readynow Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 If you were to ask all the women on this forum who had been through this to say 'Hey!', I bet the thread will go on for pages! This is classic abuse, 4 months seems about right for him to reveal himself. You're lucky you have this forum to come to for moment by moment advise. When it happened to me, there was no one, those who knew me were confused because he was apparently so in love with me. I was the only woman he took to his parents, we even got married despite him showing me this periodic 'shut up or get out' sessions. I didn't leave though, I was going to prove to him that I could be perfect and support him. We had the cycle of abuse and then forgiveness, healing and love so that when it happened again, it was always a shock to me. Even when I left, I still blamed myself for most of it. Forgive me for this but I can almost predict that OP won't leave. He'll be all sweet again and they'll be a happy family again till it happens again in another 6 weeks. Your case isn't different. What will be different is if you left now not later. This is the real him so either prepare yourself for a lifetime of abuse or just take our word for it and exit now while your pride is still somewhat intact and you still have a job and friends to go back to. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) It happened again. He told me he wanted a night to himself, I gave it to him and he flipped out. I just gave him what he wanted? Accused me of cheating on him (Im at home watching TV). Called me a whore. Told me not to be home when he gets here in the morning. Said I don't support him, he's tired of supporting me and my music/dance interests (I work 4 nights a week. I'm not a deadbeat) I've thrown a couple boxes in my car. I'll wake up early and go to my friends to sleep, he gave me a spare key. The pain is EXCRUCIATING. I want to die. Edited February 2, 2015 by ddlovexx Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 So now you know the last upheaval wasn't an anomaly...THIS is the REAL him. Get out in one piece while you can and leave what you can't take with you...things are just things, you can replace things but safety is your utmost priority now. YOU are not replaceable and he is beneath your dignity. Keep LS updated, I am truly frightened for you!:sick: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) How do I stop my heart from hurting, my body from aching? I'm in shock Edited February 2, 2015 by ddlovexx Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It happened again. He told me he wanted a night to himself, I gave it to him and he flipped out. I just gave him what he wanted? Accused me of cheating on him (Im at home watching TV). Called me a whore. Told me not to be home when he gets here in the morning. Said I don't support him, he's tired of supporting me and my music/dance interests (I work 4 nights a week. I'm not a deadbeat) I've thrown a couple boxes in my car. I'll wake up early and go to my friends to sleep, he gave me a spare key. The pain is EXCRUCIATING. I want to die. Please seek professional help. He's abusive and you may think this is ok but it's not ok. Please don't continue being the victim to this abuser. Cut off all contact and don't ever allow him to treat you terribly again. There are womens shelters - they will help you heal and keep you safe, please look for one in your area. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It happened again. He told me he wanted a night to himself, I gave it to him and he flipped out. I just gave him what he wanted? Accused me of cheating on him (Im at home watching TV). Called me a whore. Told me not to be home when he gets here in the morning. Said I don't support him, he's tired of supporting me and my music/dance interests (I work 4 nights a week. I'm not a deadbeat) I've thrown a couple boxes in my car. I'll wake up early and go to my friends to sleep, he gave me a spare key. The pain is EXCRUCIATING. I want to die. Want to guess why the mother of his child left. This guy has issues and its likely why it been ages since he brought someone home to meet the folks. You putting the instragram vid up just brought his issues out, and he now sees you as he probably thinks most women out there are, whores. Its a risk that you take when you move in with someone quickly that you hardly know...better they move in so if anything goes wrong you can boot em out and still have your own place. Back to back nastiness thrown at you, you should be pissed off over the jerk and not in sadness over him. Be thankful it was only 4 mths and not 4 yrs wasted. Don't entertain going back at all now, even if he phones up in a weeks time when he is horny & missing you and starts sucking up to you and asking you to come back. The pain you have now is only temporary unlike the ongoing roller coaster of pain of living with this guy. You are 22, you have so many options for better. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 What a horrible story! Run OP RUN! You are WAY too good for this guy. I'm sorry you are hurting but you gotta get away from him! Call your friends/family for support, and tell them what has happened. People will help you. It will get better once you are away from this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 ((hugs)) The hurt you're feeling will be a whole lot less than the hurt if you stay. Please please have no contact with him and talk to someone. You need some support. If you need to go back for anything do not go alone and make sure someone is with you. Feel free to talk on here if you can as we're all here to help and listen. Take care and good luck. xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 It's so hard to think about not being with him, not sleeping in our bed again, not seeing his daughter. ****. I feel like I can't do this. Also, the mother of his daughter was/is a drug addict... He has full custody of child. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It's so hard to think about not being with him, not sleeping in our bed again, not seeing his daughter. ****. I feel like I can't do this. Also, the mother of his daughter was/is a drug addict... He has full custody of child. Read this thread from start to finish again. You HAVE to get away from this guy. You are 22. You'll meet someone else in time. Your life has only just begun. Please run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm 24. I know. Its just that its not this easy when you're attached. Traumatic attachment. This is excruciating Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm 24. I know. Its just that its not this easy when you're attached. Traumatic attachment. This is excruciating Well, the attachment you have formed with a man you clearly didn't know that well over 4 months, is very unhealthy. Take is as a lesson not to jump into things head first. I'm sorry for your pain, but you will get over it. Stop fantasising about what you think he is and focus on what you know he is. An abusive, manipulative a$$hat you are better off far far away from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I've never been attached or in love with someone like this. I've been in longer relationships and not felt this. I wish there was a pill I could take to make this go away... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I've never been attached or in love with someone like this. I've been in longer relationships and not felt this. I wish there was a pill I could take to make this go away... Was it love or just more likely I guess limerence. What is Love, Dr. Cookerly?False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies » What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
just-moi Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. dd <3 ...sometimes it never comes to a guy ever laying a hand on you, but emotional abuse can do just as much harm I was with my daughter's dad for 14 years... I was in a good place in life, 30yo, great job, very social, brand new car, living solo in a lovely coastal rental with a reasonable commute to my city job He pretty much stayed nearly every night since we met, then we rented a house together when my lease was up 6 months later. I got roses in my garage when I pulled in after work, beautiful words, cards & gifts, but also the odd anger streaks (much further in than you!) & I always blamed it on the huge work hours he did.....his choice, & I always supported his dreams with his shop etc, tho it sunk us financially... 5 years in - surprise pregnancy. I ended up resigning from my good job after maternity leave, then we moved further from the city & bought a house I was mentally & emotionally abused...got called stupid, idiot, fat cow... everything under the sun regularly when we'd argue. I walked on eggshells making sure the kitchen was spotless before he was home from work...he was always angry. It took me a lot to get to the point of 'I'm done' ...hard decision with a daughter together, but I moved to the granny flat on our joint property. Been there for 3 years, & finally now being paid out of the mortgage. I'm now late 40s, taking a HUGE step backwards from my previous life.... from being totally independent, owning to renting, from confident with a great government job, to a good paying part-time job I've been in for 6 years (couldn't even imagine facing an interview these days ), from social to a loner ... from living somewhere quite nice to going extremely basic (& I haven't even got a place yet) My ex is keeping the house, & my daughter will stay too. She has started in a good school nearby...not sure how far away I'll be moving, but will be b=very basic Sorry to threadjack... I just truly hope really hope you will get out before you get to the point I am at...years of emotional & verbal abuse has really put me in a really bad place in every aspect of my life, & made me just a shell of who I was... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm truly in love, I know that. Maybe he is not. Or he obviously doesn't know how to love. He was first to fall and would always say it was easy because I'm such s great person, caring, ambitious, great with his daughter, etc. But you don't treat someone you love this way... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm truly in love, I know that. Maybe he is not. Or he obviously doesn't know how to love. He was first to fall and would always say it was easy because I'm such s great person, caring, ambitious, great with his daughter, etc. But you don't treat someone you love this way... - 15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes) Opens you up to those who will abuse you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 OP last night I read some old texts to my best friend. I didn't tell her everything. I have forgotten most of it. Reading those texts broke my heart because they were from a very frightened, down trodden, sad and lonely person. It was my words. My ex never laid a hand on me either. But after many years he left me broken in every sense of the word. He used me up then left. Best thing that has ever happened. Stop making excuses. Believe you me you are making A LOT of excuses for him. Get out, stay out. Be glad that you have only wasted a couple of months rather than years. This is not love in anyway shape or form. This is not a great and wonderful man in any way shape or form. Wake up and see this for what it is. Give yourself time to grieve. Go out with your friends then once you feel confident and able to accept things as they are again. Then start to date. Don't end up like just-moi and I. Just -moi. Good luck. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better (a heck of a lot better). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I asked a couple good friends to wire me money so I can get my apartment back. They didn't even hesitate... I'm lucky for that. As soon as the office opens I'm gonna call and see how long til I can get my apartment back. I'm literally sobbing in bed trying to tell myself it's gonna be okay. Life feels anything but okay. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I got roses in my garage when I pulled in after work, beautiful words, cards & gifts.... This is how they reel you in. As another poster once said, she spent 7 years of her marriage waiting for the "perfect" man of the first year to reappear, he never did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I've never been attached or in love with someone like this. I've been in longer relationships and not felt this. I wish there was a pill I could take to make this go away... It will go away. None of it is suppose to be easy. Let me demystify love for you. If you take a brain scan of a person in-love the brain activity is located in the addiction section, not the emotion section so treat it as an addiction. You are doing the right thing. I wish 25 years ago I could have pored my heart on the net and a bunch of people would have explained to me I was in abusive relationship. Instead I spend 15 years thinking I needed to be more patient, more pretty, and he'd come around. He never did of course. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It happened again. He told me he wanted a night to himself, I gave it to him and he flipped out. I just gave him what he wanted? Accused me of cheating on him (Im at home watching TV). Called me a whore. Told me not to be home when he gets here in the morning. Said I don't support him, he's tired of supporting me and my music/dance interests (I work 4 nights a week. I'm not a deadbeat) I've thrown a couple boxes in my car. I'll wake up early and go to my friends to sleep, he gave me a spare key. The pain is EXCRUCIATING. I want to die. I was thinking about you a few days ago and seeing that you didn't come back to your thread, I knew that you had gone back to him. I wondered when he would revert again and you'd suffer at his had and true enough their patterns will resurface -- he's done it again in a matter of days. It is painful. It's not easy. It's going to hurt you and you are going to feel incredible pain. It's happened to all of us. It is however not a reason nor does it justify going back to what was. If you think this is painful, imagine the indefinite pain you will feel if you kept staying with this man. Unfortunately there is no other way out but to feel what you feel and just push through. One day at a time. I'm sure Hyde will be Jeckyl tomorrow. He'll probably repent, cry, ask for you back, etc. Please do not go back to him no matter what he says. You've experienced the cycles and it doesn't get better, no matter how good, caring, loving you are. This relationship was NEVER about love, at least for him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 ddlove I am going to get tough with you because if you do not sort this out this is what the future holds for you... ready? sitting comfortably?? In the first 6 months its great, you think to your self about all those sweet things they did actually bother to do, you concentrate on the good even if it was to someone else (oh he is such a sweet father... ring any bells?). Then you slowly begin to realise that you don't actually even like this person let alone love them. By that time you are stuck. This guy has fast forwarded that. He has already started showing what a douch bag he is. Your confidence ebbs away along with all your friends. After all you hardly ever see them any more and they assume that you are happy after all you were bleating on about this bloke in the beginning... You barely see your family and you find yourself isolated and alone. But thats OK because he is there right? No. Every time you find yourself in his company you are now repulsed by him and also yourself. That great sex in the beginning is now a chore. You work harder at your relationship while he sits back and watches and complains that you are not trying hard enough to make it work. You blame yourself for everything. He blames you for everything. He locks his keys in the car - its your fault. If he over spends one month - your fault. If the sun is shining or the rain is falling you can guarantee its wrong and its your fault. But thats OK because you can go away together and have a romantic weekend right? Wrong. He can have fun and enjoy himself after all he works hard for it. You on the other hand need to catch up in the house and as its what you have always done its your responsibility. You get no fun, no help and you are on your own. After all what have you done recently to deserve it? By this point you believe yourself to be worthless, you treat yourself as worthless and so does he. You kid yourself that its ok to do that because you are being a good partner to him. he will continue to say vile things, treat you as disposable and in general make you believe that with out him you will never cope. Remember you are not in love with this guy any more. You don't even like him any more... Then when you really do need him he will be there because after all you have stuck by him right? Wrong. He will buggar off and do what he wants to do all the while blaming you for ruining his fun time because you need him... after all how dare you be such an inconvenience to him, oh you are soooo needy and incompetent. You are ruining his life! Your work colleagues will be constantly asking "why are you with him?" and you will make the same old excuses that you have been making in this thread even if you no longer believe them, because its become habit. You will not know how to cope on your own despite the fact that you have been shouldering the responsibility and you will be left in a complete and utter panic not knowing how you are going to cope from day to day. You don't think you deserve to be happy or content. You will keep your head down and try to get through each day as best you can. Then he will go or you will get to the point where you crack and you will go. You have nothing left that he can take. You are now just a shell, that is devoid of emotions, has no cash and is a boring hassle. He has used you for what he can get out of you and you have nothing left. Your health is in tatters, your so nervous all the time that you jump at the slightest thing. You cry with desperation because your afraid and you have no idea how you will cope with out him. You don't cry because you love him or miss him but because you are so afraid of the world with out him. After a while you calm down. The house gets cleaner because you can cope on your own. Your health improves leaps and bounds, your finances all come together. You start to see your friends and family again. They are pleased to see you. You make new friends. You will wake up in the mornings and look forward to the day... You become alive again. The detail of the story will be slightly different but the basics and the result the same. See it for what it actually is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I've never been attached or in love with someone like this. I've been in longer relationships and not felt this. I wish there was a pill I could take to make this go away... And that feeling made me do the stupidest things/decide the worst things for my life. And I'm old... I wish I could take back my years with my abuser. Please get out now - I wasted 23 years hoping he wouldn't hurt me any longer. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I asked a couple good friends to wire me money so I can get my apartment back. They didn't even hesitate... I'm lucky for that. As soon as the office opens I'm gonna call and see how long til I can get my apartment back. I'm literally sobbing in bed trying to tell myself it's gonna be okay. Life feels anything but okay. It's up to you to keep yourself safe. This is a good start. Hopefully you ca move today. Start gathering your things to get out. Don't tell him where you're going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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