Blue08 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I don't even know where to begin! My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now. He has three children. His oldest has disabilities who is bound to a wheel chair and can not do anything for herself, a 14 yr. old boy and a 6yr old girl. I also have 3 boys, my oldest is 11, a 6yr old boy and a 2yr old boy. My oldest lives with me during the week, and my other two with their father during the school week, and we flip the schedule during the summer months. I live in my boyfriend's house, although he says it's our house. I go to school full-time and I am not working at the time but i have contributed over $7,000 this past year, and the house is owned. He only sees a disabled daughter 2x a year leaving all the care to his ex wife. Before we moved in to together he said he would like to have her more but he couldn't change her it was to akward and he did not have any one to help him. I have offered and brought it up several times and have even changed her when she has stayed with us those only few times. But nothing has ever happened. He still only sees her a few times a year. He only see's his daughter every other weekend and when she is here, she is either with me or his parents. I get that he has to work but he has no problem closing his business on saturday or leaving early to make it to his son's sporting events. We do not always have our children on the same weekends, and when I have mine I don't mind having his two. When I don't have mine I would like to take that weekend to get my school work done. I feel selfish for feeling that way. His daughter wants to spend time with him!! another thing his son I feel gets away with too much. he is not a horrible kid but his grades are awful!! and all his father does is talk to him. He NEVER says no to him, he has no chores or responsibilities around the house. His son goes into our closets, drawers, and even uses my razor and toothbrush!!!!!! He stayes up to 11 or later on school nights, has friends over or goes to friends houses on school nights. All with having HORRIBLE GRADES!!!! I am not this way with my son, he has chores, he not allowed to watch t.v. He has to do his homework and I check it! and he is not allowed to stay the night any where or have any one over on a school. Then my son argues with me WELL HE GET'S TO DO IT! The T.V is always on! I can hear it in my son's bedroom when it is bedtime. which wouldn't bother me solo badly if it was not such a violent movie. Maybe I'm over reacting? My children have eaten home cooked meals sitting at the table. His kids won't eat anything I make. unless it is frozen out of a box or a bowl of cereal. I drive his son places, spend time with his daughter, "babysit" while his gf is over and he barley says two words to my children. His daughter wants to cuddle with me and sometimes I just don't want it, but I do it bc I know she is wanting and needing attention. She also won't have much to do with me when He IS here, except to get her a drink or to do something for her. She always asks me and he just sits there. Sometimes I will just sit there, a little spiteful, and he will get up and do it but I don't like being that way. My boyfriend also gets jealous that me and the children's father get along so well!!! I have tried talking to him about all of this but he ALWAYS finds some way to defend it or turn it around on me and i just don't know what to do!
eye of the storm Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Blue, I don't know. But I can tell you he will not change his parenting style. And if it is causing you issues with his kids and you are not happy with how things are...they probably are not going to get better. So you need to decide if you can live with it, or if you cannot see yourself living like that for the rest of your life, then you need to go. Good luck 2
idoltree Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 You moved you and your children in with a man before you knew who he really was. I'm going to guess it was before the honeymoon period of your relationship ended, since you don't provide a timeframe. Additionally, it sounds like the two of you did not have any discussions beforehand about a solidified parenting style, where the two of you are the adult rulemakers in the house and you back one another up to the children. I think you're seeing the results of these two decisions. He talks the talk of parenting, but the reality is much different when you look at his actions. Also, you can't have two sets of kids with two sets of rules living under one roof and expect that it will turn out well. This is precisely the problem of blending families before spending significant time in the relationship to understand if it will even work long term, and without conscious discussion of how parenting will work. Now you've got factions within one household, and that never leads to peace. I'd let your complaints about how he parents his son and how he doesn't really spend time with his daughter go. He is parenting his son through guilt - something that divorced parents do when they refuse to provide the child with any rules. They want every moment to be fun, which is about the parent's ego. It's very selfish, because the guilty parent never stops to think about the harm they are doing to the child's long term development. There is nothing you can do to change those things, so spending time worrying and stressing out about them is just doing yourself pointless harm. Let go. There's a saying: "not my monkeys, not my circus." However the kids turn out is out of your control. Look up "stepparent disengagement" for more on this. The best you can do now is evaluate your boyfriend now that you have seen who he really is. If you'd have known all that you know now, would you have moved you and your kids in with him? If your answer is "no", then you know what you need to do. Additionally, don't run yourself ragged for his kids. When you don't have your kids, studying for school should be your priority, not parenting his kids so he doesn't have to. Tell him your new boundary about his daughter - if he's going to take her when he's working, then he needs to find care for her. It's pretty obvious he's got some issues with her, and that's why he's not stepping up and is just going through the motions of being her parent. It's sad, but there's nothing you can do. Continuing to pick up his slack is just going to make you more resentful, which will come out in your relationship and possibly lead to its end. Stepparents have to avoid the compulsion to give give give, because it never works. Take care of your kids and yourself above all else. When your son complains about different expectations for kids, have a frank discussion with him. That you have more rigorous expectations for him because you are helping him to develop skills he will need as an adult. Your boyfriend's son is being parented in a different way, and your son is right that it is not fair. But that once he is an adult and looks back, he'll be able to understand why you are choosing to have expectations for him. (i.e. explain it the best you can without insulting your boyfriend or his son.) 2
MJJean Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Excellent replies above. While you're thinking about the whole situation and making decisions/changes might it be possible to switch weekends with one or the other of your ex's so that the kids are all there at the same time and you will have a weekend child-free to do your work? I have friends who managed to get their ex's to agree to syncing weekends and they love it.
preraph Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Well, obviously, this isn't the role model you want for your kids, so leave. Now you know.
Tayla Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Its quite an adjustment to all persons involved. You are recently separated from Your husband, living with a fellow you left your husband for. There are going to be bumps in the road and I am sure the kids are acting out on this. As the saying goes- love is blind. I think you are seeing that the grass isn't so green. Could you perhaps be independent and get a place of your own til life levels out? Sounds to me that one sure way to keep the peace is to have a place of your own til you both work thru these differences. 1
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Move out and raise your kids. Then date or live with someone. Obviously this is not working. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Seems your lives and parenting styles do not mesh and your 'blended' family life isn't working. Think if you really want this to be your life? A guy who doesn't particularly want to spend time with his kids and you end up more than you should when it comes to his own kids. Things are gonna get worse since he's mentally not present and not trying. Talk to him, give him a chance to change and if things don't change then maybe it's time to walk away.
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