Frustrated.

[Amberbelle1]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

[kieraglass]

Because you're in love with him, and it's not the normal way love should be.

 

These relationships are dark and hurtful and topsy-turvy and, well, wrong, on a soul level. I've been in one two and a half years. I've gotten over this part, now, but I remember being where you are. Two years ago he posted photos from an apple picking trip with his family and I burst out crying.

 

It's insensitive of them. But they don't get it, especially early on. They compartmentalize. Them, wife and kids, and us. It's the only way they can look in the mirror at themselves.

 

I'm so, so sorry you're hurting. I'd like to say it will get easier, but I don't think it does. I think after a while, in order to remain in the relationship, you just go...numb. Parts of you shut down. Stop feeling. It's sad. Be glad you feel this pain hearing about his other life, right now. It means you still feel. It's your head's way of telling your heart that this stuff is messed UP.

 

Does he know how you feel? When you tell them, they just stop mentioning things. And that's weird on a different level, because then you are left in a vacuum, wondering, knowing he's doing things with her, but not knowing what. I'm not quite sure which is worse.

[Amberbelle1]

Your post is so true, Thank you. X

 

I have not told him how I feel because even if I do tell him he chooses to ignore it....He is really bad at talking about emotions such as this. We talk about everything and anything but when it comes to matters of our affair he goes into a man cave. It's weird because I can never tell him how I really feel because I feel like he doesn't care enough to listen. He never acknowledged just how I might be feeling about things.... That's why I think it upsets me so much.

 

One day I see myself with a man who loves me unconditionally and talks to me about my feelings, and acknowledges that I am a person and I "feel" things.

 

Xx

[DKT3]

Your post is so true, Thank you. X

 

I have not told him how I feel because even if I do tell him he chooses to ignore it....He is really bad at talking about emotions such as this. We talk about everything and anything but when it comes to matters of our affair he goes into a man cave. It's weird because I can never tell him how I really feel because I feel like he doesn't care enough to listen. He never acknowledged just how I might be feeling about things.... That's why I think it upsets me so much.

 

One day I see myself with a man who loves me unconditionally and talks to me about my feelings, and acknowledges that I am a person and I "feel" things.

 

Xx

 

Not to compare women to cars, but its like having to great cars that serve different purposes. One may be fast and get you from point A to B while the other may be strong and can carry a lot of stuff. While driving one for its purpose you don't really think about the other, in fact you really only think about it when you need it.

 

Point being your married man may very well care about you a great deal, but not enough to give up his wife, she still has a purpose likely one greater then your to him. You've gone into this situation knowing this, yet with time and vested emotions you expect him to change. Its not going to happen, really your only chioce here is accept your role as his side chick or end it and devote yourself to finding a man who wants an SUV, all purpose in one.

[anika99]

Actually it's not his job to take care of your feelings and protect your heart, it's yours.

 

 

The MM enjoys what you give him and he will take what you have to offer as long as you give it to him. If you want a man all to yourself who will love you unconditionally and acknowledge your feelings then this is not the guy for you. You cannot change him.

[sunburned]

Two years ago he posted photos from an apple picking trip with his family and I burst out crying.

 

It's insensitive of them.

 

So the guy is cheating on his W and kids, but it's his facebook posts that are insensitive???

 

Got it.

[GoldieLox]

I have not told him how I feel because even if I do tell him he chooses to ignore it....He is really bad at talking about emotions such as this.

 

One day I see myself with a man who loves me unconditionally and talks to me about my feelings, and acknowledges that I am a person and I "feel" things.

 

That's 'cause he has a wife to do this with. MM usually (I say 'usually' because there are always exceptions to every rule) don't get into heavy things with their APs because they are not on an emotional level with them. Don't expect that your MM ever will. I hate to say this so bluntly, but know your place.

 

So go find that man. You don't deserve only half of a man, or one third of a man, or whatever percentage you may be getting that day. You do deserve someone who treats you as a woman on every level, not just a physical one.

[Mal78]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

 

I think MM get a false sense of security from their OW. It's like unspoken agreement that you knew what the arrangement was, you still went forward so you are "cool". Like you are "friends with benefits", he can tell you his deep dark secrets and desires and also share lighter things such as family outings and events. In his brain, "it's all cool right"? And because of such you benefit him In ways he could truly love you for.

 

I also think that anything that is said that makes you feel it is anything more than an "arrangement" is done so through passion vs. Love. Words said in passion/lust can be very convincing. This can be very confusing, yet it makes perfect sense to him. Because of this said, "arrangement" he just assumes you understand because you are "cool" like that.

 

Of course being the BS is an awful position to be in *if* you know about the A. However, I've noticed a common trend that being the OW can be just as emotionally damaging (if not more). Very few (and I have read many) OW come here to LS and get being the OW as just an arrangement that include good dates, quality time, a beautiful friendship and amazing sex nothing more.

 

Prior I envied the OW who can be independent, motivated, career driven and separate her emotions so easily. They are enpowered by not needing a man on a f/t basis, she could fill her own voids and commitment isn't needed/desired. A perfect scenario.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Its frustrating and it hurts because you would rather that he's doing these things with you. That these family activities, which are normal for the W, are the things that would rarely (if ever) be the activities that he will do with you. But that is his family, and I know you get that part, because its been that way when you entered into the picture.

 

 

He cannot (and possibly will not) change those dynamics with his family just because you're in his life. Yes, he will make time or find time to be with you, but well, you know what those times are and what activities will be involved. I never advocate checking up on MM through social media, those things are designed not for you but for their family and friends, so there's no point in looking at his or the W page because it will only hurt you.

 

 

You need to talk to your MM and make him understand how this hurts you so he will avoid talking about his family and their activities. Me personally, I really don't mind when my MM talks about his family, work and friends, this is all part of him and he if he wants to share it with me I'm fine with it. He's always wanting to know my life, my kids, work, and all the other things that I do, we care for each other and although we are not part of each other's life 100%, we try to 'see and live' the differences in our lives through sharing these things. But then again, each relationship has different dynamics. I'm just sharing mine to offer you a different view from my perspective.

[Sassy Girl]

Because you are way more invested in the relationship than he is.

 

 

My MM and I talk about our family activities all the time... He's just got back from a staycation with his which was lovely, I'm abut to head overseas with mine, we share our plans and how excited we are etc...because we are both equally committed to this relationship. Its extra, on the side - we have families that we have no intention of changing. We are equally invested. We care about each other and we each know our place in the other's life.

 

 

So he shares his stuff with you... it hurts because you are ...jealous? envious? Lonely?

 

 

It hurts because he is the centre of your world... but you are not the centre of his. Its not balanced.... or healthy.

 

 

So what's your endgame here?

[Poppy47]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

He's not doing it to hurt you.

 

He probably is happy doing that. You either move on or learn to live with it.

Ask him not to tell you perhpas/

Poppy.

[loveboid]

IMO, if he doesn't talk about emotions with you and you need that then he isn't a good partner for you period--in an affair, marriage or any type of relationship.

 

I feel like you got a dud. Sorry.

[DKT3]

Because you are way more invested in the relationship than he is.

 

 

My MM and I talk about our family activities all the time... He's just got back from a staycation with his which was lovely, I'm abut to head overseas with mine, we share our plans and how excited we are etc...because we are both equally committed to this relationship. Its extra, on the side - we have families that we have no intention of changing. We are equally invested. We care about each other and we each know our place in the other's life.

 

 

So he shares his stuff with you... it hurts because you are ...jealous? envious? Lonely?

 

 

It hurts because he is the centre of your world... but you are not the centre of his. Its not balanced.... or healthy.

 

 

So what's your endgame here?

no affair is healthy

[Sassy Girl]

no affair is healthy

 

Agreed, but I meant personally for the OP. This kind of relationship will only mess with her head and leave her worse off. And as a single woman she has the potential to have a full and healthy relationship.

[jellybean89]

One day I see myself with a man who loves me unconditionally and talks to me about my feelings, and acknowledges that I am a person and I "feel" things.

 

Xx

 

 

No, no man will ever love you unconditionally. Romantic love isn't unconditional. Just like you will never love him unconditionally. If he beat you, you would stop loving him. If you hit him, same thing.

 

The only unconditional love is between a person and God or between a parent and child..and obviously not all parents love their children unconditionally.

 

When are you gonna let go of the MM so you can find a single person to love and have them love you? The longer you stay in the affair, the more life you let pass you by.

[the_artist_1970]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

 

Until you figure out what you are really afraid of as far as committing to a person who will commit to you 100% you will always be confused, sad and frustrated. It's a half relationship and you are a whole person who longs for a whole relationship with a man who is yours and tell the whole world that you are his. His parents, siblings, co-workers, friends will know that he loves you. Love is never an excuse to stay hidden in the shadows. Love is an excuse. Love is a feeling and feelings change with time.

[MJJean]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

 

He's not "playing happy families", he is a part of a presumably happy family.

 

It hurts because you care about him.

 

It bugs you because you want to have what his wife has.

 

If you don't want to keep hearing about it, tell him! And then avoid social media where you may see pictures or comments related to him and his family.

 

He may be talking about his wife and children with you to remind you in a subtle way that he is not available and not a good emotional investment for you. In other words, he could be saying those things to remind you not to get too attached.

 

Your post is so true, Thank you. X

 

I have not told him how I feel because even if I do tell him he chooses to ignore it....He is really bad at talking about emotions such as this. We talk about everything and anything but when it comes to matters of our affair he goes into a man cave. It's weird because I can never tell him how I really feel because I feel like he doesn't care enough to listen. He never acknowledged just how I might be feeling about things.... That's why I think it upsets me so much.

 

One day I see myself with a man who loves me unconditionally and talks to me about my feelings, and acknowledges that I am a person and I "feel" things.

 

Xx

 

He's ignoring it because he doesn't come to you for emotional drama and relationship issues. That's what he deals with at home. All marriages have drama and relationship issues that need fixing at one point or another. The affair is supposed to be uncomplicated relaxing time with pleasant company and easy sex. It's the break, the vacation, from the marital relationship.

 

He may actually not care about your feelings. Some people are quite able to separate companionship and sex from emotions. He may be seeing you as a casual friend and casual friends don't talk about their deep feelings.

 

If you want a man that is 100% yours then end the affair. This MM isn't yours and while you're with him you are missing out on the chance to meet and date a man who could be all yours.

[whichwayisup]

I understand that when I entered into this situation with mm that I had to accept hearing about him doing family things.... But why does it hurt so much?

When he tells me he is going out for a family dinner or events it makes me feel angry. It makes me jealous and frustrated that he is playing happy families!

I am so fed up of hearing about it from him! Why does this bug me so much?

 

Tell him not to tell you details.

 

Though with that said, he's still going to live life with his wife and kids, do family outings.

 

Either learn to cope with it and accept that what you have with him is just an affair and invest less into him, get busy and spend time with your friends and family, do hobbies and don't make him your number one or end it. Find a single man who can be there for you 24/7, a man who doesn't have a wife and family already.

 

To you, the affair is more and you've invested so much, to him, it is just an affair and he can easily put you out of his head, go home and continue living his life.

 

I hope for your sake you wake up and realize that even though you love him, settling for less, feeling like second fiddle is damaging to you and setting yourself up for a big painful heart break as time goes on.

 

This man loves having two women to meet all needs. He's selfish and wants it both ways. This will continue on as long as you allow it to.

[Blaqwynter]

Because you want what you don't have... I gone through this..

[bathtub-row]

So the guy is cheating on his W and kids, but it's his facebook posts that are insensitive???

 

Got it.

 

She's right, though. My xMM very, very rarely discussed his wife and very rarely mentioned her when talking about things he did. They were, and still are, extremely disconnected and if I had had evidence of anything else, I would've walked. He had a Facebook account but never once posted photos of him with his wife. He was EXTREMELY careful about any mention of her and that was mostly out of respect for me. It was probably also for his own self-preservation because he knew I would've dropped him like a hot potato if he had done anything like that to hurt me. Not saying he never hurt me, but he wasn't so stupid that he did blatant things like OP mentions.

 

Your logic about cheating and how he treats the OW doesn't necessarily jive. Sometimes the MM does treat the OW with respect, as he should. Sometimes their marriages truly do suck but, like so many others, they stay in them.

 

OP, there's no excuse for what he's doing to you and, no, you did not sign on for this.

[Amberbelle1]

Thank you much to everyone who has taken time to reply. I really appreciate all the comments and has made me really sit and reflect on the situation. X

[Flower1000]

You've just posted on my thread, so thank you.

 

But the breaking point for me to end it was because of the sorts of situations you've said affect you. I'd had, yet another, weekend on my own, and ion Monday I finf out what they'd been doing together and it made me feel sick. I can honestly say the pain was horrendous! I thought then that it was only another 4 full days before Friday was upon me again and I couldn't do it.

 

As others have said, you're a whole person, and you're getting half a relationship. He will continue to do this whilst you let him. Why should he change? He's got the best of both worlds. Sorry it hurts so much