, Y, or Z he wouldn't have said the things he did, he wouldn't have screamed in your face, cursed you out, thrown you out.

 

Save your breath. ENOUGH. Stop engaging with him. If you keep poking a ticking time bomb with a stick, IT. WILL. EXPLODE. I'm not quite sure why you can't just stop. This situation can and will turn much worse, VERY quickly. Take what is important for you to have, and REMOVE YOURSELF from the situation.

 

Stop acting like a victim. He's LOVING the fact you're coming off so weak and pitiful right now. How you're all "awww I've loved you so much, I've done nothing but love you." You're honestly fueling him right now. You're not fixing anything, you're making it much, much worse.

[ddlovexx]

I have a friend I can stay at for a night or two until things calm down. I can get my old job back, I spoke to my boss. We'll take it from there. I'll still need to save up a couple weeks before I move out... but he works so often that it's easy to avoid him because he's only home at night. On his days off, I'll go somewhere or pick up extra hours at work.

 

I'm posting to vent, to help myself feel better, to keep you updated... not because I don't know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. I'm just trying to find the strength.

[newlyborn]

I have a friend I can stay at for a night or two until things calm down. I can get my old job back, I spoke to my boss. We'll take it from there. I'll still need to save up a couple weeks before I move out... but he works so often that it's easy to avoid him because he's only home at night. On his days off, I'll go somewhere or pick up extra hours at work.

 

I'm posting to vent, to help myself feel better, to keep you updated... not because I don't know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. I'm just trying to find the strength.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

sending you lots of strengths. you can do this, OP. you're worth it!

[KatZee]

I have a friend I can stay at for a night or two until things calm down. I can get my old job back, I spoke to my boss. We'll take it from there. I'll still need to save up a couple weeks before I move out... but he works so often that it's easy to avoid him because he's only home at night. On his days off, I'll go somewhere or pick up extra hours at work.

 

I'm posting to vent, to help myself feel better, to keep you updated... not because I don't know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. I'm just trying to find the strength.

 

If the plans are in motion then you clearly have the strength.

 

Your old job is lined back up, you have a place to stay.

 

I personally wouldn't even wait the 2 weeks. Can you ask your parents to loan you some money? I'm sure they will want you to be safe over some insignificant cash. You can pay them back once you start your old job up again.

[ddlovexx]

Also, he replied saying "I said I don't want to talk at the moment so stop" and I replied "We're not talking. You wanted me gone and I'm going."

 

He didn't answer which is fine by me. I'm gonna try to pick myself up. Not talk to him, etc. Won't be easy but I at least know I don't deserve this. I never saw it coming but I'm trying not to think about how sweet he once was... trying to tell myself that if he did love me, this wouldn't be happening. And even though I don't believe it right now... I deserve to be loved.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Im in TN, my parents are in NJ. I can't just up and leave to NJ I have too much stuff here and I moved here to pursue music.

 

I sent him this:

"When you love someone, you work it out. I took the video down, I apologized even though it was innocent. You can be upset all you want but come home and talk to me like an adult. You ignore me, kick me out, verbally and emotionally abuse me, and you literally don't care. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. All the times you said we'd be together and work through things, that you'd always love me and never leave, was it all a lie? I'm truly sorry for my wrong doings but you've literally broken my heart Bryan. I'm more sorry that I allowed you to disrespect and abuse me after all I've done is love you. I guess I'll stay in the spare room until I get the means to get my old apartment back."

 

I can try and spend a night or two at a friends... but I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway. Or eat. Or function.

 

Listen to yourself, you are even in that message begging him to reconsider. You're going on and on about how you apologised for what you did wrong, you apologise again, even though you've told us you don't feel you did anything wrong at all (and most of us here agree). The more you tell him 'you don't care' the more subservient he will see you to be. He doesn't care, and he isn't going to. The 'I guess I'll stay in the spare room' is you screaming out to him that you will happily go back to being with him if only he apologises enough. Be sure of yourself, don't 'I guess I'll stay in the spare room', actually start making a move to moving to some place that's safe.

 

As other posters have highlighted, you are absolutely fixating on the fact your ex is a jackass, and it's blinding you to the real immediacies you are facing right now. You need to find somewhere else to stay, and you need to find a means of income. The music career is irrelevant when you are going to be sleeping on the streets or in a hostel. Move back home if you can, if your parents will have you back you're luckier than an awful lot of people, don't be so quick to turn down that opportunity. Or go and stay in a shelter for a while, whatever it takes.

 

But you don't seem to realise that you urgently need to move out now, it's his home and he doesn't want you there. Don't hang around for things to get even nastier and for him to try and make you leave.

[Zahara]

I have a friend I can stay at for a night or two until things calm down. I can get my old job back, I spoke to my boss. We'll take it from there. I'll still need to save up a couple weeks before I move out... but he works so often that it's easy to avoid him because he's only home at night. On his days off, I'll go somewhere or pick up extra hours at work.

 

That's great news that you can get your job back. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Yes, stay out of his way and do your best to try and get out. Chances are in a few days he'll come running back when he realizes he's not in control anymore. And I hope you stay strong. He'll likely say he won't do it again, but that's what they always say.

 

I'm posting to vent, to help myself feel better, to keep you updated... not because I don't know what I need to do. I know what I need to do. I'm just trying to find the strength.

 

Yes, we understand that but sometimes when you're emotionally distraught, there's a chance that you'll falter and make a bad decision. Most of us here at some point in our lives have been in situations like yours and the advice given is only to help and make you see and not to pull your down even more.

 

Stay strong hun and keep posting.

[KatZee]

I never saw it coming but I'm trying not to think about how sweet he once was... trying to tell myself that if he did love me, this wouldn't be happening. And even though I don't believe it right now... I deserve to be loved.

 

You need to also drill into your head that this guy was NEVER genuinely sweet to you. It was an act. An act to get you to fall for him, an act to try to keep you around, an act to keep his needs being met. Nothing about this was ever genuine, as hard is that is to wrap your head around.

 

This is how abusers behave. They will never really relate to you the way you relate to them. They are not capable of real true love, they only "love" as much as they know how, which isn't much, or real love at all.

[CarrieT]

So, we've been together 4 months. Living together almost a month

This is why it is best to get to know someone for a FULL YEAR - through all four seasons - before living with them...

 

You might have figured out his issues before all this and could have ended the relationship without this drama.

 

Sorry, but it is quite obvious you two are not compatible and it is time to move out and move on.

[Zahara]

Also, he replied saying "I said I don't want to talk at the moment so stop" and I replied "We're not talking. You wanted me gone and I'm going."

 

He didn't answer which is fine by me. I'm gonna try to pick myself up. Not talk to him, etc. Won't be easy but I at least know I don't deserve this. I never saw it coming but I'm trying not to think about how sweet he once was... trying to tell myself that if he did love me, this wouldn't be happening. And even though I don't believe it right now... I deserve to be loved.

 

It's called a mask. They are "sweet" to you when it's an attempt to get you where they need you to be. They have to be "sweet" to get you to like them, love them, accept them, and the moment you do and they know that they're able to control you, their true "core" starts to emerge. The mask will fall. He will show you his core. This is who he truly is.

 

Someone that is "sweet" is consistent in their behavior. They aren't sweet today and a monster tomorrow. That's when it isn't genuine. It's a false persona made to entice you, a cover up.

 

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated gently and kindly. You deserve to be treated with compassion and empathy -- especially by someone that claims to love you.

 

I believe you said he has a daughter. I shudder to think how he will treat her or the impressions he will leave on her.

[Diezel]

 

So, we've been together 4 months. Living together almost a month (he asked me).

 

As loving and wonderful as he is, he can also be mean and very hurtful.

 

Run. Now. While you can. Run as fast and as far away from him if you can. You basically went through about 4 years of a relationship in 4 months. It's NOT going to get better with him, EVER.

[beach]

Newly born, he will be gone all day which is the equivalent. I came home late last night so I'm insure if alcohol was in play when he said it but I'd like to hear him say it again if he wants me to leave. I'm weird, I know. I can't just leave like that though

 

He told you to leave. Why haven't you moved?

[Gaeta]

OP do not stay there. Leave right now and do not come back. Call a women's shelter and tell them you are scared, desperate, alone, no family around and they will come and get you.

[beach]

I don't see him as being abusive. He's basically told her to pack and leave - to which she should.

 

She didn't know him well enough to live with him.

 

Find a place of your own. A place where you feel safe and secure.

 

He obviously has his idea of what is acceptable and it doesn't match yours.

 

But now that you know - and he has been clear about you leaving and him not wanting to discuss it further = you need to leave ASAP... Even if it means you go to a hotel.

 

Get ALL your stuff out TODAY - that way there's no reason to return because you "forgot" something.

 

You dodged a bullet - he's a poor communicator and you move in without knowing him well enough.

[KatZee]

I don't see him as being abusive. He's basically told her to pack and leave - to which she should.

 

Then you have a lot of reading up to do on emotional and mental abuse. Many abuse survivors would say that emotional abuse is more painful than physical abuse.

 

Everything he's doing is straight out of the abuse handbook and the objective is to control and manipulate.

 

1. Verbally tearing down victim

2. Verbally attacking victim

3. Making victim feel worthless

4. Putting all blame on victim

5. Stonewalling

[Omei]

I don't see him as being abusive. He's basically told her to pack and leave - to which she should.

 

She didn't know him well enough to live with him.

 

Find a place of your own. A place where you feel safe and secure.

 

He obviously has his idea of what is acceptable and it doesn't match yours.

 

But now that you know - and he has been clear about you leaving and him not wanting to discuss it further = you need to leave ASAP... Even if it means you go to a hotel.

 

Get ALL your stuff out TODAY - that way there's no reason to return because you "forgot" something.

 

You dodged a bullet - he's a poor communicator and you move in without knowing him well enough.

 

 

Verbal abuse is a form of psychological bullying and its true its twice as hard to get over esp when it's coming from someone you love there's a type of confusion about yourself as a person when someone you love tears you down.

 

OP you said you can stay at your friends house for a few days have you given any thought on letting her know what's going on? about the punishments he's putting you through perhaps if she/he knows they will allow you to stay till you can return home?

 

I know if one of my friends needed to get away this I would allow so hopefully you have a good friend you should try asking.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Omei

[ddlovexx]

So, we had a few text convos. Mostly mean at first. Me telling him I'd be at a friends and him accusing me of being with someone else already... him saying he doesn't trust me. Dumb, immature stuff that I told him I wouldn't entertain.

 

He said he wants to talk after he calms down and clears his head, tomorrow night. That I'm fine to stay in the house. I said that's fine. It'll be the "it's over" talk. He won't be home tonight.

 

I know you guys are from the outside looking in... but this man WAS different. I was the girl he brought home to his parents, his sister told me it'd been years since he'd done anything like that and that meant a lot. Wanted to be a team. Did everything I've ever wanted a man to do for me, made me feel the way I never thought I'd feel. I've been love before but not like this. Would always talk about how I'm such a good person, he loves me being around the baby, I make him want to be better, etc. I know to you he is ONLY a jerk, but he was great to me until recently. I literally feel like all of a sudden he is a different person. Maybe he's really just not a great person and I tried to see the best in him. I know nothing excuses his behavior, but the point I am trying to make is that it WAS a great relationship... but maybe we're just not meant to be together. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. Maybe he'll realize he's messed up, maybe not. I can't count on it either way. It's just terribly disappointing and so, so painful. I can't eat or sleep or function. I'm going out with friends tonight but I don't know if I can even hold myself together.

 

As much as it hurts, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't care that he's hurting me. It would take a lot of me to be able to want to be with him again. Right now I couldn't trust him with my feelings, with my heart... with my body in his arms. I would be constantly on eggshells, constantly blaming myself and constantly feeling not good enough and uncomfortable. My self esteem is gone at this moment so there's that too. He'd constantly be asking me "what's wrong" and that's no good, for anyone. Nobody deserves what happened to me. I am kinda still in shock and disbelief that he said the things he said this morning... I don't understand how someone who "loves" me could do such a thing. But I guess there isn't much to understand anyway.

 

I can't help but feel terrible about myself though. I realize this is a side effect and not real but I still feel it. I guess I could never be enough for him... I'd always be "wrong and childish". He'll never be able to trust me (god knows why... I've never given him reason not to). I think he would always find me to be in the wrong, claiming my intentions are bad when they clearly aren't. I can't even say a mean thing to him or call him a name, it's not in my nature.

 

I'm trying to be strong. I can at least acknowledge that I don't want to be with him. I know this is where it ends. Hello, Mr. Depression, it's been a while... :'( I hope I can find the strength.

Edited January 24, 2015 by ddlovexx

[Zahara]

It's good that you told him you will not entertain his accusations. It's called gaslighting. This is when an abuser/manipulator will try to make you feel guilty and be accountable for his bad behavior. You stood strong. Good for you.

 

Yes, he WAS different. The guy that he was could not sustain itself. In that moment of pursuing you and living in the honeymoon, I am sure a part of him felt that he could be that guy for you. I'm sure he felt that he could love and care for you in the right way. But unfortunately, people don't show you who they really are in the beginning. If there is no consistency, it is most likely who they become after time has passed is who they really are.

 

Please don't feel terrible about yourself. THIS IS NOT A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE. He could never be good enough for someone like you. You deserve so much more than this. This was never about you. I have a feeling if another woman walked into his life, he would treat her the same way.

 

Mr. Depression will make a temporary visit. Staying with your ex would have been indefinite pain. You will get through this. You have to find the strength. You have to love yourself. If you could imagine being with a loving and kind man, being treated this way would not be it -- hold on to that.

[ddlovexx]

Zahara, thank you so much. I am sobbing. But thank you.

[Zahara]

Zahara, thank you so much. I am sobbing. But thank you.

 

I'm sorry sweetheart. I know your pain.

 

Keep posting here. It's going to be alright. You're going to get through this. Surround yourself with your friends and lean on them tonight.

 

((((Hugs for you))))

[KatZee]

So, we had a few text convos. Mostly mean at first. Me telling him I'd be at a friends and him accusing me of being with someone else already... him saying he doesn't trust me. Dumb, immature stuff that I told him I wouldn't entertain.

 

So... you told him you weren't going to entertain "dumb, immature stuff" but you instigate and accuse him of being with new women? I'm confused here. Why are you picking fights and lashing out?

 

I think neither of you are good for each other, to be honest.

 

I know you guys are from the outside looking in... but this man WAS different.

 

Says EVERY dumpee/victim of abuse.

 

I was the girl he brought home to his parents, wanted to be a team. Did everything I've ever wanted a man to do for me, made me feel the way I never thought I'd feel.

 

Do you know how many men exist in the world that will do this for you but NOT treat you like crap at the same time?

 

I literally feel like all of a sudden he is a different person.

 

No. He's not a different person. You're just finally seeing the REAL him. This is who he is. He got comfortable, he knew you fell for him, he had you, hook, line, sinker. So he was free to drop the charade and show you who he really is.

 

As much as it hurts, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't care that he's hurting me.

 

I would be constantly on eggshells, constantly blaming myself and constantly feeling not good enough and uncomfortable.

 

My self esteem is gone at this moment so there's that too.

 

I guess I could never be enough for him... I'd always be "wrong and childish". I think he would always find me to be in the wrong, claiming my intentions are bad when they clearly aren't.

 

This is exactly what an abuser goes for. These exact same things happened to me after 3 years with my ex. I was always on egg shells. It was always my fault we had arguments. He never took responsibility for anything. He broke me down. I was the one who had problems, I was the reason we weren't working out. He brainwashed me very badly and I really DID think it was all my fault! Because we had 3 years together, I did not have the strength to leave. I was stuck. I was at the lowest I've ever been in my entire life. I had no self esteem. No confidence. I was a nothing. A shell of a human being, willing to do anything and everything for this person, never spoke ill of this person, meanwhile all he did was tear me down and make me feel like garbage.

 

I wish I had gotten advice like this to cut and run instead of staying and always seeing "the best" in him. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and years with the wrong person.