Anyone else have a bad sibling?

[AVarma]

My brother is... let's just say he's a douchebag. My father was abusive and unfortunately my brother has gone in his footsteps. He regularly slapped around his ex-girlfriend until she finally left him and took out a restraining order. It hasn't stopped him from attracting other women unfortunately.

 

Anyway even toward me he's always been a bit of a bully. I wasn't athletic like he was when I was younger and unfortunately got picked on a lot because of it. I wasn't very popular with women and got picked on for that as well. Last year at a party he loudly asked me in front of a bunch of women if I had kissed a girl or had sex yet ( I haven't).

 

Anyway we don't really talk all that much. I recently hear from my mother that he's trying to change but I highly doubt it.

 

I guess I'm not sure how I feel about it. If I should just forgive him and move on or if I should continue to keep my distance?

[Downtown]

My brother regularly slapped around his ex-girlfriend until she finally left him and took out a restraining order.

AVarma, given that you're 28, I assume your brother is in his 20's or 30's and not in his teens. If so, I would observe that the repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse by a male adult is strongly associated with that adult having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD.

 

If your brother is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I caution that, if you do conclude your brother is exhibiting most BPD warning signs at a strong and persistent level, it would be very unwise to tell him about your suspicions. He almost certainly would project them back onto you. Take care, Avarma.

[TG1]

As the saying goes, blood is thicker than water and yes even though your brother is kind of a douchebag at the end of the day he is still your brother like it or not so you guys will always be family but at the same time you do not have to put up with his crap too so I would say keep your distance from your brother altogether because if he could act this way towards his ex then if he has treated you like crap your whole lives then what is to stop him from continuing said behavior?

 

Yes you guys may not be close but at the same time he is still family but that doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with him

 

The only way you can have a relationship with him is if he proves himself worthy of change because if he can really devote himself to changing and he proves himself not only to you but to others as well then I would say let him back into your life but if he hasn't then don't bother

[Quiet Storm]

I detached from my sister. For me, this means I see her at family functions and holidays. I am cordial but neutral. I avoid any heated discussions or personal questions. I dont talk to her on the phone or see her alone.

 

I have a busy life and just don't want to be involved in whatever drama is happening at the moment. I don't like what she puts my parents through. I don't want my kids to think it's normal or acceptable to behave the way she does.

 

I love her and want the best for her, but our relationship is destroyed. She constantly lies and manipulates and I've just had enough of it.

[Leegh]

I have two siblings, and they both have extremely difficult, inflexible, rigid personalities. I have tried to be civil over the years, but at this point I have emotionally "divorced" myself from them. I do not call them, but if they call me I am polite. Unfortunately, difficult siblings get worse as the years go by, especially when the parents pass away, as when the parents are gone, the crappy siblings feel they can get away with anything. My advice to you is to keep your distance and keep conversations "light", such as talking about the weather, etc. Unfortunately, we can't choose our siblings.

[Mittens]

I don't like my older brother (older by just over a year). He's too much like my father, who I have chosen not to have any contact with in 25 years. Even my mother admits my brother has all of his bad traits. I've not had any real contact with my brother since he embarrassed me at my wedding in 2001. , He turned up dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, told me he'd left his dog in the car (?) and then left right after the ceremony. He was the only member of my family that was able to attend, and he completely showed me up to my H's family...

 

I hadn't really wanted to invite him in the first place, but my mother persuaded me to. I don't feel bad about not having a relationship with him. If you want to keep your distance, that's a decision as an adult that you are entitled to make. Don't let anyone else guilt trip you.

[Tayla]

The peace flag needs to be on his part, based solely on the information parlayed here.

 

Go about your life and enjoy it. When the time presents itself for peace and changes, welcome it. Otherwise keep your chin up and look both ways. There is something to be said for a person of your brothers nature. Change would do him good.

 

Out of five brothers, two of them are text book model citizens, til you look under the hood. They got a few screws lose and not enough grease to keep the wheels spinning if you get my drift:)