Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[Gaeta]

I don't understand how someone who "loves" me could do such a thing. But I guess there isn't much to understand anyway.

 

I will comment on that part only. Too many women stay in bad relationships because 'but he loves me'. Yes, I don't doubt many of these men (women) do love their partner but they don't know how to properly love. Their love is controlling and destructive. This is not the kind of love you want.

 

Also, women's shelters are full of women that will tell you : He such a loving and wonderful man when he's not mad. I know you see your boyfriend as being different than the usual abuser because he's so nice and you had such a lovely time together at first, and still in between his fits. Honey, all abusers are like this. They are charming, kind, fun, confident, what you are describing of him is the norm with abusers.

 

You are a strong young woman. You are going to turn this around and make it a learning experience. You are young with your entire life in front of you, sky is the limit, you will find the perfect mate for you I promise.

[TG1]

I love him and there is far more good than bad. This is just a bad part. We are happy and have fun and are very comfy with each other 80% of the time and I think that counts for more than a fight. I do think this fight is very immature... I'm not blind to that. But it doesn't seem he'll even speak to me.

 

I would say give it time but then again I don't know your boyfriend but perhaps you doing what you did was a blow to his ego or to his pride

[Rita86]

So... you told him you weren't going to entertain "dumb, immature stuff" but you instigate and accuse him of being with new women? I'm confused here. Why are you picking fights and lashing out?

 

I think neither of you are good for each other, to be honest..

 

Did you misread her post? She clearly states HE was the one who accused her of having someone else not the other way round.

 

@OP Stay strong. You'll get through this!

[ddlovexx]

Yeah, Kat misunderstood. It was him, not me. Last thing I wanna do is fight.

 

He texted me asking about work and telling me to enjoy my night like he does regularly. Said he loves me. I'm trying not to think. Gonna try and enjoy my night and stay strong. Every minute is tough.

Edited January 25, 2015 by ddlovexx

[TG1]

Yeah, Kat misunderstood. It was him, not me. Last thing I wanna do is fight.

 

He texted me asking about work and telling me to enjoy my night like he does regularly. Said he loves me. I'm trying not to think. Gonna try and enjoy my night and stay strong. Every minute is tough.

 

Because what can we say you miss the hell out of him and whether he wants to admit it or not he misses you too but he can't bring himself to admit it because if he did then you guys would be working things out right now

[ddlovexx]

I know he misses and loves me. I'm just trying to be strong. I don't deserve emotional abuse and it will happen again if I stay, I'm sure. It's actually scary now that all of a sudden he's being nice... Like I'm literally scared now. It's weird. I don't wanna go through this again. Don't deserve it.

[TG1]

I know he misses and loves me. I'm just trying to be strong. I don't deserve emotional abuse and it will happen again if I stay, I'm sure. It's actually scary now that all of a sudden he's being nice... Like I'm literally scared now. It's weird. I don't wanna go through this again. Don't deserve it.

 

Yes but look at it this way, do you love him? If you do then it should be enough but at the same time tell him that if you are going to go back to him that you are not going to take what he usually does and if he swears to change then tell him that he is going to have to prove himself to you more but also I wonder if you guys have any children together? If you don't then it makes it easier to walk away but if you do then you guys will always be connected because of the child but at the same time his daughter loves you so that has to count for something

[Gaeta]

Yes but look at it this way, do you love him? If you do then it should be enough but at the same time tell him that if you are going to go back to him that you are not going to take what he usually does and if he swears to change then tell him that he is going to have to prove himself to you more but also I wonder if you guys have any children together? If you don't then it makes it easier to walk away but if you do then you guys will always be connected because of the child but at the same time his daughter loves you so that has to count for something

 

TG love is not enough, and certainly not that type of love where you think it's ok to put your partner down. This man is emotionally abusing her. He calls her names, belittles her, humiliate her. He has done it before, he's done it again. Now is enough. There is no more going back.

[Zahara]

I know he misses and loves me. I'm just trying to be strong. I don't deserve emotional abuse and it will happen again if I stay, I'm sure. It's actually scary now that all of a sudden he's being nice... Like I'm literally scared now. It's weird. I don't wanna go through this again. Don't deserve it.

 

Love isn't enough. It takes a lot more to make a relationship work.

 

He gaslights you. He shouts at you. He calls you names. He makes "jokes" about you infront of his friends even when it makes you uncomfortable. He slept all through the night when you were panicked and hurting. Woke up this morning and didn't even flinch. People like him don't change and even if there was a possibility of change, it takes a lot of effort and time and commitment.

 

He has a daughter. If anything she should be what motivates him to want to be a better man.

 

I hope you stay strong and you let him go. This was a 4 month relationship. Don't spend years and find yourself locked so deep into it that you settle for being treated less than.

 

Please stay strong.

[Gaeta]

I know he misses and loves me. I'm just trying to be strong. I don't deserve emotional abuse and it will happen again if I stay, I'm sure. It's actually scary now that all of a sudden he's being nice... Like I'm literally scared now. It's weird. I don't wanna go through this again. Don't deserve it.

 

Stay strong. This is just part of the abuse cycle. Go back to that page I posted. After the storm they are nice again.

 

The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may wrongly feel responsible.

 

 

During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, the perpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex

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[TG1]

Love isn't enough. It takes a lot more to make a relationship work.

 

He gaslights you. He shouts at you. He calls you names. He makes "jokes" about you infront of his friends even when it makes you uncomfortable. He slept all through the night when you were panicked and hurting. Woke up this morning and didn't even flinch. People like him don't change and even if there was a possibility of change, it takes a lot of effort and time and commitment.

 

He has a daughter. If anything she should be what motivates him to want to be a better man.

 

I hope you stay strong and you let him go. This was a 4 month relationship. Don't spend years and find yourself locked so deep into it that you settle for being treated less than.

 

Please stay strong.

 

But if he is dedicated to changing for you then it is worth a shot at least right?

[MidwestUSA]

But if he is dedicated to changing for you then it is worth a shot at least right?

 

Leopards and their spots.

 

 

No.

[TG1]

Leopards and their spots.

 

 

No.

 

Yes you can say that people aren't capable of change but if they really devote themselves to changing or if they really dedicate themselves to changing then who knows maybe he could surprise us all but then again I probably doubt it but at the end of the day it is up to the woman what she wants to do as far as her relationship is concerned

[ascendotum]

Did you misread her post? She clearly states HE was the one who accused her of having someone else not the other way round.

 

@OP Stay strong. You'll get through this!

 

Classic. He blows up over the instagram clip and kicks her out of his place. so she complies and goes to a friends place and then he accuses her getting on with another guy already. lol + WTF. That sort of behavior where your partner twists things around so they paint you in an negative light no matter which way, is crap. If you tolerate it, then the 'having to walk on eggshells' becomes more regular.

 

I was the girl he brought home to his parents, his sister told me it'd been years since he'd done anything like that and that meant a lot. Wanted to be a team. Did everything I've ever wanted a man to do for me, made me feel the way I never thought I'd feel.

As someone else said, the honeymoon phase were he is on his best behavior is over. Now you moved in you will see the real him. While you are the first person in years to come into his life, that can be taken as a very positive sign, it also could be a sign that this guy has issue too. You moved in too quick imo. If you move back it has to be on terms that you negotiate, which does not look like happening so far. The way this has blown up over something that is imo no big deal, I can't see this from not happening again with some other issue in the future.

[TG1]

Classic. He blows up over the instagram clip and kicks her out of his place. so she complies and goes to a friends place and then he accuses her getting on with another guy already. lol + WTF. That sort of behavior where your partner twists things around so they paint you in an negative light no matter which way, is crap. If you tolerate it, then the 'having to walk on eggshells' becomes more regular.

 

As someone else said, the honeymoon phase were he is on his best behavior is over. Now you moved in you will see the real him. While you are the first person in years to come into his life, that can be taken as a very positive sign, it also could be a sign that this guy has issue too. You moved in too quick imo. If you move back it has to be on terms that you negotiate, which does not look like happening so far. The way this has blown up over something that is imo no big deal, I can't see this from not happening again with some other issue in the future.

 

Then I would suggest taking him back but on your terms and if he doesn't comply then you know what you are dealing with

[MidwestUSA]

Yes you can say that people aren't capable of change but if they really devote themselves to changing or if they really dedicate themselves to changing then who knows maybe he could surprise us all but then again I probably doubt it but at the end of the day it is up to the woman what she wants to do as far as her relationship is concerned

 

He needs to focus on changing for the sake of his two year old.

 

 

OP has a choice, baby does not.

[TG1]

He needs to focus on changing for the sake of his two year old.

 

 

OP has a choice, baby does not.

 

Again that you are right about, the OP can only decide what she wants to do but he has a daughter too but if he has a daughter and she is connected to his daughter then again that also has to count for something

[Gaeta]

Yes you can say that people aren't capable of change but if they really devote themselves to changing or if they really dedicate themselves to changing then who knows maybe he could surprise

 

We are not talking about someone leaving the toilet seat up here. We are talking about control and abuse. People that are abusive do not change on their own, and it takes years of therapy. These men don't change. My ex was abusive to me when we were 20, and he was abusive to his second wife when they were 50. He did to her exactly what he did to me, and in some cases worse.

[Gaeta]

Again that you are right about, the OP can only decide what she wants to do but he has a daughter too but if he has a daughter and she is connected to his daughter then again that also has to count for something

 

OP has been with this man for 4 MONTHS.

 

NO It does not count for something.

[Zahara]

Again that you are right about, the OP can only decide what she wants to do but he has a daughter too but if he has a daughter and she is connected to his daughter then again that also has to count for something

 

He is a father. His focus is towards his child.

 

OP's focus is self-preservation and creating a healthy and stable environment for herself. She can be connected to his child but at the end of the day, it's not a connection that is worth fostering when the child's father is ill treating her. It's a 4 month relationship, a risk not worth taking when the red flags are already being drawn so soon.

[ddlovexx]

He's perfect with his daughter. Even when she is unruly and throws tantrums. He's always sweet to her. Maybe he gives her all his patience and I get none. Maybe that's why he hasn't had any (healthy/lasting) serious relationships for a while. Who knows. He's only been in love one other time and I'm sure it scarred him as do most relationships in some way to most people.

 

Not excusing behavior. Just venting.

[newlyborn]

OP, i am a little confused about why you would even consider staying in this. the relationship is only four months-old, and you have lived with this man for less than one.

 

while i do believe that your ex is immature and abusive, i am also concerned about how emotionally dysregulated you seem. you seem to be in quite a fog: denial, desperation, cognitive distortion. the relationship has not been long enough to cause all of this to this level. (do you have a history of dysfunctional, desperate, and dramatic love affairs?) i really think you may need some help strengthening your self-esteem and your emotional resilience -- with friends, family and perhaps a professional counselor.

 

you took a HUGE risk with yourself and your well-being moving in with a man you didn't/don't know so soon after moving to a new city. you now KNOW that the situation is dysfunctional and untenable. and it has been very brief. it is time to do what obviously has to be done. just move out and move on.

 

all of this drama is not good, and it is not remotely acceptable while a small child lives in that house. seriously.

Edited January 25, 2015 by newlyborn

[Leigh 87]

She doesn't want to leave him.

 

She just wants to vent.

 

That's all.

 

Enjoy OP.

 

I hope he ends it since you don't have the will power to. I had to have a two year bad relationship once before he ended it for me; now I wont put up with sub par treatment.

 

I am worried for you but ah well. You "love" him so I am almost certain you will stay as soon as he acts sweet to you and "asks" you to.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She doesn't want to leave him.

 

She just wants to vent.

 

That's all.

 

Enjoy OP.

 

I hope he ends it since you don't have the will power to. I had to have a two year bad relationship once before he ended it for me; now I wont put up with sub par treatment.

 

I am worried for you but ah well. You "love" him so I am almost certain you will stay as soon as he acts sweet to you and "asks" you to.

 

Bit harsh, Leigh. Her world has been turned upside down and the poor girl is in shock probably. She's still clinging onto memories of when he was great to her, which undoubtedly makes it difficult to make a clean break (I used to feel sick when I remembered the great times my ex and I had before he left me, it took some time for me to stop recalling them and eventually I don't even remember them). I agree that she seems emotionally insecure of herself, most women would NOT put up with this crap, and that moving in so soon was an error, but at the moment she's blinded by wanting it all to be okay, so of course she's finding it hard to just pack up and get out. Not to mention if you'd read the thread, she's saying that when she started it she was unemployed and had no family nearby. It's not quite as easy for her to pack up and leave as it might be in another circumstance, although she has made good inroads into it by staying with a friend and asking for her old job back.

 

Let her vent. Sometimes a poster will talk it out for a while with all kinds of differing opinions coming in, so she can take time to consider them all, work out how she thinks. When a major trauma happens, you don't just get back on your feet immediately and know the right thing to do and have the strength to do it. Maybe talking it over helps her, I know it's helped me in the past on here to see so many other people who've had similar experiences and come through it alive at the other side.

 

Whatever she decides to do at the end, it's her choice and her choice alone. She isn't duty-bound to act on whatever popular opinion on here says, it's her life. Some things can't be rushed. People could say the same about your endless threads about dating different guys, oh she's just looking to vent. You've admitted yourself you just enjoy talking about dating. When can't this poster here vent and make her own decisions, she doesn't have to move along a predetermined timeframe as prescribed by this forum.

[GemmaUK]

I know he misses and loves me. I'm just trying to be strong. I don't deserve emotional abuse and it will happen again if I stay, I'm sure. It's actually scary now that all of a sudden he's being nice... Like I'm literally scared now. It's weird. I don't wanna go through this again. Don't deserve it.

 

He will make all the right noises to miss and love you so that you believe him.

 

 

While he is being nice try to think of it this way.

 

 

Basically you are his dartboard.

A dartboard is what you are to throw his **** at whenever he wants to.

 

 

He found the perfect receptacle for throwing his darts at (insecurities at so that he didn't have to think about them - he would rather you get the blame for them so that he can take the pressure off himself).

 

 

He went out one day and bought some lovely new darts, all nice colours, two different sets, one for practice and one for when he got better at it.

Then he found a good quality dartboard which would hold them well.

He took it home, found the perfect spot and took time to hang it with care just at the right height and with plenty of space around it.

This took quite a lot of thought and effort - as anyone who has a dartboard will know.

 

 

So, he found you. You seemed like a great dartboard!

You are sweet, kind, had no problems at all with him having a young one.

He liked you because you were independent, working, place of your own and you were confident in yourself.

The other thing he really liked about you is that you are emotionally generous.

Emotionally generous people give themselves easily and sincerely. Tend to be very honest and therefore also very trusting. They are caring and empathetic.

They perfect for reassuring and forgiving slights of an insecure man. His comfort blanket. (notice here though that his reasons for choosing you appear to be all about him rather than your mutual happiness).

 

 

So, he gets to grips with his dartboard and it's fun, he makes sure it is hung right and devotes his time to learning how to play. He loves it.

As time goes on he can see how much better he is getting from the holes in the dartboard.

 

 

One day he has a bad day, he is feeling angry about something so off he goes to throw the heavier darts he has into that dartboard. He lets off his own steam and anger out on the board.

One dart goes off track and hits the wall that the board is hanging on. It makes a hole. He is now angrier at himself as he has made a mess of the wall.

He cleans up and sorts out the wall, patches it up to look like new again.

 

 

The wall is he part he cares about, the wall is the part he doesn't want to hurt. The wall is him. He has to be 'extra nice' and make an effort to repair the wall and for a while he will take care not to make any more holes in it.

The dartboard is you. He doesn't have any issue with throwing darts into the board as that is what it's there for.

 

 

The things he actually cares about are those darts and his wall.

The darts are his feelings and the wall is him.

Once the dartboard is old and can no longer hold a dart he will just get a new one.

He will always be back to throw darts though - whether it's for fun or in anger. Plus he will hit the wall again - and will be nice to the wall and patch it up.

 

 

Him being nice now is him patching that wall.

 

 

Dumb analogy maybe? Could be.

 

 

People like your bf are never going to change though OP.

Things don't get better, they get worse.

Once he has undermined you and has control over one thing then he will try for the next.

It's also massively frustrating for him when you are being strong and don't take his ****. (like a dart bouncing off the board) he will go back and try again. You will only grow in strength though if you continue to not take it.

For me, there were little things which I chose to brush aside and it was only when I was well away from my ex that I saw it all for what it was.

 

 

Just before he started to be nice this time he was accusing you of cheating - he was clutching at a straw and trying everything he can think of to make it your fault rather than anything to do with him.

 

 

The longer you stay under the same roof the more time he has to manipulate you, spare room or not.

 

 

You need to go stay somewhere else as soon as you can. I would take in any friend going through something like this without question.